Hi all, I just wanted a second opinion because I am not sure if I am in the wrong or not.
Recently a colleague of mine underwent surgery for endometriosis. She was absent from work for two weeks to recover.
When she came back I asked her if she felt alright and whether or not she was in any pain from the surgery. She said she felt fine.
I noticed she was looking a lot thinner than she did before the surgery and I was concerned. To me it was alarming that someone had lost so much weight in such a short period of time (it had only been 2 weeks since I’d last seen her).
I said ‘You look like you’ve lost a lot of weight. Are you sure you’re okay?’
She then said, ‘I don’t appreciate comments about my body.’
I apologised and said I was coming at it out of concern for her health, and not from a superficial perspective. I would never comment on someone else’s body for any other reason.
She was still mad about it after.
I’m not sure what I did wrong. Am I the asshole here?
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Hi all, I just wanted a second opinion because I am not sure if I am in the wrong or not.
Recently a colleague of mine underwent surgery for endometriosis. She was absent from work for two weeks to recover.
When she came back I asked her if she felt alright and whether or not she was in any pain from the surgery. She said she felt fine.
I noticed she was looking a lot thinner than she did before the surgery and I was concerned. To me it was alarming that someone had lost so much weight in such a short period of time (it had only been 2 weeks since I’d last seen her).
I said ‘You look like you’ve lost a lot of weight. Are you sure you’re okay?’
She then said, ‘I don’t appreciate comments about my body.’
I apologised and said I was coming at it out of concern for her health, and not from a superficial perspective. I would never comment on someone else’s body for any other reason.
She was still mad about it after.
I’m not sure what I did wrong. Am I the asshole here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may have accidentally commented on a colleagues body. I apologised after.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Yeah, I wouldn’t have framed it that way at all.
You meant well, but unfortunately YTA.
YTA, full stop. I am sure people who are closer to her noticed and mentioned it to her. As a coworker, its NOT your place. Totally inappropriate.
Mild YTA. She said she was fine and you pushed the point by commenting on her thinness. At that point you are becoming intrusive even if you were coming from a place of concern. When she said she felt fine it was time to leave it alone.
YTA, for mentioning it in the first place and for not properly apologizing. That was incredibly inappropriate in the workplace.
Slightly soft YTA because you sound genuinely like you’ve never talked to someone post surgery before.
Yes, you’re in the wrong. It’s not uncommon for people to lose weight following surgery, especially a surgery as grueling as endometriosis surgery. She’s probably not been able to eat much between the post surgery diet requirements and the pain and the medication, and having you point it out when she’s trying to focus on other things probably stung. You should apologize to her when you sense she’s ready for it.
Yta. You should have dropped it when she said she felt fine. I could see circumstances if your good friends with a co worker where this may not have been out of line, but this doesn’t sound like the case. Just hope HR doesn’t get involved.
Once when I was younger I worked at a fast food restaurant with several “regulars”
One of them was quite overweight, and we didn’t see him for several months.
When he finally came back we were all relieved, and I commented on how it looked like he lost a lot of weight (in a complimentary way, “looks like you’ve lost some weight, you look great!”)
He said it was because he had cancer.
Thankfully he was kind about it but that day I learned never to comment on someone’s body, even if you think it’s a compliment, even if you think they want you to comment, even if you think it would be beneficial for their health.
Just don’t.
Edit: also I didn’t think about this on the first read but women are questioned, second guessed, and grilled so, so very often.
She had already told you she was fine. There was no need to question her further.
YTA. I’m sure she owns some mirrors.
You asked her how she was feeling and she said fine. That should have been the end of it. Asking if she was in pain and noting changes to her body is too much. YTA.
Meh. It’s always a touchy subject for people.
Do you point at people’s moles and scars?
Youre wrong to ask her but still NTA.
People need to learn there’s a difference between being wrong and being an asshole.
Making a mistake doesnt always make you an asshole
I wouldn’t call you an AH, your comment wasn’t mean spirited.
That being said, it’s a good rule to not comment on your coworker’s bodies.
You’re in the wrong here. Not by intention, but by action. We don’t comment on someone’s body anymore :/ It’s a hard one to get over but it’s good you’re asking. The reason is that you never know why someone lost weight/their appearance changed. It could be intentional and to say she looks sick would be offensive in that case. Also with endometriosis I believe you’d lose a lot of bloating/swelling and so remarking on the thinner appearance as a bad thing would again be offensive. This just highlights why we don’t do it. Sorry babe but YTA
YTA big time. Like, everyone’s got their own body issues to handle, no need to be the “comment cop”.
