I (26F) honestly feel like I’m at my breaking point and need some outside perspective because I’m either going crazy or just finally waking up.
Growing up, my brother (24M) was always the golden child. He got to do everything I wasn’t allowed to. He had freedom, friends, he could go out, date, live like a normal teenager. Meanwhile, I wasn’t allowed any of that. If I even questioned it, I’d get the “He’s a boy, it’s different” response. That excuse was drilled into me for years, and I’m still resentful of how much I missed out on just because of that double standard. For context, we are Balkan Muslims and this is pretty common for us women to not get treated the same as our male relatives.
Now I’m married with a child of my own. I live an hour away from my parents, and while I don’t mind helping them here and there, I’ve got a household, a job, and a toddler to take care of. Lately, they’ve been needing more help with bills, paperwork, appointments, organizing their estate and guess who’s been handling all of that? Me. Not the son who lives with them rentfree with his GF and has all the free time in the world. Its become to much and I told my parents I can’t keep doing everything, and they need to start asking their son to step up. They weren’t happy, but for about a week, things were quiet. I wasn’t getting flooded with texts and calls. I thought they were finally listening and my brother finally grew up.
This past weekend I went to visit and immediately saw a giant pile of paperwork, unopened mail, and bills scattered on the table. I asked what was going on and why it was all untouched. They told me they’d asked my brother to take care of it and he kept saying he’d “get to it.” I asked where he was, and surprise! He was out with his friends. My parents asked me to do it and I said no and we were going to wait until he came home and he was going to do it. No more excuses. An hour later, he walks in, doesn’t even greet me, just says, “Have you done Mom and Dad’s paperwork yet?” I looked at him and said no, this is your job now. You live here, you handle it.
He starts whining that I’m better at organizing, I know what gets paid when, I can translate things better, I know where everything goes. I told him I don’t care. I have my own life and family to take care of, and it’s not my responsibility to keep doing everything just because no one ever taught him how to be an adult. He got mad and things escalated. He started yelling, insulting me, and at one point picked up a binder full of documents and threw them at me and it hit my head. I just stared at him and waited for my parents to say something, to defend me, to check him for that behavior and for THROWING A BINDER AT ME!
Instead, they looked at me and said it’s my fault and I started it and I should’ve just “shut up” and done the paperwork like always. I snapped. I started yelling at them all, saying everything I’ve bottled up for years. I told them that they raised a spoiled, lazy man-child who can’t do a basic task and will throw them into a nursing home the first change he gets. I told them I was done being the one who carries all the weight while he gets to live carefree. I grabbed my things and told them I couldn’t stand this family anymore and I hated them all.
As I was walking out, they said if I left and refused to help, they would have nothing to do with me. I said fine. I left and haven’t spoken to them since. Now they’re blowing up my phone. First asking for help. My brother saying he doesn’t know where the check books are, how to write a check, who’s my mom and dad’s doctor, insurance, etc. When they saw I wasn’t responding the text they got nasty. They began calling me selfish, heartless, and cruel. My dad left a voicemail wishing that i would get cancer in my stomach (he said this in our native language and this is the best way I could translate it to make it make sense). That broke my heart. They’ve said some horrible things to me but that was way too far. They even dragged my aunt into it, who’s now telling me I should be ashamed of myself for how I spoke to my parents and for refusing to help them and that God will punish me.
At this point I’ve gone completely no contact, but I can’t lie I feel guilty even though I know I was pushed beyond my limit.
AITA??
Comments
NTA
I’m so sorry they treated you like this. You have hit a breaking point and honestly it makes sense.
The Muslim guilt is there, but honestly, no part of it religion makes us doormats for family
They enabled a man child and here we are.
NTA. Tell them they said they’d have nothing to do with you and you’re holding them to it. Oh and tell your aunt God has already punished you with your parents and brother.
Definitely not the AH. Reminds me of a friend who did everything for her Mum, even cancer caring for her final stage of life, paying bills etc while having a family of her own. Guess who was the Golden Child, did nothing, lived rent free in the house and got everything done for them, including all assets in the will – yep, the brother. Let them FAFO
NTA
I was bought up similarly, but thankfully, my brother and I now share the burdens of helping them (Southern Italian Migrant Family). And it similarly hurt and felt unfair. I get it.
