My best friend (29F) recently got married. I (30F) have been her bridesmaid for about a year now, partaking in bridesmaids duties. Her and I have been close friends for several years. During our friendship, I moved to the other side of the country and am now a 6 hour flight away with a three hour time difference.
Her wedding took place on a Saturday. On Thursday, my cat, started acting strange but I didn’t think much of it. On Friday, I decided I had to take my cat to the vet. The vet said she had a kidney infection and that it was serious and that my cat would need to be hospitalized. I was terrified that she would die.
After going back and forth with myself (and my fiance) for hours, I made the truly difficult decision to call my friend on Friday and tell her I can’t make it to the wedding. When I told my friend, she said I should take care of my cat. I asked her if she was mad and she said “I don’t know how to feel.” I love my friend, but I needed to stay here to be with her. It’s heart wrenching to think about my cat needing me and me being too far away to come. I’m all she has.
Of course I felt incredibly guilty missing the wedding and I still feel awful about the decision. I didn’t make the decision lightly.
On the morning of the wedding, I sent her a text saying I hope the wedding goes well and that I’m happy she’s marrying her partner. She said “ok thanks”. I haven’t reached out since because I wanted to give her space and have her come to me.
Two weeks have gone by, and she texted me this morning (a little heated). She asked me how my cat was and I said she’s ok. She was hospitalized for a few days and is now at home. She told me that she disagreed with my decision. I told her that I’m so sorry and feel awful about missing the wedding. I told her I love her and continuously apologized. She asked me if I regret my decision and I said no.
She asked me why my fiance couldn’t handle it and I told her that it’s ultimately my cat and I want to be nearby if anything were to take a turn for the worse.
One of the other bridesmaids texted me the morning of the wedding (8am) asking me if I could take a later flight and miss the wedding but come to the reception (which started at 6pm). I said it was too late. Again, I’m 6 hours away with a 3 hour time change. I don’t know if there was a direct flight that would’ve gotten me in on time.
My friend told me that people “volunteered” to her they would not have made the same decision as me and that what I did was “fucked up”. I didn’t know my cat would be OK until Saturday at 11am. At that point, it was too late. Again, I could not leave my cat if she needed me. I would never expect anyone in my life to abandon their animal.
So, I was surprised when she said she wouldn’t have made the same decision as me. That she would have left her dog to be at my wedding if the roles were reversed. So Reddit – am I the asshole?
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My best friend (29F) recently got married. I (30F) have been her bridesmaid for about a year now, partaking in bridesmaids duties. Her and I have been close friends for several years. During our friendship, I moved to the other side of the country and am now a 6 hour flight away with a three hour time difference.
Her wedding took place on a Saturday. On Thursday, my cat, started acting strange but I didn’t think much of it. On Friday, I decided I had to take my cat to the vet. The vet said she had a kidney infection and that it was serious and that my cat would need to be hospitalized. I was terrified that she would die.
After going back and forth with myself (and my fiance) for hours, I made the truly difficult decision to call my friend on Friday and tell her I can’t make it to the wedding. When I told my friend, she said I should take care of my cat. I asked her if she was mad and she said “I don’t know how to feel.” I love my friend, but I needed to stay here to be with her. It’s heart wrenching to think about my cat needing me and me being too far away to come. I’m all she has.
Of course I felt incredibly guilty missing the wedding and I still feel awful about the decision. I didn’t make the decision lightly.
On the morning of the wedding, I sent her a text saying I hope the wedding goes well and that I’m happy she’s marrying her partner. She said “ok thanks”. I haven’t reached out since because I wanted to give her space and have her come to me.
Two weeks have gone by, and she texted me this morning (a little heated). She asked me how my cat was and I said she’s ok. She was hospitalized for a few days and is now at home. She told me that she disagreed with my decision. I told her that I’m so sorry and feel awful about missing the wedding. I told her I love her and continuously apologized. She asked me if I regret my decision and I said no.
She asked me why my fiance couldn’t handle it and I told her that it’s ultimately my cat and I want to be nearby if anything were to take a turn for the worse.
One of the other bridesmaids texted me the morning of the wedding (8am) asking me if I could take a later flight and miss the wedding but come to the reception (which started at 6pm). I said it was too late. Again, I’m 6 hours away with a 3 hour time change. I don’t know if there was a direct flight that would’ve gotten me in on time.
