So for some context: I’m a 30 f stay-at-home parent with a 9yr old child. I used to work as a paraprofessional with kids, so I guess people just assume I’m naturally good at childcare or always available for help. Recently, I agreed to watch a couple of kids (2.5 and 8) for a weekend to help out a mom friend (she’s my husbands friends wife, we aren’t exactly close friends) who’s been dealing with a lot. One of the kids has some emotional and behavioral stuff going on (understandably their dad hasn’t been around lately for work), and the other is a toddler with a lot of energy. I also had my own kid in the mix, so it was a lot to juggle.
I planned the whole weekend around them crafts, snacks, activities, pool time, meals and still ended up exhausted, overstimulated, and honestly kind of ignored and unappreciated. The older kid constantly demanded attention and wasn’t respectful of me, genuinely didn’t have anything positive to say the entire time he was at my house.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to text mom not too much because I know she’s trying to rest because she has a newborn, but I am texting her photos of the kids keeping her updated on what the two-year-olds doing you know the basic stuff that any good person who is watching your kids would do. and I most of my texts were just ignored. Which again is fine. I understand she has a newborn and was probably resting so that’s not even a big deal.
I ended up having to take the kids back about two hours earlier than I was planning to drop them off because the toddler ran out of diapers. Mind you I’m picking them up and dropping them off an hour away. We got them dropped off. You would think that it was over. I could take a deep breath and relax.
About 30 mins after I got home and laid down on the couch, the mom kept texting about how the kids were already acting out before they even got to me, and I felt bad for her.
Eight year old is also crying because he didn’t get to take home a toy that didn’t even belong to him . I’m just a little annoyed that I did all of that work and all that effort out of the kindness of my own heart I genuinely was just trying to let this woman rest and relax because I never get the opportunity to do that there’s nobody who I am going to and my kid over for the weekend Too. And I’m very aware That is a me problem not anyone else problem.
My husband tried to help but he works graveyard shifts and needed sleep during the day, so the brunt of it fell on me. And I was already stretched thin emotionally and physically.
After the weekend, I told my husband I just can’t keep doing this. It’s too much. I love helping people, but I need to prioritize my own family’s needs and mental health. I told him he can offer support in other ways if he wants, but I’m out when it comes to babysitting other people’s kids.
Now I’m getting mixed signals — like I’m being too harsh or not understanding enough. But I feel like I’ve given more than enough. So…
AITA for drawing a line and deciding I’m not babysitting anymore, even when someone really needs help?
Comments
I don’t understand, you helped and now somebody is angry at you because you don’t help again?
Tell THESE people if they are so concerned about the person who needs help that you will call the mother again and give them their names.
I gotta be honest, I’ve had enough of people assuming I’m just free labor because I was a para before. But hey, props to you for knowing your limits and prioritizing your family. NTA!
NTA. This is one of the biggest issues when you leave the workforce to be a SAHM, people assume adding more kids to your household is not a big deal.
When I was a SAHM I would swap childcare, but if I wanted to regularly watch other people’s children I would have applied for my childcare license and get paid for my services.
Other peoples family dynamics are none of your business. If a couple can’t manage the children they have, it’s not your responsibility to ease their burden.
NTA. If your husband is anything other than supportive and understanding, he is the AH? Where was he all weekend? Why didn’t he help you with his friends kid and his own damn kid?
You’re staying at home parent to benefit your kid. If you take other kids constantly then it’s no longer beneficial for your kid and also you don’t get paid… If you’re not beneficial for your kid you may as well get a job and be paid for your troubles. Good on you for recognising you’re not free labour. If the lady is overwhelmed maybe she shouldn’t have gone for baby no3
You have to draw a boundary or your resentment would only grow. Maybe you’ll feel like helping down the line someday? but if you’re at max capacity with your own baby/family, I would be emotionally supportive of her from a distance but not provide free labor, that she may take advantage of…
You are justified in giving up babysitting. Time to take care of you.
NTA, it’s ok to say no… you can’t pour from an empty cup.
NTA – you have every right to put your health and family first!
You can kindly say “I understand how overwhelmed you are. I would be glad to come over for a play date for the kids while you take a nap. Unfortunately, My home is not ready for the chaos of 2 added energetic children who are not accustomed to the rules of my home. I hope to hear from you soon and am so glad i could help out the weekend that I did.”
