Context: my sister is slightly older than me and every time we go out during holidays as a family, she would bring her boyfriend with us all the time.
Sometimes I protest but most of the time, I just ignore because I don’t want confrontation as she will end up accusing me of being selfish and tell me to “grow up”.
My reason for demanding her to stop bringing her bf along to upcoming Easter break road trip:
– my sister never discuss with me when she has her bf over- like 3 days per week and they would use my bathroom when they are here. She would only inform that he is coming over, but never ask if I am okay with another person encroaching my personal space 50% of my week!
– oddly the boyfriend never made an effort to talk to me at all nor our parents, and most of the time I am the person who initiate a conversation with him. Unfortunately my sister never cared to change his behaviour
– my sister’s behaviour change a lot when he is around, like she would push her choice onto me and my mom (like deciding where to eat out/ where to go for trips etc). One can say her bf has her back in everything and so she gets more bold.
– she would take him with us allil the time- you name it: Christmas holidays, New year days, Uni breaks, dinner Sundays
My parents do not want to step in because they said they didn’t want to be the person to break them up, so they are very handsoff
Also, I have a bit compassion for him because:
• her boyfriend is an international student and doesn’t have a car so he cannot go anywhere far.
But then family is not poor, he pays like $60k on uni tuition each year, it is not like he cannot afford a secondhand car
Additional info: yes, I pay for the trip / food, including my parents and my sister.
And no, he doesn’t pay for anything and I don’t expect him to
TOLD my therapist about this because it is an ongoing issue for a long time and I just want respect and boundary. Therapist told me to tell sis to hangout w her boyfriend alone and shouldn’t concern families members in this situation.
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Context: my sister is slightly older than me and every time we go out during holidays as a family, she would bring her boyfriend with us all the time.
Sometimes I protest but most of the time, I just ignore because I don’t want confrontation as she will end up accusing me of being selfish and tell me to “grow up”.
My reason for demanding her to stop bringing her bf along to upcoming Easter break road trip:
My parents do not want to step in because they said they didn’t want to be the person to break them up, so they are very handsoff
Also, I have a bit compassion for him because:
• her boyfriend is an international student and doesn’t have a car so he cannot go anywhere far.
But then family is not poor, he pays like $60k on uni tuition each year, it is not like he cannot afford a secondhand car
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1). Action I did: demanding my siblings to not bring their partner over for Easter trip
2). This action can potentially make me an asshole because it may be too harsh towards siblings
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. I can understand not wanting the boyfriend coming on a family trip, but unless you are paying for the entire trip, you cannot demand he not be included. You are not in charge here. I’m assuming your parents are paying? If so, they get the final say. You can approach them about not wanting someone outside of the family coming on the trip, give all your reasons why you are against it, but if they say it’s fine then that’s that. If you don’t like it, don’t go.
YTA. Your sister has all the right to bring him as she is part of the family.
Not everything revolves around you.
YTA. Not a single bit of this is up to you.
Jeepers you’re really self focused in this post. Sounds like your sister has someone she enjoys being around and you can’t handle that for some reason.
YTA
>But then family is not poor, he pays like $60k on uni tuition each year, it is not like he cannot afford a secondhand car
And what the heck does this even have to do with anything?
Info – how old are you? Are you paying rent? Are you paying for these outings?
The family should take the boyfriend on the trip and leave you at home.
Info: If you own the house, you have the right to demand who can stay. if it is your parents property then both you & sis has equal rights. So what is your situation here? The same if you are paying for the entire trip, you can make that call who can come. But if not, you don’t really have a say on the matter. However, if the expenses were split to include sister’s partners share, assuming he is not paying and the additional cost of having him on the trip were also allocated to you, then you can refused and insist on sister to cover the share of her boyfriend. Or you can decide not to go. So yeah need more info here.
You pay for everything so you get to decide NTA
However don’t be surprised if your sister stops going and so it’s just you and your parents, which I’m sure will make them enjoy the trip less as well.
YTA
> my sister never discuss with me when she has her bf over
It’s your parents house, she doesn’t need to.
> One can say her bf has her back in everything and so she gets more bold.
That’s great he has her back.
> she would take him with us allil the time
That would be very frustrating BUT unless you’re footing the bill you can’t dictate this.
> Therapist told me to tell sis to hangout w her boyfriend alone and shouldn’t concern families members in this situation.
Get a new therapist.
Stop trying to control your sister.
YTA – Your sister doesn’t have to ask you for permission to bring her bf over to her parents’ house. Your “personal space” is your bedroom, not your parents entire house. Based on your attitude in this post I can see why he might not want to talk to you, but also he could just be shy. Her behaviour changes in that she stands up for her desires because he supports her? Perish the thought! And you know what? Spending holidays/vacations with one’s significant other is NOT strange.
YTA You have no right to demand this. I’m willing to bet that he doesn’t talk to you because it is obvious how you feel about him. All of this is petty nonsense. Unless you pay the entire rent or mortgage, no bathroom is just yours even if you did, it’s just rude to have a bathroom only one person is allowed to use. And I say that even about my own master bathroom, or en suite.
YTA. The world doesn’t revolve around you, if you didn’t get the memo
Hmm… this is an interesting post mostly because I want to know how long this bf has been around, and why hasn’t he talked to anyone in your family besides the sister? Bc if he plans to marry her, he should talk to you guys, or is he just using her while he is here and then moving back to wherever he is from when he is done with school?
Also, NTA, mostly because i would be highly annoyed if I had to pay extra for someone else who can pay but refuses to or a sister to pay his share.
Hmm… this is an interesting post mostly because I want to know how long this bf has been around, and why hasn’t he talked to anyone in your family besides the sister? Bc if he plans to marry her, he should talk to you guys, or is he just using her while he is here and then moving back to wherever he is from when he is done with school?
Also, NTA, mostly because i would be highly annoyed if I had to pay extra for someone else who can pay but refuses to or a sister to pay his share.
Hmm… this is an interesting post mostly because I want to know how long this bf has been around, and why hasn’t he talked to anyone in your family besides the sister? Bc if he plans to marry her, he should talk to you guys, or is he just using her while he is here and then moving back to wherever he is from when he is done with school?
Also, NTA, mostly because i would be highly annoyed if I had to pay extra for someone else who can pay but refuses to or a sister to pay his share.
All you need to do is just talk to her! “Sis, I love you, and I am glad you’re happy with him. But we’ve got to talk about some boundaries.” It sounds like you miss spending time with just her and aren’t used to sharing? That’s a normal thing. But if he treats her well and she’s genuinely happy, why push him out? Just explain to her that you need more of a notice before he shows up, that you need more 1 on 1 sister time, etc… soft yta
You don’t have to go on the trip. If he is going, say that you will pass. Though it seems this is a long-term relationship, and he may end up becoming the husband, at which point you will need to learn to deal with him always coming to family functions.
YTA. Just let me try to change your view a bit:
If you have a SO wouldn’t you want that your family welcome him ? Or if you visit your SO‘s family how would you feel if one of his family members always try to exclude you ?
If they will get married in the future, he will be family as well.
And if he’s a more quiet person it can just be that he’s trying not to do anything wrong or he’s just more introverted or he needs more time to warm up. You know all your family members and you know what kind of topics you can talk to them about or what kind of jokes you can tell and he needs to learn about you all.
You should be happy for your sister and I’m sure she will be happy for you as well if you have someone. It just feels good for everyone if you make the Partner feel welcome 🤗
I hope it’ll help you and you’ll think about it (How would I feel if my sister wouldn’t support my relationship with my partner/ How would I feel if one of the siblings of my partner didn’t want me to be there)