I (28F) and my husband (30M) have been together for 14 years and married for 4. We recently had our daughter (8 months old, F). She is the love of my life—and his too, as he claims. However, there have been ongoing family disputes with my mother-in-law (MIL).
Because of these disputes, my husband hasn’t visited our daughter for the past 2 months. (For context: I currently live with my parents for support with the baby, while he stays with his mother. In my culture, this is fairly common.) Despite that, he has neither visited our daughter nor explained to me why.
When our daughter was born, my husband wasn’t on speaking terms with his mother, so he would visit us frequently—even though his job is in a different state. But ever since he reconciled with his mother around 2 months ago, he has stopped visiting us altogether. He always says he loves both of us, but he shows no signs to prove it. I feel devastated that our relationship now seems to depend on my MIL. (She herself has still not visited or met our baby.)
So, AITA for confronting my husband about his behavior, which I find unacceptable—not just towards me, but also towards his daughter?
Comments
You’re not the asshole at all. A dad choosing to play mommy’s favorite over showing up for his own baby is a problem. Confronting him isn’t wrong it’s literally the bare minimum your daughter deserves.
NTA
Absolutely legit to define what you want from the relationship. If he can’t do that it will hurt but if it wasn’t clarified before (probably because it wasn’t a problem before) I see no time better than the present to do that.
I would recommend to focus more on actions you expect rather than doubting his feelings. You can stick to “I statements” when talking about why these are your needs but try to define clear boundaries and not over focus on emotions
He says beautiful words who are not followed by his acts. If he doesn’t show you your family is his priority, I would question the fact that you are a family to begin with…
ESH. You should have had your mom come stay for a week or two then leave. You’ve built a distance between you two and let’s face it, he’s home getting spoiled by his mom.
What culture??
Never heard of such a thing after birth.
NTA…
But he’s proving he’s a very uninvolved parent and partner.
Now that you’ve confronted him, let it go and see what happens.
He knows how you feel and what he should be doing.
Give him the space to prove that he is or isn’t going to be involved.
If you can see he isn’t going to step up to be a partner or father, I would recommend you stay with your parents. And divorce.
It sounds like his mom thinks he doesn’t need a wife and child. And he agrees with her.
I’m not familiar with a culture where new parents separate to live with their own parents. It sounds sad for your daughter in the future if your husband spends very little time with her. But it does sound as if you and your parents are flooding her world with love and care. You are NTA at all for confronting your husband about his behavior, which is unacceptable.He’s missing out on building a good relationship with his daughter, so in a way, you’ll be doing him a favor to confront him.
NTA You have two problems your husband and his mother. I would recommend rethinking this relationship. It will not get better.
NTA. Maybe time to end things
NTA for confronting him. But I’d think about what his stance means, because words mean nothing if they’re not supported by actions. I don’t know what culture you are from that requires or is common that BOTH of you separate to live with your family of origin when you have a child. I’ve heard about extended family members moving in to help or developing a system by living close by where they are continuously helping the couple with the household tasks and some help with the infant so they can focus on their baby and recovery. I’ve heard of the couple together moving in with one of the parents for the same purpose. I don’t know what culture it is that is normal for the new parents to live separately (aside from the work you say your husband does in a different state)… But again, your husband is not doing anything of the parenting or the husband-ing. He’s not being there for you nor your baby, so I’d think carefully about the next steps if I were you. Because from the little information you’re giving us, either you two should live together at the state/city where he works or you should both live with one of the parents for a specific period of time if needed. But living separate lives like this? He’s making an active choice to live the single life, who knows in how many ways but at least living with mommy and having nothing to do with his wife and child he’s definitely living the single life. So he either mans up to mommy and starts being an active part of his wife and child day to day or you go your separate ways and figure how to co-parent.
NTAH!
Your husband is a mommy’s boy man child. Get a real man.