I (22F) have been overweight my whole life. It’s been something I struggle with a lot because I have ADHD and would use food to balance my feelings a lot. At the same time I’ve always struggled with “food noise” where my mind is constantly thinking about my next meal or snacks. Not to try and excuse my weight, but it explains why I so easily got to where I am. I’m now working to lose weight with a dietitian and my bf supporting me the whole way. As of today I’ve lost 5lbs.
Yesterday, my parents drove across the country to visit everyone as most of my siblings attend the same college as me, and most the extended family lives here as well. Basically, I don’t see my parents often because they live so far away.
During dinner we were catching up. I talked about the projects I’ve done for school and how I joined my city’s women’s hockey team. I always wanted to do hockey and got the chance to so I was really excited. That’s when the comments from my mom started. She said that it was good I was doing a sport to “take off that college weight.” My mom has made comments my whole life, as a result I often hear her voice in my head talking about my weight whenever I workout or hit the ice. It’s gotten worse now that I’m putting more effort into my health.
I asked her to not mention my weight because it was not important. The night went on, my siblings and I joked about having to walk up the steep hill just to get to class. Then my mom said it would be easier to walk if I lost weight.
My mom and I started arguing with me telling her to stop talking about my weight and her defense was that she was worried about my health. Here’s where I may be TA. I said “why should I buy you anything if you’re just going to die anyways?”
The context for that question comes from when I was 16. I needed new jeans due to regular wear and tear, on the drive to the store my mom kept going on and on about my weight. She asked if I cared about living or dying, then asked that question. I remember that drive vividly even 6 years later.
She looked confused so I repeated myself and the context for it. She got upset and my grandparents looked shocked. Even my dad. I continued, stating that I’ve always hated myself and my weight and I’m desperately trying to love myself without constantly hearing her voice in my head. That I don’t talk to her because I know she’s always going to find a way to make the conversation about my weight.
I got up and left, crying the whole way home. Instead of digging into some ice cream my bf took me for a walk around a nearby park and held me while I cried. I finally explained the whole context to him and he was angry because I’ve never fully explained my weight issues from my past. It was really reassuring because my mom would often say I’d never find love with my weight.
Ever since then my phone has been blowing up with texts from family.
AITA?
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I (22F) have been overweight my whole life. It’s been something I struggle with a lot because I have ADHD and would use food to balance my feelings a lot. At the same time I’ve always struggled with “food noise” where my mind is constantly thinking about my next meal or snacks. Not to try and excuse my weight, but it explains why I so easily got to where I am. I’m now working to lose weight with a dietitian and my bf supporting me the whole way. As of today I’ve lost 5lbs.
Yesterday, my parents drove across the country to visit everyone as most of my siblings attend the same college as me, and most the extended family lives here as well. Basically, I don’t see my parents often because they live so far away.
During dinner we were catching up. I talked about the projects I’ve done for school and how I joined my city’s women’s hockey team. I always wanted to do hockey and got the chance to so I was really excited. That’s when the comments from my mom started. She said that it was good I was doing a sport to “take off that college weight.” My mom has made comments my whole life, as a result I often hear her voice in my head talking about my weight whenever I workout or hit the ice. It’s gotten worse now that I’m putting more effort into my health.
I asked her to not mention my weight because it was not important. The night went on, my siblings and I joked about having to walk up the steep hill just to get to class. Then my mom said it would be easier to walk if I lost weight.
My mom and I started arguing with me telling her to stop talking about my weight and her defense was that she was worried about my health. Here’s where I may be TA. I said “why should I buy you anything if you’re just going to die anyways?”
The context for that question comes from when I was 16. I needed new jeans due to regular wear and tear, on the drive to the store my mom kept going on and on about my weight. She asked if I cared about living or dying, then asked that question. I remember that drive vividly even 6 years later.
She looked confused so I repeated myself and the context for it. She got upset and my grandparents looked shocked. Even my dad. I continued, stating that I’ve always hated myself and my weight and I’m desperately trying to love myself without constantly hearing her voice in my head. That I don’t talk to her because I know she’s always going to find a way to make the conversation about my weight.
I got up and left, crying the whole way home. Instead of digging into some ice cream my bf took me for a walk around a nearby park and held me while I cried. I finally explained the whole context to him and he was angry because I’ve never fully explained my weight issues from my past. It was really reassuring because my mom would often say I’d never find love with my weight.
