A few months ago, someone in my fiancé’s family passed away. I responded to a social media post about grief in a kind and supportive way, but was told (by a family member) that I’m “not part of the culture” and basically shouldn’t be commenting. I was very hurt by this. And shocked.
Fast forward to now—we’re about to be married and I’m being asked if I want to wear traditional clothing to one of my own pre-wedding parties.
I want to be respectful, but it feels like I’m being included only when it’s convenient or performative.
AITA for saying “no thank you”.
Info: we were engaged when the first situation happened and it was the same person who made both comments.
*Additional info: there was another recent event where the family was going to wear something special (they usually wear American clothing) and I didn’t know about this tradition until last minute. But was told “you don’t have to wear it” .. but then when I showed up to the event, they said – “someone is coming out with the garment and don’t come inside without wearing it”- the garment was to cover my hair. I wore it because I was put on the spot and drove 2 hours to the event.
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A few months ago, someone in my fiancé’s family passed away. I responded to a social media post about grief in a kind and supportive way, but was told (by a family member) that I’m “not part of the culture” and basically shouldn’t be commenting. I was very hurt by this. And shocked.
Fast forward to now—we’re about to be married and I’m being asked if I want to wear traditional clothing to one of my own pre-wedding parties.
I want to be respectful, but it feels like I’m being included only when it’s convenient or performative.
AITA for saying “no thank you”.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I responded “no” to their offer of giving me traditional clothing to wear… could make me an asshole somehow in their eyes- but that isn’t my culture and I was told that I am not in that culture in the past.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s your wedding party. You get to choose what to wear. Simple as that.
Nta, you wear what you want. Don’t let them push you around on your day
Marriage is a large invitation to the culture, no? Sounds like your being petty.
NTA but I would let them know exactly why you are declining based on how you were treated previously so they know.
Out of curiosity, did your fiancé defend you? If not, how will you see your future with someone that doesn’t support you?
NTA- Wear what you want.
Time to have a very serious conversation about expectations.
NTA
They kept you out their culture when it suited them, now they want you to embrace theirs (by diminishing yours) again when it suits
Establish your boundaries now because it’ll only get worse later on
NTA at all, like they can’t gate keep you then suddenly want you as a prop for vibes. They made it clear before, now they deal with it
INFO: How does your fiancé feel about it? The clothing decision sounds like a conversation and decision between the two of you, not something the family member gets a say in.
Grief is handled differently in different cultures and your comment may have actually been inappropriate. And the fact that it wasn’t included or even what culture is being discussed here makes me very suspicious.
EDIT: changing to YTA after looking through your post history if for no other reason than you refusing to put your foot down or talk to your fiancé about his mom’s behavior.
INFO: what did your fiancé say/do in both events-the social media comment and now the wedding request?
NTA but you do sound like you are being petty. You are getting married now. Girlfriend and boyfriend status is not the same. It is your choice what you want to wear but let that other incident go. Don’t take that baggage into the marriage.
NTA – I would tell them, that you were told that you were not part of the culture. Therefore, that you should NOT be wearing the clothing.
YTA. So one family member says this and now you take it as you were excluded by all of them? You were just a girlfriend and now that you are going to become a wife you are being welcomed and you choose to focus on what one person said during a time of grief.
YWBTA. Without knowing their culture we can’t say if you commenting was proper or not but now that your getting married they are inviting you into their traditions. If you don’t do this you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of exclusion and hurt feelings.
NTA! I married into a stringent culture myself. If they want to genuinely include you, they’d be bending over backwards to honour YOUR culture to the same degree they’re asking you to.
If you ever need to vent to someone who completely gets it, feel free to DM me. (I’m in an AMWF.)
NTA. Its okay to not participate in your parnter’s family’s cultural practices if it feels like you arent genuinely participating lr just dont feel comfortable.
That said, when you are making your decision I think it kind of depends on who told you to butt out and who asked if you would like to wear the tradtional garb.
If MIL (FIL, SIL, Aunt in Law, whomever) said butt out and is now saying do you want to wear it, I get where you are coming from. If SIL said butt out but now MIL is asking if you want to participate (or sub any family memeber in either role) your feelings may be more about the first person snapping at you.
I think I would also consider the relationship of the person who told you to butt out to the person who died. Not just like was it it sibling or parent/child but how close where they to the deceaced? People can lash out in their grief because they need to be angry with someone. Talk with your fiancee. Was the comment a lashing out in grief or an us vs op opinion of the speaker?
Also, do you intend on incorporating their culture into your married life? Or your daily life? BTW the answer to these two questions can be no and you can be N T A so long as you and your fiancee are on the same page.
And finally, how much, if at all, would declining traditional wear impact your future relationship with your fiancee’s family? And do you care?
NAH.
Mourning is handled differently by different cultures. I do think the family member who scolded you handled it poorly, but no one is at their best when they’re grieving a loved one.
It sounds like it’s a different family member who’s inviting you to wear traditional dress, as a welcome to the culture given your impending nuptuals. If you want to accept that invitation, you’re welcome to. If you’d rather not, that’s also fine. But I hope you don’t write off the entire culture and family based on a one-off comment. Consider what feels right to you, what foot you want to start your marriage on (blending families or asserting independence- neither is wrong) and go from there.
H
INFO – We need more information about your culture and his regarding the grief differences.
