I 42M, have two kids living with me, my daughter Anya (17F) and my stepson Noah (14M). Noah’s mom passed a few years ago, and I’ve had full custody since. He’s had a rough go of it, but he’s a good kid, with his quirks. He’s not antisocial or shy, but he does not appreciate having his space invaded and when very upset, he can kinda ‘shut down’.
Anya is much more outgoing and has a lot of friends- she asked to have a sleepover this weekend with four of them. I said yes, of course, but given that the friends who were coming were pretty loud and have a tendency to crowd Noah, I told her to make sure they don’t go into her brother’s room. Also to keep things down after 11, so that the house can sleep.
In my opinion, these are not strict rules.
To my surprise, I came upstairs to check on them at about 10- they are 17, I didn’t think I needed to check on them every hour or something- and they were in Noah’s room. And they looked like they’d been there a while, two were literally sitting on his bed, with him there, one of them was flipping through his sketchbook, another was messing with his other stuff, and they were all kind of giggling in this weird way.
Noah was clearly upset, he didn’t say anything/move, but there were tears in his eyes and he didn’t respond when I tried to talk to him. I told the girls to get out right then, and that I was calling every single one of their parents. Anya was pretty upset with me, but I told her that I gave them TWO rules and they failed spectacularly.
I did actually call all of their parents, and sent them home as soon as possible. Anya blew up, saying I embarrassed her. I told her to go to her room, and that we would speak on this in the morning. I spent about 20 minutes with Noah, before he decided he wanted to cool down on his own, and I went back to my daughter- who chose not to speak to me.
Its late, both of my kids are (hopefully) asleep, and I’m left not knowing if i handled things right. AITA?
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I 42M, have two kids living with me, my daughter Anya (17F) and my stepson Noah (14M). Noah’s mom passed a few years ago, and I’ve had full custody since. He’s had a rough go of it, but he’s a good kid, with his quirks. He’s not antisocial or shy, but he does not appreciate having his space invaded and when very upset, he can kinda ‘shut down’.
Anya is much more outgoing and has a lot of friends- she asked to have a sleepover this weekend with four of them. I said yes, of course, but given that the friends who were coming were pretty loud and have a tendency to crowd Noah, I told her to make sure they don’t go into her brother’s room. Also to keep things down after 11, so that the house can sleep.
In my opinion, these are not strict rules.
To my surprise, I came upstairs to check on them at about 10- they are 17, I didn’t think I needed to check on them every hour or something- and they were in Noah’s room. And they looked like they’d been there a while, two were literally sitting on his bed, with him there, one of them was flipping through his sketchbook, another was messing with his other stuff, and they were all kind of giggling in this weird way.
Noah was clearly upset, he didn’t say anything/move, but there were tears in his eyes and he didn’t respond when I tried to talk to him. I told the girls to get out right then, and that I was calling every single one of their parents. Anya was pretty upset with me, but I told her that I gave them TWO rules and they failed spectacularly.
I did actually call all of their parents, and sent them home as soon as possible. Anya blew up, saying I embarrassed her. I told her to go to her room, and that we would speak on this in the morning. I spent about 20 minutes with Noah, before he decided he wanted to cool down on his own, and I went back to my daughter- who chose not to speak to me.
Its late, both of my kids are (hopefully) asleep, and I’m left not knowing if i handled things right. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I embarrassed my daughter by calling every single on of her friend’s parents, and then sent her to her room. 2) She’s 17, maybe I was a bit harsh. I upset my daughter, and thats not something any parent wants to do.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. They’re 17, they should know better.
NTA. These were reasonable boundaries.
NTA. what your daughter and her friends did was unacceptable.
NTA.
In my opinion your daughter caused this out come. You were clear with her on what the expectations were and chose not to follow one of them. She’s 17, and it’s time she learns what accountability is. She’s going to be an adult soon, so behaving like a child won’t get her far.
I would have ended the sleep over right then as well. Noah is his own person, and has his own feelings. Those were heavily invaded, and that is unfair to him.
Anya and her friends had so many other options of places to hang out other than on his room.
Holy hell, NTA. And it’s honestly strange that four 17yo girls decided to spend their evening harassing a 14yo boy.
