My best friend “Alex” (26F) recently separated from her wife “Sam” (25F) after a year of marriage. They had dated for a year before Sam proposed, and they got married the following year. On paper, things seemed good, but now everything’s unravelling, and I’m struggling to tell if I’m being too harsh or just protective.
The weekend before everything fell apart, Sam was still planning a surprise birthday party for Alex, texting me about outfit ideas and organising video messages from friends and family. Then, that Saturday night, she went out drinking with a friend, and by Tuesday, she was telling Alex that her anxiety was “taking up too much space” in the relationship. She asked for a “temporary separation.” By Thursday, she had moved back to her hometown, three hours away.
Alex, who works away during the week, was made to drive two hours back home on Tuesday night at 8pm at Sam’s request just to have that conversation in person. She ended up having to take the rest of the week off work because she was so emotionally devastated
Alex was completely blindsided. She called me in tears, and I immediately drove two hours to be with her on Wednesday. Before I’d even arrived, I got a text from Sam asking me to take over the birthday party planning for an event that was still five weeks away, before I’d even seen Alex in person.
I then spent the next two days helping Alex pack up Sam’s things, over 12 hours of work, because no one knew if Sam was coming back. She barely contacted Alex that entire week.
To make things worse, Sam later told Alex that their previous rental, which they had only moved out of the week earlier (where they’d started their marriage and hosted holidays) needed to be re-cleaned for the final inspection. But Sam refused to return to help, so Alex had to take another day off work to do it all on her own.
In the days that followed, Sam began acting like the separation was final without ever saying it out loud. She:
- Changed her profile picture
- Hid her relationship status
- Archived or deleted their wedding photos from social media
- Asked to separate finances, phone plans, insurance, etc.
And yet, she’s never explicitly said “I’m done.” Just vague, avoidant language and mixed signals.
Now Alex feels like she has to make the hard call to either fight for the marriage or walk away, even though Sam’s actions make it seem like she already checked out without taking any responsibility for the fallout.
And honestly? I think Alex should walk. After everything Sam has said and done, I don’t see how this is fixable, and I’ve told her that. But now I’m questioning myself. Am I being too involved? Too judgmental? Is it wrong to encourage someone to leave their marriage even when it looks like the other person has already left emotionally?
So… AITA for encouraging my best friend to walk away after the way her wife has handled their separation?
Comments
NTA. Sam basically ghosted her own marriage. She dipped emotionally and physically but still wants Alex to do all the cleanup? Nah, she doesn’t get to vanish and still expect birthday parties. You’re being a real friend.
there is a lot of “made to” and “had to”, here, like Alex has no free will. This feels unlikely.
Yes, you are too involved.
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NAH don’t encourage but continue to offer support. You don’t want sam and Alex to make you the bad guy after this.
relationships are complicated and she might not be in the right place to walk away from Sam’s toxic behaviour. If you push for a break up Sam will use this later to make it seem like you had a hand in their relationship not working.
Push Alex for therapy so she has the tools to identify this toxic behaviour and choose better for herself
These people are adults. They have to figure out their own lives & you can’t make choices for other people. They both need to be mentally, physically & emotionally ready to walk away from each other. Don’t push anyone to do anything. Just support your friend & whatever choices she makes for herself.
Nah man, NTA. Sounds like Sam’s giving mixed signals and dumping emotional labor on Alex. Breaking up and sticking around is a pretty crummy move. It’s rough for sure, I get it, emotions are all over the place, but that’s no pass to treat someone like an emotional punching bag. If the shoe was on the other foot, you’d want Alex to tell you if you were the one being damaged IMHO. Stick to your guns bud, Alex needs you rn.
It’s wild that Sam would do all this separation dance but still act like she owns a piece of Alex’s life. NTA if Alex is done pretending they’re even on the same page here. Sam seems to want it both ways, ghosting emotionally while still clinging to material aspects of the relationship.
NTA. She has found someone new and is too afraid to tell her wife.
Lesbian marriages have the highest divorce rate, & this one looks like a statistic.
So yes– time to pack it up.
NTA but don’t get any more overinvolved.
NTA but you got tangled in someone else’s mess. Encourage your friend to talk with her partner and clear things up. And tell Sam you are not going to help with a party until things are cleared up.
But yeah, everything seems like the relationship is over
There is no more marriage Sam has withdrawn
You’ve said your piece but I would now back off. Be supportive but tone it down a bit. If they do work it out you don’t want to pinned as the person who tried to mess it up. They are married, it’s beyond just a relationship
She hasn’t told Alex its over yet because she wants to see how its going to be on her own (or with someone shes already hooking up with). That way she keeps Alex dangling in the wind and she can come skipping back to her if she changes her mind. The relationship is already over though