So a couple of months ago I mentioned to my elderly parents that I wanted to take my dogs to a national park that is 8 hours away since it is dog friendly and I love to hike. They said they wanted to go too, and I said that was fine, but I wanted to go hiking at least one of the days. A few weeks go by and I look up trails but I don’t make any plans. Things at work got hectic and I was thinking of postponing until next year, but my Dad kept asking. Now my parents are in their 80s and my Dad really should be in a wheelchair but is too stubborn. He can’t do stairs. It is easier for me to plan a dog vacation than a handicap-accessible one.
Per usual, they made ZERO plans themselves. Yet they kept complaining about not going. So fine, I found an Airbnb that had a ramp and a walk-in shower. I found tours that were handicap accessible. I downloaded self-guided tour apps to my phone so we could just drive around. They wanted to visit the places they went to as children so I drove them there.
I booked it all. It was clear I wasn’t going to get a single hike in because they couldn’t bother to look up a single activity for themselves. We couldn’t even go shopping because my father couldn’t walk. We literally sat in the car for 4 days so he could see what he could from the car. My poor dogs were stuck in a car. Neither parent would look up a single thing themselves. When the TV didn’t work I just wanted to relax, but no, I had to go to the store and buy things to try and get the TV to work.
I lost my shit on the 4th day and said we’re going home and I packed them all up and drove home early. They are mad at me and say I have a bad attitude. When I said that I was tired of catering to them they said that they had to cater to me for years. I’m assuming they mean when I was a child.
Was I wrong? I feel like they not only hijacked my vacation that I had planned, I also had to pay for it and I only got to do 1 thing that I wanted and somehow I’m the horrible ungrateful child for ending things early.
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So a couple of months ago I mentioned to my elderly parents that I wanted to take my dogs to a national park that is 8 hours away since it is dog friendly and I love to hike. They said they wanted to go too, and I said that was fine, but I wanted to go hiking at least one of the days. A few weeks go by and I look up trails but I don’t make any plans. Things at work got hectic and I was thinking of postponing until next year, but my Dad kept asking. Now my parents are in their 80s and my Dad really should be in a wheelchair but is too stubborn. He can’t do stairs. It is easier for me to plan a dog vacation than a handicap-accessible one.
Per usual, they made ZERO plans themselves. Yet they kept complaining about not going. So fine, I found an Airbnb that had a ramp and a walk-in shower. I found tours that were handicap accessible. I downloaded self-guided tour apps to my phone so we could just drive around. They wanted to visit the places they went to as children so I drove them there.
I booked it all. It was clear I wasn’t going to get a single hike in because they couldn’t bother to look up a single activity for themselves. We couldn’t even go shopping because my father couldn’t walk. We literally sat in the car for 4 days so he could see what he could from the car. My poor dogs were stuck in a car. Neither parent would look up a single thing themselves. When the TV didn’t work I just wanted to relax, but no, I had to go to the store and buy things to try and get the TV to work.
I lost my shit on the 4th day and said we’re going home and I packed them all up and drove home early. They are mad at me and say I have a bad attitude. When I said that I was tired of catering to them they said that they had to cater to me for years. I’m assuming they mean when I was a child.
Was I wrong? I feel like they not only hijacked my vacation that I had planned, I also had to pay for it and I only got to do 1 thing that I wanted and somehow I’m the horrible ungrateful child for ending things early.
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> My parents think my life should revolve around them and they ruin things I want to do but then I feel guilty when I stand up for myself
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
WYBNTA if next time you took your vacation and didn’t mention to them that you were planning it and going. Soft YTA for not giving them a big smile one morning and telling him they were on their own for that day and you were going hiking, but you are only the TA to yourself
NTA.
You can only take so much, and you did. If I were you, I would have left them alone in the AirBnB for at least an hour a day and at least 4 hours one day so that you could take your dogs for a walk/hike. You needed alone time to decompress.
My wife and I did something similar recently for her 81yo mother, but she is at least able to walk a mile on an easy trail. It was a mix of nature and historic sites, including some of her ancestry. There was a lot of time in the car, and MIL loves to talk, defaulting to reading road signs out loud. Once we took an hour+ walk up a steep hill in the rain, just because we knew she would decide to stay in the car, so we could get a break.
NTA. Whatever you do, it will never be enough.
Just because you’re old does not mean you don’t have to communicate. Your frustrations make sense as this trip was first of all originally for you and the dogs and then your parents wanted in, but you had to sacrifice your plans to sit in a car and fix a TV. You didn’t get to do a single thing you originally wanted to do.
