My wife and I have a child. We are planning on having a second child soon and thought it would be nice to book a family vacation for the 3 of us before the next child comes. This would likely be our last vacation for a couple years until the new baby grows up a bit. I proceeded to book the resort and flights. However a few weeks later my wife informed me that her friend along with her spouse and kids also booked a stay at the same resort for the same time we will be there, likely because my wife suggested to her friend it might be a good idea. My wife did not communicate this idea to me, likely because she expected I wouldn’t agree to it. I’m feeling confused about my feelings about this. I was expecting a vacation where it would just be our family, time to enjoy our last moments as a family of three.
Now I’m worried that my wife will be compromising family time to spend time with her friend. We’ve had a very rocky last few years, filled with multiple moments where we almost separated, constant fighting, and a lack of respect and consideration. I feel very insecure about our relationship, and I’m sensitive when she takes time away from us, especially since we spend very little quality time together. Whenever we go out somewhere with her friends she completely tunes me out and focuses her entire attention on them. Even at home she will prioritize looking at her phone and responding to a text in the middle of a conversation with me, tuning me out.
Her friend says that they intend to do their own thing while they are there, and we may share the odd dinner together. And I believe that, but I’m more concerned that my wife will be more focused on integrating our time there with her friends than just with us. I will be put into a position where I have to fight for time for us.
I’m conflicted, because part of me is fighting to have more quality time with my wife, and help us get closer and connect. But on the other hand it seems she doesn’t share the same priorities and it makes me resent her, which makes me not want to bother putting effort into reconnecting with her at all. I might as well say fuck it, I’ll just treat this vacation as quality time with my kid and prioritize them, and not put any care into what she wants to do.
Am I justified in disagreeing with my wife for doing this? Part of me thinks I may be overreacting because my expectations for this vacation were completely upended without my knowledge, but on the other hand it makes me questions whether she took my feeling into account.
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My wife and I have a child. We are planning on having a second child soon and thought it would be nice to book a family vacation for the 3 of us before the next child comes. This would likely be our last vacation for a couple years until the new baby grows up a bit. I proceeded to book the resort and flights. However a few weeks later my wife informed me that her friend along with her spouse and kids also booked a stay at the same resort for the same time we will be there, likely because my wife suggested to her friend it might be a good idea. My wife did not communicate this idea to me, likely because she expected I wouldn’t agree to it. I’m feeling confused about my feelings about this. I was expecting a vacation where it would just be our family, time to enjoy our last moments as a family of three.
Now I’m worried that my wife will be compromising family time to spend time with her friend. We’ve had a very rocky last few years, filled with multiple moments where we almost separated, constant fighting, and a lack of respect and consideration. I feel very insecure about our relationship, and I’m sensitive when she takes time away from us, especially since we spend very little quality time together. Whenever we go out somewhere with her friends she completely tunes me out and focuses her entire attention on them. Even at home she will prioritize looking at her phone and responding to a text in the middle of a conversation with me, tuning me out.
Her friend says that they intend to do their own thing while they are there, and we may share the odd dinner together. And I believe that, but I’m more concerned that my wife will be more focused on integrating our time there with her friends than just with us. I will be put into a position where I have to fight for time for us.
I’m conflicted, because part of me is fighting to have more quality time with my wife, and help us get closer and connect. But on the other hand it seems she doesn’t share the same priorities and it makes me resent her, which makes me not want to bother putting effort into reconnecting with her at all. I might as well say fuck it, I’ll just treat this vacation as quality time with my kid and prioritize them, and not put any care into what she wants to do.
Am I justified in disagreeing with my wife for doing this? Part of me thinks I may be overreacting because my expectations for this vacation were completely upended without my knowledge, but on the other hand it makes me questions whether she took my feeling into account.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I disagreed with my wife that she wants to invite her friend on a family vacation. I might be the asshole because it might not be a big deal and I’m being oversensitive about it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She should have talked to you first, but I wonder, if things are so bad between you, maybe she did it to have a distraction from you both spending time together. Also, maybe don’t have another kid if it’s not going to last. Just a thought.
Your wife is TA for inviting friends on a “just the 3 of you family vacation” without discussing this with you first. This was supposed to be bonding time for the 3 of you. You two need counseling, and if she won’t go, you need counseling on your own to deal with her and your feelings. I dislike people who look at their phones while I’m talking with them, it’s rude. You’re NTA.
