TW: infertility, miscarriage
I’m not usually one to post about my life on social media, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. I apologize in advance for it being kinda lengthy.
I (26f) and my husband (27m) have been together for 5yrs and married for 2. Spring of 2024 we experienced our first pregnancy loss. After that, I advocated for myself and got in with a reproductive endocrinologist to see if something was wrong with my body, because my gut feeling was that there was (which there was). We did the stims and egg retrieval last fall and then had our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) a month later. It was successful, but was lost around 6/7wks.
After that, I decided to have one of my fallopian tubes removed, because we believed the cyst I had was an active contributor of my issues (this was offered to me from the beginning, but surgery was scary to me, so I wanted to wait). I had that surgery in the spring (6wks after being admitted into the hospital and having my gallbladder removed, which was a traumatic experience).
We recently did another FET, and it was not successful whatsoever. We initially decided that we would take a short break so I could get through some stressful things at work I had coming up, but after weeks of thinking, I decided today that I am going to make this an indefinite break.
My body has been through so much in the last year. So many hormones, injections, labs, internal ultrasounds, 2 surgeries. I also have PCOS and Hashimoto’s, so my hormones already kick my butt on a daily basis. I have gained over 50lbs since we started IVF just from the hormones and stress I have put my body through.
I want my body back. I was already over weight, but I am now the heaviest I have EVER been. I called my doctor this morning asking to go back on my ADHD medication and I have an appointment on Monday to discuss getting on a medication to help me with my weight loss, because I am already doing everything I can with very little to show for it and I feel miserable.
When I told my husband about this decision, he didn’t really have a reaction and just said “it’s whatever”
Now I just feel like I may be an asshole because I made the final decision without him.
I took a lot of time coming to this decision, and besides any other time I have asked for his input regarding to anything fertility related he responded with “it’s up to you”.
I should add that my husband and I are also having marital issues that we just can’t seem to get past, so I feel like it’s not the right time for us to try bringing a child into the equation anyways. Anytime I try to talk to him about something, he immediately gets defensive and says I’m attacking him when I’m literally just trying to talk to him about how I feel about certain things. One of our biggest issues is when I ask him to stop sexualizing me. I’ll be elbow deep in the sink washing the dishes, and he’s slapping my ass, grabbing my tits, or trying to rub up on me. I’ll ask him to stop, and he acts like he can’t hear and keeps doing it. I’ll eventually say “please stop, you’re starting to piss me off” and he keeps going, but HE gets upset when I finally snap. I’ve told him many times that the type of “affection” he shows me makes me feel like I’m some sort of sex object to him, especially when I ask him to stop and he doesn’t listen. His response is usually “what? I can’t hit on my wife” or “I’m sorry for showing how attracted I am to you”. I have also told him on many occasions that I would appreciate more non-sexual affection and that he just needs to read the damn room. I don’t wanna be slapped, grabbed, rubbed, or anything like that while my shirt is soaked in dirty dish water. And like I said, that’s just one of our biggest issues. One of the other big ones has to do with him getting defensive anytime I try to talk to him, so now I just don’t talk to him about any of my feelings anymore, which lately is becoming very difficult, because he knows something is wrong but I can’t even force myself to open up to him anymore, because I’m so scared of us having another huge argument
So, THT family, AITA?
(Any advice is also welcome and appreciated ❤️)
ETA: I forgot to mention how I told my husband I was taking the break. All I said was “Hey, babe. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I need to take some time to get my my and body back, so I don’t know when this break will be over and I’ll be ready to give IVF another try”
Edit 2: the “it’s whatever” message has now been deleted (unsent) and replaced with “Ok baby that’s fine take all the time you need❤️”. I guess because I never actually opened the message, I read it from my notifications 🤷🏼♀️
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Backup of the post’s body: TW: infertility, miscarriage
I’m not usually one to post about my life on social media, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. I apologize in advance for it being kinda lengthy.