NTA, they are old enough to know better. All they had to do was leave him alone, and they didn’t do that.
NTA You did everything right. Children as young as 6 can follow 2simple rules
NTA. Why they hell would they want to go into his room anyway? I’m amazed you even needed to make that a rule, and they’re absolutely little jackasses for breaking it. It’s a simple request.
NTA. Absolutely reasonable rules, made for everyone’s well being, which they blatantly ignored.
NTA You were not harsh. You gave her very easy rules and she broke yours and Noah’s trust.
Her feeling embarrassed is a consequence of her actions.
NTA, You did precisely the right thing. Your daughter needs to respect boundaries, and if she doesn’t, she needs to suffer the consequences.
NTA
NTA.
You daughter needs to be punished.
I have several older brothers. I NEVER went into their rooms and they never went into mine. It seems like common decency and common sense not to enrouch on other peoples privacy.
They 100% went into his room to tease him. And that’s disgusting. Your daughter would probably be absolutely furious if the roles were reversed and him and his friends went through her room.
There needs to be consequences for her actions, she is too old to be acting like this.
NTA, this is some of the best parenting I have seen in a long time and I do this sort of thing for a living. You handled this perfectly, and your daughter needs to reflect on what she did to him in his safe space. If she can’t understand then let her know for the next week her room is open to the public for you guys to flip through her personal things with her friends. She’s far too old to lack empathy, so don’t let up or give in at all to her.
You handled things perfectly OK! You set very reasonable rules and your daughter decided to not care and upset Noah
I’ll ground her. She doesn’t care to have embarrassed Noah, but she sure cares that she couldn’t get her way. What was she expecting after she broke the rules????
NTA you set two simple boundaries and she broke one. What were the other parents reactions to the girls being sent home?
And have you ever considered getting Noah a lock for his door? (He shouldn’t have to have one but it might make him feel more in control.)
NTA These were very reasonable rules and she broke them, ending the sleepover is an appropriate consequence. Good job in protecting your stepson, make sure that your daughter’s anger doesn’t turn into resentment towards him, these were her mistakes and her lessons to learn
NTA , rule was reasonable and reprecussions were completely adequate and fair
Nta. Honestly? You did what you had to. You stood up for your son when he couldn’t speak. Your daughter and her friends, at 17, are more then capable of following rules. Your sister knows her brother has issues. She and her friends purposely broke your rules just antagonize him because they knew he wouldn’t fight back. Your daughter and her friends are bullies, plain and simple. It was a tough situation and you handled it well. You showed your son that you will always have his back. And you showed daughter that there are consequences for bullying her brother.
I would have called over Noah and ask him if he’s ok with the 2 girls in his room.
At 14, I would have been mad that you kicked out 2 girls out of my room.
How a kid acts in front of a parent, isn’t necessarily the same as he acts with kids around his age.
You’re a good dad!
..you need to ask you’re son if your daughter does anything strange to him in private.
This sounds very strange. Which 17yo wants to bug their 14yo brother during aa sleepover.
NTA at all. Quite the opposite actually. Go you.
NTA. You did the most fair and reasonable thing. She needs to learn that respecting boundaries is important.
She and her friends are bullies. You have issues in your home.
NTA. Daughter knew your very understandable rule and broke it. Son deserves privacy.
NTA. The girls got a good case of FAFO and you stood firm on the rules to help your son.
NTA.
This was great parenting and you handled this very well.
I don’t have any other notes except thanks for sharing with those of us who are newer to parenthood.
These are just basic rules for cohabitating with anyone. Sleep over or not, Anya’s friends shouldn’t be in any room that isn’t Anya’s or a common space like the living room, kitchen, etc.
I’m sure she would be upset if he had friends over and they went into her room and were going through her things.
NTA, but gently I would say not checking on them until 10 is a little wild. Yes absolutely they are 17, but lowkey that’s more reason to take a temp check before. I don’t know when the party started, but have to assume it had at least been 3 hours by 10? I do hope you can talk to both kids separately, allow space for Anya to explain why she didn’t honour the rules and why they needed to invade Noah’s space. Did she try to change it but couldn’t get her friends on board? Is there animosity and she intentionally wanted to get at Noah somehow? If you can keep judgement out of it and allow them both to be honest, you can actually work on the root of things.