What your brother did was assault you to get his way. Your family blamed you for that assault. And all you did was express your feelings and how much they hurt you, and assert your boundaries. When you refused to bend and they couldn’t meet their needs, they switched into abuse and got other family members to put pressure on you to do what they want.
This is what coercive control and family violence looks like. It is designed to make you feel guilt and shame so you step into line and do what they command.
You deserve better, and I hope that your partner is supportive and backs you up in this. Good on you for modelling for courage, boundaries, and self-care for your child.
It sounds like you are about to have a happier life with a lot more free time. I think with some time away from them you will realize you are better off, and that you were in an abusive relationship with your family. You deserve better than that, and abusive people do not deserve your help. NTA.
[deleted]
NTA. The funny thing about “takers” is that they will never stop taking. No matter how much you give, it’ll never be enough. You can give until your hands are raw and bloody, and they’ll still ask for more. But if ever you put up a boundary, they will fight it tooth-and-nail, because they don’t want to lose you. Not because they care about you, but because there is more to take from you.
You have two choices in my mind: 1) cut them off, 2) put down firm boundaries. You’re their daughter, not their caretaker. If they want to talk about the weather, their grand-kids, work, fine, but if they need help with anything they can have their beloved golden child help them.
NTA
You didn’t cut them off over paperwork. You cut them off because they treated you badly for decades.
They are 3 adults. They can figure it out. Your parents obviously managed to adult before you came along to do it for them. They are capable of doing it. They just don’t want to.
I’m guessing they are going to dump it all on your brother’s girlfriend. After all, she has a vagina. Whatever they end up doing. None of it is your problem.
NTA.
Tell them: “if this goes on you will lose your home.
Get help. I am not available anymore.”
Then step back/ block.
Mail left unopened can backfire badly.
NTA. Stay cut off for your own preservation.
NTA. Stop worrying about what they think or what’s happening to them because they clearly don’t care about what happens to you. Enjoy your life free from those monsters. Once you start to experience what life could have been like for you all along, you’ll realize exactly what they’ve taken from you all these years and the guilt will fade.
If they think you’re a bad person for forcing them to do something for a very short amount of time that they’ve been forcing you to do for years, what does that make them?
Hahaha tell your aunt your parents should be worried about God punishing them. He’s currently sent the son they raised to be their first line of defense in all things. Also block and mute their numbers.
Sometimes God plays the long con.
He assaulted you and they said you deserved it. Block them – they don’t deserve your help.
NTA…stay no contact and go no contact with anyone who sides with them
They can tell him what insurance company they use, their doctors’ names & filling out a check is self-explanatory. I could write a check at like 8. You’re right, he is lazy & he is just taking advantage of your parents. You have your own family to care for now & he needs to step up to help. Good luck!!
NTA. Block all of them. They can figure it out. They are verbally and emotionally abusive. Your brother is also physically abusive. No one should put up with that much abuse.
Put the guilt behind you. You must put your husband/child first. Your life must be first.
Your aunt is trying to manipulate you. Don’t fall for it. Block her as well.
u/bot/sleuth-bot
They are willing to abuse you so your brother doesn’t have to learn basic tasks. Think about that! Yeah i think your life will be better without them. If they want a relationship with you it’s on them to make amends. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing.
NTA, they realized how much they depended on you and now they are regretting letting you walk out. It is not your fault and your parents are the ones that cut you out. They need to figure everything out with their spoiled son. Block their numbers for a year and block your aunt after you tell her that she is welcome to help them. Don’t let any of your children be spoiled like your brother. You need to live your life and be there for your family. You can reevaluate the situation after a year of peace.
NTA….stay strong and just block them all.
NTA. Your parents got a baby male who they were supposed to turn into a responsible adult, and they apparently failed miserably. At this point, the only way you can really help your brother is by doing nothing and hopefully force him to actually do something for himself.
As for the aunt, if God is supposed to punish you for not helping, why is God not punishing your brother for being a good-for-nothing?