I (26f) and my husband (27m) have been together for 5yrs and married for 2. Spring of 2024 we experienced our first pregnancy loss. After that, I advocated for myself and got in with a reproductive endocrinologist to see if something was wrong with my body, because my gut feeling was that there was (which there was). We did the stims and egg retrieval last fall and then had our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) a month later. It was successful, but was lost around 6/7wks.
After that, I decided to have one of my fallopian tubes removed, because we believed the cyst I had was an active contributor of my issues (this was offered to me from the beginning, but surgery was scary to me, so I wanted to wait). I had that surgery in the spring (6wks after being admitted into the hospital and having my gallbladder removed, which was a traumatic experience).
We recently did another FET, and it was not successful whatsoever. We initially decided that we would take a short break so I could get through some stressful things at work I had coming up, but after weeks of thinking, I decided today that I am going to make this an indefinite break.
My body has been through so much in the last year. So many hormones, injections, labs, internal ultrasounds, 2 surgeries. I also have PCOS and Hashimoto’s, so my hormones already kick my butt on a daily basis. I have gained over 50lbs since we started IVF just from the hormones and stress I have put my body through.
I want my body back. I was already over weight, but I am now the heaviest I have EVER been. I called my doctor this morning asking to go back on my ADHD medication and I have an appointment on Monday to discuss getting on a medication to help me with my weight loss, because I am already doing everything I can with very little to show for it and I feel miserable.
When I told my husband about this decision, he didn’t really have a reaction and just said “it’s whatever” before walking away.
Now I just feel like I may be an asshole because I made the final decision without him.
I took a lot of time coming to this decision, and besides any other time I have asked for his input regarding to anything fertility related he responded with “it’s up to you”.
I should add that my husband and I are also having marital issues that we just can’t seem to get past, so I feel like it’s not the right time for us to try bringing a child into the equation anyways. Anytime I try to talk to him about something, he immediately gets defensive and says I’m attacking him when I’m literally just trying to talk to him about how I feel about certain things. One of our biggest issues is when I ask him to stop sexualizing me. I’ll be elbow deep in the sink washing the dishes, and he’s slapping my ass, grabbing my tits, or trying to rub up on me. I’ll ask him to stop, and he acts like he can’t hear and keeps doing it. I’ll eventually say “please stop, you’re starting to piss me off” and he keeps going, but HE gets upset when I finally snap. I’ve told him many times that the type of “affection” he shows me makes me feel like I’m some sort of sex object to him, especially when I ask him to stop and he doesn’t listen. His response is usually “what? I can’t hit on my wife” or “I’m sorry for showing how attracted I am to you”. I have also told him on many occasions that I would appreciate more non-sexual affection and that he just needs to read the damn room. I don’t wanna be slapped, grabbed, rubbed, or anything like that while my shirt is soaked in dirty dish water. And like I said, that’s just one of our biggest issues. One of the other big ones has to do with him getting defensive anytime I try to talk to him, so now I just don’t talk to him about any of my feelings anymore, which lately is becoming very difficult, because he knows something is wrong but I can’t even force myself to open up to him anymore, because I’m so scared of us having another huge argument
So, THT family, AITA?
(Any advice is also welcome and appreciated ❤️)
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NTA at all, sis. U gotta do wut’s right 4 u. Ur body, ur decision. Hormones r freakin out as it is. Hubby’s ‘tude ain’t OK. He gotta respect ur space n hold back the grabby hands. If u ask him 2 stop, he should stop. Period. IVF journey is tough n’ ur mental health comes first, always. Take that break, get back in tune with urself. Wishin u all the strength n light. 💜💪🏼✨.
He can’t be bothered to give input on anything fertility related but is suddenly a silent martyr when you make the call? Please. His whatever is a manipulative guilt trip. You’re not a broodmare, you’re a human being who has been through hell. Taking your body back is the least asshole thing you could do.
Nta. Take care of yourself
It’s not entirely clear from your post – how did you tell him? With all this info? Or just that you’re done for a while…no context or anything?
Hey so do we actually want to have kids with and be tied this man at all? Reread the marital issues paragraph to yourself a few times, hun.