Ever since then my phone has been blowing up with texts from family.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m thinking I’m the AH because I could’ve handled the situation better. I always expected I’d either never bring this stuff up with my mom or that it would be brought up in a controlled environment like a therapist office or something. I feel bad for exploding especially because I think I ruined my parents trip.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your mom needs to stop verbally abusing you about your weight, and either hold her nasty opinions to herself, or help you with controlling your diet like a normal, supportive parent would. She seems to enjoy tearing your self-confidence down ever since you were a minor. That is abuse and you don’t have to stand for it. You bit back this time, and it seems like your mom had that coming for a long time. If she can’t take it, she shouldn’t dish it out.
NTA tell your mom she is behaving in a despicable way
Also: awesome that you lost the 5lbs. Keep going, you got this! 💪
(are you using fidgets btw? I’m neurodivergent as well and I find they help me with anxiety/depression-related overeating and food noise. It can take a bit to find the right type of fidget that “clicks” for your brain. They didn’t do anything for me, until I found magnetic fidgets)
Mom likes to dish it out, but she can’t take it. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Do not feel guilty or let your family make you feel guilty.
Good for you and NTA. Your mother made herself look bad. She was picking on you and you stood up to her, which is a scary thing to do. Congratulations on standing your ground and look at your shiny spine!
Not at all! You say you’ve been overweight your whole life and I feel like your mother should try to understand you well enough that she doesn’t bring up weight a ton. She should respect you and that’s not what she’s doing. No matter what weight a person is, they deserve to be understood, especially by a parent/family member.
Side note – I’m 19 and I totally feel what you said about vividly remembering things said, even years later. I’m a dancer so I’ve been insecure about my weight for years and I keep hearing so far in college about how everyone gains weight (I think specifically 15 pounds usually is what I hear). I don’t understand how people in general in the years following college feel comfortable making comments on ‘losing that college weight’ when so many people gain weight in college.
And ignoring my tangent, I don’t think that you are TA, your mom def is though. I honestly would have said this exact thing to my parents and they also made/make comments on my weight even though I’m a perfectly healthy weight. I don’t know your situation besides what you said in your post but I know you probably think quick on your feet and are witty considering that comeback (or have been preparing that for years lol) but no one should let their weight consume their thoughts constantly, especially when around family. Have you tried putting up boundaries? If not try setting some.
YTA.
Youre overweight? That’s your fault. No Excuses. You’re a victim of your own poor choices. You can chose better for yourself. Lose weight. Switch your diet to lean proteins & lots of green leafy veggies. Go for an hour’s walk every day. Drink lots of water. You’ll feel better in the long run.
Updateme
NTA. Your mom can get bent.
NTA. Is it your family calling, calling, calling? I‘d answer, and just tell them that you‘d finally snapped! That mom had been hassling you about your weight your whole life, and you just couldn’t take it any more! They probably understand and are on your side, because they know you and they know her. If not, just go no or low contact . Be proud of your weight loss so far and good luck on your journey!
I’m gonna go with you’re the justified asshole here. It must be terrible, having her comment incessantly, especially when 1) you already know about the problem and 2) you’re actively working on it. And in spite of her “concern,” those comments are not helpful!
Personally, I would have kept this comeback for a private conversation, buuuut at your age, I might not have been able to do so, either. Sometimes you snap, and while that’s not ideal, shit happens. If you have another conversation about this (only when you’re ready!), I would go light on the apology and heavy on the “I feel” statements rather than attacking her, even if she kind of deserves it.
You’re not the asshole. Mom is. She needs therapy.
NTA. Not that it matters, but I am so proud of you!
You said exactly what needed to be said to your mother, and because of her behavior, in exactly the right time and place. I imagine that it was really hard to do, but you did it! She needed to hear it so do not apologize. You did nothing wrong.
You are doing well for yourself; keep looking forward.
Nta. You do you. Whether or not you want to be 100 lb waif or a giant 300 lbs. you do what you want. Wishing you the best 🥃
OMG. I had the same thing happen to me. The difference is that I’m 69 and am just starting therapy. It’s called “body dysmorphia.” My mother is long dead, but she left a lasting impression on me. Good luck. You are NTA but your mother sure is.