I (23F) have a brother (18M) and my mother who have been living with me for two years. My brother recently dropped out of HS didn’t get a GED. After he decided that he would not finish school I set a deadline of him finding a job within a month. Another month passed and I informed mom of me limiting the privileges I give him which is the internet. A bad day came when I asked if he could take my dog outside in the morning and he did not do it until very late so my dog peed all over the floor and dragged it on the new carpet he did not let me know because he wanted to keep playing games so it soaked into the everwhere, this infuriated me and I let him know that everything costs money and I am sick of him not being considerate of the things that are around him. I informed him that I would be removing his internet and I did. When my spouse was back we discussed a solid plan to get him to start doing better and set him up for success which was that if he got a GED I would give him back the internet for 3-4 hours a day and once he got a job all privileges would be returned to him. When my mom was informed of this she immediately got mad at me and threatened that they would move out. Another month passed and I just thought maybe he is studying or at least applying for a job but he was doing none. I started to get a bit more frustrated at this time because I see no progress and stated to blame me for his depression because he has no internet. Today he decided to come to me after being rude to me all week and refusing to do any chores I give him, to ask if he could be on the internet to get some limited edition stuff on one of his games. I told him he couldn’t because he has had a lot of time to get at least a GED to have some internet and that consequences are consequences so he would have to miss out. He began walking away calling me bitch. Once my mom got home I told her what had happened so she could at least tell him to respect me and she said that I was in the wrong that it was just a bit of time he would be on the internet and proceeded to tell me to return it to him to which I informed her that consequences are consequences and he had full control of gaining internet access once he did the right thing. My mom exploded once I told her that and once again started to threaten me saying she has no say in anything that happens in the house or even control over her kid. She said she would just find a place to live and that I was very hard on him and my consequences are just like Nazis. My mother said that she is just trying to protect her boy from me and once she said this I was upset and told her I am not a Nazi for enforcing boundaries to him trying to financially and emotionally take advantage of me. I told her to do whatever she wanted to do and that if she thinks leaving is best she should do it.
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I (23F) have a brother (18M) and my mother who have been living with me for two years. My brother recently dropped out of HS didn’t get a GED. After he decided that he would not finish school I set a deadline of him finding a job within a month. Another month passed and I informed mom of me limiting the privileges I give him which is the internet. A bad day came when I asked if he could take my dog outside in the morning and he did not do it until very late so my dog peed all over the floor and dragged it on the new carpet he did not let me know because he wanted to keep playing games so it soaked into the everwhere, this infuriated me and I let him know that everything costs money and I am sick of him not being considerate of the things that are around him. I informed him that I would be removing his internet and I did. When my spouse was back we discussed a solid plan to get him to start doing better and set him up for success which was that if he got a GED I would give him back the internet for 3-4 hours a day and once he got a job all privileges would be returned to him. When my mom was informed of this she immediately got mad at me and threatened that they would move out. Another month passed and I just thought maybe he is studying or at least applying for a job but he was doing none. I started to get a bit more frustrated at this time because I see no progress and stated to blame me for his depression because he has no internet. Today he decided to come to me after being rude to me all week and refusing to do any chores I give him, to ask if he could be on the internet to get some limited edition stuff on one of his games. I told him he couldn’t because he has had a lot of time to get at least a GED to have some internet and that consequences are consequences so he would have to miss out. He began walking away calling me bitch. Once my mom got home I told her what had happened so she could at least tell him to respect me and she said that I was in the wrong that it was just a bit of time he would be on the internet and proceeded to tell me to return it to him to which I informed her that consequences are consequences and he had full control of gaining internet access once he did the right thing. My mom exploded once I told her that and once again started to threaten me saying she has no say in anything that happens in the house or even control over her kid. She said she would just find a place to live and that I was very hard on him and my consequences are just like Nazis. My mother said that she is just trying to protect her boy from me and once she said this I was upset and told her I am not a Nazi for enforcing boundaries to him trying to financially and emotionally take advantage of me. I told her to do whatever she wanted to do and that if she thinks leaving is best she should do it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not allowing my brother to use the internet for a limited edition item in a game
It’s just a bit of time he would be on the internet
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You need to enforce your boundaries!
They live with you or you live with them? What is the bill structure? Your mom seems to think she has the final say here. As presented, you have the final word. Kick them both out. Your brother has something wrong and your mother is it.
YTA. Exactly how is someone supposed to get a job or study/sign up for a GED exam without internet?
These are rules, not boundaries. And while I have no issues with you having rules in your home, these are rules meant to get a certain set of behaviors out of your brother- essentially, you are trying to parent him. Does he probably need that to some degree? Maybe. But you aren’t helping anyone with how you are going about this.