NTA but y’all need couples counseling stat. You need help communicating.
Ooh Morgan! Feature this one!
Op, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. 💔 Do what you need to do for YOURSELF. It’s your body and the changes to your body affect your mental health.
NTA.
But what’s your plan for your marriage? Sounds like you need counseling.
He gets upset whenever you talk to him because he doesn’t care, he won’t take responsibility and he knows getting angry will shut it down. He will escalate until it works and shuts you up. It’s manipulation 101. His defensiveness and lack of accountability could be a narcissistic trait, look up the other characteristics and see if any resonate.
I really think you should both be in individual and couples counseling
I hope you can view this. It showed up on my TikTok feed. It just may give you some hope
TIKTOK—infertility journey
I think it’s going to be hard to get good answers from people who haven’t gone through IVF. I have. It’s unreal the amount of stress it puts on your body. Having a great partner helps, but no matter how great they are, so much of the burden is something only we can carry. It’s really something I could’ve never understood before going through it, and I don’t think anyone can. Thankfully, I am actually finally pregnant (after 4 years, 5 IUIs, and 3 rounds of IVF that lead to one embryo, which thankfully was euploid and has so far been successful – so still a tough road). I only say that to say if you’re already needing a breather, take one, because pregnancy is just yet another leg of the journey. I think communication should happen between partners, but really, I think it’s your final call if you need a break. Also, you’re still fairly young (I’m 36) so you do have time to catch your breath before picking back up. I say NTA.
I do not care for this man
You have SERIOUS issues. DO NOT GET PREGNANT NOW. Your husband…I can’t describe how shitty it is to SA your wife on a daily basis. You are being abused and yes this is sexual assault, what on earth would you call what he does if you weren’t his wife? Getting married does NOT give him the right to do that to you and that he would makes me doubt his fitness for anything at all, let alone fatherhood.
If you wouldn’t want to bring a child into this marriage, why would you want to stay in it yourself?
NTA. Why would you even want to consider bringing a child in to a weak relationship? Since he won’t listen to you, insist on seeing a couples counselor. If he refuses that, go see a lawyer.
I’m guessing this marriage is on the rocks. He is emotionally unavailable unless his own needs are concerned. You could use some comfort, but all he does is bulldoze your boundaries.
NTA
You have much bigger problems than to worry about getting pregnant. His indifference on top of everything else is just too much. You need to worry about yourself and getting your health back to where you want it or need it. I would definitely seek some counseling for yourself so that you can figure out if you want to continue to be in a marriage like this. Because the way it sounds, it doesn’t sound viable.
NTA, but are you sure you want to stay with someone who won’t stop groping you when you tell them not to?
He doesn’t sound like he wants to be a husband or parent. “It’s up to you.”
And he doesn’t respect you and the word no.
Seems to me that you have a WHOLE lot on your hands including a man who isn’t a partner.
Take your time. Get some perspective. Get as healthy as you can.
See a therapist.
You can’t regret any of that. Peace.
NTA for the IVF break. Your health comes first. But your husband’s behavior is the real problem.
Him constantly grabbing at you when you don’t want it is considered abuse. Him thinking everything is an attack is a major narcissistic trait, his other treatment of you is abuse.
Love, this man is a horrible abuser. Not only shouldn’t you bring a child into this anyway, but you shouldn’t have a kid with him period. You will be so thankful you never had a kid with an abuser like him.
Please, PLEASE leave him, and never feel guilty. Don’t let him manipulate you any further. You need to Google these abuse terms. Emotional Manipulation, Gaslighting, Stonewalling, DARVO, Blame Shifting, Breadcrumbing, Negging, and Love Bombing.
Then you need to Google the book, “Why does he do that “, by Lundy Bancroft, and just read the free pdf version online. You need to fully understand how he has been abusive, and all the tactics he is using that you didn’t understand is abuse.
That sorry excuse of man has never respected or loved you. He only wanted to make you think he did.
My husband and I both have ADHD as well, and NONE of the way he treats you is normal, or ok.
