I (38F) am honestly just so frustrated and. I don’t know if I’m being an asshole about this or if this is actually as messed up as it feels.
My exhusband (39M) and I share custody of our 16-year-old son. He’s a great kid, smart, and very into sports also. He plays football, basketball, and baseball, and he’s been conscious of staying in good shape because he cares about competing and doing well.
Ever since my exhusband got remarried last year though he’s been acting like he has something to prove, like he wants to be the fun dad or cool parent. I kind of understand the motivation because I feel some of that urge myself, but the way he’s going about it is just bizarre.
At first I started seeing changes that I chalked up to normal growth. Teen boys fill out, right? But then I started to notice a pattern. The changes seemed to pick up speed during and after the weeks he spent at his dad’s place. Whenever my son came back from a long weekend or school break with his dad, there’d be more sluggishness and he’d be begging me to pick up types of snack foods I’ve never kept in the house before. I started noticing other little clues like empty fast food wrappers crumpled at the bottom of his backpack too.
When I finally asked my son about it he told me that at his dad’s place, food is a big thing. They order out a lot, like all the time, and he stocks up on snackfood. His dad apparently calls it “feeding the machine” and has been encouraging him to bulk up a little and not to tell me because I’d freak. His father also basically has said, Girls don’t like guys who are too lean anyway so you really should fill out. Like what?? He’s SIXTEEN
I brought this up to my ex and he more or less laughed it off and told me I was being controlling and that boys need calories. He also had the audacity to say our son feels more at home at his place because he can actually eat like a man. What’s even worse is that he didn’t even try to deny the reasons behind what he’s doing. He literally said something along the lines of, maybe it’s overkill, but it makes him happy, and it makes him want to spend more time here. It’s working so why would I stop?
I couldn’t believe it because it’s like he basically admitted he’s feeding our son junk to get him to prefer being at his house. And honestly it is working a bit. My son has started pushing back on coming to my place. He makes excuses.
I told my ex that what he’s doing is manipulative, messing with our son and his relationship with food and his body. He said we should just let him be a kid.
I’m not trying to calorie-count my kid. I’m trying to protect his health and let him feel good in his own body!
So I snapped a little and told my ex that what he’s doing is emotional bribery through food and borderline sabotage. He said I’m being dramatic and jealous that our son prefers hanging out at his house. Now I’m wondering am I just being an asshole overly inserting myself into this? Is this a typical dad thing I just don’t understand?
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I (38F) am honestly just so frustrated and. I don’t know if I’m being an asshole about this or if this is actually as messed up as it feels.
My exhusband (39M) and I share custody of our 16-year-old son. He’s a great kid, smart, and very into sports also. He plays football, basketball, and baseball, and he’s been conscious of staying in good shape because he cares about competing and doing well.
Ever since my exhusband got remarried last year though he’s been acting like he has something to prove, like he wants to be the fun dad or cool parent. I kind of understand the motivation because I feel some of that urge myself, but the way he’s going about it is just bizarre.
At first I started seeing changes that I chalked up to normal growth. Teen boys fill out, right? But then I started to notice a pattern. The changes seemed to pick up speed during and after the weeks he spent at his dad’s place. Whenever my son came back from a long weekend or school break with his dad, there’d be more sluggishness and he’d be begging me to pick up types of snack foods I’ve never kept in the house before. I started noticing other little clues like empty fast food wrappers crumpled at the bottom of his backpack too.
When I finally asked my son about it he told me that at his dad’s place, food is a big thing. They order out a lot, like all the time, and he stocks up on snackfood. His dad apparently calls it “feeding the machine” and has been encouraging him to bulk up a little and not to tell me because I’d freak. His father also basically has said, Girls don’t like guys who are too lean anyway so you really should fill out. Like what?? He’s SIXTEEN
I brought this up to my ex and he more or less laughed it off and told me I was being controlling and that boys need calories. He also had the audacity to say our son feels more at home at his place because he can actually eat like a man. What’s even worse is that he didn’t even try to deny the reasons behind what he’s doing. He literally said something along the lines of, maybe it’s overkill, but it makes him happy, and it makes him want to spend more time here. It’s working so why would I stop?