My mom says when people get to that age that they can get really nitpicky and complain a lot. And also, they had you so by deciding to be a parent, you are at least signing up for a minimum of 18 years of caring for another person. It was their job to care for you.
I also think since our parents take care of us when we are young, that we should take care of them when they are old. Anyways, I think the big things here are communication and planning. If they had made plans and then communicated with you, maybe when they were home watching TV or something, you could have gone done something you wanted?
Why would you do that? They make no plans, just leave them in the Airbnb and go do your hike. They don’t like it, they can choose not to join next time.
They’re being unreasonable but looks like you’re old enough that you only have yourself to blame for allowing them to hijack your plans.
NTA. Next time, book yourself a dog-friendly vacation and don’t tell them.
Alternatively, you could take them on a short vacation; but use their credit cards to book everything. While you fulfill your filial obligations, you could leave your dogs to be pampered at a luxurious doggy-vacation hotel.
ESH I think. How much time do you spend with them? They’re facing death everyday. They jumped at a chance to do something with you. They’re not good at it and it didn’t go well. I bet they just wanted to spend another vacation with you. Give them a little treat and then you and your dogs go reap your reward for it. 2 trips.
YTA to yourself for letting this happen.
My dad once suggested that he join us on a family holiday one year. I was happy to go along with this, as he said he would just be happy sitting at the bar, drinking tea all day. Fair enough.
I invited him down to stay with us for a couple of nights so that we could go to the travel agent together and decide between us (my wife and kids as well) where we would go, and what we would do.
He refused to come down, and then it dawned on me that he expected us to run around, and make the arrangements, so all he does is turn up at the airport.
When I realised that he wanted to make no effort at all, he was excluded from our plans, and we never suggested it to him again.
I don’t mind doing stuff, but I’m not anyone’s slave
ESH
You teach people how to treat you.
You shouldn’t have agreed to go with them in the first place.
You shouldn’t have done the planning.
You shouldn’t have gone to the store to buy things for them.
You shouldn’t have fixed the TV if you didn’t want to watch it.
You *definitely* shouldn’t have listened to them whinging about your behaviour.
Next time, tell them about the trip after you’ve returned home.
ESH
They suck for hijacking your vacation but you suck for bottling up your resentment without communicating which led to you exploding.
So your parents are in their 80s, not very mobile, and you agreed to take them on vacation when you knew you wanted to be active, and also knew theycouldn’t be active? I have to think you are at least 40 years old, and you haven’t learned to say no to your parents? What did you expect, that they would magically be able to be mobile? Seriously, how did you see this going any other way?
You wouldn’t be TA if you just didn’t let them come with you or told them they could come but they had to plan out their own transportation, lodging, etc.
You know how your parents are and even went in with the mindset of “I don’t get to do anything because you guys didn’t plan anything.” This was YOUR trip. I understand it can be hard to tell your parents no sometimes but you allowed them to invite themselves, booked everything + it was accessible for their conditions, and drove them. They would have been totally fine for 1-2 days at the AirBnb if you went and did your hike.
You’re NTA because they are being inconsiderate but you’re also TA because you did everything for them and then got mad even though you were expecting it to happen.
Next time, plan your trip and go. Tell them afterwards! Good luck
NTA but you need to learn to say no.
Why didn’t you just go on the hike with your dogs and leave them in the Air B&B to relax, watch tv, read books, listen to music, or whatever else they do? Then you have dinner with them.
You parents are in their 80s. In another 10 years, you will not have this problem. Think about that and deal accordingly.
YTA for getting pissy and leaving early when you should have just set the parameters.
I guess what you learned is, next time don’t tell them you’re going on vacation.
Here’s the problem – you should have just announced that on a specific day you were going hiking. They’re adults. They can do what they want. You didn’t have to do any of this. you chose to.
Why didn’t you leave them at the Airbnb and go hiking. They suck for hijacking your vacation but you didn’t seem to advocate for yourself. ESH.
YTA
what was your expectation going into this? you know their limitations, knew they can’t do what you wanted to do, and you agreed to it anyway, and ended up yelling at them.
No. It’s a complete sentence. Took a long time to get used to, but it’s great. NTA for situation..you would be TA if you continue to let them walk all over you. Good luck.