Reading this brought back so many memories of being married . God bless you
I dunno OP, sometimes the universe is talking and we ain’t listening. I want you to be perfectly sure that when you look at this man, this man you’ve described that this is the person you want to have kids with and influence your kids.
Consider counseling to work in your communication issues, get your marriage right if you stay with this man BEFORE you bring children into this please!
You aren’t an AH💝 you are trying to communicate with a child who is feigning ignorance. And you are worth SO MUCH MORE than this. I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this, I can’t imagine how lonely you must feel at times. The feeling to “want your body back” is sooo real.
May I suggest, therapy. For you, for him, and for the both of you as a couple. If he is unwilling to fix your communication issues, that’s your answer.
It is nice to have a man but you don’t NEED him.
NTA. Minus the fertility issues, I was married to a man who did the same things to me. It was horrible. By the time I left him, I couldn’t stand him. Don’t have a child with him. Unless you want to work on things with him, leave. I see no appeal to having to teach another adult how to consider someone else’s feelings and treat them with respect. That’s pretty much asking you to be responsible for giving him a personality and morality transplant and as far as I know, that can only be done by the person with the problem, not anyone else.
People are gonna shit on your husband. But if it was the other way round they would champion you. So honestly im neutral.
Basically you guys are incompatible; different love languages, different values, different desires
NTA
Your body, your choice.
But, you do need to have a serious conversation with your husband about this, but more importantly about your relationship and going to couples therapy.
Big hug 🫂
NTA
Take some time for yourself.
I hear (from the mounjaro sub specifically) that those weight loss injectables actually help with aspects of PCOS and other inflammatory issues.
Get yourself healthy. Recenter yourself.
It will be worth it.
Because it sounds like you’ve really been pushing the baby talk for a bit and hubs might be shutting down mentally due to it. It happens. Not everyone knows how to deal with heavy emotional stuff. Might be a good time to get some couples counseling too.
There are few things I hate as much as being touched sexually while doing chores. Especially chores I hate and don’t want to be doing in the first place. Do not fucking push up against me and jam my body painfully into the edge of the countertop and force my low back and pelvis into a painful position to be in because you want to rub your penis on me through four layers of clothing, jesus fucking christ. Do not goddamn grope me while I am driving! Do not slap me on the ass while I’m bent over putting groceries away, causing me to lose my balance, and think it’s sexy. It’s demeaning. Ask me while any of that is happening, and I’ll say that if I never get touched again, it’ll be too goddamn soon.
So I totally get it. And the fucking crocodile tears acting like a victim because you don’t want to strip off your panties and get fucked on the kitchen counter while wet from dirty dishwater. It’s pathetic. It is the farthest thing from sexy, and it is not going to inspire a panty drop.
Does he only do this to you when you’re doing chores? Maybe also when you’re doing things specifically for him? Because if so, that also send a really disgusting message. That you’re only irresistibly sexy and appealing to him when you’re doing domestic labor or caring for him. That independent of that, when you’re being “just” a woman who isn’t providing him a service, you’re not sexy.
I wouldn’t be lining up to have his baby either. Christ. He sounds like an emotionally repressed pig.
Swing back and bag tag him. He’ll quit.
You two need counseling! Clearly, you have failed the communication test when it comes to talking to each other. I don’t think the issue about deciding to prolong your break for IVF is the issue at all. It’s clear that you two just can’t communicate well. Try to get counseling to help you both with your communication skills. I agree completely that this is no time to try to have a baby.
Oh girlie. Please don’t feel bad about making a decision about YOUR body. Being married does not entitle him to anything when it comes to YOUR body. He shouldn’t be groping you without your consent, and he doesn’t get to decide what should happen with your reproductive organs. He can express an opinion, but it’s your body and your decision. His body isn’t the one dealing with all of the invasive procedures, the hormones, the fallout of those things, and everything else. It would be better and healthier for you to try to lose weight and improve your health/symptoms before trying to get pregnant.