Maybe make her a reheat able oven dinner to bring over. One less meal she has to prepare.
Good Luck
NTA, but I also don’t understand what the problem is. Is someone already asking you to babysit again?
If so, tell them that it’s their turn to give you a break and you will be dropping your daughter off later that day to their home. That should get them to shut up.
NTA, if you watched them again it would be a case of you setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. Do not do this to your family. If you feel the need to work do it when your child is at school or online.
And find a job when you are done the work stays at the office.
honestly kind of ignored and unappreciated
Girl, half of that pressure is pressure you put on yourself. You ran yourself ragged trying to prove what exactly? Did you think 2 toddlers and an 8 yr old were going to appreciate anything?
After you dropped them off, none of that shit is your business. Temper tantrum? Wants a toy? Won’t eat chicken nuggets? Not. Your. Problem.
Why are you even putting this much energy into first of all trying to impress someone you barely know, secondly trying to impress some 8 yr old and thirdly, letting them live rent free in your head?
You and your child come first, especially since being around her 8 year old is not good for your child, and having to take care of both of them takes away the weekend time that your child deserves to have with you (since school starts up in a month). If your husband really wants to help, he can volunteer on his two days off, and you can find something to do away from the house.
Tell husband if he feels so adamant about volunteering to help his friend’s wife that HE can take some PTO days and watch all the kids. Just let him know you’ll be staying elsewhere during that time
nta, kid doesn’t have a behavioral problem he has a parent problem, also did your husband volunteer you to watch someones kids?
Entitled parents raise Entitled children. Who knew?
NTA. These people not having a plan and wanting a babysitter is a THEM PROBLEM, not a you problem. You tried to be nice, but that was too much.
NTA. You have to draw the line especially as your own kids (who are present) are a first priority.
You did this woman a favor, and it’s good enough. Reading into this more isn’t going to change how the weekend went, or how you feel from it. From picking up these kids to planning activities for an entire weekend. It’s not on you when these kids act up. You’re just not compatible as a paid or unpaid babysitter.
NTA
No more babysitting. Just stop.
You aren’t appreciated. Let them handle their own poorly parented children.
You needed help yourself for trying to help them. NTA prioritize your family. You tried you did help but it is over now.
You are never obligated to babysit someone else’s kids. If your husband wants to help by babysitting, he’ll have to do it himself. You should plan to be out of the house.
You agreed to watch the kids for “the weekend.” You did it. You helped, and you fulfilled your obligation.
I can’t believe that woman is telling you her son is crying because he didn’t get to keep the other child’s toy. That is bold. Im embarrassed for the mother who texted that. I’d be so thankful if someone took my older two when my third was brand new. Babies are exhausting. If the new mother is breastfeeding, she’s drained and should have been ecstatic to get a shower (once the new baby was a sleep) and possibly a nap. I don’t hear much about the babysitting mother being thanked. Not being appreciated after looking after an 8 year old who wasn’t respectful would absolutely turn me off of doing it again.
Kids aren’t always easy at the 7 to 10 age.
You are absolutely NOT an A h0le!
Sorry for my rambling… I have verbal diarrhea today. 😉
Sorry, maybe I’m missing something in the post.
You only described this as a one-off situation. You agreed to watch these kids for one weekend.
Is your husband acting all butthurt now because you’ve expressed you’re not going to do it again, for another hypothetical weekend which hasn’t even been discussed yet?
You did help. You gave her some time off and you don’t even know her. You have a big heart, but that doesn’t mean you do anything and everything for anyone. Your family comes first and that’s ok.
You probably assumed your 9 yo & her 8 yo would play together nicely and you could focus on the toddler and you’d all have a nice time together. This was way more challenging than anticipated and if it’s too much, then it’s too much.
Your husband left this on your shoulders why?
You always say yes to yourself first, your family a very close second (unless you have very small humans and then they are you, really), and then you can share what’s left. You have nothing left for her and that’s okay. Her chaotic disaster is not your deal. NTA
I’m confused who is giving you mixed signals? You did a good deed to help out this mom once, you’re not obligated to do it again. If it’s your husband making you feel bad, I have a cure for that. Let him babysit for free while you go out for coffee or a drink. He’ll change his tune right quick. When my kids were growing up the parents would trade up whose house the friend group would meet at so the supervision was spread around and gave us all some time to relax.
