I (25F) lost my mom a few months ago after a long battle with cancer. It’s been a tough time, and I’ve been leaning on my family for support, especially my brother, Mark (35M), who’s been the one I turned to the most.
After my mom passed, we started going through her things, sorting out what to keep and what to donate. I wasn’t expecting to keep everything, but there were a few sentimental items I wanted to preserve, her jewellery, some family photos, and a few of her old books. Mark and I had agreed that we would divide up her things fairly, and I trusted him to help with the process.
A week ago, I found out that Mark had been secretly selling some of my mom’s items without telling me. He sold several pieces of her jewellery to a pawn shop and even let some of her vintage furniture go for ridiculously low prices. I was heartbroken when I found out, especially because he’d promised me that nothing would be sold unless we both agreed on it.
When I confronted him about it, he tried to justify his actions, saying that he was “just trying to get some money for himself” and that he didn’t think I’d care about the items as much as he did. He told me that I was “making a big deal out of nothing” and that I should just let it go. I was furious and hurt beyond belief. He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to keep anything, and he had no right to make decisions about my mom’s belongings without me.
I told him that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore and cut him out of my life for the time being. He’s been trying to contact me, apologising, and saying he didn’t mean to hurt me, but I just can’t shake the feeling that he took advantage of my grief.
I haven’t told anyone else in the family yet, and I’m worried they’ll think I’m overreacting or that I should have “been the bigger person.” My friends think I did the right thing, but I’m still conflicted.
So, AITA for cutting off my brother after what he did?
Comments
“He had no right to make decisions about my moms belongings without me”
NTA, That’s the gut-wrenching feeling when your brother rips off grieving trust over momma’s stuff, and in the darkness of grief, we’ve all felt the sting of those who prey.
I mean, not at all. You’re not overreacting, your brother broke your trust at a really vulnerable time, and that kind of betrayal cuts deep. It’s totally valid to take space and protect your peace, especially when you’re grieving. Just because someone’s family doesn’t mean they get a free pass to hurt you. You’re allowed to set boundaries, and if that means cutting contact for now, that’s okay 🙂
N-no kidding. (Holy) Hell, I can empathize with how you feel, especially because he never asked. That brother of yours might’ve been desperate but what he did was low, and it’s only natural to cut someone out who plays with your grief like that. From a twisted angle though, one could say (hey) that if he had approached you about his financial mess, you two might’ve found another way to handle it. In times of heartbreak, we realize that love and support comes from all sorts of places, not just within our own family, as daunting as it may be to accept. You’re a rockstar mom, and I bet you’ll keep moving forward with strength. NTA
NTA. I assume that he was the executor of the estate which did give the legal right but not the moral right. Sounds like he has money problems that he’s not talking about
ummm what does the will say? Fight back?
He knew what he was doing that’s why he didn’t ask. He knew you’d be upset. I would respond with- I will forgive you when you give me back all of moms stuff you stole
NTA he had no right to do that, if he was struggling financially he should of told you and only sold the stuff once you had divided up what you both wanted and split the money of anything sold. If this is a pattern of behaviour of him being selfish and inconsiderate than yh put distance between you but if it’s out of character and you are both close normally please don’t let this come between you for good and when your ready go and talk to him.
So NTA-However, if you were joint executors or there was no will then what he did is potentially illegal depending on where you live. If there was debt owed by your late mother then you may not be the only one with a legal claim. He could get himself in big trouble with the court.
Depending where you live, nothing can be touched or sold until probate is granted and unfortunately that can take ages. Even executors can’t sell anything from the estate until probate is granted
My mum died earlier this year and grief really does overcome the way of thinking rationally at times. Sadly, it also brings out the worst in some families. Thankfully in my mums death it’s just me and my niece, and didn’t have to deal with stuff But other family members who have died agreed comes out in people in wanting jewelry and other stuff and half the time, not to keep in memory, but to pawn off
My thoughts are with you, as it really is a hard time and not helped by your brother’s actions.
NTA. Your brother is a greedy thief and a liar.
What’s getting me is the ‘you’re making a big deal out of nothing’. That’s textbook gaslighting. That said, I wouldn’t cut him off entirely. No, I would take his silly ass to court. It first you ABSOLUTELY need to tell other family about it. He’s basically stealing from you.
NTA! Protect your peace n grieve in peace as well. He took advantage of you n he knows he did it
NTA for being angry.
Silent treatment is not a mature way of handling this though. I know going “no contact“ with family is a popular trend.
It’s rarely a healthy resource in my opinion. I don’t think it’s the healthy option in this situation. Be angry. Express your anger. Be hurt and express that too. Find a solution. Grief creates all sorts of chaos within families. Don’t make life altering decisions under this type of stress.
Tell him the only way you’ll talk to him again is if he can reacquire every piece he has sold off no matter what he has to pay. Otherwise it’s deuces forever.
You did the right thing and to hell with what family thinks or says
NTA. Tell him if he’s really sorry he’ll go back and buy the items from the pawn shop that you wanted. 100% serious.
A lot of times in life you don’t see a person’s true colors until money gets involved. And then you really see who they are. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him from this point on. Selfish, and will throw you under the bus the first chance he gets an opportunity to get a leg up in life.
If it wasn’t a “big deal” why did he keep it a secret?
Who is the executor of Mom’s estate? If she had a will that should be honored.
If she did not, then you and Mark are probably (IANAL) equal beneficiaries. So him needing money-isn’t a legit reason to not consult with you about selling assets.
I think you might want to set up a consult with an estate lawyer, even if you do not intend to sue Mark, to be sure what your rights in the estate are.
Because Mark has demonstrated your trust in him is misplaced.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA
NTA: I’m so sorry for your loss. People should have a will so things like this don’t happen. I am having my will update later this month
I would report the stuff stolen
OP I am so sorry for your loss, and the speed and cruelty of this is so sad. It hurts to not have your mom and he took that wound and punched you in it. He will now try to minimize and excuse what he did when he knows EXACTLY what he was doing. In fact you spoke about it. Some people will side with him because it’s easier than helping you through this, but they are not correct. This wound is big and the betrayal of your trust is big. You deserved so much better. If you choose to distance yourself or you choose to forgive over time all are justified and ok. It’s a hard hurt to come back from.
NTA. How long has your brother had a drug and/or gambling problem?
NTA. He justified it by outright stating he was selfish and greedy. He showed you who he is, believe him.
Hell no you aren’t overreacting. He is greedy and sold the stuff behind your back because he wanted the money or he has some kind of substance abuse problem. Don’t blame you. Don’t second guess yourself. He can’t be trusted and you don’t need someone like that in your life. His apologies are so he can access so he can continue to rip you off.
NTA your brother is a thief, pure & simple. He didn’t wait for the items to be divided as per your mom’s will, he just jumped in & started stupidly selling anything his could get a few bucks for. If you can afford it, get a lawyer & sue him for half the value & not just half his rock bottom pawned price. If nothing else, threaten the slob so he stops doing this crap right now.
First, tell everyone
Second, tell your AH brother to get your Mom’s items back
Third, NTA
Ugh, I’m so sorry, it hurts so much to be betrayed by someone who you love and trust. Have you been able to take those pieces that meant the most to you? If he is the executor and your mom’s will is being probated, it might be worth it to take your concerns to the probate judge. Here’s the thing: The stuff that he’s selling, he should be splitting 50/50 with you. I hate that he gaslighted you by saying that you were making a big deal out of nothing.