NTA. You can decide what you’re willing to do with your body. If it’s not the right time for hormone injections, pregnancy, or a baby, then it’s not the right time. You can stop IVF for any reason.
It’s a really responsible decision to look at your relationship and recognize that the foundation isn’t solid enough for parenthood. You’re right to want to work on your relationship.
I just want to give you a moment to pause and (possibly) reframe the communication that you’re having with your spouse. Is your spouse responding with “It’s whatever” because he’s disappointed in your choice, because the IVF journey was him giving you what he thought you wanted, or because the journey has been hard on him, too?
I once worked in an IVF clinic and I saw many women whose personalities completely changed with the hormones. It wasn’t their fault, the sheer quantity was a huge shock to their systems. A lot of marriages didn’t survive the process.
It’s totally understandable if your husband’s behavior is beyond the pale, but if you want to try again, let the hormones process out of your system (so you’re sure that they’re not the cause) and try. It may be a great time to bring in a counselor to help you both feel comfortable communicating freely.
Maybe reclaiming your health is to get out of a toxic marriage.
Not even considering all your body has gone through recently…I would figure out the marital issues first before considering children with this person. Doesn’t seem like you’re in a good place to be doing that. A child will only worsen the current problems.
Honestly, every person I know who did IVF got breast cancer later on, so I’d be wary
Why would you want to stay married to someone who treats you like that?
It sounds like you’ve both been through a lot and this will put a strain on any relationship. You’ll probably find with you losing weight and getting your spark back and Thai in turn causing him less stress worrying about you that your relationship returns to normal and you may even have more luck getting pregnant too
NTA It’s your body. It’s your choice. Your husband doesn’t sound very supportive either way. I would say you two are becoming very incompatible. I would talk to a lawyer just to see what your options are and really think about this marriage.
It’s your body that would have to carry the baby, you don’t have to “talk to him first.”
If he can’t change his unromantic ways, you may need to consider counseling or divorce.
You really wanna have kids with a “man” who believes he has 100% access to his wife’s body, regardless of her saying stop? Think again.
You don’t need to have a child with this person. You can also always adopt later if that’s something you want.
Would you want him to take a break without telling you?
YTA
You did NOT describe a man whom ANY woman should have a child with lmfao. Oh my god please do NOT make a kid have that as a father
NTA it is one of my worst nightmares to be tied to a partner who only sees me as a sex object like your husband. From what you describe he consistently disregards your consent and manipulates you for sexual gratification. This isn’t marital rape, but it’s on the same spectrum of violations. You deserve so much more.
Let’s turn this around.
If you really wanted a baby, and had been trying for years, and he went out and got a vasectomy. How would you feel?
You have every right to pull the plug and get your body back, but you’ve just now made a unilateral decision that may have consequences. If you do not want a baby and he does then maybe it’s time for you to consider letting him go, and find somebody who can give him the family that he wants.
It’s your body. You get to decide what happens to it. You can allow a loved one or partner to have some input, but you are never obligated to listen to them. You are NTA for making this decision.
I also am in complete agreement that you should probably work through your issues before you even consider trying again.
Big hugs. Be strong.
IVF is a very tough road to travel, the treatments make you feel like a breeder and not a person, so I understand where you are coming from.
All the tests and clinical aspects can have a horrid impact on your relationship and I honestly think it makes communication very hard. Your husband showing you affection in the way he does is probably him, very clumsy trying to reassure you that he’s still attracted to you. Unfortunately all the drugs have probably messed with your emotions and making you feel like utter crap.
I went through 7 years of fertility treatment and I know it’s tough. Take this break to get back to feeling like you again, then reevaluate what you want to do next.
Hopefully you and your husband will find your way back to each other.
I wish you the best of luck.
It’s your body and that could only be your decision.
NTA. Your body belongs to you. You didn’t need his permission to make this choice.
Obviously, though, your husband doesn’t understand that your body belongs to you, since he is sexually assaulting you on a regular basis. And yes, sexual touching after someone has told you to stop is sexual assault, even if they’re your spouse.
