My wife and I have twin daughters who started high school this year. (Anya and Elia)
My twins are nothing alike.
This year Anya got accepted in a school for gifted kids. It’s a very good school and extremely hard to get into. They only accept the brightest kids.
Unfortunately Elia didn’t get accepted.
The problem is, the school is also very expensive but we can afford it if we send Elia to a public school near our house. It’s a very good school.
My wife thinks we shouldn’t send Anya to that school and should send both kids to a private school instead.
I don’t think this is right. This is a really good opportunity for Anya, one she can’t miss.
Also Elia doesn’t need a private school. She is not exactly book smart and I think it’s better if we don’t pressure her too much.
We had disagreements and some fights about this and one day I found out Anya is looking up how to get emancipated because apparently she feels like we don’t care about her and what is best for her.
So I enrolled her in the school for gifted and told my wife afterwards about what I had done.
Now she thinks I’m an asshole and we haven’t really talked since then.
Comments
YTA
such an important decision should be made by both parents. Imagine she did something like that behind your back?
Okay, so far we’ve got what you think, what your wife thinks, and what Anya thinks but there is conspicuously no mention of what Elia thinks about any of this. I feel like that would make or break a verdict.
NTA
You stood up for your daughter. BIG NTA
NTA. Well, you have to do what you think is best for the kids!! You have twins who are as different as chalk and cheese academically! So, what you have to do is put their academic differences aside, and treat them as equals in every other way. That is, no favoritisms or expressions of disappointment on either of them because they will both have their own “failures and successes” just like any kids do. You have to reassure them that they are loved, cared for and appreciated equally. The danger I see is that your wife will favour Elia to compensate for her not getting into the same school as Anya, and the fact that you don’t agree to them both going to a private school. I can see that if your wife treat Elia more favourably than Anya, there could be an even greater family rift. As for Elia trying to get emancipated over her education, she must think that the world owes her! If she insists, and is successful in getting emancipated, will she still rely on mummy and daddy to support her financially!! Of course!! Good luck!!
Have either of you asked your daughters what their feelings are about all this? While young teens shouldn’t necessarily get to make the final decision, as it’s the parents’ job as their parents, your daughters are old enough to have at least some say in the events that affect them.
NTA for wanting your kid to thrive in a school designed for her abilities, but YTA for cutting your wife out of the decision. Parenting twins doesn’t mean treating them the same, but it does mean you need to be a united front when big choices come up.
YTA- this was a joint decision and you went and did your own thing. Why didn’t you and your wife sit the girls down separately and ask them what they wanted. So now what happens to Elia, what if she really wants to go to the private school. What if a private school would have brought the best out in her. You are an AH for how you speak about your daughters, Anya is obviously your favourite. Don’t think for one minute Elia will forget this…. Something similar happened with me and my sister…. I’m 49 and it definitely affected my relationship with my parents. It never went back to the closeness we had. Hopefully Elia does well despite you and your lack of support and moves far away to focus on herself
Not gonna sugarcoat it, sounds like a mess. imho, it’s crucial to cater for each kid’s unique potential. Anya nailed it into the gifted school, let her shine there. Meanwhile, Elia, without that academic pressure, might find her own path in public school. Communication is needed here, you guys gotta let Elia know she’s not any less valued. Remember, not everyone has to fit into the book smart category to be successful. Chill on it, dude. Talk to your wife, involve your kids in the convo too.
YTA
Not for enrolling her because that was the right choice.
But doing it behind your wife’s back? That is low.
And your other daughter? If I was your wife your other daughter would be going to whatever private school I could get her into that was a good fit, because you don’t sacrifice one child’s education for the other.
YTA
that’s a joint decision and you’ve just ignored that and gone and done what you wanted. If Anya is that gifted, regardless of the school she attends she’ll succeed. I’ve known friends with kids that were gifted , it made no difference in the end , in fact the one kid I think of didn’t do a degree.
Yeah, YTA here, not for wanting the best for Anya, but for going behind your wife’s back. Parenting twins is already delicate, and making such a big decision unilaterally creates division and resentment. You both needed to be on the same page, especially since this directly affects Elia too. Anya deserves the opportunity, but your wife deserves partnership and a say.