ESH. First off, you let them hijack it and then people pleased your way into having a terrible time… If you didn’t want them going on this, you need to hold firm and tell them that it’s a small trip for yourself. Maybe even tell them, next time they can go…
Your parents suck because it sounds like they lack all accountability and can’t be bothered to take care of themselves. I’m finding this a more common issue now with Boomers who were narcissistic parents their whole lives and now that they are having mobility issues or whatnot in their old age, they’re expecting their children to be an automatic caregiver… in many case, they treat you worse than when you were a kid and ‘taking care of them’ then. Now, they literally don’t put any effort in themselves because it’s ‘hard’ and don’t realize all the extra work they’re causing…
ESH – Dude. Just park the car and go hiking. Drop them off someplace and then pick them up later. You also shouldn’t have brought them. Start telling them no or stop sharing information with them. They dont need to know everything.
NTA – but you need to work on boundries because it sounds like from the beginning you knew they were going to hijack the entire trip. You can say NO to them wanting to come on your vacation, you can leave them in the hotel room with a TV & a book. It sounds like you totally set your self up to be dissapointed & angry and you got your wish.
Soft YTA. They’re you’re 80 year old parents and yeah, they did cater to you for years. It sounds like they wanted to spend time with you and see a national park before they pass. Wake up early and go hiking with your dogs, get the Airbnb host to fix the TV or do it yourself, help make their golden years enjoyable.
It also sounds like you told them you “wanted to go hiking at least one of the days” but cut the trip short before you could do that. It seems like they went on the vacation assuming you were fine hiking one of the days and they didn’t think they were imposing by driving around on the other days.
YTA not for being frustrated and annoyed but for how you handled it. You could and should have set different expectations with clear communication. Something like “on Tuesday morning, and Wednesday afternoon, and some time on Friday, I’m going for a hike with the dogs, so you guys will be on your own to find something to do.
Yeah, I wouldn’t just put them in the Airbnb and say you’ve got phones. You’ve got laptops to make some plans. I’m going on my hike with my dogs. I’ll see you at 5 o’clock for dinner.
YTA.
First, they did not hijack your vacation. Hijacking a vacation would imply you went on vacation and they showed up unexpectedly and expected you then to take care of them. That is not what happened, you willingly brought them. You could have easily said no.
Second, you know your parents and you know how they are and instead of being an adult and planning around this, you chose to be a martyr. Grow up.
Third, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, your parents are going to die. You will never get to take another vacation with them. You will never get to sit and talk with them again. They clearly want to spend time with you. You didn’t say anything about being no contact or low contact; you just complained about them. Take stock of what you have now and appreciate it because it will be gone before you know it.
“omg the apple i picked is over ripe”…. “OMG THE over ripe apple i picked up tastes bad” “omg this taste in my mouth won’t go away”…
every single action was brought upon you by yourself and could have been rectified… with your actions.
Eh just remember, your parents may not have much time left. I use to get annoyed with my mom’s requests, now I would do anything to hear just one more since she has passed. I do understand where your coming from. Soft yta because you did put yourself in that situation.
YTA- This could be one of the last times you could have a chance to go anywhere with your parents. You were a champion and hero setting up all the things you did.
Rage quitting the vacation was the A hole move. Soon enough you won’t be able to complain about their actions at all, unless in past tense.
You could very well have set a day to do your own thing and communicated that with them. Sorry to chastise ya, but too many people lately just wanna sh*t on their parents or other people’s parents for any number of reasons, instead of showing grace in their twilight years.
I wish my elderly parents wanted to do things with me but admittedly, even just visiting them is exhausting sometimes because I’m either moving furniture, taking care of their appointments, bills, insurance… etc over the phone or figuring out what wrong button they pushed to fix their tv. As much as I want to spend time with them while I can, taking them on a vacation would be really hard for all of us.
In any of the lead up you very easily could have said you had plans of your own for a few days if the trip and couldn’t be responsible or available during that time. They are grown and could have fended for themselves for a couple of days sight seeing locally. You need to speak up before you snap. It is likely the sudden outburst and departure that upset everyone. Just speak up before that point.
They were out of line. But honestly, you should never have caved. You should have set boundaries ahead of time. Obviously a couple of immobile Boomers are not going to go on a hiking trip. You should have told them that’s what it was and ended the conversation.
Because now you tried to compromise but you actually made things way worse. You are resentful they ruined the vacation. They think you’re a brat because you ended it early.
YTA to yourself. You did all this to yourself. You have only yourself to blame. You didn’t communicate like an adult and went off on them. You allowed them to run your plans but then got mad at them