Your husband is sexually abusing you. Please don’t bring a child into that household.
NTA – as a person who has gone through IVF. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s horrible on your body and kills your mental. Take your break
Sounds like you have a huge communication issue. You need to sit down at a planned time – not in the heat of the moment – and express your feelings and ask about his true feelings. You should do this regularly, even daily “check ins”. You need to listen to each other and make decisions together. So one of you doesn’t feel excluded.
OP, you know what? I want to be here when you come back, in a handful of years, to post that you ditched this guy, found yourself and your mojo, and found a man who truly loved and respected you. Only then would you want to be considering how to move forward with your family plans.
I met my husband-to-be at 30 years old. Had my first baby at 32 and second at 38 (long story short – our first baby had a genetic health condition that was hard to manage, and meant we had to get genetic counselling and investigate IVF as an option for future children). Life with kids is hard enough, when you throw in things like IVF, health conditions, or even the illness of a spouse (I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer last year), you need a spouse that fully supports and respects you. Someone you can trust to have your best interests in mind when you are at your lowest. Not someone who is going to grope at you when you least desire it.
You deserve better
Hi OP – this might get buried but, as a fellow PCOS/IVF & autoimmune girly this entire journey is so incredibly taxing. I had 7 miscarriages, traumatic egg retrieval, multiple surgeries and set backs. It was hell for 4 years. You’re definitely NTA but it is VERY straining on partners too. You should take some time for yourself and let yourself feel more like you before making any life altering decisions about your relationship etc. it’s so easy to lose yourself in this process and feel alone (since you’re doing all of the work!!!)
If you haven’t already, counseling during/before/after IVF I highly recommend.
Send me a dm too if you ever need support, wish you the best.
Just so ya know, the last paragraph with your two examples were my life. I’ve filed for divorce after living like that for many years and while I’m not quite divorced yet, the weight off my shoulders already makes me know I made the right decision for myself and child.
Absolutely NTA. I have PMDD that is pretty much non-existent when I take birth control. I never got pregnant when my husband and I tried, and I was the one with the final say in when we stopped. It’s a team decision, but it’s my body. He was sad about not trying for a kid anymore, but he also understood that I was the one struggling.
So 1,000,000% NTA!
After THE FIRST TIME- he grabbed you sexually while you were doing something else, and you said stop and it pissed him off-
He knew exactly what your response would be.
So either he kept doing it because he didn’t care how you felt, or he enjoyed making you uncomfortable.
Oh hun.
I do t think reddits the best place to ask. but I think you should be taking care of yourself. Maybe you both should work on the marriage
That sounds like a very lonely marriage. My husband is good company. We are attentive to each other’s moods and needs. He never makes me feel like a piece of me. Our bond is really strong and we both are very affectionate.
I’m telling you this not to rub it in, but to tell you what it should be like. Your husband sounds detached and creepy, frankly; groping you against your will clearly turns him on.
Weight loss drugs increase pregnancy risk, specifically for people with PCOS.
I want to mention it because…. I wouldn’t wanna have kids with that guy. Make sure you use protection.
NTA. I went through years of fertility treatments and finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore and honestly it was the best decision I’ve ever made. Yes, it’s usually a decision you want your partners input into if you’re deciding to proceed, but the decision to pause or stop has to be yours. Like, you don’t want invasive stuff happening to your body. He just doesn’t get an equal say in that.
Just to add: fertilizer treatments can trigger an incredible feeling of lacking bodily autonomy. I can’t think of anything worse than my partner ignoring my repeated requests to not touch me in those circumstances.
Also when you tell your husband to stop touching you in a sexual manner and he doesn’t? There’s a name for that.
I realize that PCOS causes fertility issues, which must cause anxiety since it will take more effort and time to get pregnant. However, you need to care for yourself, get control over your weight, and make sure you and your husband both want to stay together, and are truly happpy together.
I think get healthy inside and out. Get off all these big pharma drugs. Look for healthy alternatives and get away from all toxic environments. Meditate and reduce all stress. Heal. Come back and rethink your relationship.
