I (30f) co-parent my daughter with my ex, (39m), and I’ve reached a breaking point. I need to know if I’m the asshole for cutting off all personal communication and only using the court-ordered co-parenting app.
When our daughter was four months old and I returned to work (I don’t work from home, he does), I chose a daycare near my job so I could breastfeed on lunch and be close in emergencies. I told him, and he said, “If you think it’s good, fine.” No input, no tour, no research. Later, he pushed to cut her from 5 days to 3 to avoid full payments—even though we’re court-ordered to split childcare 50/50. That change left me with only 2 days I could use for work.
The daycare charged weekly on autopay from my account. I told him he could make his own account to pay directly, but he didn’t. Instead, he reimbursed me whenever he felt like it—sometimes late or partially. Eventually, he started blaming me for choosing the daycare “without his input” and even threatened not to pay at all.
To keep the peace, I agreed to pick a new daycare together. But when I asked what he wanted me to do, he yelled that I “needed to fix it” without saying how. Eventually, he asked for a list of 5 local daycares. I did the research, sent him the list. He ignored it for over a week, then told me I was making him do “all the homework.” Finally, he said to pick 2, and he’d choose one. I did. He chose one.
I scheduled a tour. He demanded it be during my work hours so I’d be “making a sacrifice.” I don’t work from home—he does—but I still called off work. After the tour, we got the enrollment forms. I gave them to him to complete. We were in the last week of her old daycare and he was about to leave for a work trip, so timing mattered.
That Friday, I asked if he’d filled them out. He told me he “wasn’t sure we liked the daycare,” because I supposedly rolled my eyes at the food options. I hadn’t. When I calmly told him that wasn’t true, he accused me of lying, slammed his car door, and drove off mid-convo.
I messaged him later to say this behavior isn’t acceptable. He denied everything and acted like I was overreacting. After months of yelling in front of our daughter, slamming doors, twisting facts, blaming me, and storming off mid-discussions, I finally set a boundary.
I told him: from now on, unless it’s about Amelia, contact me only through the court app. No more personal calls, texts, or access to me.
Now he’s calling me controlling and unreasonable. I feel like I’ve done everything I can to keep peace for Amelia’s sake, but I’m tired of being disrespected and manipulated.
AITA for cutting off personal communication with my ex and only using the court app to co-parent?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
I (30f) co-parent my daughter with my ex, (39m), and I’ve reached a breaking point. I need to know if I’m the asshole for cutting off all personal communication and only using the court-ordered co-parenting app.
When our daughter was four months old and I returned to work (I don’t work from home, he does), I chose a daycare near my job so I could breastfeed on lunch and be close in emergencies. I told him, and he said, “If you think it’s good, fine.” No input, no tour, no research. Later, he pushed to cut her from 5 days to 3 to avoid full payments—even though we’re court-ordered to split childcare 50/50. That change left me with only 2 days I could use for work.
The daycare charged weekly on autopay from my account. I told him he could make his own account to pay directly, but he didn’t. Instead, he reimbursed me whenever he felt like it—sometimes late or partially. Eventually, he started blaming me for choosing the daycare “without his input” and even threatened not to pay at all.
To keep the peace, I agreed to pick a new daycare together. But when I asked what he wanted me to do, he yelled that I “needed to fix it” without saying how. Eventually, he asked for a list of 5 local daycares. I did the research, sent him the list. He ignored it for over a week, then told me I was making him do “all the homework.” Finally, he said to pick 2, and he’d choose one. I did. He chose one.
I scheduled a tour. He demanded it be during my work hours so I’d be “making a sacrifice.” I don’t work from home—he does—but I still called off work. After the tour, we got the enrollment forms. I gave them to him to complete. We were in the last week of her old daycare and he was about to leave for a work trip, so timing mattered.
That Friday, I asked if he’d filled them out. He told me he “wasn’t sure we liked the daycare,” because I supposedly rolled my eyes at the food options. I hadn’t. When I calmly told him that wasn’t true, he accused me of lying, slammed his car door, and drove off mid-convo.
I messaged him later to say this behavior isn’t acceptable. He denied everything and acted like I was overreacting. After months of yelling in front of our daughter, slamming doors, twisting facts, blaming me, and storming off mid-discussions, I finally set a boundary.
I told him: from now on, unless it’s about Amelia, contact me only through the court app. No more personal calls, texts, or access to me.
Now he’s calling me controlling and unreasonable. I feel like I’ve done everything I can to keep peace for Amelia’s sake, but I’m tired of being disrespected and manipulated.
AITA for cutting off personal communication with my ex and only using the court app to co-parent?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action was cutting off all personal communication with my ex and telling him he can only contact me through the court-approved co-parenting app, and only about our daughter.
I can see how some might think I’m the asshole because it’s a strict boundary and it might seem like I’m trying to control the situation or shut him out completely. But I did it after months of being disrespected, verbally mistreated, and constantly stuck in circles over important things like daycare. I needed to protect my mental health and create stability for our daughter.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
Check out our holiday break announcement here!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta. This is the way to go. And all of his words/behavior- and yours, is well documented. The end.