I couldn’t believe it because it’s like he basically admitted he’s feeding our son junk to get him to prefer being at his house. And honestly it is working a bit. My son has started pushing back on coming to my place. He makes excuses.
I told my ex that what he’s doing is manipulative, messing with our son and his relationship with food and his body. He said we should just let him be a kid.
I’m not trying to calorie-count my kid. I’m trying to protect his health and let him feel good in his own body!
So I snapped a little and told my ex that what he’s doing is emotional bribery through food and borderline sabotage. He said I’m being dramatic and jealous that our son prefers hanging out at his house. Now I’m wondering am I just being an asshole overly inserting myself into this? Is this a typical dad thing I just don’t understand?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was blowing up at my exhusband for his parenting style, inserting myself into how I think he should parent our son when he stays with him. I think the reason this might make me an asshole is just because, if he took issue with part of my parenting choices, I’d honestly feel pretty offended if he got mad over those choices and tried to tell me to change them.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Bulk up? On junk food?
You’re NTA. If your ex is so worried about your kid ‘filling out’, then nutrition would be a concern.
Your ex is doing an impressive job of dressing up junk food as good parenting, but it’s BS.
No one is saying your kid isn’t allowed junk food but there’s no need to lie about it.
NTA and while IANAL, this sounds like something to bring up to whatever legal counsel you’re in contact with. While your ex’s actions may not reach the level of attempted parental alienation, they’re still biased and suspicious. Document everything he says because a paper trail is critical in these kinds of situations; he’s outright admitted he’s willing to mess with your son’s health in order to influence him.
Nah, you’re not the asshole here. It’s honestly kind of wild that your ex is using food like some weird bargaining chip. Your kid’s health and feelings about his body should come first, not some “fun dad” points. Feeding a teen junk just to win favor feels lowkey manipulative, no matter how you slice it. You’re looking out for your son, and that’s what really matters.
How much are you allowing him to eat?
NTA
Indeed, that’s manipulation of emotion, relationship to food and self including body.
That’s a lot of sodium and fat and chemicals.
Lean guys are catnip to a significant number of people.
NTA
Kids eat junk food it seems like y’all are at opposite ends of the spectrum and need to meet in the middle
NTA. I don’t think your ex’s behavior is a “parenting style” or “parenting choice”. It’s manipulation, and it’s unhealthy for the boy. You have a right to be involved in the health practices and nutritional decisions for your minor son.
Sure, young male teens have voracious appetites often. But they also need to learn to eat in a healthy way, not just to consume massive calories and processed junk food.
As co-parents, you and your ex need to agree (at least in general) on an approach to his meals and food that will not have him see-sawing between gorging on junk and then eating abstemiously (as he may see it).
I don’t know if this can be part of a written agreement in your custody arrangements, but it seems like something to ask your lawyer about.
Not to overly control your son’s diet, but to make certain standards clear between the two parents. For example, “take-out food will be nutritional and well-balanced; snack food will only be provided X times a day and to supplement other meals, not as a substitute.”
I’m sure there are better templates out there. This boy will someday slow down on the sports and his eating habits will catch up to him-so making good habits now matters.
NTA
I thought 16 year old boys were going to the gym to build their body. Because girls like muscles, not fat.
I have younger kids so I haven’t crossed the teenage hurdle yet but I’d just let him make his own food decisions. Dont make it a moms vs dad’s house thing. Just allocate a specific part of the normal food budget for snacks and ask what he would like. When I was 16 I was grasping for any control I had, something like this would have been a control gold mine for me. Also its important that your son learns how to not spiral like this as an adult once hes funding his own life. I started this very early with my kids. They can have any snack in their snack drawer which ranges from fruit snacks and meat trays to Swiss cake rolls. They, at 5 and 3, have already found a balance and eat really well because I took the power away from the food. Some foods make for great short term feelings and others are great for long term feelings but neither defines who we are. As for dad saying that the kids eating like crazy that tracks at 16. Id ask dad to lay off the body talk because it could give him a complex since all girls have different opinions on “hot” and genetics play a huge role in weight at that age. reaffirm with son that he is perfect as he is and show him that most men fill out naturally with age. When I met my husband at 12, he could eat 3x as much as me, by 16 he was eating everyone out of house and home. He is a healthy weight and has no odd feelings around food as an adult. He didnt start filling out till 20. At 16 he was a lanky lean kid. Take the power away from it and Give him room to make mistakes and see and feel the changes from the choices hes making. He will course correct with the right support.