NTA because really that should have been a joint decision. But at the same time, maybe have a really serious think about why your wife might not want to have ‘quality time’ with you or why she might be worried about being isolated at a resort with you with out having a friend there.
Edit: It really reads as if you think she should be thrilled to be spending alone time with you, doing what ever activities you have chosen on what ever schedule you have set. There is a lot of “you” and not so much “her” in this plan
ESH, the reason I write this is not because of the vacation but because as a couple you’re rying for a second child when your relationship is so uncertain.
NTA, it sounds like this was purposeful. Talk to your wife and try to get to the bottom of why she did this without telling you first. There may still be time to cancel the trip and get your refunds and put that money towards couples counseling instead. There’s no reason to spend money on a trip that you’re going to be fighting for attention from your own wife. Hold off on planning for that second baby (hopefully she isn’t pregnant already!!!) because with the troubles you mention here, it would be detrimental to bring another child into this situation without extensive counseling.
NTA. You expressed yourself very well to us. Now go show this post to your wife. This is the kind of open communication that you should be having with her, not with strangers on the internet. I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but in my experience, talking to your spouse about these things and only your spouse is usually a great step in achieving a happier marriage. My own relationship suffered for years until we learned to communicate to each other when unhappy rather than to others or by staying silent when unhappy and letting it fester into that resentment you mentioned.
NTA
But honestly, this does not sound like a situation you should be thinking about bringing another child into. You and your wife are clearly not on the same page, she’s going behind your back when she thinks you will object to things, you’re insecure in the relationship, and she isn’t prioritizing your relationship at all.
I’m going to be real with you: you two are headed for divorce on your current path. This is a marriage on its last legs, not a healthy one. These are major, major issues. You two need to put the baby plans on hold until you work through these issues in couples counseling. If you are able to get to a place where you are both prioritizing the relationship, on the same page, communicating well, and focusing on your family; then start talking about kiddo #2. But divorces are hard enough. You don’t need to add an infant to the mix.
ESH, I’m afraid, Her for secretly inviting her friends, you for not dealing with this conflict before now, for your family’s sake. You admit that you are insecure and that’s a good thing. Admitting it is more than half of the problem. I would *really* recommend counseling. Two very good friends of mine are on the verge of breaking up because one of them is insecure and that is making the other feel untrusted and controlled and smothered.
One thing you might do is sit down with your wife and plan out the trip. Admit to her that you worry that you will not get enough family time (just you and your child) and you were looking forward to it. Ask her to help you feel reassured that you will get enough family time. Be clear in the schedule about what times will be family only and which will be open to doing things with her friend. If she refuses to commit, or if she agrees and then violates the agreement, you have a problem. But don’t let it become a big blow-up and risk saying things that are difficult to take back.
And please do push for counseling. It is hard to resolve issues when there are only two people and they each have a vote. Also, a professional will be able to help you both understand how you may be triggering each other or yourselves.
NTA. She changed the nature of the holiday without speaking to you first. The way you describe her she takes you for granted and doesn’t respect you. With all that , why are you having another child?
Have you actually spoken to your wife about this?
Really sounds like you should be considering “couple’s therapy” not “another child”.
It’s not normal or healthy for your relationship to get to the point of almost separating multiple times. You’re NTA in this situation, but please make sure your relationship is in a good and stable place before adding another child.
She is already gone
Yeah, don’t have a second kid until y’all get your shit together.
Why are you planning another kid with someone who is not on the same page as you about family time?
This won’t get better by adding another person into the mix.
WHY WOULD YOU PLAN TO BRING ANOTHER CHILD INTO THIS UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?!
Why do you want to have a second child with her if you are so unsure of everything right now?
NTA
learn to stand up for yourself. It might not end well, but you don’t have to be a doormat.
>We are planning on having a second child soon
>> We’ve had a very rocky last few years, filled with multiple moments where we almost separated, constant fighting, and a lack of respect and consideration. I feel very insecure about our relationship, and I’m sensitive when she takes time away from us
INFO – Why are you planning on having a second child?
YTA for wanting to bring another child into this mess.
NTA for your feelings. But do you really want to bring another child into a rocky relationship where you and your child are below her friends as a priority?
NTA Your wife doesn’t seem as invested in the relationship as you are
Your wife invited a buffer to your family vacation. FWIW, from everything you’ve said, you should not be adding another child to this situation. Instead of planning trips and babies to distract yourselves from the issues in your marriage, postpone the vacation and get some couples therapy.
