My (27f) boyfriend (33m) of 9 months has been friends with a married woman for over a decade (since he was a teen). During our relationship, particularly after I met her in person once (he introduced us one time a few months ago), I noticed he was spending a lot more alone time with her (going on walks together, playing basketball) than with me. They were spending whole evenings together and he’d tell me after the fact that they hung out and said he knew “how it looked” and that it would make anyone “suspicious”. Every time he told me about their hang outs he’d tell me all I had to do was “say the word” and he’d limit contact with her and let her “find something else to do” “go hang out with someone else”. Mind you, the husband wasn’t with them either, neither the kids she has, and I had been begging to spend some time with him but he kept limiting our time to calls and online chats. Before meeting her, he always wanted to go out with me in person and we’d spend days with each other. He says I was his first girlfriend ever.
When I finally brought it up after a couple of his hangouts with her, he defended the friendship and said I was being controlling. I told him that for me, a committed relationship requires prioritizing each other and that I wasn’t okay being second place or competing with a friend for what a girlfriend should have any way. I told him what he was doing was so hurtful and that I’d never do that to him. He said I didn’t understand how important she was to him and how different their dynamic is because I don’t have decade long male friends like he does and that they weren’t doing anything physical. My ex told me I wasn’t being considerate and that he spent more time with me anyway (but all that time was online in chats and in phone calls or texting. He refused to take me me out at that time when he was hanging out with her most often). Around the time they started hanging together most often is after his dog died and he used that as an excuse why he got closer to her than to me. He said I was a “chore” and was something he “didn’t want to deal with at the time” and he said she was ”easier” and only a few streets away.
He told me he’d only temporarily make changes to ease my mind — meaning let me hang out with her more and see that “nothing was going on” — but that he’d go right back to hanging with her alone. All I told him was to set some boundaries — either hangout with me more and her less, bring me along and the husband so it’s a group thing and we’re all friends, keep me in the loop and not sneak around, or some other solution both of us could work on. But he wasn’t budging and said I needed to think about her feelings and her kids and how setting those boundaries would affect them because they “needed him”. He said he was “helping her marriage” by giving “great advice” and buying gifts for the kids come holiday time. I asked how her husband is managing, and he said the husband was also asking her to put up the same boundaries with my ex but she didn’t and the husband just “cooled off after a while” and let her do whatever.
After I brought it up, he cancelled a date we had planned and texted me that he “might call me in a few days or so”. So I ended it.
TL;DR: boyfriend was getting closer to a longtime married female friend than with me, refused to change or set boundaries, so I broke up with him.
Edit: Thank you for all your support! Reading all your comments has opened my eyes. I have been so broken and hurt over the whole thing. I really gave it everything I had and he just let me leave once it was done. Glad I ended it and i should’ve walked away a lot sooner.
Comments
His loyalty was clearly somewhere else, and staying would’ve meant accepting being second place in your own relationship.
NTA. She is likely the one he always wanted but couldn’t have.
NTA. It doesn’t really matter if you were overreacting or not. The bottom line is the dynamic wasn’t working for you. You deserve to be happy, and have someone who makes you feel like a priority. This relationship was not that.
NTA
You dodged a bullet here
“My (27f) boyfriend (33m) of 9 months has been friends with a married woman for over a decade (since he was a teen).”
“Before meeting her, he always wanted to go out with me in person and we’d spend days with each other.”
Your story doesn’t add up. If you’ve been together 9 months and he’s known her 10 years then how was he always waning to go out with you BEFORE meeting her.
He sounds like a prize catch 🙄. Let her have him.
He is a dummy being used by the married woman. You dodged a bullet.
YTA. He knew her long before he knew you. You’re condemning him for no reason, he is better off without you.
NTA, he’s LYING and having an affair with this woman IT’S PLAIN AS DAY GIRL! It may only be one sided, but he’s having an emotional affair with this woman. I’m glad you ended it with him, but you should also talk to her and get her side of the situation & let her know what he’s doing.
1 of 2 things will happen, she’ll tell you the truth that there is an actual relationship with him & she’s having an affair or 2 she’ll cut this friendship off because it’s toxic & not healthy for him when she realizes how he feels.
Either way you’re better off without a man who has feelings for someone else, now you can find a man who want’s just YOU.
so he has a friend, he hangs out with the friend, you get jealous, you ask your ex for advice, tell him he isn’t allowed to hang out with his friend unsupervised, and you broke up with him?
ESH, but he can spend time with his friend now, and you don’t have to be a controlling gf.
I here so many stories on threads women pissed off because they have guy friends. There boyfriends should understand. I have a very close female friend and she has a very happy marriage. No one in any of families thinks otherwise because we’ve known each other for years. It kinda frustrates me seeing a post like this it was his friend.
NTA – walk away with your head held high – no one deserves to be a ‘chore’ to someone who’s supposed to love them.
INFO: I think I am struggling to understand
>My (27f) boyfriend (33m) of 9 months has been friends with a married woman for over a decade (since he was a teen).
So you guys are in a new relationship and they have been friends since he was teenager.