My friend told me that people “volunteered” to her they would not have made the same decision as me and that what I did was “fucked up”. I didn’t know my cat would be OK until Saturday at 11am. At that point, it was too late. Again, I could not leave my cat if she needed me. I would never expect anyone in my life to abandon their animal.
So, I was surprised when she said she wouldn’t have made the same decision as me. That she would have left her dog to be at my wedding if the roles were reversed. So Reddit – am I the asshole?
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> I (bridesmaid) dropped out of my friends wedding the day before — I hurt her and caused issues with the wedding planning
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Look, I’m a cat person. Always have been. I have 4 cats right now. But if I had to choose between being in a friend’s wedding or staying with my cat when said cat had another human to care for it, I would choose the friend.
So yeah, I think YTA.
YTA
I googled the average lifespan of a cat, and it is anywhere between 13 and 20 years.
When your cat dies (old hopefully), you will be left with the remorse of missing the wedding of your ex-best friend, and burning a bridge with someone you cherished over an animal being sick.
I don’t think you need to be blamed here. Remorse will do its thing.
It was an impossible situation. I’m going to say YTA because you expected her to come groveling to you. But there’s no perfect solution to cat-vs.-wedding.
Apologize profusely. Make sure she knows your cat is part of your family. Arrange the nicest possible gift you can afford/have time for. But don’t be sorry you chose the cat. If the cat had died, you would have been a mess at the wedding.
NAH. It was a difficult decision and had the cat died you would’ve felt inconsolable and guilty. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Either she gets over it or she doesn’t.
You ata for even asking if yata in this situation. Yes, yata. Doubly so if you were maid of honor
First, I’m glad your cat is ok – things like this are scary when they come on fast. That said –
ESH. You more so than her.
You could have/should have left your cat with your fiancé. I’m assuming you would trust him to make the right calls should things have turned for the worse, and you could hopefully find peace should your cat have passed knowing your fiancé did everything he could to take care of her. Dropping out of the wedding less than 24hrs before as a part of the wedding party was fucked up, I agree with your friend there. You even said your cat was in the hospital for a few days, so why did you need to be there when your fiancé could have just as easily did what you did – sat at home and waited for updates.
However, her texting you two weeks later to vent at you is also fucked up. By that point, she needed to have addressed this with you already, or moved the fuck on. Bringing up what other people said at the wedding, and coming at you from a place of anger after two weeks is an AH move. I get that weddings are stressful, and she may have been out on a honeymoon, but her actions come off as petty and passive aggressive instead of trying to express to you her hurt feelings and maintain any kind of friendship.
ESH
You should of had your fiancé handle the cat
I could get it if you had no one to look after the cat but you literally had the perfect person right there
NTA
I would have done exactly the same as you. I know you didn’t make that decision lightly. My cats are family.
NTA
Doesn’t matter if I’m getting married or not, if my friends think to leave their possibly dying pet for 24h to come to my wedding, I’d kick them back home.
I’d sooner cancel my wedding over my cat than having her die when I’m not there. Then again, to me marriage is only an expensive piece of paper legally stating what you already know; you love one another and want to stay together.
I’ll vote NTA. I understand that the bride was upset and perceives you chose “an animal” over her. She’s probably spent a lot of time and emotional investment in dreaming of her “perfect day.” But people are allowed to have priorities, and make choices that they need to make for their own mental health. Pets are usually one of the family, and the bond we share with them makes our lives better. I can’t imagine the sadness and guilt you would have felt had the cat gotten worse or died while you were out at what is essentially a really expensive party. You probably would have forever associated your friend with your cat’s death, had it gone that way.
NTA
Maybe a difficult spot to be in, but I would have picked my friend over the cat. At least if I valued the relationship at all.
This is a tough one. I don’t blame you, though. She thinks YTA – she probably doesn’t have the same feelings about pets as you do. You do not think you are the asshole because that cat is your family. Who cares what WE think? In the end, it’s what you believe is right for you and your family. No one has the right to put a value on your cat. That’s for you to decide. I would have done the same as you if it were any of my pups.
NTA.
I see all these comments saying “you had someone else to look after your cat” and “I love cats but I would choose my friend over my pet who might be dying”. The cat is part of the family. If you were to have a grandpa or a brother or something dying would they choose them over the friends wedding? Obviously. It’s the same thing. My cat is so important to me and I wouldn’t leave her alone if I thought she might die or when she is in so much pain. Your cat needs you. Your cat is family and you thought she might die. NTA, OP.
Does the timing such? Obviously. But I agree with your decision and I would have made the same one and as disappointed as your friend is and would be, if they truly were your friend and new how important and how much you loved the cat, they would understand.