NTA for not wanting your wife to unilaterally change the vibe on what was supposed to be a family vacation, but you have bigger fish to fry, my dude.
NTA
Cancel the vacation. Your wife hasn’t invited her friend just to ignore her. She has done this to avoid alone time with you.
So: Cancel the vacation, and spend the money on couple’s therapy instead to see if your marriager can be salvaged, and if not to find a way to end it peacefully.
NTA. Inviting another family on your vacation should have been discussed beforehand and should have been a “two yes, one no” situation.
Mate, she’s already checked out
It actually sounds like your wife is trying to avoid being alone with you 1-on-1. She doesn’t seem to want to have honest, raw talks that often evolve from these sorts of situations (just the two of you. No interruptions). I would try & get to the bottom of that prior to your holiday. Certainly put off the 2nd child until you get this sorted. If you/she doesn’t want to go to counseling then ask her to put her phone away so that you can have a frank & honest conversation (Be prepared for it to go in a direction that you’re not wanting it to). Best of luck.
I wouldn’t be happy with it, the same thing happened with us and then wife’s friend and her husband split up but friend and kids still came and tagged along with us constantly
NTA
… for disagreeing. Lots of opportunity to be one when you communicate this to her though.
YTA not for the vacation scenario but for bringing another child into your family. This post could’ve been written by my brother- his marriage wasn’t stable, they tried a vacation to reset, that didn’t work so they had another baby. Now they’re divorced and he only gets to see his kids 50% of the time and spends a fortune on child support. Work on your marriage before you add more children to your family!
She’s not interested or invested in this relationship. You can try and work on it but nothing will come out of a one way relationship.
NTA – this seems to be a much bigger issue than a vacation – man I have to ask, why are you planning on another kid? It does not sound at all like you guys are anywhere near the same page. It’s time to find a way to have a conversation about your relationship and priorities.
Please for the love of god, do not have a 2nd child. You cannot use a baby as a bandaid. Your marriage is in serious trouble and you need marriage counselling. You need to discuss why your wife feels the need to have her friend on holiday with you. It looks very much to me and some others I believe that she either isn’t safe in your presence or you are very self centred and only want the family to do what you want to do. OP wife if you see this, please get counselling immediately and a go bag.
NTA. But if the two of you have had a rocky time of it lately, is bringing another child into a relationship with challenges the best decision right now? What about couples counseling? Have the two of you done that? A child is not a cure all or a band-aid. Y’all need to fix your relationship first before you have another kid (if your wife is not already pregnant).
NTA for what you wrote about. That being said. Your marriage has a lot of problems; so ESH to you and your wife for even THINKING about having another kid.
The two of you have an awful lot to work on you should not even be thinking of another kid until you figure out your issues, and get them fixed.
Cancel your reservations without informing her. Book other reservations.
When she discovers the new destination on departure day, tell her you wanted to surprise her. If she doesn’t like the surprise, ask her how she feels about you not communicating this idea to her. If she persists, offer to cancel the vacation and say that you probably should spend the money on couples’ counseling. Investigate now how much is refundable day of.
In therapy, ask her if she feels you changed the destination without informing her because you expected she wouldn’t agree to it. If she says yes, ask her how that makes her feel.
NTA, Cancel this reservation and make one somewhere else. Let your wife know this is a FAMILY ONLY vacation.
You’ve had a rocky relationship for several years, nearly separated on multiple occasions, don’t feel secure in the relationship, have trouble communicating with each other, etc., etc., etc.
Why in Dog’s name would you want to bring a second child into the world under these circumstances? Isn’t one child with unhappy parents enough? Do you want to pay child support for two kids?
Think, dude. Maybe cancel the vacation and put that money toward some intense counseling, because you are only a step or two away from divorce.
NTA – Based on the issues you haven’t resolved yet, I suggest holding off on baby #2. Bringing another child into this situation isn’t going to fix things between you and your wife. It doesn’t even sound like she likes you if she’s constantly ignoring you.
NTA but a second kid doesn’t sound like a good idea. Your wife is not invested in your marriage and it sounds like she doesn’t want to spend too much time with you.
YTA. First you and your wife obviously don’t communicate if you’re presuming her reasons for things. Second, you think adding another person to your dumpster fire of a marriage is a good idea. Third, your focus is on the least of your problems. Get a grip.
YTA because if you’re feeling insecure in your relationship with your wife then the last thing you need to do is have another child. What you need to do is attend couple counselling and figure out your partnership.