>Before meeting her, he always wanted to go out with me in person and we’d spend days with each other.
I don’t understand. Haven’t they been friends since they were teenagers?
Ultimately, you guys just aren’t compatable, so there isn’t really an AH here. He stated that you feel like a “chore” and that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with you. So I don’t think the problem is with his friendship with this woman. I think you guys just don’t really mesh very well together/ aren’t compatible.
If this girl didn’t exist, or he agreed to create some distance with her, I think your relationship probably wasn’t going to thrive anyway.
You wasted too much time on him. Divorce coming soon.
NTA
FAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEE
NTA. Your there to appease the husband so they can both say “ look he has a girlfriend” or that boy is in denial. Either way you’re absolutely not a priority want you to behave her husband about it
NTA and be glad you’re not the one stuck in a marriage with kids connected to this mess. I feel bad for her husband. You dodged the nuke that’ll eventually blow up his life.
it’s called emotional cheating at the very least. sounds like it was a straight up affair. emotional cheating is so insidious and many times worse and harder to pin down , more hurtful often.
NTA
It is so obvious that he is fucking her no matter what he says. He’s a walking red flag and will never have a real relationship with any woman as long as he keeps her around. Buying gifts for her kids? And the husband hasn’t stepped in to shut that shit down? Nah, you dodged a huge bullet with your ex. You’ll hear about him in the news soon, I reckon
If he “knew what it looked like” and that he could be suspicious, why does he still do it?
It is clear that his feelings are different and it is not just a friendship.
It’s good that you were able to get rid of him because he had no serious commitment to you and he was just wasting your time.
A former roommate/friend of mine had this long-time, married female best friend (she was married) that he hung out with all the time. I introduced him to a girlfriend of mine and they got together. Naturally, he kept hanging out very frequently with his best female best friend and despite a few years of my girlfriend telling him she’d like to spend more time doing couples things, he ignored her and increased alone with with his bff. He always assisted it was just platonic and they’ve been best friends for so long they were like siblings. Eventually he and this best friend started a secret romance and were both cheating on their partners. When it came out everyone was heartbroken and devastated and he acted like it wasn’t a big deal, they were soulmates.
Sometimes people aren’t being honest with themselves and they get out of control. Sometimes they’re totally benign and really are just close friendships. But either way you have to decide what your comfort level is and also listen to your intuition. NTA.
You did the right thing, never be second choice to anyone in a relationship… plus he’s a loser and will never find someone that will put up with his crap! You deserve a lot better than what he’ll ever be! NTA
Nta. This is already a mess in addition to a powder keg that will explode. Walking away now means you don’t have to deal with the fallout.
NTA
Low-key sounds like they’re having an affair and I won’t be surprised if she gets divorced soon. He was treating you like you’re crushing on him and wouldn’t leave him alone. He never prioritized you so I doubt your absence would affect him.
You did the right thing
Gifts to the kid ??
Could he be their bio dad or something ?
Since he spends so much time with them without their dad…really awkward situation but i’d be suspicious about all of it…
Anyway, of course, nta, if he doesn’t want you, it’s his loss after all…
If he prefers to pursue a married woman and is ok being a housewrecker, i think you’ll be better far away from him and he really wasn’t the one.
NTA. You dodged a bullet. He is emotionally cheating on you (and possibly physically).
NTA and there are just too many problems here.
He won’t prioritize his romantic relationship over a platonic one and tells you that you are a chore.
Her husband also has problems with this, and she does nothing about that either.
He also says you’re his first girlfriend ever.
Good on you for ending it before you got more involved and more hurt. Block him and move on. This guy is clearly in love with the other woman, even if neither of them wants to admit it.
NTA. Some people can handle this, some people can’t. But there is ample evidence that you do not have to worry about this if you do not. Plus he was pretty easy to let you go…
NTA
I’m sure he’s hanging around her with the hope that one day she will waver on the marriage, and she probably loves the attention of two fawning men. There’s no doubt in my mind that she would have created a lot of trouble for you if you made waves in her comfy life. And your ex is a pathetic moron with a leash around his neck. Good riddance to the whole mess.
Sorry your bf was such an AH. But, you gave him a chance. Move on with your life and be happy.
THEY HUMPING… her husband either knows and he’s ok with it or he don’t know and they both sneaking around but it’s clear they are more than friends. How is he giving her marriage advice when he sucks as a boyfriend so that’s a lie. He doesn’t want to hang with the husband and you together which is why ik the husband isn’t aware, her husband didn’t “cool off” she just got better at sneaky around but the real red flag is when he told you that you needed to think about her feelings and the kids aka if you expose our affair it will affect her marriage. You should contact the husband and have a talk
Girl, I am asking you to love and respect yourself at least a tiny bit. Jesus Bobby Christ he is not worth it
Nah, he’s too old to be playing these games. Definitely walk away. I wonder if her husband is getting his ducks in a row to leave her. Their behavior is not normal friendship. They are more emotionally invested in each other than their partners.
NTA. He said to say something if you had issues. You did and then that makes you controlling. No thanks.
The female friend’s husband might want to see if the kids are actually his, as well.
lol