As for Noah, the same of let him share what he can, and also allow him to explain why he couldn’t kick them out/come to you etc. again, no judgement, allow his reason to be valid, and brainstorm ways to make it easier. Does he shut down too hard when stress? Can there be a “red flag” text code he can send and know he won’t have to explain more but you’ll come help him out of a situation? For folks who go non-verbal when overstimulated or stressed it’s much more effective to create other tools to express their needs as opposed to try and force them to speak when they can’t.
but also,afterwards, chat w them together and facilitate them saying how they feel to each other and apologize. I really hope you can encourage her to have another sleep over with the same friends, allow her to do better, and maybe get a lock for Noah’s room? Best of luck OP
NTA and thank you. I can’t imagine what it would have done to Noah mentally if you hadn’t reacted the way you did. And Anya was given the boundaries and chose to ignore them. I would talk to her and see how things transpired though. If her friends bulldozed her then she needs to know that they aren’t her friends. From the little description given, I feel that might be the scenario but you know…limited info to go on. Either way, just now you are doing great! It can’t be easy.
NTA. Send the brat off to boarding school in Switzerland.
Thank you for standing up for your son. Even if the girls didn’t have any respect for your son’s privacy they should have at the very least had respect for your rules. No child should feel lessened by an older sibling and her friends.
NTA. Because even if she told them to leave Noah alone and the girls chose to go in his room anyway, they also need to learn to mind the rules and respect other people’s boundaries.
Question: why are you even asking this?
There’s no circumstance where anyone would say these are unreasonable rules. You could easily ask her what the rules were and that’s that.
Thank you for protecting his boundaries
The only thing Anya is mad about is getting caught doing something she knew she wasn’t supposed to be doing. I would ban sleepovers at your house for a while. If she wants a sleepover, she can go to her friends’ houses where none of them will bother (run foil hat but I think they’re bullying him) Noah
Absolutely NTA
You handled it great, Dad. NTA
Now please have a Happy Father’s Day. 🫶
NTA Situation handled perfectly. Now you have to get to the bottom of why Anya broke these clearly stated and really common sense rules.
NTA. You gave two reasonable, simple rules. Your daughter didn’t listen. Your stepson is not their entertainment.
Definitely NTA, and I’d not allow any of those girls over again. Daughter can go to their houses if they want to hang out. 17 is WAY too old to invade someone’s privacy at someone else’s house.
NTA, but you have an older sibling bullying a younger sibling scenario on your hands. As well as a daughter who is a jerk in general since she clearly intentionally broke that rule only because you gave it to her. Like she went out of her way to do this to him and you. Appropriate response, but there is a much deeper issue here.
I think you did only one things wrong: You should have given the rules to the group of girls, and not just your kid. It’s not crazy to expect her to be responsible for all of that, but if you really wanted to be sure, and with your son’s needs in mind, it would have been pretty easy to establish those rules when the girls arrived. Quite possibly, they were sent home for doing nothing wrong, you know?
Way to go Dad!
You did everything perfectly
NTA And not only would I have sent the other girls home I would have grounded Anya for a week or two, with limited computer/phone time. She is 17 and old enough to know better. I would also question her friendship of the two girls that were in his room.
NTA you set clear boundaries and she broke them. Actions have consequences and you did the right thing.
Why would 17 year old girls want to hang out in a 14 year old boy’s room? That makes no sense at all.
NTA. Those girls were being horribly mean to Noah, he had tears in his eyes and they just didn’t care. You were absolutely right to kick them out. That kind of mean girl behaviour at 17 is gross.
You did and no, you are NTA! You gave them 2 little rules to obey and they did neither. I know you said something like “an evil giggle” and that tells me that these girls are absolutely disgusting people. Your daughter should have shut them down immediately. However, it sounds like she was also acting the same way as her friends. I will never understand why some people go out of their way to make other people miserable. The only thing I do know is that no matter what, the “leader of the pack” starts in and the little lemmings fall into step right behind them. Why? Just to be seen in the leader’s eyes as cool? Action like these have consequences hence; the other girls being sent home. I hate to say this but shame on your daughter for not stepping in to protect her brother.