Apologize, but not for the decision you made. For the crappy timing and the sadness for not being there.
NTA.
Seems like your fiance could have handled this. From now on you need to let people know you’re unable to truly commit to anything as you’ll bail if your cat gets sick. Make sure they know you’ll treat it with the same seriousness as you would a child dying. That way people can decide whether to give you important roles knowing they might be let down.
YTA
NTA, I’m kinda surprised by all the Y-T-A? From what you described, it sounds like you didn’t know if your cat would even be alive to come back to if you had gone to the wedding.
I would be willing to miss almost anything if it means I can spend time with my pet in its potential last moments and give it comfort. My pet is family. Idk, I guess different people have different priorities. If your cat had passed (and I’m glad to hear she’s okay!), would they be reacting the same way?
YTA
YTA – While you were in a really difficult situation, everyone sees their pets in a different way. For your friend, she got cancelled on at the last minute on top of the normal stress of a wedding to then find out your cat was fine. As she wasn’t there and it’s not her pet – she won’t be able to understand how serious and scary it was for you. You should’ve made more of an effort to apologise. It’s circumstantial and it’s understandable what you did, but it’s important now that you apologise for the collateral effect that had on your friend.
YTA – You literally weren’t with the cat. Were there visiting hours you were afraid to miss at the cat hospital?
Was your fiancé not invited to the wedding?
YTA. I have had cats and dogs my whole life and love them like crazy and would do anything for them. That being said, you had a perfect person to help you in this situation and take care of your cat, your fiancé. If you trust him enough to marry him, you should be able to trust him with your cat.
I get that it would’ve been very hard to be away if something happened, but that is life, sometimes awful things happen at very inconvenient times. There was nothing you could’ve done to control the outcome of your cat living or not and you being present didn’t change anything. However, you being not present at your friend’s wedding as a bridesmaid with no notice or opportunity to replace you is really sucky and negatively impacted her wedding.
YTA. I get that you love your cat, I love all my animals too, but you did have someone else there that could have handled the cat situation while you went to the wedding. You didn’t need to be gone long so I’m sure your fiance could have handled the situation.
Instead, you choose to abandon your best friend with approximately 24 before her wedding. And then expected her to come groveling to you, like she owed you forgiveness. When in reality, you should have been the one groveling for forgiveness.
I don’t blame her for telling you her opinion two weeks after. She shouldn’t be forced to ruin her happiness the day of her own wedding and her honeymoon just because you chose a cat over a person.
Edited because autocorrect kept deciding that you choose car lol
NTA. Even though your fiancé was there, the cat is your cat, and her care was best handled by you. No fault of your own you landed in a no one situation and you made the right decision. Lots of people think that pets are like toys. They just don’t understand.
As someone else said apologize profusely (even though an apology should not be necessary) and send her a lavish gift if you want to try to maintain the friendship.
(I would not want to be her dog.)
YTA. Your partner could have taken care of things for ONE day. I’d be pissed if I was the bride.
I mean yeah YTA here, but sometimes making the right choice for yourself means being the AH to other people.
This is a really awful situation to be put in. I think people are going to vote based on 1) the importance they put on pets and 2) the importance they place on weddings. Not everyone thinks cats or weddings are a big deal.
As someone getting married soon who also has a pet I love deeply, I think YTA and you should have tried to go. Your fiance should have stayed back to handle your cat. If you are engaged to this person, you should trust them to make the right call with important decisions like watching over your pet.
From your friend’s perspective: you bailed on the most important day of her life for your cat. While I can 100% understand where you are coming from, there is a big possibility that she thinks you might have lied to get out of it, and that is what is making her feel angry/resentful. The timing is REALLY bad and there’s just no way imo that you don’t look like the AH here even though it’s technically not your fault.
NTA…yes friend has every right to get sad, maybe a little angry for a moment. But she acted selfish and asked her other friends to send you negative messages.
I don’t have pets but I understand that pets are family for their owners.
So what if one person missed the wedding, life is way bigger than a party.
A true friend would understand, she is selfish and doesn’t care about you.
Listen I am a cat person, I love my cats but if I had to choose between being in my friends wedding and waiting at home while the cat was in the hospital while I could do nothing AND I had a fiance at home who was ready to help if worse case scenario happened . . . I would be in my friends wedding! She’s a human being. She’s your best friend and this is one of the biggest days of her life.