Why on earth would you be the chauffeur? That’s ridiculous and gross. Why was it easier for you to make two round trips with 3 kids that the other mom at minimum she should have done at least 1. Then to even mention you didn’t let her kid steal a toy are you kidding me? Then for your husband to expect anything is demoralizing and cruel. You have a husband problem. I’m
INFO: who is giving these mixed signals? Your husband, the family you helped, someone else?
NTA. But that’s a lot of driving. 1 hr to get kids + 1 hr to get home. Then you take them home! Nope on that alone. It just doesn’t work!
NTA- am I understanding correctly that she has an 8, 2 and newborn, with the 8 year old having behavioral issues? Maybe sign her up for some parenting support programs in her area.
I set up a play date for my son that turned into an over 6 hour stint of babysitting this kid (so bad I actually let them play video games which I never do on playdates). Took them for ice cream and he demanded a waffle cone (about $5 more than what my own kids got) gave him a choice of two smaller ones or nothing. The mom never thanked me for watching her kid; but posted a pic of the kid at the ice cream shop the next day with a caption “my boy always gets what he deserves.” Next time that mom suggested a play date we were busy, and when I finally caved for my son’s needs I invited 2 other kids and told parents that had to pick up at a specific time due to another family obligation or not come….the “obligation”, not having your kid at me house.
NTA your husband was wrong to volunteer you. He can babysit.
NTA. It’s hard work taking care of children! A friend who was going through a divorce asked me to watch her baby for the day. I had three other kids at home. It was a nightmare. The baby would scream if I tried to put her down! I spent 9 hours doing everything holding her. This was before people wore their babies!
NTA. These ungrateful people can find a sitter to help them out. You are right in setting down boundaries for you and your family.
NTA. If she can’t handle the kids she has, why did she have another one and expect you to watch them?
I’m sorry, I too like helping people, but when they complain after you do a them a kindness, that’s when I shut down and do no more for that person.
When I was still on active duty, I was stuck watching all sorts of kids because I was home on leave. “You’re just going to be home anyway…”
I love kids, I just retired last year after 20 years in education, but I was not put on this earth to be used.
Kids suck the life out of you, especially when they are not your own.
If you feel like you want to help a little bit, drive to her house, and take the two kids out to do something for a few hours. Go to a park or the library. In the summertime there are a lot of free programs for families. Museums have a free day. Check out your Library, many of them have the cards to get in for free at different attractions. You have to have a library card though, and you have to sign up in order to check it out of the library.
Heyyyyyyy NTA. I was in a similar boat, but I had a husband problem— he kept volunteering my services to people he worked with when they had childcare problems. I took care of a lot of kids and babies for free, in the end (because if they can’t afford what they initially offered, my husband was super cool with that, cause HE <I>would help for free!)
I did this pregnant/nursing/with toddlers/with older kids, etc etc.
If you put your foot down, you did the right thing. You cannot help someone with their oxygen mask if yours isn’t on first, okay?
Do not feel bad about it. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Is the backlash from husband??
Ps I’m also a para, it doesn’t make you less human and exhausted dealing with behavior all day.
NTA you cannot pour from an empty pot!
The more you give the more people will take from you. Human nature.
NTA. Where is the husband? Where’s their family? Why does it fall on you? Who barely knows these people?
NTA. You are not obligated to take care of someone else’s children FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. I wouldn’t have even tried sugarcoating why. Her kid is horribly behaved, and however bad you might feel for her situation, she obviously doesn’t discipline him and lets him get away with whatever he wants. That is not your problem.
People, read it again. Husband did try to help, and it never said he was the one saying she was wrong to not help.
I’ve done favors for friends like this, and sometimes there is no gratitude!
Some of this falls on your husband offering help that frankly isn’t his to offer. If he wants to offer childcare or any other assistance, he needs to provide it- not offer Your help.
I get that you’re the early childhood professional, doesn’t matter. He’s offering your services- not his own. For that, he should offer to help his coworker do his job.
NTA