I (25F) cut off my entire family, and people constantly tell me I’m wrong for it. But here’s why I did it.
When I was 15, I spoke out about being sexually abused by my mother’s boyfriend. Instead of protecting me, she stayed with him and later married him (While I was in a mental facility for trying to take my own life). After I told the truth, everything blew up. I ended up in foster care. No one stepped in. Not my mom. Not my siblings (who are much older than me). No one. I’ve been no contact with my mom ever since.
Over the years, people in my family have said I should fix things with her. That I’m being bitter. That I’m holding onto hearsay. But it wasn’t hearsay. It happened to me. I was the one who lived through it. And since then, I’ve also been homeless, sexually assaulted again as an adult, and pushed through life without real family support.
I’m the youngest. My mom had me at 40, and I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong. I’ve been treated like the black sheep, like something is wrong with me for speaking up. All while my siblings expect me to be quiet and polite and act like nothing ever happened.
Now my mother has MS. I found out and tried to reach out. But she still refuses to speak to me. We live in different states now and honestly, even if she were on her deathbed, I don’t think I could sit beside her. That may sound cold, but I feel like I already mourned that relationship a long time ago.
So I blocked everyone. I chose peace.
AITA for refusing to go back to people who chose to ignore my pain?
Edit 1: Thank you guys so much. I’m over here bawling my eyes out. Truly thank you guys so much for all the love and support. I’m still learning to mother my inner child and guide myself with love and not guilt. I’ve lived with this pain for so many years and I’m just really ready to let it all go. My pain has helped but also held me back from being my true happy self. Life has pulled me all directions.
I’m still healing, I’m still trying, I’m still growing.
We did go to court and I refused to testify because I was so broken and when I walked in, I saw my mom sitting next to him in the courtroom and it broke me the worst way and I still blame myself everyday for not testifying my truth. I’m still living with that. Thank you guys so much again for all the kind words because I didn’t realize… I just got out of a shelter completely and I’m still working through life and starting over.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Maleficent-Catch8796:
I (25F) cut off my entire family, and people constantly tell me I’m wrong for it. But here’s why I did it.
When I was 15, I spoke out about being sexually abused by my mother’s boyfriend. Instead of protecting me, she stayed with him and later married him (While I was in a mental facility for trying to take my own life). After I told the truth, everything blew up. I ended up in foster care. No one stepped in. Not my mom. Not my siblings (who are much older than me). No one. I’ve been no contact with my mom ever since.
Over the years, people in my family have said I should fix things with her. That I’m being bitter. That I’m holding onto hearsay. But it wasn’t hearsay. It happened to me. I was the one who lived through it. And since then, I’ve also been homeless, sexually assaulted again as an adult, and pushed through life without real family support.
I’m the youngest. My mom had me at 40, and I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong. I’ve been treated like the black sheep, like something is wrong with me for speaking up. All while my siblings expect me to be quiet and polite and act like nothing ever happened.
Now my mother has MS. I found out and tried to reach out. But she still refuses to speak to me. We live in different states now and honestly, even if she were on her deathbed, I don’t think I could sit beside her. That may sound cold, but I feel like I already mourned that relationship a long time ago.
So I blocked everyone. I chose peace.
AITA for refusing to go back to people who chose to ignore my pain?
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YNTA… She made her horrible choice many years ago.
A mother that ignores her daughter being assault, and then marries that guy that abused her, is not a mother!!
NTA
Staying NC is the best idea. And TBH, anyone trying to convince you otherwise should be cut off as well.
NTA, what she did is irredeemable, she was supposed to protect you x
Nta protect your peace and security
NTA–obligation in a parent-child relationship only goes one way, and she failed you spectacularly. You don’t owe her anything at all
OP, you didn’t choose pain, your family did when they turned their backs on you. You’ve survived so much, and setting boundaries isn’t cruelty, it’s protection. You owe them nothing. Choosing peace is strength.
Hi there guys I just wanted to post a thank you to everyone’s replies I didn’t expect it to get replies so fast lol.