NTA
Eh, close but NAH. She can feel upset but I get being concerned about your pet. Tell your friend you will for sure make it to her next wedding
NTA kitty’s health would take priority for me, too. my beloved kitty passed from kidney issues and it’s a horrible thing. I understand being scared and wanting to be nearby. my cat very much knew who I was v. my fiancé …so yes, in your shoes, your fiancé could’ve taken care of him, but kitty probably would’ve been more distressed, and you would’ve felt so bad not being with him. you probably wouldn’t have forgiven yourself if he had died while you were off celebrating. luckily your kitty is ok!
i’m guessing the people who told you they wouldn’t have made the same choice either have never faced it or aren’t the best pet owners…
YTA Your fiance could have taken care of the cat for one day while you showed up for your friend. You are definitely in the wrong here imo
NTA. If your cat died while you were at the wedding you would live with that for the rest of your life. Your fiance could have handled the hospitalization, but he is not you, its your cat, and of your cat would of had a turn, it is not the same as you being there. Also, you would not have been fun at the wedding if you went. I am guessing you would have been checking in with your fiance constantly about your cat. Which I am sure the bride would not appreciate either. The bride’s comments show a serious lack of empathy. It seems like the bride thought if you came you would give her your undivided attention and act like everything was great, which is just unrealistic. You let her have her day, and not take any attention away from her.
NTA. NTA. NTA. Your cat is your family, and you would not have been able to live with yourself if you weren’t there when she needed you the most. Like others here, I am surprised by how many would have gone to the wedding, especially those who have animals. They aren’t accessories. They are living beings who depend on us. You did the right thing.
NTA. You thought there was a chance your pet could die, and you did what you had to do. I’m shocked there’s people who disagree in this comments section who disagree? They’d be understanding if it was a human family member in the hospital, surely…
NTA
I do not even have pets but i have a lot of friends who do and i know they all love them with their whole hearts. I would not ask my friend who is anxious scared or possibly getting ready for the death of their animal to come to my wedding. I would be sad they would not be able to attend, but i can never see myself holding a grudge for something that was out of your control especially since you live so far away from the wedding location. I would at most ask you to make it up to me.
YTA.
You sitting in your house while your cat was at the vet did nothing for your cat.
You bailing on the wedding that you committed to attend months ago for an actual human was very hurtful to the human.
I hope your cat is there for you in 30 years when you need a friend.
You made the right decision. Stop second guessing yourself. Your cat is your family and that trumps a wedding. Happy your cat is better. I would do the same for my dogs.
Losing a member of the bridal party shouldn’t be a big deal. Stuff happens and the bride just needed to work around it. NTA.
YTA. Your fiance was perfectly capable of handling things.
I understand where you are coming from, But ditching a wedding with 24h heads up for a sick cat when someone else is there to handle things AND the cat is in the hospital is…a lot.
I dont think you are bad or anything, but also if i was your friend i would never trust you with anything ever again
How old is the cat?
YTA- your fiancé could’ve handled it and your cat was in the hospital, which means you weren’t with it and I miss out on a life event for your friend.
NTA, weddings aren’t a life or death matter. Your cat is family and needed you. People saying your fiancé could be trusted to make decisions, sure, but you wanted to be there for the pet you love. I would want my friend to stay with their pet if I was the bride. It sucks to be in that situation, but if you had relented to pressure and your cat had died that could have damaged the friendship too.
This is a tough one but the finance was available and if this is your best friend the cat could have been watched for 24 hrs with a 3 hr time difference. However, totally get you wanted to make sure your cat was ok and didn’t die. Some do not realize our fur babies are like children. To someone looking out it’s definitely looks like the animal is way more important than your best friend as if the animal is an human type of side eye. But I truly think it cost you your friendship. My cousin wife asked me to sing at her wedding I was in South America I took 2 plans trying to get there because I totally forgot about the wedding but I had wedding attire which I’m so glad about. So I got there to the wedding on time song practiced etc. when I got there she before the wedding started she said oh your not singing. I wanted to slap all the makeup off her face because I could have stayed in South America. I’m still cool with my cousin but his wife she can’t say shit to me nothing!!!!! I won’t start conversation with her matter of fact I avoid them. That pissed me off to the max I think I’m still mad about it today and that was like 3 years ago. So I know for a fact your friend will be mad about this for years. I would say find a new Bestfriend because this friendship is over. It’s 70/30 on the AH lol
YTA. Your fiancé could have handled this.
