I (25F) have always had a complicated relationship with my mom (43F). Growing up, she was emotionally distant and we never really formed that special bond that a lot of mothers have with their daughter. Personally, I think it had something to do with her having me straight out of high school and my dad (who’s absent) leaving her to raise me on her own. Since I didn’t much of an emotional relationship with her, my aunt (47F) pretty much stepped up and took on a bigger role in my life. She’d let me stay over her house, attended school ceremonies that my mom failed to show up to, sometimes took me on small trips with her husband and kids, etc. She was my shoulder to lean on throughout my childhood and still is. As I got older, I still maintained a pretty decent relationship with my mom.
Fast forward to the current situation. A few months ago, it was revealed that my mom had been having an affair. And that’s not even the worst part. Her affair partner was my aunt’s husband. Apparently my aunt found them kissing in the backyard at a family gathering (I wasn’t there) and they got embarrassed and confessed. My aunt was absolutely devastated and I later found out that she cried so much that day to the point where she vomited in the bathroom. Knowing that my mom betrayed her like that made me sick to my stomach.
When I confronted my mom about why she would even do something like that, she just kept saying that she was unhappy and that my aunt’s husband made her feel a type of love and happiness she hasn’t felt in a long time. She claims she never meant to hurt my aunt but I think that’s bs. To me, she seems to be more concerned about getting caught rather than how this affects the people involved. I told her straight up that I needed space to process everything and I wasn’t sure if I could ever forgive her for what she did.
Since then, I’ve cut contact with her. The last I heard, she and my aunt’s husband moved in together soon after my aunt filed for divorce. It’s been about 4 months and honestly, I’d be lying if I said I missed my mom. I just don’t feel like I can have a relationship with someone who would betray her own sister like that. Today, I found out from some relatives that my mom has been wanting to talk to me and wants to repair our relationship. I’ve gotten texts from them saying while they don’t condone what my mom did, it’s not our place to judge her. Even some of my friends who I’ve vented to have said that it’s a bit of an overreaction to cut her off since the situation had nothing to do with me and that she’s still my mom.
Listening to their perspectives, I’ve started wondering if I’m being too harsh. I know people make mistakes but this feels like something I can’t overlook. AITA for cutting my mom off?
Comments
NTA. Betrayal doesn’t stop being betrayal just because it’s family. You have every right to demand respect and loyalty from your loved ones.
NTA focus on your aunt im sure she needs a shoulder to cry on. Screw your mom and uncle for doing that to her.
NTA – cheating doesn’t just affect the couple involved, it absolutely ricochets throughout a family. My dad had multiple online affairs while married to my mom and I still can’t forgive him for that even though he’s dead.
If I were in your shoes, I would focus more on working through my feelings about it and checking in on your aunt instead of worrying about your mom.
Also, you are allowed to miss your mom and still be angry with her and not ready to move on from it. Either way you’re allowed to feel however it is you feel about her.
NTA the truth is your relationship with your mom was dangling by a thread before you found out about the affair. OP I hope your aunt is still letting you be a part of her life & that you can be there for her.
NTA
nta. your mom has serious issues that require intense prolonged therapy. if she wants to have contact/repair the relationship & is sincere abt it then that should be a requirement. i wouldn’t fuq w her without a family therapist present.
It is 110% your place to judge her. I don’t think you’re being too harsh. You’re being protective of the woman who stepped up and became your mom when your mom refused to grow up.
After all your aunt did to support you so your mother wouldn’t have to grow up, your degenerate mother, thanked her by fucking her husband. How fucking gross is that? It’s definitely OK to pick a side, especially if it’s not your mom side. Cheating is one of those things that touches every member of a family. Your mom is reaping what she sowed. I would also think of going very low contact with anyone supporting this behavior at all because I’m not 100% sure you share values with people like that. People like your mother, of low emotional maturity, borderline abusive, and neglectful thrive in the darkness and shadows when people do not call them out. That’s why she thinks this is OK. That’s why she thinks she is entitled to your love. She isn’t. Focus on your aunt. Figure out how to support her and how to raise her up. You’re gonna lose your mom but your aunt has lost two of the closest people in her life, that she thought she could trust. I can’t imagine how horrible she feels right now.
