For context, I (33F) am considering breaking up with my boyfriend (32M) after I found out what he had planned for my birthday.
For context, I was diagnosed with cancer this year and thought that it could potentially be my last birthday.
Throughout my treatment, he’s not been great and my sister has spent the majority of her time with me in the hospital. At home, he’s been great with looking after our pets (but has moaned about it a lot to me) due to the chemotherapy I haven’t been able to do as much as I would like with house chores etc because I’ve been so fatigued. My sleep has been disrupted too so I’ve used his AirPods to meditate/escape.
I’ve just finished my treatment and my birthday is coming up soon. He’s not usually great at choosing presents so I gave him a list (nails, hair and maybe a spa day somewhere), he said he didn’t have enough money so I paid for the spa day and my sister bought me a nails voucher.
Anyway; here’s where things get interesting, I had an operation as part of my treatment and I heard his mum on the phone saying that my present had arrived and it was AirPods. Obviously it’s a great present but it’s really got my back up, because I feel as though he’s only bought the AirPods because I use his. I also do not want AirPods.
Right now I’m feeling so vulnerable because I’ve lost some of my hair, and it’s thinning, my hair being done as a birthday present is the only thing I truly wanted. Which I’ve explained to him.
For example, on his birthdays/Christmas’, I go all out. I save for months to make him feel special. I book us holidays, buy him expensive jewellery, aftershaves etc. I know he’s never been great with presents since our first Xmas together so I found that giving him a list would be a great way of helping him out without hurting his feelings and then I’m not disappointed, to me, its a win-win!
However, this year I almost died and I think coupled with how he’s been throughout my treatment, plus what he has planned for my birthday I can’t overlook it. I feel really let down (It could be because my emotions are everywhere with the treatment). But it’s difficult when I’ve scraped and saved for his birthday and he’s not giving the same energy back.
It’s making me question if I can be with him at all.
AITA?
Comments
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im sorry for what you’re going through OP. but this man does not like you. he cant even take care of your pets without you begging when he should have been your primary caregiver. you’re not getting anything out of this relationship from what i can see. he’s so selfish that he cant give his gf who has cancer a decent gift from the list you GAVE to him? he’s only adding to your stress when you’re already fighting for you life. leave him and focus on your health
“it’s the only thing I truly wanted. Which I’ve explained to him.”
What is this referring to?
He has shown his true colors. You really don’t have excess energy to spend on people who don’t need to be in your life. Let this one go. You are NOT the AH.
It sounds like you’re not really upset about the gift and there’s so much going on here it’s not about who is an AH, it’s more about compatibility. You feel like if he loved you like you want to be loved, he’d be better about gifts. I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much with cancer but you’ve kicked cancer’s ass! I hope you can extend more grace to yourself. You’re still the same person, you’re still beautiful.
He has shown you who he is and you dont like it. Its okay to walk away
Seems like an unpopular opinion but honestly it sounds like he just tried to get you something thoughtful. He couldn’t afford all the stuff on the list and wanted to get you something he knew you’d use often. If you use his AirPods all the time then AirPods of your very own seems like a perfect gift idea. It sounds like you wanted him to spend several hundred dollars when honestly that’s just not reasonable, especially if money is tight. I think it’s a super shallow reason to break up with someone. All the other stuff is completely valid and he should have been more supportive throughout treatment for sure and that’s a valid reason, but tbh you might be overreacting about the gift.
Have you read at all about love languages? They say there are 5, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. It sounds like your love language is gifts and his is not. He may not understand how much gifts mean to you and also not see why you do so much as far as gifts for him because that’s not how he feels love.
It might benefit both of you to learn what makes the other feel loved and appreciated. Maybe he thinks he is showing it to you in another way?
Maybe you should’ve paid for the hair day if it was so important.
Dude saw you using something and getting relief from it. So, he got it for you. It was thoughtful.
You sound awful, honestly.
This is not the kind of partner you deserve. I hope karma treats you both accordingly, by bringing you a partner who will care for you the way you should have been this entire time, and by kicking his butt for not being that person when you needed it. I’m sorry you went through this, and I’m hoping with the past tense and the finishing treatment statement that that means you are in remission and congratulations if that is the case! I hope someone in your life makes sure you get the chance to get your hair done like you want and that your life only gets better from here. Definitely NTA.
Look, I am terribly sorry for what you’re going through. But just to clarify: you thought this may be your last or at best one of the few birthdays you have left. And he was a complete disappointment. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your, possibly though hopefully not, short life. Please keep in mind cancer can reoccur. Do you see him take care of you in case you will need him in the future?
