My dad died when I (23f) was 7 after having cancer for 5 years. I remember him but a lot of those memories are so bittersweet. I was 9 when my mom met my stepdad and I was 13 when they got married. To me he was always more mom’s husband than my parent or father figure and he and I do not agree on most stuff (politics, general life stuff and religion) so I never felt very close to him or had much of a fondness for him. I bring this up because my mom and stepdad are unhappy with my decision to have my parents wedding portrait on display in my new place with my boyfriend but not one from their wedding. My boyfriend has his parents wedding portrait up there too. We each chose the one that was used most from our memories. My boyfriend lost his parents so it’s also kind of a memorial for us even though mom is alive.
I’ll be honest I don’t care enough about the marriage between my mom and stepdad to want to display their wedding in my house. But I like to look back at my dad being healthy and my parents happy.
My mom was bothered way less than my stepdad. My boyfriend and I had a small house warming which is when they saw it and my stepdad mentioned it 6 times during the house warming. 5 of those times to me, 2 of those times to my boyfriend and once to a few others who were there. He said it was an act of disrespect toward him to display one and not the other. And he told me it hurt because he feels like he’s been more of a dad to me than my dad got to be but here I am idealizing someone I lost over a decade ago. He said he’s always been respectful of us remembering and missing dad but that’s just saying he doesn’t matter. I held my tongue but I wanted to tell him he matters to mom not me.
Mom’s only comment was that it was a shame I didn’t consider how it would come across but she said it was nice to see the little display we had for the two photos and she hadn’t seen the photo in a decade herself. But my stepdad told me I ruined my own house with that photo.
AITA?
Comments
NAH
He’s been in your life for a decade. He’s allowed to feel something about you not including him in the family portraits in your home.
Nta step-dad gets no say in how you decorate. Im petty so id let him know if your dad was alive, you wouldn’t even know him
NTA. It’s your house you can display whatever the hell you want.
Your stepdad was not a father figure , you respect him as your moms husband but he is not important enough for you and neither is his marriage with your mom for you to be forced to display a picture of it on your house to calm down his temper tantrum.
Your parents wedding picture have a huge meaning to you as it’s literally the representation of the union if two people you love the most and as you said you get to see how healthy and happy your dad was on it .
Your stepdad can kicks rocks if he is mad about it , he can display a huge picture of his own wedding at his and your mom place for all I care .
NTA. You’re honoring your father, the one you actually remember and loved. Your stepdad doesn’t get to demand equal emotional real estate just because he’s been around longer. If he wanted a closer relationship, he should’ve built one instead of policing your grief.
NTA. They don’t get a say what you do in your place.
NTA I always find it amazing that a person feels they have a right to say how someone else decorates their own home.
Tell your step dad to take a walk. You didn’t ruin anything- he did by whining! NTA
Updateme!
NTA
“I held my tongue but I wanted to tell him he matters to mom not me.”
This would have been the best response, actually. Do not hold your tongue in the future! Your mother’s husband obviously doesn’t, so why should you?
Edit to add nta.
NTA
If a picture of your mom and dad offends him so much, he doesn’t have to come over you your house anymore.
Its your home, but you made a choice in also not having a recent photo of your mom that includes your stepdad. You knew he would be coming over. Why did you do that? It sounds like you wanted to hurt him, and you did.
As an adult, you made a choice – that is your right – but consequences from your actions will be on you as well. No more happy family dinners. No more extra step dad money when you want it. Your mom will look at you in a new light – and not a proud, happy one. That’s life. Good luck with treating people that way.
Nta, and step dad can stay away then for good.
NTA
Tell your mom that her husband is not your parent. He is simply her husband. You have your parents’ wedding photo up because you are a product of THAT union.
She is free to decorate her home however she chooses. She doesn’t get a vote in how you decorate your home.
Without knowing how he interacted with you throughout your childhood, he has every right to feel hurt by his lack of presence in your home. You also have every right not to keep a reminder of him in your home.
My step-father and I were complete opposites. I disagreed with just about every thing he believed in and he tried his best to convince my mom to kick me out of the house when I was in college.
Despite that, I still recognized what he did in my life. The things he helped fund, coming to plays/musicals I was in, so many instances of my mothers husband trying his best. I never saw him as a father but I appreciated the role he did have.
Just because you dont like the guy and wouldn’t be friends, can you look back and genuinely say he just treated you like his wife’s kid, or he did his best?
I say keep your home the way you want it, but if you have literally no photos of him at all I can see why his feelings would be hurt. You owe him nothing but if he was never a dick to you, just not your cup of tea in beliefs, then maybe have 1 photo of him and your mom together somewhere? Doesn’t have to be prominent 🤷♂️
NTA. No one gets a say what pictures go on display in YOUR home. You wanted a picture of your parents… there is nothing wrong with that. I do see how stepfather might feel slighted, but he should keep it to himself.
I bet if you’d put his photo up there he’d be claiming that you want him dead and that’s why you put him on a memorial wall. 🤦🏽♀️
NTA- Tell them not to come over if it’s that big of a deal to them. This was not something that they even needed to bring up.
NTA