👏🏻 you handed it amazingly!
Many would make the rule and if/when not follow through to support the other child. The way that you showed your son that you are there for him will carry over time and time again.
Let your daughter be mad and don’t react back. Tell her you love her and her brother and would do anything to support and protect them. She violated that with her brother and needs to understand that impact.
You’re teaching empathy!
NTA. Check with him to make sure nothing was broken and that nothing occurred, that they did not do inappropriate things. Also, if he no longer wants anything because they invaded or touched it, daughter needs to pay for it as part of her punishment. Obviously no more sleepovers as I would restrict devices or something.
Good for you!
That is good parenting. Make rules and stick to them.
Consequences without threats and violence.
You did what has to be done. Teenagers are hard.
As a Noah type, thank you SO MUCH for not just responding immediately and taking it seriously, but sending them home. It really communicates how seriously you take his needs and how much you care about him as a person.
Those teens were bullying a kid younger than them in his house, in his room!
You are a lot better than me. I would have booted them out of my house right then and there. NTA and thank you for being there for your stepson
NTA sounds like your daughter doesn’t respect your son or care to stand up for him to her “friends”
YTA, you should have kept the punishment aimed at your daughter, after the event.
NTA, you handled this responsibly. You set rules, the girls broke them, and Noah was clearly upset–which the girls intentionally ignored. The rules were broken and you sent them home. This does two things:
Anya learned that her breaking the rules has consequences, a very important concept to learn as a teenager about to become a legal adult
Noah learned that you will protect him. He is without a mom, and this helps him know that you do care about him and will protect him. I am sure that you know this but he is young and we all need reassurance.
Very good job OP. I am sure Anya is upset, but that is because of her own actions. Noah is upset because his sister intentionally hurt him. Those are different things and you did the right thing in correcting the former child and protecting the latter child.
You’re a good dad OP. Next time I would probably keep a closer eye on Noah during the sleepover though.
NTA. A teenager’s room is a private, almost sacred space. They invaded it after being expressly told not to.
It sounds like your daughter is a Mean Girl, or aspires to be one. She hurt Noah on purpose – they all did.
NTA for protecting your son. He deserves better than the way his sister and her friends treated him.
Are you sure your daughter isn’t angry at Noah for taking away her ‘only child’ status?
NTA
NTA. You didn’t embarrass Anya. You dealt with broken rules / promises and stopped bullying. Her embarrassment was collateral to what she did herself.
NTA. PERFECT dad moment. Absolutely perfect.
Nta. I feel so bad for your son. He isn’t at fault here, but i hope he can learn to stand up for himself. I was like him. I was in my thirties when i finally learned.
Or try some codes he can text you. Like what are we eating tonight? When he needs you
NTA
They mean girl ganged up on him in the place that should be his most private and safest. I would consider changing boundaries with your daughter’s friends in your homr to no sleepovers and they’re not allowed to go upstairs. At all.
Your daughter violated your rules and her brother’s safety, privacy, autonomy and comfort. Who knows how far their torturing him would have gone if you were asleep rather than awake?
As for her friends, they are just as culpable. They bullied your son. Whether or not your daughter told them the “2 rules,” what they did was invasive, invalidating and hurtful to your son. They think it’s fun to bully and force another person to have their space and privacy violated.
Your son needs and deserves the full support of the adults in the home to protect his boundaries.
NTA. And by chance, does Noah have ASD? I only ask, cause that matches up with what someone on the spectrum may do.
NTA, good parenting!!
NTA………………Young man needs to learn to speak up. Otherwise, he will be the “victim” of bullies all his life.
The girls……….your daughter, should obeyed your two simple easy rules. THEY DIDN’T.
Think you did best thing possible. Betcha they won’t do that again…..if you are kind nuff to allow them in your home again.
BTW….suggest you make sure “guests” know that the rules of your home are.
I’m really glad that kid has somebody like you in his corner. You did exactly what you should do. You are a great father.
Your daughter will probably realize how stupid her actions were in like 5 years, she embarrassed herself.