YTA. Why would you comment on a coworker’s appearance/weight/health after they went through surgery? You’re not close enough to her to really understand what she may be going through, and it’s not your place to make comments about it. You can show concern and ask her how she’s doing without pointing out how much weight she’s lost.
YTA. Asking once if she feels okay is fine, and she could probably tell you were surprised by her appearance. Continuing to ask is inappropriate. Not only should you not comment on a coworker’s body, you shouldn’t be asking coworkers about their private medical details.
YTA; once she had been cleared to return to work by her doctors (I assume that your workplace has returning-to-work policies) and she had (re)assured you that she was okay, it was time to drop all questions about her health and any comments about her appearance.
YTA. You asked her once and she answered. But you had to make sure she knew how you felt. YTA Self important people always need to make sure people know how they feel.
YTA but giving you the benefit of the doubt.
First, it’s nice that you care, BUT:
1 – you already asked how she was she she said fine
2 – many people don’t actually enjoy talking about their medical condtions/surgery etc.
3 – When she said she ‘felt fine’, she didn’t go on into more detail, and that was a social cue that she isn’t exactly encouraging other talk
4 – Don’t comment on a person’s weight. If you know they’re on a weight loss journey and have shared that, then sure. But medically or really any other time, then no. She just had major surgery. What were you hoping to gain by asking ‘are your sure you’re ok?’ As in, you weren’t truthful before, or I can see evidence that you look unhealthy, or making her open up on something where she gave you cues she might not be a bubbling fountain of info.
Leave their body and health alone.
She’s feeling self conscious but could also be dealing with other health issues that she is not ready to divulge. Apologize again and let it go.
YTA.
A good rule of thumb in life in general is commenting on someone’s body only if the following one of the following can apply: 1. The person can change the way they look in under 30s. Ie, you have lettuce between your teeth or you have toilet paper on the bottom of your shoe. 2. You have an appropriate relationship that is mutual for the suggestion and an appropriate time/location. Ie, this is a close friend and they confide in you on a regular basis when things aren’t instagram perfect and you’re in a private residence/location for such a conversation.
Colleagues aren’t chums. And we should all respect that kind of relationship.
I don’t know what kind of end game you had here with your coworker and it’s difficult to imagine a positive outcome.
Mild YTA- while well intentioned you crossed a boundary. Once she said she was feeling finebetter that was the end of conversation
Additionally Endometriosis can cause pretty bad bloating-it’s essentially an inflammatory condition- so it may not even be that she lost weight just is significantly less bloated now
YTA even if you didn’t mean to be. Barely a topic for friends or family, never a topic for the office unless the other person brings it up.
Yta.
The way you said it, yeah that wasn’t kind at all.
You were in the wrong for it yes. She knows she’s lost weight. You don’t know what she’s been through. What you did wrong was that you asked even though she said she was fine, and it really has nothing to do with you how much she weighs. Good for her for letting you know you crossed a boundary.
Go on r/Endo or r/endometriosis and have a read
INFO What were you trying to achieve with your remark about her weight? Why did you feel like you knew better than her whether or not she was okay? Do you know what endometriosis surgery entails?
It might just be a kind of unfortunate way of saying stuff. It happens.
I kinda believe you said it in the best meaning. But it’s not always the recipient hear the meaning of the message. That’s also normal. Based on what you write, I do not see you as the AH. Also that you’re a grown up and apologize is telling me you’re considerate.
It will probably pass, though. NTA.
Yep, sorry. YTA.
YTA. I’m someone who looses weight after surgery. The trauma of surgery sends my body into healing mode fast, my body temp goes up and I burn off fat amazingly quickly. I am usually around 115 pounds. I will drop 10-20 pounds in just a couple weeks then will stop. I heal VERY quickly.
That said, I get a ton of comments about the weight loss every time. I hate it!
NTA, but I’m not that sensitive. You said it out of concern, but I don’t know your relationship. However, you could have phrased it differently.
YTA, It is a really difficult thing to comment on nowadays, however well meaning you meant it to be.
Yta, for pushing. Even if she isn’t fine and has other health issues, it’s none of your business because you’re her colleague and not her friend.
Yes. YTA. Mind your business. Her body? Not your business.
NTA, it’s an innocent question that went wrong
I feel like once one apologizes, following it up with what you meant to happen diminishes the power behind the apology towards the individual affected.
YTA you asked and she answered. There was no need to follow up. So okay let’s say she’s not okay. You’re just colleagues, why would she want to talk to you about it? Presumably she has a doctor? Leave her alone. You were rude.
Are you her physician? Her mom? Close friend? If none of those, it is not up to you to comment on someone’s weight, no matter the reason.