I want to thank y’all for validating how I feel and the support. It’s truly been a journey and what made me even post this was the conversation I had with my grandfather (my dad’s father) yesterday. It’s been stuck in my mind constantly. He told me I was wrong for not speaking to my mother and that I need to fix that because the Bible says to “honor thy father and mother” and it hurt my feelings so bad because both failed me and reminded me why I don’t speak to them much. My grandfather is 88 so I know that is due to generational beliefs but I don’t feel like I should accept that.
NTA. You said your mom still refuses to speak to you which means nothing has changed and she is still choosing to ignore your pain for her own benefit which is cruel and says a lot about her.
You owe your mother nothing. She did however owed it to her child to protect them. Stay far away from her and anyone else who thinks you should makeup with this monster.
NTA. Your mom made her choice and it wasn’t you and she has to live with that decision for the rest of her life. Stay NC with anyone who chose not to believe you or help you, you are choosing your own peace and there is no shame in that.
Nta updateme. Keeping nc with a mom who clearly cares more for a man who sexually assaulted her daughter is best if you ask me she doesn’t deserve to be a parent.
To those that are in your ears, you should say. “Try being SA’d by your parent’s partner and have your parent take your abusers side and see if you would want to keep contact “
NTA. You did reach out to her. She rejected the olive branch. Live your life without these selfish deadbeats.
Look it’s sad what she’s going through it it’s worse what she did. She abandoned her child and chose a life with a man who SAd you. The consequence is NC. She hasn’t changed else she would have called you to apologize. In fact she did the opposite. You tried again and she turned you down. Listen to people when they tell you who they are.
NTA. Always cut toxic people out of your live, even if they are family.
Your story sounds so much like mine it’s eerie. Protect your mental well being and your peace at all costs. I guarantee having MS has not made her a better person.
I cut off my whole family 13 years ago and have never regretted it. Any time I thought for even a second of talking to any of them, I reminded myself immediately of all the mental, emotional, physical abuse and knew walking away is the right thing
No! Absolutely not! I’m no contact with my mom too because she kept bringing me to my abusers house every month throughout my childhood even after he molested me because he was married to her mom. He was touching my mom too and she chose not to tell her mom because „she wanted him to marry her mother so her mother could get Canadian citizenship as well” which I think is a disgusting reason to allow your mother to marry a creep and a pedophile. Later on, when my stepdad entered the picture, he stopped touching us, but I would still get sick every time we went to visit and my parents would joke around that I was allergic to my grandmother, with me, in the car. Like how tf could someone be allergic to their bio moms bio mom?! It was awful.
I have no shame and no regret cutting my mother off. When I opened up to her at 14 about what happened, she told me it was so long ago and I should „get over it already.” Like my childhood wasn’t even over and yet I was supposedly already too old to process my childhood trauma?! So I went no contact with her and finally processed my childhood trauma in my thirties after years of drug abuse and self sabotage and finally healed and now I have a year clean and am close to regaining custody of my children. I wish I went no contact sooner! That’s my only mistake, imo. Children deserve to be loved and protected and parents who fail to do so, and so horribly like they did in yours and my case, don’t deserve to know their children. They don’t deserve to call themselves mom.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. My mom used to say „it happens to everyone” as if that was some consolation, but it’s always bothered me deeply to learn that other children have to go through the same traumas as me. It’s not fair and it’s not right and I wish every single woman who wanted an abortion was able to have a safe and no-cost abortion because there’s no greater tragedy than children who grow up feeling unwanted and unloved.
NTA
You have thousands of internet siblings at
r/EstrangedAdultKids. You’re not alone. We care.
You are still young enough to build a family of your own! You know, people who actually care about you and support you? There are plenty of us who have had to do just that! Stay NC and don’t look back!
She would’ve told everyone you’re a compulsive liar, mentally unstable, and abusive. I guarantee she would have sowed those seeds from a young age to fit her narrative. Unfortunately, your siblings will learn when they have children and realise that they’re uncomfortable around him and that you are most likely telling the truth, but for now and a long time in the future, they’re going to believe their mother. Cut them off, live fully, be happy, succeed in your own way, and don’t give them any thought or time.
Your mother and siblings made their choice and it wasn’t you. Your mental and emotional health and peace are paramount. You owe them nothing. God bless.
