My parents got divorced when I (16M) was 3. They shared custody of me for a few years. My dad remarried when I was 7. His wife brought her two kids who were 10 months and 2.5 back then. When I was 9 my mom was in an accident and was left with severely disabled, with brain damage and unable to do anything for herself. My dad and his wife immediately filed for sole custody and won because my mom wouldn’t recover. Then my dad and his wife refused to let me visit mom or have a relationship with my grandparents.
My grandparents tried to see me and have some kind of contact. But that happened later. My dad and his wife decided to sue for child support out of mom’s disability and that’s when my grandparents asked for 50-50 custody back because mom lived with them and they cared for her and I could see both parents again and I’d be taken care of and there was no need for child support. That was fought over for like a year and my grandparents won in the end and I think part of the reason is because I was asked what I wanted. My dad and his wife HATED it.
My dad’s wife in general was really shitty the whole time so I always called her his wife, and I use her full name and I reject when she tries to make us family. She would always try to give her opinion when I’d ask dad to let me see mom or speak to my grandparents and it was always BS like I should focus on my family and not on someone who isn’t there anymore.
Any time I spend with mom I do help out with caring for her. I want to help. My grandparents don’t let me do too much but my dad’s wife said that wasn’t right for me to do anything and she told dad he needed to go back to court. They lost again and it pissed me off so bad because I do more stuff for their kids than mom. So I stopped doing anything at their house and I told them I was too young to get water for one of the smaller kids or stuff that they said was too much for me to be doing for mom. They hated it and we fought a lot.
Then last year I asked my grandparents if they could try to get them/mom full custody of me. That took another year and everyone needed to have their own therapist and I had a GAL speak to me as well as some other advocate from the court and in the end I got to live with them and I told the judge that was my decision.
I’m supposed to keep contact open with my dad and maintain a minimal connection so I talk to him when he calls me but I refuse to see him. When we do talk he starts getting mad about “my little stunt” and I hear his wife say shit in the background too. She’s called me ungrateful a lot.
AITA?
Comments
Updateme
I am so sorry that your Mom went through what she did. Life’s not fair. I am also sorry that your Dad and his wife have no empathy for your situation, that speaks poorly to their parenting abilities.
Ignore the voice of SM in the background, she’s just noise at this point. Keep your eye on the prize – furthering your education/training for yourself. There’s certainly plenty of experience to help foster a career in the Health care field – but there are trades, especially unions, which will give you experience to become a licensed person and pay for your studies, or college, or community college, or the military.
At some point, do therapy for your own sake, not because it’s court ordered and you, as a minor, have few protections.
Is therapy an option for you?
You are definitely NTA. I’m sorry you’ve been through all of this. It’s just too much for a kid.
Absolutely NTA. You’re old enough to know where you feel safe and respected. Wanting to be close to your mom and help care for her doesn’t make you ungrateful… it makes you incredibly mature and empathetic. You made a choice that puts your well-being and your love for your mom first, and that matters more than anyone’s ego.
You’re definitely NTA.
Do you know if your father and this woman have an affair?
I’m glad you’re there for your mom and that you are able to live with her and your grandparents. I’m surprised by your father’s and his wife’s behaviour as they sound cold and spiteful. You should ask your dad if his wife would expect the same treatment in return if she were in your mother’s shoes?
Please continue therapy and keep phone calls to a min. Ie when they start speaking poorly just end the call. “Dad I am not listening to you speaking poorly about my family”. Say it every time and hang up
Your dad’s wife sounds like she missed the memo that family isn’t just about blood it’s about who actually shows up for you! Spoiler alert It’s not her.
NTA but your Dad and his wife are. Just a few more years and you can cut contact. The audacity to sue for child support while simultaneously actively keeping you away.
Your dad and his wife are greedy AHs. Suing your mom for child support out of her disability payments is cruel. I suspect your dad and his wife are mad because they now have to pay child support to your grandparents as you staying full time with them and his wife’s kids are not your dad’s financial responsibility from the court’s point of view unless he has adopted them.
NTA, ignore your dad’s wife. They both tried to erase your mom from your life. Keep the minimal contact that the court required with your dad and you are free to do whatever you wish when you turn 18. I am very sorry about your mom. Your grandparents are good parents and you are a good kid helping your grandparents to care for your mom. If you are able to access therapy, do take the opportunity because your dad and his wife should not have put you through all that toxicity.