So I want to give you some insight from a mans perspective with a wife who has PCOS and weight gain, infertility, the works.
Disclaimers: No I’m not mansplaining I’m sharing my thoughts as someone who is supporting his wife through the infertility journey and someone whose love language is physical touch.
First and foremost obviously being touched while you are saying No is very wrong and he is 100% wrong for that. That needs to be addressed. No means no and he does need to understand that.
For the IVF I wouldn’t say YTA because I’ve seen what my wife goes through, all the poking, prodding, etc. it is a lot and you understandable need a break. But just remember that it was a mutual decision to want to have children so it should be a mutual decision to not want or to stop trying. You can’t just pull him in when you need his sperm then toss him aside when it’s no longer needed.
It does affect us too. My wife and I used to be intimate regularly now it’s only on ovulation days, it makes us feel used. For us especially with our love language being physical touch that is what we need to connect with our partner so when we go through this with you all and we are essentially milked like cows for our sperm and done it does feel pretty horrible and does make us question if that’s the only motive.
I would try different things to maybe rekindle and respark what you once had before this infertility journey. I know for me personally I did fall into a deep depression since we have started this journey and it’s become difficult for me to even have sex now. It’s ends up feeling like another house hold chore.
What my wife and I started doing is going out on dates, try to spend more quality time together even if it’s just going to grab a cup of coffee together and just talk at our local Dunkin.
I know a lot of reddit comments are saying it’s abuse and he’s some dangerous killer. But maybe it’s just a call for help that he needs some reassurance that he’s still loved and still wanted and needed for more than just his sperm
NTA. Why do I feel like your husband found your red post?
Look. I had fertility issues with Endo. Took two years to get pregnant. Hormones. Cervical biopsy. All of the different shit. And when it’s all going on, you already don’t feel like yourself.
As you said, your weight changes. Your hormones change. You’re always stressed about timing of sex. Hoping this month might be the month. Not to mention in your case, you have other health issues that have crept in as well as one set are ongoing. So I can only imagine that what I was feeling, you are feeling times 1000.
So no come you’re not an asshole for needed a break. You’re still young. What you need is to feel like yourself again. So that you’re ready to keep trying. But I’m going to be honest with you… I wouldn’t keep trying with this asshole. I wouldn’t be staying with this asshole.
Just because he wants to frame him viewing your body as some sort of sex toy as him being attracted to you doesn’t mean that’s the case.
Because being attracted to your partner means being attracted to all of your partner. Not just their bodily parts that get you off.
It means that you love and respect them. That you try to understand what they’re going through. And from what you’re telling us, you guys trying to have kids hasn’t fucked up his life in anyway other than you’re not feeling like you anymore.
You don’t tell us he’s having to do injections or hormones or anything else. It’s all on you. And a partner who loves you and actually wants to create a family with you. Would be patient with you. Would actually listen when you told them you need non-sensual Affection.
They wouldn’t double down to make you feel guilty or coerce you or manipulate you by saying stupid shit like I guess I just can’t be attracted to my wife. That just makes me wanna puke.
Because again, if you’re actually attracted to your wife, you do want to give her a hug. You want to hold her. You want to make sure she feels safe with you. Because you love her. Because you have empathy for and with her.
The mere fact that he continues to do the very things you tell him are repugn to you means he doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. He just wants to cop a fuel and maybe coerce you into sex even though you don’t feel like it.
Because as long as he feels good, he doesn’t give a fuck. You’re supposed to be convenient. And you’re supposed to be convenient at his convenience.
He’s an asshole. He is selfish. He is manipulative. And the first time I had to tell my husband more than wants to take his hands off me because this was not attractive, I would probably turn around with whatever was in my hand while I was doing the dishes , and he would be smacked with it.
Because I’m sorry once I’ve told you to please stop doing that and you keep doing it, you’re assaulting me. And wedding ring or not, you don’t have the right to do that. So get your fucking hands off me.