NTA good for you for standing up for yourself. I’m sorry your family is like that.
But at least you’ve created your own family now and done so well for yourself!
Tell your aunt God already punished you enough by cursing you with that family, but you’re done suffering for it. Brother can take on this load, she can step up and do it for them if they’re so wildly incompetent, but anyone who watches you be verbally harangued then physically attacked and does nothing to stop it, and then wishes a terminal illness on you has eliminated the possibility that you will lift a finger to help them. They are worthless, abhorrent people, and you have lost nothing by removing them from your life.
The good thing is that your young child will not grow up watching his mother be abused by the people who, by definition, should treasure her. Don’t waver, don’t cave, and live your life unencumbered by these terrible people. My best to you.
Aunt: They promised to have nothing to do with me again.
If I died tonight, you all would sort this out. Pretend that’s happening and sort it out.
updateme
NTA hugs to you. I know this is hard for you, but stay strong. You have no idea how much better your life will get as you did-entangle yourself from them. Hopefully at some point you can have a relationship with your parents, but maybe not. Grow yourself. Blossom.
They raised you to take care of them.
They raised him to be taken cared of.
You were a convenient tool for them. Someone to take care of everything while they spoiled their son.
Now they get to reap what they sowed.
I am so sorry. It sucks.
But I would mute their calls. No need to stress yourself out.
And remember the peace you feel not serving them.
And don’t crawl back. They need to apologize and actually change before you have anything to do with them.
Anything that affects your mental health and especially guilt trips from family and their nasty texts messages, STAY CLEAR OF THEM! Keep your own peace of mind and sanity by avoiding all contact with people who ‘wish you get stomach cancer’. Things do get said in the heat of the moment but religion is a personal choice not to be inflicted on people who don’t bend to their manipulation tactics. For your own WELLBEING don’t respond to guilt trips or texts. Keep your mental space clear. The chaos comes from them wanting you to bend to their view of things. You are your own person and psychological, verbal, physical abuse is ABUSE! Stay true to yourself.
NTA you know you can block them right
Absolutely not. Instead of getting down to business, they’re wasting time trying to screw around with your head. Your bro is the son, he’s supposed to take care of the parents. Let him step up and be a man instead of a big baby.
Relax and enjoy the feeling of not being used.
NTA, your brother will figure it out or they will get someone else to help. My family is the same way. My brother never got in trouble, I was always responsible for everything while he gets newer expensive things. That’s how it was growing up. I left and went no contact. Guess what, he figured it out. They will survive and if they have nothing nice or encouraging to say, then they do not contribute positively to your life. I’ve been called selfish and disrespectful. I told my mom, I want a relationship with her and I am not her assistant. My brother lives with her and is now taking care of all paperwork and bills.
They will figure it out with or without you. It’s for your brother’s own sake that he grows up, otherwise he won’t survive without your parents. Stay your ground or you will be taking care of a grown man when your parents are no longer around.
Update please.
Nta
they said if I left and refused to help, they would have nothing to do with me
“Don’t threaten me with a good time.” or “But you promised to have nothing more to do with me.”
Since your aunt is so concerned she can go and do the paper work for them.
Don’t go there again. Your brother may hurt you worse next time.
NTA
u/bot-sleuth-bot
You are being treated like a servant. Stay strong. Go NC if necessary. Explore other religions. Find one (or none) that treats women as equals. Raise your children to be different. You have nothing to gain emotionally to stay in that family. You have your own.
NTA.
Not a Muslim, but I’m pretty sure not raising your kid and spoiling them into incompetence is a stupid idea in every culture.
They’re reaping what they’ve sown: a useless and entitled son and a respectable and responsible daughter who doesn’t want anything to do with them.
NTA. They will never change. Ever. Leave them completely and live your best life. No guilt for people like that.