Please do research on boundaries because what you have here are not boundaries but rules. Boundaries are something you set for yourself not for others. Moving on, you’re NTA for setting rules in your home.
I’m surprised your husband is putting up with these mooches in the house. You’re NTA and I hope your mom does indeed move out and takes her golden child with her.
NTA. First throw out your mother, then if your brother doesn’t change throw him out too. Reason, you got an enabling mother who is the source of failure for both you and your brother. You because, she is overruling your boundaries and then blaming you for her mistakes, your brother because she is making him to be a burden. If family is family and you help out each other, then it also falls on family not be a burden to each others, at least consciously.
So why are you allowing them to live with you when they disrespect you and are unwilling to follow your rules? You really need to respect yourself; if you don’t, they most assuredly won’t.
NTA
Oooooo…. threatening to move out, how terrible.
They need to get their own place. Your brother needs to grow up or your mother think you will provide for him after she is gone?
Info: God, this dynamic is weird.
Does your mom pay rent/expenses for both her and your brother?
NTA; it’s your house, and it’s completely reasonable to expect your brother and mother to contribute to the household and be civil to you.
In fact, you might consider pointing out to your brother that you’re doing him a favor by continuing to treat him like a kid (e.g., punishing him with internet restriction, while allowing him to freeload) while he figures his shit out. As a grown man, it’s up to him to do what he has to do to stay housed, and if occasionally letting the dog outside and refraining from calling his sister a bitch is too much for him, he is welcome to see if he can find a better deal elsewhere.
At 18, it’s both generous and fair to give him the choice, to either go to school (GED), do chores, and follow the house rules like a kid, or make his own way like an adult. But he doesn’t get to just decide he’s going to have the freedom of an adult and the unconditional support of a kid–everybody would pick that, if it were one of the choices.
And your mom–well, that sounds like a whole other mess, but not letting her threaten you with a good time (her moving out) sounds like a good first step. Keep going in that vein.
Not sure where you live, but there are ways to get around not having home wifi. So he may have it anyway. For example, at public libraries, you can check out mobile hot spots. I know this because I thought I was taking the Internet away from my teenage child, but my friend, I was not.
Tell your mom not to threaten you with a good time. They can move. Bye!
NTA
She threatened to move out? Sounds like a gift not a threat, you should take her up on that as you’ve given your brother way more time than initially said as is and he still hasn’t even looked into ged programs from the sound of it. If he’s not developmentally disabled a flying monkey could get a GED if they actually attended most their classes.
NTA
Why don’t you throw the freeloaders out?
NTA. I say 30 day eviction notice for bro–and mom if she argues. Enough is enough. They are totally taking advantage of you and Hubs. You deserve better.
NTA – how is your mom leaving a threat?? that sounds like good news!
ESH. You are taking an inappropriate parental role with your brother, setting rules and requirements for him that have nothing to do with what a bad tenant he is being. And his mother is right there; let her be the parent.
IMO you should be requiring things like chores, and cleaning of the carpet that was peed on. And payment of rent if that’s part of the deal. If your brother and mother can’t be good tenants/housemates, they should not be allowed to stay. And that is where your rights are.
Whether he gets a GED or gets a job is none of your business. It’s his life. Your business is whether or not he meets his tenant/housemate obligations to you.
NTA, and tell them moving forward if he wants access to the internet, he better start paying rent. No rent, no internet. If they don’t like it, they can move.
NTA. It is time for your mother to move out with your brother so she can parent the child she’s responsible for. Let her know the deadline and help her look for places. Let her know there are consequences for adults who are rude to the people who are providing them with food, shelter and paying their bills.
NTA- start the eviction process asap!
NTA, she who pays the bills, has the last say. If your mom don’t like how you are treating her precious, she can spoil him herself by earning money.
If you lived with your mom as an adult and didn’t follow her rules, do you think she would just roll over and take it? Definitely not. Let them leave and enjoy your peace. They are team playing taking advantage of you. I understand depression is real and I’m not overlooking that. However that doesn’t entitle anyone to take advantage of you or be disrespectful. That includes your mother.
She wouldn’t have had to volunteer to leave, I would’ve told her they had no other choice.
NTA. You’ve been too kind.
NTA
With the mother’s behavior, it is not surprising the brother is acting this way!
NTA. Kick em out. No more letting them walk all over you.
Kick. Them. Out.
your mother is enabling your brother into being a loser with no prospects. she cannot make rules in a home she’s staying at, she cannot create her own rules (or lack there of) in her OWN home. NTA, good job on establishing boundaries. But stick to it, stop giving them a month to get right, don’t let them walk over you. it’s your home, you’re not a doormat.