We will talk later when I’ve calm down, and I will lay down the law for you as far as my body goes. And I’m not joking. I don’t have patience with that at all. And one of us who is an SA survivor… That is one of the most triggering things out there.
So yeah, he’s a jerk. And what he’s doing really is abusive. Mentally and physically. You’ve told him you don’t like being touched that way especially when that is the only way he touches you. He ignores it because he wants to. So when he’s really telling you as you’re feeling, don’t matter to him. He doesn’t give a shit.
He does give a shit about what you can do for him. And if you do decide to tell him, you’re leaving, I can pretty well guarantee that this is what will happen…
He will immediately start apologizing. He will tell you that he will do better. That he’ll stop grabbing you and start just cuddling with you more. That he will start helping you around the house more so you can rest more and feel better.
He will literally start apologizing for all the things you’ve talk to him about time and time and time and time again. And you will notice he doesn’t even have to stop and think about what to apologize for. What to tell you he’s gonna do better with. How he’s gonna improve. How sorry he is for doing this and that and the other thing.
In other words, he heard you every time. He doesn’t have to figure out what to apologize for… he immediately knows how to try to love bomb you and get you to stay. So yeah, he heard you every time. He just fucking didn’t care. You yourself were not important enough for him to do any of that for.
But you leaving? That’s really really inconvenient for him. So now, all the things you’ve been talking about again and again and again and again to the point where you just wanna throw up every time you have to have the conversation again…
Yeah, now that it’s gonna affect him because he didn’t listen… Now it’s important enough to do something about. But for you? Not so much.
‘I ask him to stop and he doesn’t listen’
Everything he does after this is sexual assault.
Just sit with that for a moment.
It’s not going to get better on its own, because he won’t listen to you or take accountability.
You are very wise not to have a child with him.
If you break up, you will need to have a legal agreement about any embryos which still exist. Get this done early, because he’s likely to use it against you if other negotiations don’t go well.
Not quite getting this. did you talk to him or text him?
When I told my husband about this decision, he didn’t really have a reaction and just said “it’s whatever”
Edit 2: the “it’s whatever” message has now been deleted (unsent) and replaced with “Ok baby that’s fine take all the time you need❤️”. I guess because I never actually opened the message, I read it from my notifications 🤷🏼♀️
If you’re worried about your body, weight loss drugs will surely make it significantly worse. The short and long term effects aren’t often spoken about enough, but they’re seriously nothing good. When you say you’ve already tried everything, you should have a calorie tracker to show for it. Do you have one? It sounds like you’re treating your body as a giant experimental playground. No judgement, but maybe give your whole body some rest from all the drugs, treatments, and surgeries instead of jumping from one thing to the next all the time. Your body might not even know what to do with itself anymore
Edit: NTA
Is your husband my husband? Bc mine does the same dang thing
I actually sliced my hand once bc he ran up and grabbed my boobs while I was cutting up food for dinner (not bad enough to need the ER but still….) I told him to stop, yelled at him even and then he freezes me out for days. His response is always “if not me then who?” Or “how would you know I love you if I don’t feel you up?” Like dude, I don’t want ANYONE doing that. So if not you then no one preferably. If you loved me, you’d listen when I say stop, no, and don’t.
All that to say, honey, he doesn’t want kids with you. He has no strong opinion, has left all the decision making up to you, you guys need therapy. If he refuses, please get therapy for yourself. You’re not being respected in your marriage and this is not a good environment to bring a helpless baby into who has no say in the matter. Will he be this flippant and uninvolved in decisions with his child? Why would you want a kid to experience that?
If he won’t listen when it’s just the two of you when you want to be touched, let alone sexually, he’s going to have a worse time of it when you’re all touched out by your kid and will react more strongly.
Why are you married to someone who doesn’t respect you?
Counseling, therapist, communication.
you are doing the right thing by taking a break. Beside your body, you guys are not in the right place.
Your counseling doesn’t work. Then you can say you tried everything.
Babies take up your whole day. No one‘s ready for a baby. But if you can’t even communicate, not the right time.