NTA for enrolling Anya, but YTA if you don’t repair things with your wife and Elia. You can’t just drop this decision and walk away, you need a plan to make sure both kids feel equally supported, even if their paths look different.
People seem to forget that twins don’t mean one person split in half. They don’t need to follow the same path in life. It’s normally a natural split as they get older and choose different careers, family choices, etc. but it’s happening earlier here.
Don’t stop the achievement and opportunity for one person because another didn’t get it.
I’m sure it’ll cause rifts but Anya will forever be wondering “what if” and that can be so damaging. It’s a shame Elia didn’t get in, but she’ll find her place in something else.
Holding back one person for another because they shared a womb is unfair.
It’s a horrible situation to be in, I feel for you.
UpdateMe!
YTA.
Sneaking Anya into the fancy school without your wife’s buy-in wasn’t just a power move; it’s a recipe for family drama. Playing favourites with your twins by labelling one “gifted” and the other “not book smart” sets up a lifelong sibling rivalry. Equal love, equal respect, or get ready for the fallout.
Does Elia want to attend a private school? Would the cost of Elia attending a private school prevent Anya from attending the gifted school?
I have a daughter and she has 2 younger sisters that her dad (we divorced when my daughter now 23 was a baby) paid for them to go to private school but refused to contribute the same for her!
That’s had a devastating effect on my daughter because she was treated differently by her father and now as an adult has gone no contact.
Send one of your daughters to the gifted school by all means but also you should give your other daughter the same choice of what school she wants to go to! If she can’t go to the gifted school then let her choose the school she would like to go to, private or not!
Why does one daughter get the choice and not the other? Because one had a paddy and threatened to not have anything to do with you now?
The other one will just wait till she is older and not have anything to do with you!
Stop playing favourites!
Yes ytah!
It looks like your children are engaged in a siblings war . Now they think they know who’s sides with each one. They will think you side with one daughter and your wife sides with the other. Look out for more trouble ahead ! Plus now your wife will distrust your actions and doubt your motivation. And you’ve damaged your marriage . Talk more to everyone to reconcile . To paraphrase – A little more conversation, a little less action !
NTA if your wife wants you to hold back a gifted child to satisfy the petty jealousies of an average academic kid, your wife is TA & maybe you should divorce. Little Miss Average Academic is already jealous of her smarter sister so it’s way past time they were separated. But it’s time you taught everyone here that different people have different strengths & no 2 are alike. Attending public school is not shameful, the smartest people I know went to public school & are doing better than my spoilt brat cousins who went private, learnt nothing & got worse jobs than I, their public schooled cousin.
NTA. People saying YTA for not making a joint decision obviously not been in relationships where one person wants to dominate. Glad you did the right thing for Anya.
YTA. There is a dynamic in your household of you and Anya on one side and Elia and your wife on the other so both you and your wife have caused a hostile environment of picking one twin that has played them off on each other. Every single comment you have made shows how proud you are of Anya while downplaying Elia. Your wife probably started sticking up for Elia to balance the scales and Elia is jealous because her father doesn’t see her as the smart and gifted one so she lashes out at her sister. Your family needs therapy. It seems like most of this dynamic comes from you, but you won’t listen.
Anya is entitled holy shit. Emancipation because they cant afford private school twice over?!?!
Wtf. Let her do it and pay for herself. 🤣
NTA.
Sending Anya to that school was the right thing to do for her. She will likely benefit significantly from attending, not just academically, but socially as well.
You signing her up unilaterally is a bit more ethically problematic, given that marital decision-making should be joint where possible. But you two were at an impasse and your position was the right one, so you are the least assholish of you and your wife.
One daughter has a special developmental need. The other does not. If Anya were diabetic, would your wife claim that she shouldn’t get insulin because it’s not fair to Elia?
That said, if Elia wants to go to private school, you and your wife should work together to make it happen, if not this year, then next year, if possible. Or maybe she would like an exchange student year somewhere cool.
You need to do what’s best for both kids. Good job on enrolling anaya
I get u want wats best for your children. But yes YTA for enrolling your daughter in a private school without telling your wife. Thats her daughter too
In a few years, OP will be wondering why he’s divorced and one of his daughters doesn’t talk to him.
YTA.
NTA. One daughter earned her a spot, and it’s a great opportunity for her to succeed. Don’t let the less academically successful daughter hold her sister back.