We’re missing info here to make a judgement. Like you claim he’s sluggish from eating junk food but that seems a bit extreme so I’m wondering how food is treated at your house, if you have your own hangups around food and are insisting upon a certain diet for your son at your house.
INFO are you controlling how much your son can eat, or do you just dont end up buying alot of fast food.
Bcs while ex is totally wrong for bodyshaming your kid (saying he needs to bulk up and that girls wont like him of hes skinny), 16 year olds should manage to have self control, listen his dad can provide the food, but he cant force it down his throat. It seems like your son is enjoying getting to actaully eat, so there is a big chance that bcs of you controlling how much food (specifically junk food) he gets to eat, he started binge eating junk food when he gets the chance to do so. Its all about balance, you forcing him to eat only healthy stuff is as bad as his dad only giving him junk food and both of those things will end up messing up your sons relationship with food
Is this real?
How could you say it’s a typical “dad thing” ? Both moms and dads do this kind of thing it’s lazy and notoriously bad for children. No it’s obviously not good. Totally ruins kid’s relationship with food.
Your ex is sabotaging your sons health. Take a look at obesity and diabetes among kids. You need to have an honest talk with your son about what this kind of eating leads to and get his pediatrician involved too. He should be able to make informed decisions about what he eats at this age and the repercussions of making poor choices. NTA and good for you not letting this slide.
Junk food is just junk. Snack food also. Terrible for anyone’s health. I wouldn’t be worried about his motivation. Request that he starts feeding him proper food. Cuz you’re not “feeding the machine” with takeout and snack food. You’re poisoning it.
Nope, you’re definitely not the asshole here. It’s honestly messed up that your ex is using food as a way to manipulate your son’s feelings and loyalty. Your kid’s health and how he feels in his own body is way more important than being “the fun dad.” You’re just looking out for your son, and that’s what really counts. Your ex needs to grow up and stop treating food like a weapon.
NTA , so have you tried explaining the food thing to your son . Sports and being healthy goes hand in hand .
NTA
However I think kit will be very difficult to control what food your ex keeps in his own home.
I think the best approach is to help your son make good decisions for himself wherever he is. Since he is a multi-sport athlete I think it would be reasonable to have him get some counseling from a nutritionist who specializes in working with athletes.
NTA. If your son is playing any of his sports at a level that could potentially net him scholarships, it might be worth taking him to a registered dietician who deals with competitive athletes to talk about how his eating will affect his performance on the field/court. Maybe his coach might know someone? If not, see if your local pro teams in one of his sports mentions anywhere who the team consults with and see if that’s someone you can get access to (tbh, that’s probably a better option than someone coach likes – if the RD can say that they advise <local pro team> to focus on these macros and nutrients, and suggest a weekly meal plan for your son that is like what he’d recommend for his pros but tailored to your son’s likes and dislikes). That way, you can make all of this about supporting his athletics career and let him have more control over what he eats knowing that he’s going to make better choices. That should make Dad’s junk binging less attractive, and maybe let him see how his dad’s behavior is selfish while yours really has been about his best interests.
NTA, and his dad is selfish. “Feeding the machine” should be with healthy food and not a bunch of junk food. Take your son to the doctor/nutritionist and have the doctor tell him the effects of putting on bad calories. He isn’t eating like a man; your ex is going to cause your son to have an unhealthy relationship with food so the intervention needs to happen now. A court won’t see it this way and if YOURE the one to tell him, you’d be looked at as “controlling”. Take him to the nutritionist IMMEDIATELY.
YTA
A 3 sport 16 year old boy eating too much?
Sabotage?!
You have valid MINOR concerns about things that could be better. This is the definition of making a mountain out of a molehill.
NTA.
and i disagree with a lot of the comments saying you need to change anything about food in your house- you’ve made it a point throughout your post to reiterate that you have no desire to control your son’s diet or anything else that would affect his self-esteem. what you DID say, however, is that your ex is the one who is trying to control your son’s diet. in fact, he’s openly admitted to it. document everything, including son’s annual checkups.
