My mom (42F) had recently found out that my dad (43M) was cheating on her, and she chose divorce. at first when I (17F) found out about it i was devastated because for me cheating was always something i couldn’t forgive anyone for and went through it myself too, so i chose to stay with my mom if they do split up. But after a while I chose to stay with my dad. I noticed that both my brothers (16M & 12M) chose to stay with my mother too, and that no one would be staying with my dad. my dad is a dialysis, diabetes and BP patient and is not allowed to work because of it, and also needs help everytime he comes home from dyalisis because of how weak it makes him. After thinking about it for a long time i chose to stay with my dad to at least make sure that he wouldn’t be absolutely alone while my younger brothers stay with my mom after divorce, but now my mom keeps saying that I’m betraying her and that a good daughter would never choose someone like my dad over her, which is making me feel guilty in all kinds of ways. and if it wasn’t for my dad’s current condition I wouldn’t have stayed with him either.
Now I don’t know what to do, AITA???
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My mom (42F) had recently found out that my dad (43M) was cheating on her, and she chose divorce. at first when I (17F) found out about it i was devastated because for me cheating was always something i couldn’t forgive anyone for and went through it myself too, so i chose to stay with my mom if they do split up. But after a while I chose to stay with my dad. I noticed that both my brothers (16M & 12M) chose to stay with my mother too, and that no one would be staying with my dad. my dad is a dialysis, diabetes and BP patient and is not allowed to work because of it, and also needs help everytime he comes home from dyalisis because of how weak it makes him. After thinking about it for a long time i chose to stay with my dad to at least make sure that he wouldn’t be absolutely alone while my younger brothers stay with my mom after divorce, but now my mom keeps saying that I’m betraying her and that a good daughter would never choose someone like my dad over her, which is making me feel guilty in all kinds of ways. and if it wasn’t for my dad’s current condition I wouldn’t have stayed with him either.
Now I don’t know what to do, AITA???
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. i chose to stay with my dad after he cheated
2. because I had told my mom i would stay with her first, then switched up to my dad.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta. You didn’t pick sides in the drama you picked compassion. Taking care of someone sick isn’t betrayal, it’s just being human.
Info- Are you able to thrive at school, do afterschool activities (socialize, sports, music, clubs, job- whatever is your thing)? Are you keeping your goals for after graduation?
Personally, NTA.
You’ve acknowledged that your dad did wrong and now your decision is based on his health.
Your mom is going though her own emotions with that betrayal which is probably a lot worse on her end than it is on yours.
This is an emotionally charged situation and your mom doesn’t care about the wellbeing of a person she feels broke trust.
That’s not on you. If you’ve conveyed your reasoning to her and she’s still not cool with it, that’s her right.
Ultimately, only you will live with whatever outcome happens after YOU choose to do something, and it seems like you’d sleep better at night knowing your dad has someone, you, to make sure he’s okay with his multiple KNOWN health issues.
That’s being said, there’s no way to smooth things over without a miracle of clarity from all sides to look past the emotional hurt. Do you, explain it as best as you can and make sure you can sleep at night with your actions.
NTA.
Tell your mom something along the line, that you are not forgiving your dad for what he did. But he is still your dad, the person who raised you and you wouldn’t forgive yourself if something happens to him while he is alone with his illness.
NTA.
A parent is ALWAYS WRONG to try to make their kids feel guilty about their choice of which parent to live with. Something like “your dad is a bad person, you should stay with me” is called parental alienation.
Kids naturally want to know WHY their parents are divorcing, but it’s best if they aren’t told the details. They want to know why, so they can try to fix it, or to understand that it’s not their fault. But they think it has to be somebody’s fault. And it probably is, but it is not the children’s job to punish the offender.
OK, your dad cheated, which was a bad thing to do, but that does not make him a bad person. He’s a person who did a bad thing.
You say he would be “alone” so I take that to mean he isn’t in another relationship as a result of the infidelity? Someone else who could take care of him after dialysis? Regardless, it would certainly be possible for you to help him with those things without living with him full time.
NTA ES but you. It seems that the parents are trying to get the kids to take care of them — but it’s supposed to be the other way around! Your mother should want what’s best for you, and “betrayal” should not be part of the conversation. It is not a betrayal of a parent that the child has a relationship with the other parent. Also it’s not your job to be your father’s caretaker. He’s an adult and he can arrange his own care, like everyone else does.
So yeah, both of your parents suck — at least, in the situation you’re describing. And you should do what’s good for you, regardless of their needs. You are not their parents, and don’t let them suck you into feeling responsible for them.
Your his daughter, not his nurse.
And his AP can take care of him.
’cause he wasn’t to weak to mount her…
YTA for basically choosing your father’s side to your mom.
NTA, she’s betraying you by foisting her relationship issues on you.
I get it, she has a right to be angry… at him.
At the end of the day, he’s still your dad and always will be. As long as he was a good dad to you, if you want to be there for him you should.
Do Not Allow Mother to alienate you and your brothers from your Father. I get she is hurt but she cannot put you children in the middle of adult issues! NTA