NTA
Also may consider taking him to court to make sure he’s paying his share of daycare expenses.
NTA. This is exactly what these apps are for, what’s the argument against them?
He’s making it impossible to proceed any other way trying to sabotage the daycare situation. He knows you need to work . And long term who wants to be treated badly
NTA, this is often the best way to handle things
NTA, use the app for everything and when the new daycare is setup make sure his 1/2 comes out of his account, not yours!
NTA at least he isn’t giving you any room to doubt the wisdom of making him an ex
NTA – All communication especially Amelia should go through the app. Your daughter is only months old. This behaviour will continue to get worse. Also, go to court for the daycare fees. None of this “I will send you the money” Nope. This is a mess in the making.
Nta.
Sounds like you’ve already given him way too many chances to make it right.
Now it’s time for you to actually make it right.
NTA
Well done. From now on, everything will be documented, No more games.
NTA.
Stop doing research for him. He’s a grown ass man. He can do his own
NTA. He wants to make your life miserable and not leave breadcrumbs for the court. Don’t give him that satisfaction.
NTA. You should have done it a long time ago. You might also want to make him do his payments through some court ordered method. Then there is proof when he doesn’t pay as he should.
NTA if he’s an asshole, just never, ever talk shit about him in front of your kid. You don’t have to be nice, but you cannot talk shit about him when you’re kid is around.
NTA. He’s the one being controlling. He’s purposefully sabotaging this process in order to stop you working, therefore minimising your income. It’s financially coercive and abusive. He is using your child to make you suffer, and doesn’t care if your child suffers to do it.
Go back to your lawyer, go back to court, get a stricter parenting plan put in place. Sure it won’t be as flexible for you, but it will be more flexible than his actions, which seem to be motivated by his desire to punish you for not complying.
I was going to say ‘yes, you are an a-h for cutting off communication’.
Cutting communication just makes both parties respond to the image they make up of the other partner.
I recall this line from science or sciencefiction that has stuck with me: “Two intelligent civilizations which can not communicate with each other are bound to destroy each other” , as your fear and assumptions will dictate your actions.
But this guys needs to have his car set on fire.
NTA. This man is absolutely trying to sabotage you in any way he can. Document everything and take him back to court for the changes he’s requested.
Those court appointed apps exist for a reason and he is proof of that. Refuse to communicate unless he uses it.
Nta! Good for you Mama! You have to protect your peace and my boss always tells me if it’s not in writing it didn’t happen. So keep all your documentation and keep the communication through the court app so he can’t say he didn’t know anything. I wish you all the best going forward I hope everything works out for the better.
NTA.
>“Now he’s calling me controlling and unreasonable.”
^^ BTW he is HUGELY projecting and turning the tables on you. He is the one who has been controlling and unreasonable.
He does not want you to communicate solely via the app as he now has to be careful to watch his abusive and manipulative behaviour.
OP some hopefully helpful advice for you:
Continue to communicate ONLY via the app so you have a paper trail of comms.
Go back to the day-care that best suits your child and you within reason i.e. costs etc (this is the standard the court will adhere to).
Petition the court to make day care payments directly payable direclty to yourself every two weeks on a specified day. If he continually defaults or fails to pay at all eventually he will be moved to wage garnishment (depending on state)
NTA. You have no reason to speak to him outside the app. He’s only pissed because he can’t be an AH on the app as it will all be documented and seen.
NTA, only communicating through the app is a smart choice.
Take him back to court, have all payments from him go through a third part in the courts. He misses a payment it is on him. Try to get his parenting time refused if he is paying games
When he asked to cut days I assumed he was watching her for those days. Not you cutting your hours in half.
This isn’t a co-parenting situation. He put you into a corner to only follow the courts because he refuses to have a decent relationship.
So follow the courts. Go back if you need to so he is directly responsible for financial duties and can’t use paying you as a control and manipulation tactic. NTA
NTA. Good grief he sounds exhausting.
Your ex is a narcissist. Only use the app. Cut off his narcissistic supply (you)
He’s the one being controlling. He’s trying to stop you working and be financially a mess. Don’t have ANY communication with him outside of the app. Everything needs to be through the app, especially about Amelia. You have 50/50 custody so presumably he doesn’t pay child support. That may change if you stop working. Would he possibly have to support you the less you work? That might shut him up!
If he tries to message directly, screenshot his message and post it in the court app and reiterate all communication is through the app. Use that communication to go back to court and get stricter plans in place.
Your boundaries are fair but need to be water tight. I wouldn’t pull her from this day care if possible. It’s near your work and best for your daughter. Work full time and pay the fees and make it clear to him he either pays his half and shuts up or it’s back to court. Do NOT let him control you like this. NTA
NTA!! But, you definitely shouldn’t communicate with him. Even about your daughter. Except in that app. He’s trying to manipulate you. Using moneyband your child as a weapon. If it’s court ordered he cannot stop paying anything. All you have to do is report him to rhe judge and he will get arrested. He clearly needs for that to happen. And yo7 need to tell the jusge you have to have 5 daus of childcare so you can work full time and he’s trying to make you miss our on income because he only wants bany there part time and he won’t watch them.