NTA. And your friend and mutual friends are stirring the pot with unnecessary vigor, so I would say they are a little bit being the a** here. The bottom line is that you would not have been able to function with grace if you were worrying continually about your furry family member.
However, you did not do your situation any favors by waiting so long to offer an apology. It is possible to know you’re doing the right thing and apologize for messing up someone’s wedding at the same time.
At this point you will just have to be patient and see if things blow over. You have now apologized and in the long run your friend shouldn’t let this be the end of your friendship.
I love my cat so, I get it. That being said, I think you may have ruined your friendship and I understand why. I can see from your friends perspective and realize how hurt she must feel. I would have had my fiance stay with my cat and gone to the wedding.
NAH, you made a choice and your friends is upset about it which are both reasonable, non-AH ways of being. The only caveat is that you should have realized that the choice you made was making it pretty clear to your friend that you valued your emotional comfort over your friendship with her.
Don’t get me wrong, I have cats who are very much members of my family. But unlike a human family member, I can’t visit my cat when he’s hospitalized, he’s unable to contact me during his hospitalization, and his emotional needs are so wholly different that it’s not comparable to another adult member of my family being hospitalized. Let alone the fact that a cat is not a person. You being in town for the cat was about you and was for your benefit, not the cat’s. It is disingenuous to say otherwise because your fiance could have stayed home to field vet calls/make decisions, etc. And the absolute worst case scenario – that the cat just fell over dead – would still happen while the cat was hospitalized and you were not there ‘at the bedside’ regardless of if you were 10 minutes or 10 hours away. I’m not saying you made the wrong choice! If you had gone you probably would have been an anxious mess and if the cat had died you might have hated yourself for having gone to the wedding. But at least be honest with yourself about the voice you made – you chose to stay home and comfort yourself over being there to care for your friend. That’s a pretty big blow to the friendship even if your friend is a pet person who gets it, and an absolute gut punch if she’s not/doesn’t get it.
Where you messed up most was deciding to “let her come to” you. You should have been all over that shit–immediate, profuse, repeated apologies, flowers. Seriously, silence from you? Yikes.
YTA.
The vet didn’t say your cat was going to die, it just said it was serious. You also debated about it for hours before deciding. You could have told her right away that you would watch and decide. People don’t usually stay in an animal hospital with their pets. Also, did you plan to go ahead of time to the wedding? Or just day of? That’s unusual for a bridesmaid. You didn’t seem invested to your friend and still expected her to come to you after everything was over.
NTA. A wedding with a bridesmaid missing will go on and frankly most people won’t notice. And being away from your very sick cat would just make you miserable. it is unfortunately you had to choose but you made the right choice for you.
Nah – you have the right to stay with your cat (very glad she’s alright!). She has the right to be mad you missed her wedding.
NAH. You were in an emergency situation and had to make a tough call. I’m not going to call you an asshole for that. In retrospect sure you could have gone but you didn’t know how things were going to turn out when you made the decision.
nta, and it’s crazy to see how many people lack empathy & rally don’t care about their pets.
Personally? I would have been pissed if I were your friend. You could have taken the first flight back home after the wedding and not missed much time with cat. If cat was hospitalized for a few days, that sounds like you couldn’t have been around the cat during the day of the wedding anyway? Assuming the cat was at an animal hospital during that time.
Definitely TA in my opinion
YTA. Your friendship is never going to recover from this. Your fiancé could have handled the situation. You could have gone to the wedding, supported your friend and then left early.
YTA. Your cat felt weird for approx 2 days. If the cat was hospitalized, chances are your cat was busy in surgery or whatever, and would’ve been “out of it” for a few days after. I’d be pissed at you too. Shed probably only care of sympathize if your cat actually crossed the rainbow bridge. But the cat is fine sooo… your friendship is likely over
NTA. People are way too precious about their wedding days and what it means to other people. A sick animal, especially a potential death, would take priority over any event, anyday – especially one across the country.
People saying YTA shouldn’t have pets.
NTA. My parents dog recently passed because of a kidney infection. She was literally acting just fine in the morning, and had to be put down by noon. Kidney infections are soooooooo tricky in animals, especially cats. Even if the fiancé could handle it, I wouldn’t have risked it either. Also, my husband is NOT an animal person and although I know he would do his best if any of our animals were ever to be hospitalized and I had to travel, I’d for sure cancel to take care of them, regardless of the event, because they are family and family comes first. He’d try his darnedest, but at the end of the day, they’re my animals. I signed up to care for them. I signed up to raise them. That’s my job as their owner. Also side note, seeing the YTA and NTA responses definitely shows the difference between animal people (especially those that have experience with super sick pets) and those who aren’t.
