I am a semi-regular (I go a few times a week) customer at a coffee shop, where I enjoy going to study for a couple hours while enjoying a pastry and coffee. The cafe is well-known to be laptop-friendly, and many of the “regulars” stay to work on their laptops much longer than me and the owner is very welcoming to us. Whenever I go, I am polite to everyone, spend about $10, tip the baristas, clean up after myself, and take up less space than the average man.
When I study, I use my iPad to take notes while I watch lectures on my laptop. The laptop is either on the table or on my lap while I hold my iPad, so I’m not taking up extra room. There’s this older man (let’s call him “John”) who appears to be in his late 60s, and goes to the coffee shop to sit and read the newspaper for hours or look at his smartphone. On several occasions he’s mocked me about using 2 devices while I study.
The first time, he looked at me with my laptop and iPad laughed, saying “I think it’s ridiculous that everyone here is always on their devices. Why do you need TWO computers?!”. I smiled politely and explained to him that I am in graduate school watching lectures and this is how I study since some of my coursework is online. He said “well, I miss the good old days, when people weren’t all addicted to technology” and I was like “yea, I can understand that” then went back to studying and gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he was a bored lonely older man who felt nostalgic about his youth.
The second time, John saw me and interrupted my studying again to say “oh hey it’s you again, I just find it so comical that you feel the need to use TWO computers” then went back to reading his newspaper. I just smiled and responded, “Gotta do what you gotta do!” then went back to studying. By this time, I was feeling somewhat irritated and disrespected.
The third time, I lost my patience for John mocking me. He interrupted me once again while I was watching a lecture to make fun of me with my “two computers” and I responded, “John, I’m getting the sense that the way I study upsets you for some reason, is there a reason why it bothers you?” He looked taken aback and started fumbling about how young people these days are all addicted to technology. I said “John, I understand that you may be retired, but I’m in the beginning of my career and I need to study. As I already explained, some of my school is online so I use my iPad to take notes and my laptop to watch my lectures. I am in the process of becoming a healthcare professional to save people’s lives, so I take my academics very seriously. I would really appreciate it if you could please stop mocking me for how I study.”
He looked extremely surprised at my response and made some comment about how sensitive everyone in my generation is and how I was overreacting over a joke and being rude to him. If he’d just said it once I would have let it go, but it was the repeated harassment that really started to bother me. Am I the asshole for confronting this older man instead of just letting it go?
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/bengalbear24:
I am a semi-regular (a few times a wee) customer at a coffee shop, where I enjoy going to study for a couple hours while enjoying a pastry and coffee. The cafe is well-known to be laptop-friendly, and many of the “regulars” stay to work on their laptops much longer than me and the owner is very welcoming to us. Whenever I go, I am polite to everyone, spend about $10, tip the baristas, clean up after myself, and take up less space than the average man.
When I study, I use my iPad to take notes while I watch lectures on my laptop. The laptop is either on the table or on my lap while I hold my iPad, so I’m not taking up extra room. There’s this older man (let’s call him “John”) who appears to be in his late 60s, and goes to the coffee shop to sit and read the newspaper for hours or look at his smartphone. On several occasions he’s mocked me about using 2 devices while I study.
The first time, he looked at me with my laptop and iPad laughed, saying “I think it’s ridiculous that everyone here is always on their devices. Why do you need TWO computers?!”. I smiled politely and explained to him that I am in graduate school watching lectures and this is how I study since some of my coursework is online. He said “well, I miss the good old days, when people weren’t all addicted to technology” and I was like “yea, I can understand that” then went back to studying and gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he was a bored lonely older man who felt nostalgic about his youth.
The second time, John saw me and interrupted my studying again to say “oh hey it’s you again, I just find it so comical that you feel the need to 2 computers” then went back to reading his newspaper. I just smiled and responded, “Gotta do what you gotta do!” then went back to studying. By this time, I was feeling somewhat irritated and disrespected.
The thirst time, I lost my patience for John mocking me. He interrupted me once again while I was watching a lecture to make fun of me with my “two computers” and I responded, “John, I’m getting the sense that the way I study upsets you for some reason, is there a reason why it bothers you?” He looked taken aback and started fumbling about how young people these days are all addicted to technology. I said “John, I understand that you may be retired, but I’m in the beginning of my career and I need to study. As I already explained, some of my school is online so I use my iPad to take notes and my laptop to watch my lectures. I am in the process of becoming a healthcare professional to save people’s lives, so I take my academics very seriously. I would really appreciate it if you could please stop mocking me for how I study.”
He looked extremely surprised at my response and made some comment about how sensitive everyone in my generation is and how I was overreacting over a joke and being rude to him. If he’d just said it once I would have let it go, but it was the repeated harassment that really started to bother me. Am I the asshole for confronting this older man instead of just letting it go?
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NTA I think you were polite with your responses and the last one was definitely warranted. Keep doing your thing and John should learn to mind his own business.