NTA. Get a doctor’s note and notes from your son’s coaches/trainers. Also, talk with your son about how he can relate better to his father without food bribes.
NTA. It’s the emotional manipulation about body image, encouraging disordered eating (the “bulking up”) and the attempts at parental alienation that are glaring issues. He’s using body image to encourage your kid to eat more food that you don’t offer (because it’s both unhealthy on a daily basis, and because takeout gets expensive) in a way that is demonstrably harmful to your son: he is encouraging binge eating disorder under the guise of “bulking up for the ladies.”
Your ex is behaving like a drug dealer with food, trying to get your kid “hooked” on the more unhealthy foods in (more importantly) unhealthy quantities. If it were just what he keeps on hand, and it wasn’t couched in creepy ideas about body image, then it wouldn’t be an issue, but that’s not what’s happening.
Your ex also is trying to relive his youth through your kid. He’s concerned about your son dating as an extension of himself. If you can manage to afford therapy for you son, I’d strongly advise it. He needs help dealing with his father’s inability to recognize your son as an individual with his own wants and (health) needs. He’s definitely projecting his own body issues onto your son, which the kid definitely needs some help with ASAP, before he starts looking into steroids or something like that (I wish I were joking).
This is the same kind of thing that you usually see with mothers encouraging anorexic or bulimic behaviors because “guys don’t like big girls”; this is just the flip side of the coin.
ETA: in case I’m not clear, yes, bring this to your lawyer.
NTA.
Take your son to see someone who specialises in sports nutrition or whoever coaches the sports he partakes in. They will be able to guide him to healthy eating for his age, height and body type. Consulting a professional third party would give your son the information he needs to speak for himself. It would be harder for you to be labelled as “too strict” or his father labelled as “unhealthy” if he is allowed control over what he eats.
Nta but what foods does he have at yours ?
It’s ok to be super healthy ( I am myself) but if he’s being told no to certain foods at your house , you are making that food the forbidden fruit which is available at his dads and he’s more likely to over eat it
Even for an athletes, food should be balanced 80-90% healthy and 10-20% a bit of what you fancy depending on where you are in the athletes schedule
Most of my adult clients that come to me for help with food are clients whose parents didn’t allow any “junk” food so they didn’t learn how to eat in moderation growing up
One client was only allowed cake on her birthday and sweets at Xmas, no take out etc and although I get what her mom was trying to do health wise, she accidentally damaged her to the point of an ed, when she left home she ate take out every night for a year and gained 4 stone in a year, this spiraled and now at 33 she has real issues with food and is severely overweight
What his dad is doing is super wrong he’s giving to much junk and not enough health foods and you are right it’s going to affect his relationship with food long term
Just something to think about for both of you
The kid is 16. NTA but this isn’t a fight you can win unless he’s actually upset about the food he gets at his dad’s. I suggest picking your battles more carefully.
Your son might listen more to someone else and there are some excellent documentaries about fast food that could grab his attention and help him to understand the harm junk food is doing to his body.
Off the top of my head:
Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead
Food Inc.
Super Size Me
Fed Up
Oh, and absolutely NTA.
I don’t think you’re the asshole, but I do think you need to deeply confront your own motivations for feeling negatively towards this and your own relationship with food.
Even noticing something like this seems very strange to me. You’re saying your son is really sporty. Is his training actually being affected? Is his body composition actually changing? Are coaches expressing concern about impacted performance? The things that you are noticing (sluggishness, junk food cravings) are normal symptoms of puberty and normal things for teenagers to experience for plenty of different reasons.
I was a highly competitive athlete in HS and I went on to receive scholarship offers and compete in college. I also developed a sports-related eating disorder. From this perspective and experience, your comments feel a little bit worrying.