NTA for wanting to make sure your cat was okay. I’m sure you were scared and worried and you did what you felt was the best for you in the moment. You chose your pet over your friend and that’s okay but you have to accept the consequences that come with that.
YTA for expecting her to come to you. You abandoned your friend the day before her wedding – it is up to you to go to her and make amends and try to fix the situation. You should have gone to her and apologized again and wished her the best and come up with a plan to make it up to her and her husband. Be it a really really nice present or an experience or whatever you can afford.
NTA – if any of my cats became sick and had to stay with the vet, before an event? I’d stay home simply because I’d be almost non-functional outside of the house. My phone ringer would be on loud and I’d be imaging every worst scenario that I’d probably also burst into tears any minute.
Keeping composure would be hard in a place where everyone is having a good time, and most likely it sounds like the bride would have been upset if you’d even actively kept checking your phone for updates at any point during reception or during / after setup.
I’d almost think it’s bizzare that you’d be okay just leaving your sick pet behind for a party, but people are attached to their pets differently
YTA. Your fiancée could have handled it.
NAH. You made a justifiable choice in a tough situation. She’s allowed to be hurt and not forgive you.
I think you’re TA if you don’t understand why your friend is upset. You made a tough call, and I think most people would be pretty upset at having a bridesmaid drop out of their wedding last minute to be in the same city as a sick cat who ended up being completely fine. You can’t go back in time and change it now, but I think you should truly try to communicate to your friend that you’re sorry
YTA
I don’t think an AH label really fits this. In my opinion, if you are in my wedding party the ONLY excuses I would accept for dropping out at the last minute is if you were in a hospital bed possibly dying OR if a parent or sibling of yours was in a hospital bed possibly dying. Anything less than that will permanently damage the friendship. It might possibly end the friendship depending on if you have engaged in previous flaky behaviors before this. But I wouldn’t think you are an AH, I would just lower my opinion of you.
Nta!!! People are only saying Yta because the cat didn’t die. You had no idea if your baby would die or not. I’d rather be there for a dying family member than at a party, and I’m lucky I have friends who also have pets and would be empathetic and understanding if this happened.
You are NTA. Life is messy and sometimes there’s no perfectly good (or even just regular-good) answer; any decision you make will wind up hurting yourself and/or others. You made a perfectly defensible, reasonable choice. Your friend is milking it for far more than it’s worth.
NTA. Emergencies happen. It’s unfortunate.
This is tough and thinking of it in terms of my dog because I don’t have cats, but, YTA in my opinion. You missed your best friend’s wedding for what seems a minor procedure. I wouldn’t care if my friends missed my wedding cus I’m a guy but I would be annoyed if it was cus their cat or dog got sick and they didn’t think anyone else could help handle that for them.
Yes YTA.
I would probably have made the same decision as you but I wouldn’t have then ghosted my friend who I let down. YTA for that. It literally seems like you didn’t care at all.
NTA! I cannot believe people are saying anything else. Your cat could have died when you were gone. the vet said it was serious. Can you imagine if your cat died and you weren’t there? Yes, your fiance would have been there but it would have been horrible for you. IMO you did the right thing. Look at Eddie and Chooch on Instagram – Chooch died recently when Eddie was on vacation and it haunts him. I’m sure this friendship is over but whatever.
It’s a s***y thing to have happen with such short notice. I would’ve done the same but the bride has every right to feel the way she did. You cannot make people agree with you and you must accept some will be upset. Whatever they think they would’ve done in your shoes is their problem and not yours. NTA, imo.
Yta. I understand the emotions around a beloved pet but I don’t think it’s fair to bow out on such late notice when you have someone who could have cared for that responsibility (your fiancé)
I have pets that I love but they’re not as important as the people in my life.
YTA – it was an absolutely insane decision to choose your cat, who ended up being ok, over your best friend’s wedding. I love my dogs so so much but I would have never done what you did. I have lost pets in the past and it is terrible but you should have been there. You have to live with the damage you’ve done to this friendship. I don’t know if I would speak to you again if you were my best friend.
NTA I would have made the same decision. If your cat had passed while you were gone I’m positive you would feel more regret than missing a wedding.
The bride isn’t TA for feeling how she’s feeling and it sounds like she’s been mature in talking to you her feelings at least. The real AHs here are all the people stirring the pot because they don’t want to further upset the bride, so they’re agreeing with her and throwing you under the bus.
