Ok so back story my biological sister. Abused her children and got them all taken from her. She went to jail for minimum time, and when she got out I told my entire family and social circle if they talked to her I would cut them off. Through the years I have cut of tons of people that listened to my “sisters” sob story how she was a victim blah blah blah. I have children of my own so I won’t have them subjected to person like her. Fast forward years later I find out my mom had been lieing to me for months going behind my back talking to “sister”. I told my mom I was done with her and she will not be in contact with me or my children for there safety and my mental health because in my mind anyone who can support someone who does such cruel things to a child does not need to be in my family’s life. So am I the asshole
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Backup of the post’s body: Ok so back story my biological sister. Abused her children and got them all taken from her. She went to jail for minimum time, and when she got out I told my entire family and social circle if they talked to her I would cut them off. Through the years I have cut of tons of people that listened to my “sisters” sob story how she was a victim blah blah blah. I have children of my own so I won’t have them subjected to person like her. Fast forward years later I find out my mom had been lieing to me for months going behind my back talking to “sister”. I told my mom I was done with her and she will not be in contact with me or my children for there safety and my mental health because in my mind anyone who can support someone who does such cruel things to a child does not need to be in my family’s life. So am I the asshole
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This is tough bc on the one hand, of course it’s impossible to imagine “supporting” anyone who would abuse a child. But as a mother myself, I have to admit I don’t think there’s anything either of my kids could do, no matter how horrific, that would make me never speak to them again. In a situation like the one you described, my focus would be on getting my grandchildren help, but I’d probably need to try to get my child – their abusive parent – some help too, even as I was overwhelmed with anger at them. A mother is a mother forever.
EDIT: also I disagree with cutting your mom off from your kids, unless she ever exhibited any abusive behavior around them. She’s their grandma, part of their history, and if there’s been a loving relationship til now, the kids deserve to have her in their lives while she’s still around.
YTA. You’re using your children to control others relationships. Yes, you can demand she is not discussed or ever around your children. That you won’t attend any event she is at. You can remove her completely from your life. But demanding everyone else follow suite or never see you or your kids again is out of line. Making your mom choose is cruel.
You’ve faced a tough decision. Im sorry it’s come to that, but you are right to put your children above the idiocy of your family members.
Edit: As another Redditor say, your mom never stops being a mom. Shes making some decisions that are probably difficult for her too.
I wouldn’t cut off your whole family for just your mother talking to her. I would cut them off if they ever put me in a position to be in the same room with her or worse have my children around her
Who made you queen of whom could talk to whom? You can decide not to have a relationship with your sister, BUT to DEMAND no one else talk to her, is not your position. To cut your mom off from your kids is cruel to them and to her bc it violates YOUR priorities. What your sister did is bad but it doesn’t give you the right to dictate who can and can’t talk to her.
NTA, you are right to cut them off. Who knows when mom would introduce your kids to their aunt?? You can’t trust her
This is a tough one because you are justified in protecting your kids.
Has your mom ever excused your sisters abuse in any way? Do you think she would give your sister access to your kids?
I’m asking because you are asking your mom to cut off her child. Yes, her child did monstrous things, abuse of a child is horrible. That’s still her kid though.
Is there a way where you would feel safe allowing her to see your kids, even supervised?
It’s up to you on how you want to proceed, if you need to just remove any chance then I will say NTA.
If you are doing this to punish, then I would ask that you reflect on it.
Protecting your kids will never make you an AH.
I have a similar situation in my family so I empathize. I won’t attend any events where one of my siblings is invited.
But that’s my personal boundary. I can’t set boundaries for other people. You’re completely right to be fully NC with your sister, but you can’t make anyone else make the same decision for themselves.
This is another boundary you’re free to draw for yourself, but you’re going to have to deal with the fact that your family can decide they don’t appreciate the ultimatum and cut you off instead of her.
You, as parent, want your children safe. If that means distancing yourself from those who could pose a risk – abusive sister for example.. she could visit your mother… then you do what you feel you need to to ensure he kids are safe.
I do wonder though… given how difficult it is sometimes to remove children from unsafe homes… what kind of smoke and mirrors is she using to paint herself a victim… of what? Consequences?
NTA
NTA – people who support abusers are complicit in allowing abuse to occur.
NTA. Your mom has been lying about having g contact with your sister. You cannot trust your mom not to allow your sister to meet her niblings because your mom & sister think they should get to know their Auntie.
You have every right to dictate who you allow into your life and the lives of your children. Choosing to cut your mother off, however, for who she speaks to you, and further using your children as a pawn in that manipulation as a way to hurt your mother for her choice, is definitely making you the AH in this situation.
It’s your choice and I would probably make a similar choice. However, it is a lot to ask to not accept a mother talking to their child.
Your Children, Your Spouse, and You, are : YOUR FAMILY that you MUST Team-Work-With Love Respect Build DEFEND
You are ALLOWED to publicly expose shame the child-abuser behaviour online and then totally permanently BLOCK them and their supporters on EVERYTHING, yet you might needing excellent Attorney to helping defending you,
Your kids and you are:
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My own “parents””siblings””religion God faith prayers spirituality jail therapists doctors gyno psych-ward-meds nursing-homes police jail, politicians”, are so unfair illogical unkind unhealthy useless dangerous cruel TOXIC; that my only hope to live is to live WITHOUT them
So I DO Understand
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In my eyes you set a boundary and gave them a choice they choose a child abuser over you and your children. I wouldn’t want to talk to someone who is known to hurt kids. Nope big no from me.
NTA.
Sounds like a wise choice.
We don’t have enough information about what specifically she did to make that determination.
Adults have the power to choose where in many cases children do not… putting your children’s safety first is ALWAYS the right call.. no matter how hard the situation. As a child of abuse, when I had my first daughter I told my husband that if she ever accused him of hurting her I would take HER side and let him sort the truth out if in fact he was innocent. He 100% agreed with this.. as he said .. it was MY job to protect her first.
No. 1 parental responsibility – protect your kids.
You are awesome and I would have done the same.
NTA