NTA but Anya needs further consequences. She outright defied you to the detriment of her brother. There was no reason for them to do that other than to make him uncomfortable. Grounding, removing access to her phone, something. I work with teens. You can spot the ones not being disciplined from a mile away. The fact that SHE’S punishing YOU with the silent treatment tells you that a) she still doesn’t believe she’s wrong b) she doesn’t respect you or your rules and c) she could not care less about putting her stepbrother in a bad situation. Time to show her that actions have consequences.
NTA. I’m the parent of a 17yo and those young ladies knew exactly how uncomfortable they were making him. Totally aggressive inappropriate bully behavior.
If it were me, I’d be having a good talk with my daughter about her choice of friends.
NTA and honestly I would probe this deeper. Your daughter seems to be bullying your son, and encouraging her friends to do the same, for entertainment. I think if you dig into your son will have a lot more stories about your daughter doing shit like this.
Dude, you’re 42 and they’re 17. You will be TA even if you saved a burning shoolbus full of cancer patients from falling off a cliff, after helping a mother deliver a baby a roadside and before saving a tiny kitten from a tree. Prepare to be TA for at least the next year and a half.
Don’t worry, you’ll stop being TA soon enough, but then you become the ATM.
NTAH. Very simple rules. She knows how her brother is, why on earth would she do that to him, she is a bully in packs for sure. I hope you punish her and never let her have a sleepover again. Her and her “friends” ATHA
My question is, how did the parents react when you called them?
I don’t think you say anything about it, but if your son is sensitive to people coming in/feeling safe in his room, consider allowing him to put a lock on his door… even the indoor type you can open with a paperclip if it helps him to establish boundaries… your nta by any means
NTA. You sound like a good parent, those were healthy rules you set, easy to follow and made sense, and they blatantly ignored them by choice.
NTA! Good for you for calling the entire thing off! You had 2 rules! And neither was extreme. They had the entire rest of the house. Ugh!
NTA. It seems to me that a bunch of 17 year old girls would have absolutely nothing to do with – or have in common – a 14 year old boy; it would seem to me that they were in that for the sole purpose of bothering him. Like, what other reason could they possibly have for being in there? So yea, you did the right thing. She knows what she did and she deliberately did it. You should make sure she knows that. She was the asshole here. She needs to learn that lesson, even if it’s as simple as leading her to this post and letting her read some of the replies. At 17, she’s old enough to learn that she’s done something shitty and unfair here; at 14 and with the social nature you discuss, it’s obvious he was never going to say anything to you, had you not caught them in the act and she probably knew that fact.
Your daughter needs to learn that everyone has the right to personal, private space and boundaries and the fact that he’s her younger brother doesn’t give her the right to impose on his right to that privacy.
Your daughter is 17, breathing is going to make her mad at you. Your rules aren’t even rules, they’re common courtesy. Don’t doubt yourself for a second here. You’re a good dad, you noticed something was off with your son and you took action. I think it’s pretty clear there was some level of bullying occurring here and doesn’t speak well of your daughter’s choice in friends.
Your house, your rules. Your daughter knew the rules and should have conveyed them to her friends. NTA
So as a neurodivergent introvert I would say NTA. But I mean anyone wouldn’t want their space invaded or just rifling through someone’s things like that. Her brother deserves his privacy and to feel safe in his space as well as she does. And definitely not strict rules but it’s sad that 17yr Olds csnt even respect someone’s room like that or that your daughter didn’t seem to care either.
NTA. You were perfectly reasonable and your daughter needs to respect others boundaries and privacy. I wonder how she would feel if somebody violated her privacy.
The girls deserved to go home but also you need to do something about both kids – your daughter not listening and being a bully and your son not sticking up for himself and just taking it / not being vocal
People have no business staying at your house if they can’t follow explicit rules.
You were 💯percent right! She’s being ridiculous.
NTA – every person in that house deserves their private space. Your daughter violated your son’s private space WITH THREE OTHER PEOPLE. Her friends were flipping through his sketchbook, likely without his permission. They may have been making fun of his art which is crushing at 14. Your daughter feels embarrassed and SHOULD feel embarrassed for allowing her friends (who are almost adults) to infringe on the room of a child.
You did the right thing for protecting your son.
