I (35M) cut off my parents a few years ago, and now that they’re old and struggling, some of my extended family say I’m being cruel.
Growing up, my parents were emotionally and physically abusive. I wasn’t allowed to express feelings, was constantly insulted or hit, and told I was a burden. There was never love just fear and control. I left home at 18 and never really looked back. With therapy and effort, I rebuilt my life from scratch.
Now my dad has early-stage dementia and my mom recently fell and got injured. Relatives have reached out, telling me they need help, they’re alone, and that I “owe them” something. I’ve refused to get involved. I don’t visit, I don’t call, and I don’t want to.
To be clear I’m not angry. I’m just done. I’ve spent most of my adult life healing, and I feel no obligation to re-open that wound, even if they’re nearing the end of their lives.
Some cousins have called me heartless and said I’ll regret not making peace before they die. Others say I’m setting a healthy boundary and protecting my mental health.
So… AITA for refusing to be there for my parents now that they’re old, even though they were abusive when I was a kid?
Comments
NTAH. Healthy boundaries for a healthy life. They had their chance now they can suffer the consequences of their actions! You owe them nothing.
Absolutely not! They chose to have you not the other way around. Karma is just catching up with them. Continue to protect your mental health
NTA. Your mental health isn’t a charity for abusers. You healed by cutting ties, don’t let anyone guilt you back into their mess
Thank God you got out of there before the shit hit the fan. Block anybody who’s trying to turn you into an unpaid servant for abusive people. NTA
NTA – you don’t owe them anything. They owed you a happy and safe childhood. They didn’t provide it.
Abuse doesn’t come with a return policy just because they’re old now. You’re not heartless you’re finally free.
If your relatives are that concerned, they can pitch in and help them.
If those wounds never healed then your not a good fit to take care of them. High probability you would be abusive to them eventually. Leave it alone. Very tough situation. I’m sorry but you could help with paying for their care if you wanted to. NTA.
No you’re solid in your decision, stand firm & complete the no contact by blocking those who harass you moving fwd. you owe them zip.
NTA – Why is it only now they are seeking you out?! It’s been 17 years. Because, they havrnt changed and are thinking solely of themselves. I don’t think they even deserve your tears when they pass.
NTA. Your cousins are free to help your parents in any way they feel help is needed. You don’t need to get involved, if your parents have never even tried to ask for forgiveness (even then, it would not have been your responsibility).
NTA. What can you do that the relatives calling you can’t? If your parents need help they can step up and help.
Grey rock the flying monkeys and continue your healthy happy life. You don’t owe anyone anything. Tell anyone who asks that they are already dead to you. The fact that they are somewhere feeling sorry for themselves is not relevant in your world. Be happy.
NTA. Being a caregiver is exhausting and you have to seriously love someone to do it for free (not as a paid job). Your parents had every opportunity for 18 years to show you who they were and how they felt about you. And they did. Which is why you left.
The other relatives trying to weigh in just don’t want to end up stuck taking care of them so they want to stick you with the job but they’ve been strangers to you for almost as long as they were ‘parents’ and there’s no reason they can’t go in to the grave that way. This is a good lesson for all these interfering relatives to learn- your kids aren’t your guaranteed rest home when you treat them like shit.
Enjoy your well deserved peace, stay away from these people. No way they’ve improved with age or they’d have begged for forgiveness a decade ago. And if you really want to silence the relatives, remind them of exactly how you were treated and that you might do the same as their caretaker- best they go elsewhere, where it’s kinder with all these big hearted, big mouthed cousins.
“elatives have reached out, telling me they need help, they’re alone, and that I “owe them” something”
Question: where we said relatives when you needed help, when you felt alone. Didn’t they owe you something then?
I guess it’s your choice. I usually retreat people how they treat me mind. You did take me a long time to figure that out. Have your parents ever tried to reach out to you after you moved on? If not that speaks volumes if they did, it’s up to you you have to make the decision that you can live with, but that’s a hard one if your father has dementia, he won’t even know who you are if your mom is injured, you might wanna go visit. But I don’t think it’s your responsibility if they didn’t take care of youI wish you best of luck.
Do you owe them?
Your parents owed you love, support, and a child-friendly upbringing free from violence, fear, and humiliation. They chose not to and repeatedly hurt and harmed you. You owe them nothing at all.
You reap what you sow and sometimes what you sow is unpleasant.
NTA