Mute them and move on with your life. Your parents are grown ass adults. They need to put on their big kid pants and figure shit out. Same goes for your mooch of a brother
Repeat after me “not my circus, not my monkeys”
As for your aunt? I agree with an earlier comment, tell her “I’m already being punished by having them as my family. And if you’re so concerned about them, YOU do all their paperwork”
That should shut her up
No, you’re not, according to my Christian beliefs, but, according to your beliefs, you may be. I think you were completely fair. You’ve done their finances for years, but, like you said, you have your own stuff to do now, so you gave them plenty of notice to get the golden child started on it. My family is the same way in my mother wanting me to be the one to do her paperwork. Our issue didn’t blow up as big as yours did, thank goodness, but it was painful enough as it was. I didn’t like refusing to do it to MAKE my brother do it, but I know I’d have to or he’d never do it. It was toughest when I had a teenager at home and my brother moved Mama about 50 miles away, closer to him, so he and his wife could help see to her. But did that happen? No, it did not! I had to drive the 50 miles to get her and bring her back here to see her doctor b/c she didn’t want to change doctors. So I’d take a day off work, get her, bring her back here to be seen, take her to lunch, then take her back home. What did brother do? Nothing! His wife? Nothing!
NTA I don’t think you are wrong because even after noticing your absence they are still not grateful. It’s not due to being Muslim (even if they say it is be abuse Islam gave women rights and equality before God so actually they are the ones sinning by treating your brother differently and allowing him to hit you). It’s cultural and selfish. He lives there for free he needs to do it and you backing off is actually best for everyone because he NEEDS TO LEARN and they need to learn to be grateful or else they’ll be stuck with the useless boy they favored. Do not crumble. Block whomever you need to block for however long is needed. He needs consequences and so do your parents. You are not their slave or servant. You can always unblock if you want to speak but you have your own family and responsibilities and home and child. I know it sucks but I had to cut off my dad for 2 years and things were much better after that because he realized I will disappear if he doesn’t act right or puts too much pressure on me.
NTA
They won’t have anything to do with you if walk out, and then call you to take of their bills? That’s some crazy stupid behavior. It’s like they all of a sudden realize they’ve hosed themselves.
Keep up your boundaries. Stay strong. Don’t put up with their abuse.
NTA
Don’t feel guilty, there are 3 adults in that home, and they all need to figure it out.
Tell aunt if she is so concerned, she can teach your brother, what your parents didn’t teach him.
Block them all.
Fuck them.
NTA.
NTA. You feel guilty because they raised you to feel guilty for not helping them.
It is his time to shine like the golden child he is. You’ll be just fine.
Block them all and carry on with your life. They deserve the karma of the loser of the son that they enabled into being completely useless who is going to fuck up their lives completely, and no OP, it is not your responsibility to save them anymore. Especially since they don’t appreciate it. Live your life without them and be happy my dear. ❤️
NTA
NTA, you ate totally in the right on this situation, don’t let them or anyone else manipulate you
Block them all for your own sanity. There are four adults in that house. Call adult protective services (if in us) and they can deal with them if need be.
NTA. They don’t miss their daughter or their sister. They miss their employee. Good for you for quitting a thankless job. Stay strong.
NTA and how is it your parents don’t know how to do these tasks? Who taught you?
And do they not even know who their doctors are? If so, well this problem may be short-lived
NTA
Since they dont respect you because you are a woman, you should have your husband tell them to back off, and he should “handle” your brother for throwing something at you hitting you. They will probably respect him where as you they dont.
don’t feel guilty, if he can’t google how to write a check then there’s no helping him. oh your better at it? well you have had practice so he can learn and practice.
.just make sure you teach your child how to do things no matter the gender. break this generational abuse. why did he get to do anything and never help out while you stayed at home and helped out.
hes a boy it’s different. having a penis doesn’t make you unable to help out.
god will not punish you. you have given and given and given. I don’t see your aunt jumping in to help. your parents have raised a useless man baby.
also throwing something at you is assault.
get some therapy to work on all this so you raise your kid to be an independent and not gender crushed. it can be hard to break the cycle of abuse when it’s all you have known. make sure your kid knows how to cook, clean, basic mending skills, how to be financially responsible etc
keep no contact, it’s disgusting they ar abusing you and getting the rest of the family to join in. THE REST OF THE FAMILY CAN HELP OUT FOR ONCE
On a side note, OP – what does your husband think about the situation?