YWifes TA for not having a conversation with you about inviting her friends. She’s bringing them as a buffer because she doesn’t want all that alone time with you. Again, don’t have another child, get some counselling.
ESH You’re planning to have another child when you’re insecure about your relationship. She should have asked you about her friend first. But you’re also being grossly clingy about this.
> We’ve had a very rocky last few years, filled with multiple moments where we almost separated, constant fighting, and a lack of respect and consideration. I feel very insecure about our relationship,
WHY would you bring another child into this unstable relationship?
NTA. Your wife prioritizes her friends over you, which is pretty shitty of her.
I might as well say fuck it, I’ll just treat this vacation as quality time with my kid and prioritize them, and not put any care into what she wants to do.
I think that’s a great plan. Make your own activities with your child and go do them, with or without your wife. Fuck her. She can tag along with her friend’s family. Don’t waste one minute of your vacation appeasing her. She doesn’t deserve it.
Nta but Why are you planning on having another child with someone who doesn’t seem that interested in being around you?
Your wife invites others on purpose. Not asking you is a jerk move. Now yo the harder discussion, please don’t add another child into your already struggling marriage. That is cruel. You two need yo agree to marital counseling before anything else.
I think you two need counseling. I’d broach the subject with her.
NTA, but please don’t have another child with this woman.
Cancel the vacation. Cancel the 2nd baby. And schedule couples and individual counseling. Vacation won’t bring you closer together when she goes behind your back and gets friends to book at the same time.
You need to find out why your marriage is failing and if you both want to fix it, or just start talking to lawyers
nta I’m a woman and would be pissed if my husband did something like this.
Surely another child will make this better!
ESH
NTA but it is time for therapy not another child! Seems like your wife wants a buffer from you on this vacation while you want time with your wife. You are not on the same page.
I’d tell her exactly that second to last paragraph. Except don’t say anything after the fuck it part lol. But your feelings are totally valid and I would feel the same.
Talk to her and come from a place of expressing yourself clearly without blame so you can be met with compassion and understanding.
That “lack of respect and consideration” you mentioned is not improving as this is exactly what’s happening here. If you all haven’t tried couples counseling you should, because whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working. It seems she is actively trying to spend less time alone with you. Do not bring another child into a broken marriage. Fix your issues now because another child will only make things worse. That’s more drama, more strain, more potential child support payments, more kids to withhold from you when this all comes crashing down. She is making big decisions about your time without consulting you. This will only get worse when you separate/divorce. This won’t end well.
Based on the facts presented NTA.
The first thing I would do, cancel that order for a second baby. You two have some work to do and adding another child to a rocky relationship is not a good idea.
I also think an open honest conversation needs to be had as to why she invited her friend.
Honestly it sounds like both of you are the AH. You’re not communicating. You feel neglected. You’re not close anymore. Why are you bringing another child into this shit show? Sit down with your wife and actually have a conversation. Figure out how to move forward, therapy has to be on the table if you guys are going to stay together. Otherwise, shake hands and walk away.
Clearly communication is an issue with you two. Put a hold on baby #2. Talk to your wife. Maybe cancel the trip and put the money towards couples counseling.🤷🏻♀️
NTA
You use the work “likely,” a lot. There is so much assumption on your part, it is obvious you haven’t discussed anything with your wife. 1) talk to her about your feelings. 2) ask her about her feelings and why she didn’t want a vacation with just the three of you, and 3) DO NOT have another child without serious marriage counseling first. Your marriage is too tumultuous to bring a baby into the mix.
Don’t have another child. NTA but the way you’ve described your marriage, a baby is the last thing you should do.
As for the holiday, it won’t be a family one at all.
You have to wonder why your wife invited them. That act speaks volumes
ESH
Listen if this relationship is as rocky as you have stated & you are worried this vacation is going to hurt the relationship; why are yall having a second baby? Yall are not communicating with each other.
I understand why your wife might bring it up with her friend due to having a second baby & a toddler. I see why you are upset. You both need to make more time with each other, consider couple’s counseling.
“She expected I wouldn’t agree to it.” This tells you all you need to know. The fact that you want to repair the relationship is an excellent first step. Let her mistake slide this time, but do get into couples therapy. Divorce is very hard on children, and you two should do what you can to salvage the marriage. Good luck to you, and try to have a good time on this vacation.
By the way, you are not the a-hole.