YTA to yourself – this may be a sign for you to make better choices, have a second chance at doing things right. Dump him. You’ve overcome cancer on your own, you can do anything
What do you use his AirPods, but don’t want any for yourself? That makes no sense.
It seems like a very thoughtful gift, and it would be childish to dump him over that.
You were a bitch, I understand you’re dealing with cancer, but are still acting like a bitch. He brought you something that would last longer than a spa day, nails or hair.
NTA
if he could buy airpots he could buy a spa gift card.
you care more about him than he cares about you.
I would let this one go. Looking at it from the outside it is a nice gift and he chose something that you use frequently but you don’t own yourself. On paper it’s like a perfect birthday gift so I would ultimately ask yourself what you would want out of this situation if you were to confront him.
I think what you want is a thoughtful partner who can support and love you through good times and hard times. He’s showing you that he may not be the support system you need. I too went through cancer treatment this year and know how important it is for people to show up. Look hard and deep. I don’t think it’s about the birthday present it seems like more than that. I had similar experience with some family members. Unfortunately I can’t exactly break up with them, but definitely they are LC to NC now
ESH your boyfriend should have been more with you and supporting you during the treatments. That said, the AirPods seem like a thoughtful gift since you don’t have any of your own and often use his. If you want to break up with him, break up with him for not being there for you this past year. I’ve gotten plenty of off gifts. I’ve never broken up with someone for one.
hes your boyfriend. We dont know anything of him other than your complaints. We certainly dont know how waxy or dirty your ears may get, but more importantly we dont know what his responsibilities are aside from supporting you. His life just changed alot this year and hes not even married to you. You may buy him expensive, extravagant gifts but he may no be the type to care about that. Are you doing this from the heart or expecting the same gesture in return? The jewlery and aftershave only improve his image (which he may not care about) and the trips could easily be more for you than him. Cancer or not. You need to be honest with yourself and communicate with HIM and not a sub full of unwashed, mentally ill strangers with more opinions than answers.
NTA. You almost died, you told him what would make you happy, and he still didn’t bother. That’s not about money, that’s about effort
He cares more about getting his AirPods back than about your health. Please respect yourself and fucking kick that manchild out.
I’m just here to say, I wish you well and hope you beat this! Here’s to a cancer free future. ❤️🩹
YTA, you’re using his and when he got you your own, you suddenly don’t want them?
It seems you’re resenting him for not being a better BF during your treatment and it has nothing to do with the present.
Consider that we – men think in a more practical way than women. He saw you like his airpods and that seemed like a great gift, I would probably buy the same.
NTA. While the concept of anyone buying AirPods for someone passive-aggressively as a gift does sound ridiculous, it paints a sad picture when pieced together with all the other details. Either he’s a malicious asshole, or he wants to break up but doesn’t want to be that guy who broke up with his cancer patient gf, or both.
This relationship doesn’t mean as much to him as it does you.
I always wonder if men give disappointing gifts because they have a history of being shot down no matter what they do or get.
Unless it is something very specific, do women only want what is on their list? To me the list is saying I can buy myself this for myself, but I’ll let you do if for me and then you won’t disappoint me by getting something I don’t really want.
My husband has a mixed history of successful gifts. But he is always entertaining in the packaging. Our kids and grandkids know what you think the gift is, may not be the real gift. One stands out for a new to the family SIL. He got a gift card, but the packaging was a toy remote car and hidden in the box was the gift card. SIL had that unopened toy on his desk at work for a year and never opened the box. He was going to regift it to someone’s kid and decided to open the box to play with it and was surprised by the gift card.
You have good reasons for breaking up with him, but don’t do it over the Air Pods. Nobody is a mind reader. All he knows is that you seemed to find his useful, so he bought you your own. And know that many people strive to buy presents that aren’t expected. Telling folks what you want for your birthday shouldn’t translate into an ultimatum of, “Buy me this, or else”.
Literally why are you with this man
ETA: NTA, obviously
I’m not here to question your feelings at all but you asked for perspectives and I guess the only counter to point to yes you should consider breaking up if you’re not feeling supported is… I just wonder why this is the issue that got to you.
If through it all the big problem is he didn’t get you the specific gift you asked for, is he doing other stuff right?
That said, generally I think it’s never really about the airpods or hair or whatever, you just aren’t in love anymore. If that’s the case, I guess it’s best to break up. But you really need to put yourself first regardless and do it at the right time and so on. If you have family that would help you more and make you feel more supported making a change to your situation sounds great to me.