NTA
NTA. Your aunt has been more of a real mother to you than your mom. Support your mother and screw your mom. She seems extremely selfish and doesn’t seem to truly care about others’ feelings.
NTA- your mom sounds like an awful human being
NTA. This is an excellent reason to cut someone off.
This is the time to be there for your aunt as she was there for you in childhood.
You should consider your aunt feelings if you decided to reconcile with your mom now. She deserves your company and attention more and by reconciling now, it could also be seen as act of betrayal on your side. 4 months is too short for someone to change their character. Someone who can betray their own sister is seriously despicable.
NTA- Focus on the woman who raised and mothered you(your aunt)
I hope your Aunt is doing ok. I’d focus on your own well-being and hers and give your mom some space for you to sort out how you feel. This is still pretty new …. 🙏🏼
Tell them it might not be your place to judge her, but you’re not going to allow someone in your life that would betray a loved one like that. If she did something like this to her sister, that means no one is off limits for her betrayals. You want people you can trust in your life and unfortunately you’ll never be able to trust your mom again NTA
Nta
Seems reasonable to me. She showed how horrifically self centered she is. If she has shown your whole life that she doesn’t particularly care about the people in her life, why would you maintain a relationship with her.
Choices have consequences. Your mom’s selfish choices hurt people, you included. Ignore those people who say it shouldn’t bother you, because the reality is that it absolutely did. Be there for your aunt, who was good to you, and who is the main victim of their shenanigans. Give yourself space from your mom because what can you give her anyway? Respect? Support? The cheaters put themselves first, you are absolutely entitled to put yourself first too.
She’s a grown adult and no longer a teenager giving birth to her first child. She’s had years to try to bond with you and wants to bond now that she thinks you took your aunts side over hers?
She did a terrible thing and doesn’t deserve your support or forgiveness especially if you don’t want to give it. NTA
NTA. Your response is this “she has proven that family means nothing to her. I am therefore treating her accordingly”
NTA. Your mother harmed someone you love. Shunning seems appropriate.
>it’s not our place to judge her
When someone makes the choice to intentionally hurt the people closest to them like this, it is absolutely your place to judge them for it.
NTA, make the choice that YOU feel is right. It’s your life and your choice who you keep in it. Be there to support your aunt in her time of need.
NTA. It is exactly your place to judge her. Your friends are delulu and you know they’d be judging their parents.
I’m a firm believer that you are who you associate with. I’ve cut off people from my life for cheating. One was a friend of 25 years. I don’t care if they are friends or family. NTA
You are not wrong to walk away from a cheater, regardless of the relationship. Your mom excuse that he made her feel loved, little bit of gaslighting. However you dont screw a relative and destroy a marriage.
update me
It’s exactly your place to judge her
Their opinions don’t matter. You feel how you feel. Don’t let them invalidate your experience with your mom. You seem to have a great moral compass and beautiful relationship with your aunt, so it makes sense that you would be loyal to her. You don’t miss her for a reason, don’t let her get to your head. Think about the discomfort you would feel visiting her and your uncle. Shame on them both. You have every right to not want to be around people capable of such a deep form of betrayal. They showed who they are and you responded appropriately.
NTA. She never acted like your mom when you needed her then she goes and stabs the person who took over that role in your life.
Updateme
It IS your place to judge actions as heinous as your mom’s. It was her sister’s husband! If she’ll betray her sister this way she’ll betray anyone. And her justification for her actions? It was appalling and hideously selfish. How could you ever trust this woman again? Ignore your relatives. They’re wrong.
I hate the phrase it’s not our place to judge.
It is actually our place to tell people their behaviour is it repulsive and that that’s why you don’t want a relationship with them.
Absolutely NTA
Not only did she betray your aunt, dhe apparently has no remorse for it, and expect you to rugsweep it??
Nope.
Support your aunt as much as possible, and leave the egg-donor behind you.