I had an argument with my friend and I want some opinions on if I am potentially in the wrong, or am handling the situation too seriously.
I am 20 female and black, she is 21 female and hispanic (will just call her E). We have been friends for 2+ years, and have not ever had any big arguments. Recently, our mutual friend, 19 female and white, accidentally referred to us as her “coloured” friends and we corrected her about the out of date nature of that term.
Well that conversation got us onto the topic of people using language they aren’t supposed to. Our mutual mentioned to me about a hispanic man at their shared workplace using the N word. Well E is a manager at said workplace, and this is a HUGE corporation, they have a whole ethics department meant to handle these kinds of situations. So, not thinking too much of it, I’m kind of like “ew you should report that”. Well, she kind of responded in a way that threw me. She said “why would I do that, it won’t change his mind.” I don’t really know if I am overreacting, but that kind of shocked me? Because what? You would be reporting him because he is using discriminatory language in the workplace? Not to change his mind. I try to express this sentiment to her, and her next responses are her trying to explain to me how using the n-word is “unfortunately part of hispanic culture” and that her black coworker (who she is a manager of) “didn’t care”. Now, I am black, but I am also mixed with white. I have white family members and grew up in a predominantly white area. I have seen white people attempt to use this “my black friends don’t care” logic and get verbally torn to shreds. I am confident that if this situation had been flipped and our mutual friend would have been the one saying this, she would have been like no, that’s wrong.
I kind of just reiterate why it’s wrong for him to be using this kind of language, and remind her that she is in fact a manager and upholding a non-racist work environment is something she should be doing. I remind her that the ethics reporting system they have set up at their workplace is anonymous and that when I did work there, I had used it for this same exact reason (different guy) and no one knew it was me who had made the report. There were some other things she said, but for lengths sake I am just going to stop here.
I will say that I am pretty open to confronting people face to face, and I did immediately confront my friends on her words and try to explain to her how her words are coming across. To be clear, I am not upset with her because some guy is saying the n-word, I am upset because she is attempting to normalize and excuse discriminatory behavior.
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I had an argument with my friend and I want some opinions on if I am potentially in the wrong, or am handling the situation too seriously.
I am 20 female and black, she is 21 female and hispanic (will just call her E). We have been friends for 2+ years, and have not ever had any big arguments. Recently, our mutual friend, 19 female and white, accidentally referred to us as her “coloured” friends and we corrected her about the out of date nature of that term.
Well that conversation got us onto the topic of people using language they aren’t supposed to. Our mutual mentioned to me about a hispanic man at their shared workplace using the N word. Well E is a manager at said workplace, and this is a HUGE corporation, they have a whole ethics department meant to handle these kinds of situations. So, not thinking too much of it, I’m kind of like “ew you should report that”. Well, she kind of responded in a way that threw me. She said “why would I do that, it won’t change his mind.” I don’t really know if I am overreacting, but that kind of shocked me? Because what? You would be reporting him because he is using discriminatory language in the workplace? Not to change his mind. I try to express this sentiment to her, and her next responses are her trying to explain to me how using the n-word is “unfortunately part of hispanic culture” and that her black coworker (who she is a manager of) “didn’t care”. Now, I am black, but I am also mixed with white. I have white family members and grew up in a predominantly white area. I have seen white people attempt to use this “my black friends don’t care” logic and get verbally torn to shreds. I am confident that if this situation had been flipped and our mutual friend would have been the one saying this, she would have been like no, that’s wrong.
I kind of just reiterate why it’s wrong for him to be using this kind of language, and remind her that she is in fact a manager and upholding a non-racist work environment is something she should be doing. I remind her that the ethics reporting system they have set up at their workplace is anonymous and that when I did work there, I had used it for this same exact reason (different guy) and no one knew it was me who had made the report. There were some other things she said, but for lengths sake I am just going to stop here.
I will say that I am pretty open to confronting people face to face, and I did immediately confront my friends on her words and try to explain to her how her words are coming across. To be clear, I am not upset with her because some guy is saying the n-word, I am upset because she is attempting to normalize and excuse discriminatory behavior.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We haven’t talked at all since that night and I think my confrontation may have come off as condescending, while we were talking she said “I’m not stupid” and so I am not sure if the things I called her out for are fair or not.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
NTA-As management she needs to be correcting that behavior not normalizing it. No, she won’t change his mind, I’m sure but she would be enforcing what is not acceptable in the work place by reporting him.
Nta
It’s not okay to use that language anywhere, but it’s especially bad in a work setting. It creates a hostile work environment. It’s enabling racist behavior. Honestly, it’s just plain shitty.
You had an opportunity to stand up for people (potentially) not able to stand up for themselves and you took it.
Your friend seems to be saying she “doesn’t want to rock the boat.” That’s how most shitty people get away with doing shitty things.
NTA. This is exactly what you are supposed to do on these situations. For big shit like this, you can’t just watch as your friends… just watch
she’s never looked in a mirror. nta be well
NAH. I didn’t take it as her normalizing or/and excusing but moreso speaking to her feelings of being powerless to address. So, lets hope your talk/friendship motivates her.
I’m Hispanic/Latino and no way is that language acceptable in my circles.
Question: Did E actually hear said Hispanic male use the term in question? Has it been formally reported to her? Or does this whole thing revolve around an informal conversation amongst you, E, and a 3rd party who claims to have heard racist language?
Are you asking E to report this language? It seems to me that the person actually hearing this language should be the one to report it. Or does this large corporation’s reporting system allow people to report hearsay and disclose that it is from a third party?