Btw people with endo often will look like they’ve lost a lot of weight after surgery.
YTA. I get that you meant well, but I don’t understand what you believe your intervention was going to achieve. I guarantee you that she is aware she has lost weight. She is more familiar with her own body than you are. Think about it. There are two options: either she’s fine with the weight loss (maybe this is closer to her natural body shape and she had been painfully bloated for as long as you’ve known her), in which case you treating something she feels good about as a cause for concern based purely on her physical appearance is judgy and kind of a bummer. OR, she does have ongoing health problems in which case it is entirely up to her to decide whether she wants to discuss that with you, and she already indicated that she does not when she answered your initial question. Either way, you are presuming an unwarranted right to intervene in the personal health situation of someone who isn’t a close family or friend. So, yeah, it wasn’t great. If I were you I would apologise again and make a mental note to avoid this kine of thing in the future, especially for people you don’t know very well.
YTA. It’s never okay to comment on someone’s weight. She said she was doing fine and you should have left it at that.
Soft YTA.
I’m 38m and I lost quite a bit of weight intentionally and I don’t like getting comments about it at work. I don’t say anything about it but it makes me uncomfortable. I come in to do my job and I get along with everyone but I don’t want commentary on my body. I’m probably weird for that but I think it’s just best not to say anything about a co worker’s body unless they ask.
Leave it alone. Your question was innocent but things are just different now. NEVER comment on a co-worker’s appearance unless you’re helping (sales tag showing, zipper down, large piece of lint on clothes or hair).
YTA (unintentionally)
There are so many possible reasons they may have lost weight. They could be struggling with appetite due to post surgery pain, they may have been experiencing inflammation and bloating due to the endometriosis (which could now be resolved), they may have had large cysts removed, or it may be a result of their health issues (for example I know from personal experience that endometriosis/surgery itself can cause abdominal adhesions that can cause a lot of pain after eating).
Without knowing more about how they have lost the weight (e.g. if it’s mostly around the belly, it may well be due to a reduction in symptoms post surgery), but the reality is, it’s really not your businesses unless you are their doctor, close family member/partner or a good friend who has been asked for an opinion.
They are probably well aware of their own situation, and dealing with it as well as they can (if indeed it is even a problem). As someone who has endometriosis, multiple surgeries as a result and has also struggled to gain weight at times due to it, I know I have been underweight at times, and have really struggled to gain weight and get appropriate help from doctors in those periods… and at times like that a random person telling me I look too thin isn’t in any way helpful.
I understand it came from a place of concern, but unless you are their doctor or they have clearly asked for advice on the topic, there really isn’t anything you can do to help, and really you have no idea if it even if an problem.
Personally I am an open book, and generally happy to chat about medical stuff, but you are essentially asking them to explain their current health condition based on your (possibly completely unfounded) concerns, and people shouldn’t feel like they have to share highly personal medical details at work to satisfy other people’s concern and curiosity.
YTA. You overstepped. It is not your business to bring up anyone’s body. What if something was wrong, it would be up to your coworker to choose to disclose that information. What’s going on with her medically is really none of your business
YTA.
It is never appropriate to comment on a coworker’s body. Even if there was a problem she does not owe you intimate details about her medical issues.
You completely overstepped here.
Soft YTA. You came from a place of concern, but unless you are a close friend or have some special medical knowledge, keep it to yourself.
YTA. Come on, be serious. There no way you thought you were qualified to tell her anything about her health or her body that she or her doctor are not already aware of. You are a co-worker, not a trusted friend or confidante. This was totally inappropriate and to be honest it sounds like you were just being nosy about her health and didn’t like being shut down.
YTA. It’s not your place to be concerned with coworlker’s private matters.
YTA. It’s good practice to never comment on people’s bodies. At a minimum, don’t comment on your coworkers’ bodies. That’s not appropriate for the workplace even if it comes from a place of concern.
NAH! You apologised and didn’t meant no ill harm.
But I can understand their point of view, I’ve been underweight my whole life (still am) and people constantly say how thin I am. It doesn’t bother me but it makes me think that they would never say that to someone who’s bigger.😅
YTA stop commenting on people’s bodies regardless of the situation
NTA, You came from a place of concern, I can’t asshole it and I wouldn’t be offended if my workmate said it to me.
Unless the other person mentions it first, weight is a no go for me.
YTA.
We just don’t comment on people’s bodies, ever. If they ask “how do I look?” We compliment them but aside from that, we do not.