For example, in Jewish culture we say ‘May their memory be a blessing’
Some people like to say some things about the afterlife which is sometimes inappropriate
Grow up you are being petty. YTA
ESH. What matters about wedding clothes is what you and fiancé decide together, and what matters about the family member’s comments is how fiancé stood up for you, and handled the situation whether he thought your comment was appropriate or not.
You and he going in to marriage as a team matters most.
NTA, you should wear whatever you want. That being said, I would see what your fiancé thinks. Some of this stuff is performative and sometimes you have to do what you have to do. If your fiancé is telling you it’s not a big deal, then wear whatever you want. I married someone from another culture and there were some events that a suit was ok, others it was strongly suggested that I wear traditional clothes.
It’s possible this is an olive branch to make up for bad behavior when this person was grieving. This will be your family so it’s worth figuring out which one it is. NTA for your reluctance but, if it’s an olive branch, take it.
NTA.
Wear what you want.
Given both of these comments come from the same person, it smells like a set up where you’re damned either way. I’d ask your fiancé’ to negotiate this situation for you.
I don’t know, it sounds like they may be trying to reach out now and include you. Even if it’s only because of the wedding, it’s still a chance to mend things and form a bond with your future family. I wouldn’t pass that up, since you’ll be dealing with them for the rest of your life. NTA, but I hope you’re open to reconsidering.
YTA. A specific person made a shitty comment. That isn’t necessarily the entire family.
NTA
You’re either in or out, if they’re picking and choosing when you’re included then you’re not actually included.
You could be TA: because one family member reacted stupidly in their grief to your kind gesture, should you shun the entire family by rejecting a welcoming invitation to partake in their culture as part of your wedding? They say when you marry someone you are marrying their entire family. While not entirely accurate the idea is that you are becoming a part of his family. Don’t mess it up so early in the game.
NTA but don’t you get married before you work this out
My kid married into a way different culture. Culture differences occur. But we all feel accepted and loved, I do my best to return the same.
YTA. I’ve known my BFF for 20 years. Her mom was like a second mom to me. When her mom died. I wanted to post something on her honor. I asked my friend. She was uncomfortable with the idea and asked me not too. So I didn’t. Respect is a two way thing.
I think you should have asked before posting about the death. I hope you apologized. This post comes off as entitled.
NTA
Just remind the person that if you are not considered part of the culture to comment on the death of a family member, you won’t be wearing a cultural outfit, not being part of the culture, sincebyou would notvwant to “offend” anyone..
So I interpreted this as now they want to include you by asking you to cover your hair again.
Hell NO girl! Tell them you’re not part of their culture so it would be inappropriate
NTA
INFO: How much about your fiancé’s culture do you know about and have you and your fiancé discussed how to navigate cultural events in terms of attire and other expectations?
You need to go into the marriage with this understanding as it impacts your relationship with his family/your sense of belonging, your relationship with him as your husband, and how you raise any potential future kids. It would not be cool to have this type of mixed messaging continue going on for yourself and potentially to your kids.
You are NTA for declining if you do not feel comfortable wearing the traditional clothing. Hopefully it’s not out of hurt feelings from that one person. However, as others have said, you need to draw boundaries around that person and ensure your fiancé/husband backs you up, lest they continue treating you as an outsider to manipulate (and potentially target future kids too)
You seem not to know what you are getting yourself into. There might be much more to follow after the wedding…
Me and a close friend of mine couldn’t be from more different cultures and religions. Her family is middle eastern Hindu and I’m black southern and a wiccan. When my grandfather died she offered me the same comfort I gave her when her aunt died. “I’m so sorry that happened. The story story doesn’t give justice to how I’m sure you’re hurting. Death isn’t fair. It’s okay to mourn how you need to. To process. I’ll be here for you. I’ll keep you in my prayers for healing.” We couldn’t be from more different cultures. She didn’t take insult. She understood that I was trying to comfort her through grief and she did the same for me. It has nothing to do with culture to accept someone trying to be kind. Kindness and empathy are universal. You don’t have to agree with the methodology to see that they are trying to comfort you in the best way they know how and to appreciate even when it doesn’t feel right or enough.
NTA. Make sure that when you tell them why you do so tactfully. You don’t have to yell or fight, just explain that you were caught off guard and hurt when all you were doing was trying to be kind and that since they made it a point to say you’re not a part of the culture and that it made you uncomfortable to now turn around and wear clothes of the same culture you were told you don’t belong to. Kindness costs nothing from anyone, even when angry or dealing with grief. And kindness begets kindness. It’s much like trust:lost in buckets and gained in drops.
No idea, as your fiancé is either a good guide to how his family and culture work and what to do, or he’s not. It’s a red flag if you feel he isn’t proactive, helpful and defending you. If he’s not, and you bail on his culture, dealing with his family will be very difficult. It’s hard enough marrying someone not of your culture as it is, much less when you’re not sure if you’re welcome, you’re feeling disconnected and he’s indifferent. I’d discuss this issue very thoroughly. It’s tough being an outsider.
Context is required.
Some comments by relative seem off.
Some comments by you seem off, example being how you described what seems to be a visit to a temple where you expected to show up without head coverings.
There’s a huge difference between religious tradition and relatives having a party where they will dress in ethnic clothes. Its not up to your relatives to give you a pass on some of these, and others are totally optional.
NTA but this is what your future is.. Your fiance’s family thinking they get a say. I hope you are strong enough to tell them where to go.
Is the same person (or group of people) who told you to butt out the one asking you about wearing traditional garb? If not, you’re probably TAH.