YTA and a massive one. Don’t marry your partner, he clearly isn’t worth the toilet paper you wipe with if you can’t trust him to take care of your cat. Seriously, both my dogs caught kennel cough last year and the same week I had a funeral out of state. My BOYFRIEND didn’t even consider letting me stay, he bought supplies, rugged the dogs up indoors and set up a temporary fence so they couldn’t run around without supervision!! He even bought a camera so I could keep an eye on them!!
You made up a lame excuse and didn’t really want to go, and you don’t deserve her friendship. If it truly is that your partner is a useless bag of trash then reflect on that before you consider a wedding, because no one in your friends life will respect him or you as a couple again.
As is so often the case, some of the comments here are wild, to me.
You are NTA. Weddings are important, but you had an emergency. The idea that you would be obligated to get on a plane while your pet was in the hospital is ludicrous, to me. I would’ve made the same choice 1000 times.
Does your friend have the right to be miffed for a minute? Sure. She wanted you to be there for her big day. She missed out on a part of that day because you weren’t there. Her feelings are valid and you should be sensitive to that (and it sounds like you are being sensitive to it).
But at some point, if she’s really your friend, she needs to respect that you did what you thought was right under the circumstances. You apologized profusely. You told her why you made the choice you made and why that was important to you. Whether or not she would’ve made the same choice (which, btw, is pretty easy for her to say when she isn’t in the situation) is 100% irrelevant. And even if you were in the wrong, you’ve tried to make it right.
I realize weddings are stressful, but I can’t imagine ever thinking my friend was in the wrong for doing what you did, much less holding a grudge and guilting them about it. Honestly – If she’s not past it after a reasonable time, I’d reevaluate this friendship.
YTA. You made a commitment to someone. Your fiancé could have easily taken care of … what? The hand-wringing while your cat was in a hospital being treated by professionals? There was no reason you couldn’t go. Your “friend” is right to be pissed.
YTA – I agree with her on why your fiancé could not handle the situation?
You were willing to sacrifice your human and longterm relationship, and if you were unwilling to pay that cost then you should have chosen differently.
Also, she had to come to you? You gave no thought to alternative ways to show up? You’re not a very good friend, and I do wonder if you’d be so cavalier and believe you needed to reach out if someone missed your weeding?
Info: Why couldn’t your fiancée watch the cat? I understand wanting to be there for your baby but it seems odd that the other adult in the house couldn’t handle it. It’s a tough situation and I can see both sides. Did the vet SAY she was in danger of dying or did you just feel like it?
NTA – I would have done the same thing.
NTA – A pet is family, end of story. You stayed behind to be with a family member when they were ill. I would have done the same.
NTA. Your friend is allowed to be upset, but she also should be understanding of your situation. That’s not a good friend.
NTA. No idea what planet the people that say you’re ta are on. Also its over now but the bride wants a weird pound of flesh from you after the fact where you need to say you regret your decision? I don’t think you’re missing much if this friendship doesn’t work out.
1.You were her bridesmaid for a year.
2. You drop out the day b4 because of a pet. It did not need you. You being there would have no effect on it either way. Your fiance could have let you know of your cat’s condition. I hope your cats is worth friendship. YTHA
All of these people saying YTA clearly lack empathy. Bride is allowed to be sad and disappointed, but OP couldn’t have known if her cat was going to die. I would have made the same choice without question. NTA OP.
YTA cause why are you marrying your fiancé if you don’t trust him to handle this? Your relationship with your friend is forever affected, maybe even over. If cat was hospitalized, what were you doing? Sitting at home? Do you not trust your vet to do whatever is necessary? Sounds more like you wanted a way out of the wedding and took it. Hope it was worth a friendship
YTA. It’s not like you were bedside with the cat in the hospital. She was in there and you missed a once in a lifetime moment with your friend. Something that impacted the entire plan and her finances. I just don’t understand what you were doing that whole time your cat was in the hospital for days. I have pets so I understand the worry and loving them but this just doesn’t add up.
NTA Cats are your family and if things go wrong you should be there with them.
People saying your TA clearly don’t understand the bond you can have with a cat or dog.
Kidney issues can go south pretty quickly with cats so I can totally understand you wanted to stay.