YTA. If she wanted to talk about health struggles at work, she would have brought it up.
you asked, she said she was fine – you should have left it at that, if she wanted to tell you more she would have
YTA. You asking “are you sure you’re okay” is just weird. She knows what’s going on in her life, why are you second guessing. The first time you agreed how are you feeling, how are you doing, etc is a nice move. But going on about it, yeah, that makes YTA.
it doesn’t matter that you were coming at it from a concern for her health perspective, you were still commenting on her body. don’t do that.
YTA
YTA. it’s none of your concern and you should have stopped talking once you apologized, yet you decided to continue by trying to explain.
Next time just keep it to yourself
YTA. Just don’t comment on people’s weight.
I understand that you feel you were coming from a point of medical concern, but her medical issues are still not your business unless she chooses to share them.
You’re a co-worker, not her family or spouse. It’s truly none of your business and you were being a nosy busybody under the guise of “concerned co-worker.”
YTA.
The first rule of social etiquette is NEVER, I repeat NEVER, comment on someone’s weight. Commenting on someone’s health (when they didn’t open the discussion) is not appropriate either. This is especially true with a co-worker, stranger, or anyone who is not a close friend or family member. You overstepped the line. You made your co-worker feel self-conscious about her body. That’s not good.
What did you hope to accomplish by asking, and then pushing the issue? Did you want her to say, “Oh yes. I am still very sick. Thanks for pointing it out!”? Did you want her to open up and tell you about her surgery and health issues? I’m honestly not sure what you intended to accomplish here. I also can’t figure out how that would help her in any way. A better comment might be, “Let me know if you need anything, or if there is anything I can do to help you while you’re recovering.” That would have been caring, kind, and appropriate.
I tell my first graders that before they speak, they need to ask themselves three questions: Is it kind? Am I trying to help the person, and if so, how should that help look? Is it my business? (I use different terms so they understand of course) You would do well to do the same.
You made your co-worker feel bad. You had no plan to help your co-worker. It came off as rude and pushy. You are in the wrong. Go to your co-worker and tell her you are sorry for what you said. Then try to avoid the topics of weight and illness!
YTA. No one wants to field comments about their weight, or be questioned about how healthy they look. She told you she was fine, obviously she didn’t want to get into the details or she would have offered them without your prying passive aggressive comment about her weight.
YTA – coworker is relevant here. In a work setting there are zero ok times to comment on someone’s weight.
Asking if she was ok, fine. Then stop.
If you were close friends or family, it’s different (but still tread lightly).
YTA: Don’t make comments about people’s bodies. I guarantee you, whatever your ‘concern’ is, she’s already thought about it because, shockingly, it’s her body and it affects her way more than you.
Round about way of saying mind your business.
A lot of workplaces have rules around such things, commenting on someones body in a work environment, no matter your intentions, is going to be tricky and best avoided.
Unless they bring it up themselves, don’t comment on someone’s body, and even then, tread lightly and carefully.
NTA but learn from this
Don’t comment on people’s bodies. Period
Sometimes i believe it’s better to feel bad for saying something the. regret not saying anything at all. Because truly so many people suffer in silence. I think this as well as the apology for overstepping the boundary shows you weren’t trying to be invasive, just concerned x
Take this as a learning experience. Don’t comment on a person’s body it’s a touchy subject.
I feel like you’re only kind of the asshole because I feel like you.
Had good intentions, it sounded like it was a place of concern, but at the same time, it was an asshole thing to comment on their body.
YTA
There is a rule that I live by. Never comment on someone’s appearance unless it is something that can be changed in ten seconds. A few examples are toilet paper on a shoe, food in the teeth, a visible booger, etc.
Otherwise, how are you helping? The person you are talking to is aware how they look. They don’t need you to tell them. And this works both ways. DO NOT comment when someone loses weight, even if you think they look great NOW. Because all they will hear is that NOW…
YTA. You thought you were friends, but clearly she didn’t think the same about you. A friend could’ve said what you said. Learn boundaries and do better next time.
Soft YTA. It sounds like you meant well but it’s a good rule of thumb to never comment on anyone else’s body. “You’ve lost a lot of weight” could be a compliment to a friend that you know is trying to lose weight, but aside from that, it’s just better to not say anything.
Yeah. You’re definitely the asshole. It’s none of your business.
YTA – she’s your colleague, not your close friend. Basic social understanding here should have told you that when you asked if she was okay and she said “I’m fine”, that was a polite “I do not want to talk about my personal health situation with you, please just treat me as though everything is fine.” Pushing back by asking if she’s “sure” (like, what, you think she might not be aware she’s in less than perfect health? why do you think you’re entitled to have an opinion on this that supersedes hers??) would have been incredibly rude even if you didn’t do it by commenting on her weight, but the fact that you did just makes it ruder.