NTA
But you need to make it crystal clear to your daughter that HER actions are what resulted in her friends being sent home and the sleepover cancelled.
If she is embarrassed by that, then she only has herself to blame.
NTA!!!
As a girl with 2 older brothers, these were the same rules I had for my sleepovers.. leave your brothers alone. That’s not an unreasonable expectation seeing as you all have to share the home together and she needs to respect him and his personal space and make sure her guests do the same.
I think you handled it perfectly, you told them the rules, they broke the rules, and now they have to deal with the consequences. That’s just how life works.
NTA these are SUCH basic rules
NTA at 17 years old you know damn well what privacy means, she wouldnt like him and his friends in her room, so why would it be ok for her
NTA by a country mile.
Your only two rules were EXTREMELY light. Like along the lines of “I know this goes without saying but don’t be assholes” rules.
At 17 she should be able to follow those rules. Heck, at 7 she should be able to follow those rules.
She and her friends were disrespectful assholes and you responded with entirely appropriate repercussions. Excellent parenting.
I know somebody who impregnated his older sisters’ friend when he was 15. She was 21, and she initiated it. Then she moved away and he didn’t find out he was a dad until ten years later.
NTA Next time tell Noah to shoot you a text so he does not have to endure things until you notice.
NTA. House rules are house rules. Curious what the other parents’ reactions were
NTA
The rules you set were of common courtesy and sense. Your reaction is very much reasonable and understandable, and I’d say you have been nothing but an excellent parent – albeit one caught in a tricky situation.
NTA. FAFO. Best thing for a girl her age.
Nta. Handled perfectly. Noah is going to know from now on that parents protect their kids and are safe places. Your daughter needs to learn how to not be a bully or be influenced by them.
NTA you’re a good parent.
After Noah has some time to decompress, try to find out if they started teasing him sexually…I can easily see 17 year old girls picking on a younger, shyer teen in that way. Touching him, flashing him, asking to see “it” or feel “it”. They easily could have crossed the line into sexual harassment, assault, or low degrees of statutory rape….and should be reported to the police.
NTA. You demonstrated to both kids, that people’s boundaries need to be respected, and that there will be consequences if they’re not. I hope Noah is ok.
NTA. The opposite of TA!
NTA. Let’s put it this way. If a bunch of older teenage boys came over and sat in your much younger daughter’s room, even if it wasn’t sexual, it would be real weird. Why should it be any different for girls. Kudos to you actually standing up for your son when he could not do it himself. That’s what a good parent should do.
You did the right thing. There is a serious societal problem with respecting another human beings’ personal space.
Teaching children its ok to violate this principle is shit parenting.
I know it’s weird to say one adult to another, but I’m proud of you for not only keeping custody of your stepson, but showing him that you care and are his true parent. Knowing that he would need space and care, and providing it goes a long way. And showing them both that they are equal, no favorites. It looks like that’s what you are doing, and that is spectacular.
NTA. You enforced the rules you set. Boundaries are important for both kids. There’s no reason for them to be in his room.
What the absolute fuck were several 17 year olds doing in a fourteen year’s old room? Especially an opposite gendered 14 year old? What exactly is wrong with your daughter because she is sending them in there.
They are way too old for this.
>with him there, one of them was flipping through his sketchbook, another was messing with his other stuff, and they were all kind of giggling in this weird way.
All of them are banned from your house from now on. No more “sleepovers” for your daughter. She needs to go to a therapist. NTA.
Nta . Good going Dad. You told them not to do something and they did it. Clearly a lack of respect for you and Noah.
Your daughter is a bully? Because if Noah is sitting there teary eyed it would be obvious and she just did not care? Bully.
I would have a serious talk with her about respecting and being aware of others feelings.
Why is this even a question? Regardless, whether your kid thinks you’re an asshole or not, it doesn’t matter. You made two rules as the adult of the house and they were broken. then you enforced consequences.
Good job dad, NTA. You handled this great imo.
NTA. If your teen daughter doesn’t think you’re an AH sometimes, you’re not doing it right. Good learning experience for her.
Nta
I would go so far as to say that your daughter may be bullying Noah. Her friends aiming and abetting. At 17 she’s almost an adult and should know better.