ESH Both of you are gonna give your son an eating disorder. Learning how to cook and eat a balanced diet with the inclusion of treats/snacks are important life skills that parents forget to teach. It’s why young adults who leave home for the first time gain a significant amount of weight and then use unhealthy methods (disordered eating or starvation, weird supplements, excessive exercise) to lose it. Your son is allowed to want take out/fastfood and ask for unhealthy snacks without you freaking out. You just have to show him balance: want a burger and fries? Okay, also have a salad and drink water instead of a soda. You want Taco Bell? Here’s a recipe to make a crunchwrap supreme at home. Pizza night? Let’s go to the store and buy some dough/toppings.I will say that you absolutely should interfere if they’re trying to bulk your son up to be a lineman. Maintaining that level weight is incredibly strenuous on the body.
I am worried about how focused you are on your son’s body (weight, how “filled out” he is)
ESH – your going to give your kid body image issues
I don’t care if I get downvoted for this.
I don’t necessarily think that YWNTBA, I’m more leaning towards ESH but I am concerned on how much you are providing your son with food or if you’re allowing him to get anything that he enjoys or desires that are junk-food. You said he’s in 3 extracurricular activities, he’s 16 and male… are you feeding him enough? Kids already have extremely high metabolisms, if he’s doing an insane amount of extracurricular activity unless he’s scarfing down buckets of junk food this isn’t likely to do an insane amount of harm to his health.
This isn’t a way to bulk up properly and would be known as a dirty bulk rather than a clean bulk. I’m not sure if your ex is a gymrat at all but this sounds more like a lack of education on the subject of physical health and bodybuilding. If your kid is that focused on his physical appearance and health and talks about it all the time to his dad then maybe his dad is just trying to provide the kid with more food thinking that it’s the right thing to do to help him and provide him with treats that he doesn’t get as often. I find the pointing out the wrappers in his bags and saying “he’d be begging me to pick up types of snack foods I’ve never kept in the house before” keyword saying “I’VE never kept in the house” which leads me to believe that you may be controlling your kids diet more than you’re leading us to be.
I don’t see what’s wrong with trying to make your son happy and wanting to spend time with him more, if his father has a hard time relating to him then it’s understandable. I wouldn’t say that he’s doing emotional bribery or sabotage to your kid, I understand you don’t have a negative view on your ex but that seems like an incredible overreach. If your kids happy then why are you upset? If you start fighting over stuff like this then your kid isn’t going to want to be around you even more and is going to start hating you for “trying to weaponize him against dad” he’ll feel like a pawn in the scheme of your broken relationship and that you’re trying to get back at his dad for whatever he did that caused you to have such a visceral reaction to him wanting to spend more time with his kid and make him happy. Your kid’s nearly 18, he can start making decisions on what he wants to eat on his own and how he wants to choose to live his life. I’d understand your position more if he was a child but he’s bordering on becoming a young adult.
These are just my observations though, I don’t know what you or your ex are thinking but I think that trying to start something over something as menial as this is only going to make your kid end up hating you. He’s not going to see it as you trying to protect him, and with how old your kid is I don’t see it that way either. It doesn’t seem like protection and more seems like unresolved conflict and trying to dig up whatever ammunition you can to drag your ex as much as possible and make him look like a terrible person. I’m not saying your ex is free from judgment or right in this situation, but I don’t see it as if he’s trying to cause problems and be the evil puppetmaster that you’re making him out to be.
NAH
It’s not a competition about whose house your son prefers to be at, don’t treat it like one.
Speaking as someone who grew up in highschool with parents who ONLY had healthy food in the house and basically no snacks – outside of my house I got my own snacks. At the school vending machine, or using my allowance money I would buy my own over processed treats. Nothing tragic happened. I am not overweight and I eat very healthy food now. He’s 16. Not 10. If he wants to eat junk food he will find a way with or without you and your ex.
I think using the words “bulk up” wasn’t a great seed to plant in your sons head but a let’s be real, no 16 year old boy has to be encouraged to eat junk food anyway. He’d be happy to do it.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to sit down and talk to him about how scarfing down a ton of junk food consistently can potentially cause an unhealthy relationship with food and some negative habits, but aside from having that conversation 16 is heading in that direction where he can start making his own choices about what he puts in his body.
I’ve found that the more controlling parents are about food, dating etc, the more that teen ends up rebelling or doing the opposite of what that parent asks.
Talk to him about moderation, but don’t cause a whole rift based on whose house he supposedly prefers to be at.