NTA. Your mother didn’t protect you from abuse and never took your part. Your siblings too. It’s shameful. You reached out to your mom. That’s more than she deserves. After what you’ve gone through, no contact makes sense.
She might be your mother by blood but she’s not your mum. She doesn’t deserve that title. Live your life in peace and stay NC with all of them. I wish you peace and happiness for the future. NTA
F this. F her. F her family. F apologizing. See where im going with this
NTA..as a survivor myself I just want to hug you and tell you you didn’t deserve any of it. I hope you heal and find the happiness you deserve away from those awful monsters that happen to be related to you
I’m so glad for you that you chose peace. You’ve been through so many struggles and it doesn’t sound like any of your family add anything positive to your life. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been choose to cut them all off, but good for you for doing it!!!!!
100% NTA.
Take care of yourself. She didn’t take care of you.
NTA. You owe your mother nothing. She let you down in every way a parent could. I wouldn’t blame you for hoping the end of her life is as miserable as she made yours.
How in the h-e-double hockey sticks is it “heresay” when you, the victim, have firsthand knowledge of the “crime?” Are these people really that stupid?
There is nothing to fix. So you tell them that
Mom made her choice – to stay with and marry a pedophile and child abuser. Now, she is living with the consequences of her choice, which is estrangement.
You should also tell mom’s flying monkeys that you hope his d!ck is worth the eternity in h÷ll that they are both going to get to endure!
NTA
Nta. My stepdaughter was In a very similar situation. she maintained contact w her mom. It’s lead to 15+yrs of drug abuse because she won’t deal w what happened to her. Her mom passed a couple yrs ago from addiction & it spiraled her deeper. She’s torn up inside, can’t even pull it together to be there for her kids. You did what you needed to do to survive- don’t ever feel guilty for that.
NTA and don’t forget to send her a funeral bouquet as long as she can still enjoy it.
NTA she picked a paedophile over her own child. Karma is paying her back cash.. MS is a really hard illness. Im glad you have mental health support
NTA. And as someone with MS, she’s not dying. This is being used to manipulate you, don’t fall for it.
I’m so sorry for how you’ve been treated, you need to be the parent to yourself that you didn’t get.
NTA, not by any stretch of imagination. If those people reach out to them again, tell them you tried to reach out to you and she rejected the attempt so there’s no point in trying again. She’s never going to apologize for what she allowed to happen to you, and you’re never going to magically get over that fact. She lost any right to a relationship the moment she chose him.
Family is not a right. Family is a privilege.
If someone wants to be treated like family, they need to act like family.
If they don’t, they are simply biologically related to you, nothing more nor less.
Keep protecting your peace. Keep listening to your gut. Sounds like you have a good gut feeling. Protect that too. You deserve to not only be alive but also feel alive, and sometimes that is only possible without certain people in that same life.
NTA.
NTA
Anyone whose first reaction is to tell you that you didn’t experience what you experienced deserves to be removed from your life. Family or not.
It’s terribly unfortunate that she’s ill. You didn’t cause it, and her condition doesn’t excuse her betrayal.
I hope you’re looking after yourself and your wellbeing.
NTA move on and built a life without this 💩 family
i wish you all the best and all the help you need
I would ask them “so let me get this straight, you think I should forgive the woman who married the man who was sexually abusing me? Who never visited me when I was hospitalized after attempting to kill myself? Do I have that correct? Please explain to me why you think I should forgive her for marrying a monster?”
I’d love to hear their response
NO NO NO, you don’t owe her anything. She abandoned you in the worst way. Tell the awful family members that your SA wasn’t hearsay it was fact, you survived it. And then your mother’s treatment of you caused even more pain on top of it. NTA at all. I do hope you go no contact with all those people trying to keep you down. You need to stand strong and look ahead to make a brighter future for yourself. Good luck. Hugs to you.
To those people –
“It isn’t hearsay. She married the man who raped me (seriously, be as graphic as possible – shock and shame them) and I ended up in foster care. Also, how is it on me to fix things when I did reach out and she refuses to speak to me. Respect her choice as well as mine. Give us both peace, please.
If you can’t handle the truth of what happened to me and the fact that I ended up in foster care and not under the care of “family” – that is on you to make peace with yourself and your maker. Me? I can look in the mirror with a clear conscience.”