Updateme
My cat got sick after we had our yard sprayed for mosquitoes. The company swore it didn’t harm pets but that was the only difference. He was dehydrated and had to stay at the vet overnight. I didn’t have any plans to cancel, but when I picked him up the next morning and he heard my voice, he started meowing like crazy. The staff said he hadn’t made a sound all night but as soon as he heard his mom, he was letting everybody know he was happy I was there.
Your cat needed you even if you weren’t with him every second. And if something worse had happened, you would never have forgiven yourself. I’m not a big wedding person, so I never understand why people get upset just because someone can’t watch them exchange rings. Why a wedding has to be a command performance is beyond me, and just being present at their blessed event is weird. The food and alcohol are the reasons most people go anyway.
If you lose these people as friends, it’s not much of a loss. Your cat is better and that’s all you should care about. NTA
Lots of people here don’t have pets.
OP supported the friend throughout the entire process, and ultimately decided that a party isn’t as important as her family member.
I guarantee if OP went to that wedding and was scared or nervous or on the phone with her fiancee a lot, the friend would have been pissed
NTA. I would’ve made the exact choice you did a million times over. Even if I couldve gone to the wedding and had someone else to handle it, God knows I would’ve been out of my mind worrying and it would’ve made the whole wedding experience miserable. You had an EMERGENCY. Kidney issues with cats can very quickly go south and you’re not wrong for prioritizing that over a wedding.
NTA! NOT AT ALL! The friend that told you that’s fucked up is a major AH tho.
You didn’t know if your cat was gonna be ok and kidney problems are the most common health issues that end cats lives. Sure, you missed your friend’s wedding, but what would’ve happened if your cat died. I’d much rather live with the remorse of not attending a wedding than not being there when my baby had to leave and thinking I could’ve done something about it. And if your friends can’t understand that, then they just don’t understand how deeply people can love pets and lack empathy.
Normalize not pretending to be part of royalty and expect everyone to be at your service when you’re a bride!!!
I understand completely about the love of animals. Mine are like children.
I would say, soft YTA, only because the cat was actually hospitalized & you weren’t there, paw in hand with the cat anyway. Cat was in capable veterinary care & in the hospital.
You also had the backup of a present fiance who could have acted as your second had there been an emergency outside of veterinary care.
My heart breaks for you because aside from concern for kitty, you honestly care for your friend.
You were ALL your friend had on the “once in a lifetime event”. Now, you two may never mend this.
Im so sorry you had to make the choice though. I know it was gut wrenching.
NTA. This is actually not “a tough one” as many have commented. Your friend is valid in her feelings being hurt BUT, you are also valid in wanting to be home in case things went south. ANYONE who values their animals as family would do the same thing. It doesn’t matter if your husband was able to stay with your cat or not. If this was a human child, no one would bat an eye that both of you decided to stay home. They’d actually shame you if you decided to leave your child and husband for a wedding. This shouldn’t be a friendship ending situation.
NAH and honestly; you staying home was probably the best outcome here. Your friend gets to be upset you decided not to attend her wedding and stand up as her bridesmaid the day before her wedding, but that said – if you had gone, and your partner texted you during the wedding/reception that your cat had passed, or the vet called to tell you that, you might have collapsed into hysterics and now her entire wedding and reception is about consoling you and helping you get home ASAP.
It sucks you couldn’t be there and an emergency came up – but ignore everyone saying you’re the AH here, because your cat turning out okay is the only reason they feel confident to say so. If your cat HAD died, OR had to be put down, and you were anywhere else, the cat/animal lovers would’ve scorned you for abandoning your cat while she was so sick. Since your cat was okay, hindsight is 20/20 and everyone wants to say you should’ve attended the wedding.
But you didn’t know if your cat would be okay, and if you’d been at the wedding and your cat was not okay, you would’ve been the AH for “making the wedding about your dying/dead cat,” so truly, good that you stayed home.
And when your friend is ready to talk, I hope she’ll listen, and consider this perspective in which things didn’t go as well as they did, and accept that there was no right or wrong answer here. Only the both of you making the best choices you could during a personal emergency, and handling your emotions during it the best you can individually.
NTA. I’d have made the same decision as you. I’m sorry your friend couldn’t understand that, but it doesn’t make you wrong.
NTA and actually I feel like your friend is being a dick about it. You are responsible for the cat and if it had taken a turn for the worse, you’d feel terrible for not being there to say goodbye if it needed to be euthanized.
NTA
Doesn’t matter if my husband could “handle” the situation, I’m going to be there for my cat. If my friend has a problem with that we likely wouldn’t be close friends since all my friends treat their pets like part of the family and would understand.