YTA.
NTA. John needs to understand that mocking someone’s study habits isn’t a “joke”—it’s just him being a grumpy dinosaur. You were polite to start with, and you had every right to stand up for yourself. Good for you!
In “the good old days” we didn’t have scopus or Google scholar or a whole-ass university library online, we had to physically find and look up and photocopy the actual paper journals, and every time we fucked up writing an assignment we had to start the page over. My hand cramps just thinking about it.
John sounds like my father, he was a passive aggressive asshole too. Nobody asked you, John.
You were far more polite than I would have been (:
NTA
I am not sure I’d even call this a confrontation. It sounds like he never figured out how to get information without complaining, and you gave him the information he was asking for. It was directly to the point, not rude nor overly polite, and should give him the perspective he needs.
He might be missing a time where it was easy to connect with folks without the electronics. I get that and am sad about it too. But I wholeheartedly agree three times is far too many times. He definitely stepped over polite boundaries himself.
Maybe if you go again and see him, mention it offhandedly to the barista. If the cafe gets its business by inviting folks with their laptops, they will want to know someone is actively discouraging their customers from returning.
NTA (edited to add)
Do not make yourself small for men like John (or anyone). There will be a lot of them in your healthcare career, unfortunately. It’s advice I wish my younger self heard when I was starting out.
NTA. John needs to find a better conversation starter than mocking people for their use of technology. If he was a curious sort, he’d ask about what you’re studying rather than the manner, but apparently he’s not.
NTA.
NTA. In your shoes I would do it again every time I see him. He’s way over into creep territory, IMHO. If he doesn’t have anything useful to say he should leave you alone.
NTA You acted very maturely in the face of a man old enough to know better who was acting like a brat.
They just don’t get it. You should see me with 4 phones playing different games for pay to play, with multiple tabs going on my laptop for research studies, and my tv running ambience with my Xbox One.
Look at Tommy Two Tablets over here! NTA.
NTA. Sounds like this guy is about my age. I use my iPad mini all the time. It’s great for watching instructional videos, accessing my email, taking notes, reading books or the newspaper.
My age group was there at the beginning when personal computers started popping up in offices and for home use. Many shied away and refused to learn about the new technology. Over the years they were left behind and it’s a scary place.
John seems to be in this situation. He feels more comfortable making fun of the tech savvy than actually learning how technology works. You explained yourself well.
I would have been tempted to comment how cute it is to see older people still reading printed newspapers. Too bad they don’t make cell phones with a dial on them instead of buttons.
NTA. John was probably trying to flirt and getting salty about his own perceived rejection. Don’t let him bring you down. You were very diplomatic
NTA. John was probably trying to flirt and getting salty about his own perceived rejection. Don’t let him bring you down. You were very diplomatic
You’re not oversensitive, he wasn’t joking, and you weren’t rude. He was being judgmental, and you had had enough. He was trying to get a rise out of you, he saw it worked, and he kept it up till you put him in its place. He’s what happens when bullies grow up and get old. Try not to let it get to you, if he tries it again, let staff know the man is bothering you, because he is.
NTA how sensitive of him to get upset by this: old people just can’t handle being called out for their actions anymore! 😂
NTA If he’s joking then tell him a joke in return…
“An AH walks into a coffee shop, ‘Hi John’ “
I don’t think he’s mocking you. He’s probably lonely, and is just trying to make conversation, but he’s not very good at it. Be kinder.
He sits there and reads yesterday’s news?
NTA
Next time John starts up. Pause and just stare at him. When he starts getting uncomfortable, ask him very slowly, “Is there a family member I can call for you?”
When he asks why, respond with, “We’ve had the same interaction multiple times and you don’t seem to remember. I suspect you may have dementia and need to be under supervised care.”
Hopefully that will shut him up.
NTA.
“Hey John, isn’t it time you learned some better conversation starters? You’re getting boring.” Then turn away and blank.
I don’t understand John’s need to comment/correct/criticize/chastise.
NTA. And good for you for telling him off so clearly.
Boomer here. (sort of, I was born during the cusp generation known as “Generation Jones” same as a popular US prez.).
I hate, Hate, HAAAATE how some in my generation (just SOME mind you) view technology. Rest assured it’s not all of us and there are a lot of us who are quite good at it and love it. I have…4 computers in my house. I probably have at least as many tablets. I’ve also got a very up to date smart phone. Even my nearly 90 year old dad knows how to use his smartphone, and in fact, uses more of its features than I do.
John is just an idiot.
EDIT: punctuation
Tomorrow John, I will have THREE computers.
NTA, you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone
YTA relax people are just making conversation why you gotta be so uptight??
The first time is was a joke maybe kind of funny but the next two times the funny is gone. People need to stay in their lane.
once is a joke, 3 times is bullying.
Please dont save any lives and please quit your studies unless you learn how to handle men in the sixties that are nostalgic as your li e of profession is not suited for you otherwise.