All right guys, never thought I’d find myself here but honestly feeling like the asshole either way I play this and could use a hand getting other people‘s perspectives.
My (40f) mom planned and paid for a family vacation for her and me/my two siblings and our families. We are going to a town we used to vacation in when we were kids. She wants to go to a specific restaurant we used to go to just her and me/sibs and leave the spouses home with the kids.
It’s not a fancy restaurant, but she isn’t confident the kids can behave up to her standards (and I am not either.) I told her I thought the spouses would be fine with it.
But when I told my husband, he was excited to go out to eat all together, and then noticeably let down when I said she wanted him to stay home with the kids.
We’ve been married since we were 21. There’s a whole history of mom not accepting any of her kids’ partners as “her own,” and -in our opinions- excluding them. (Her in-laws treated her as a bit of an outcast, which she disliked and resented them for.) It’s fine I guess but always seems to have hurt my husband’s feelings since he lost his parents as a teen.
I know he’s a big boy and would be fine to stay home with the kids and I know my mom is lonely and really cherishes the memories of “the old days” and I feel like I should just go and enjoy it, but now I’m thinking of 20 years of him being excluded and feeling sad and disloyal.
So AITA if I go w/o him? WIBTA if I declined to go instead?
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All right guys, never thought I’d find myself here but honestly feeling like the asshole either way I play this and could use a hand getting other people‘s perspectives.
My (40f) mom planned and paid for a family vacation for her and me/my two siblings and our families. We are going to a town we used to vacation in when we were kids. She wants to go to a specific restaurant we used to go to just her and me/sibs and leave the spouses home with the kids.
It’s not a fancy restaurant, but she isn’t confident the kids can behave up to her standards (and I am not either.) I told her I thought the spouses would be fine with it.
But when I told my husband, he was excited to go out to eat all together, and then noticeably let down when I said she wanted him to stay home with the kids.
We’ve been married since we were 21. There’s a whole history of mom not accepting any of her kids’ partners as “her own,” and -in our opinions- excluding them. (Her in-laws treated her as a bit of an outcast, which she disliked and resented them for.) It’s fine I guess but always seems to have hurt my husband’s feelings since he lost his parents as a teen.
I know he’s a big boy and would be fine to stay home with the kids and I know my mom is lonely and really cherishes the memories of “the old days” and I feel like I should just go and enjoy it, but now I’m thinking of 20 years of him being excluded and feeling sad and disloyal.
So AITA if I go w/o him? WIBTA if I declined to go instead?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH if I go w/o my husband because I would be implicitly condoning my mom excluding him from fun family things and hurting his feelings and I love him and he is my number one relational priority.
I might be the AH if I refuse to go because my mom is paying for the vacation and just wants to relive our childhood memories and she’s old and lonely, and I would be cruel to deprive her of that.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You say your mom has a history of excluding your spouses, and it bothers your spouse. What have you done to address this?
I think YWBTA if you left him behind. It’s not too much to confront your mom over this.
NTA to go. I honestly get your husband disappointed, but your mom was very inclusive of him and generous to pay for whole families to go on the vacation. This is all she’s asking for. Hopefully they can find something enjoyable to do while you’re out.
YTA for allowing your mom to treat your husband as other for decades especially when he has lost both of his parents. You don’t have in-laws to exclude you so you have no idea how it feels.
I think YTA. If it was an unusual occurrence, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but 20 years of being excluded, I feel bad for your spouse.
If it was a one-time-thing I’d say it’s fine for your husband to stay at home because he’ll get over it. But since you say your mother excluded him (and your sibling’s partners) repeatedly I think YTA for thinking about doing everything according to your mother’s wishes. He’s your husband, you should be on his team.
20 years of feeling excluded is a pretty long time. Have you expressed this to your mom? She should really have been made aware its not appreciated by you. The fact that he lost his parents so young, i would think, makes this really difficult for him.
I don’t think you’re the asshole either way, but personally, I would tell my mom how important it would be to ME for him to be there.
You are the a hole grow up get some balls 🤯
I’m sorry for your loss boomer
YTA, eventually he will get sick of being excluded and will no longer care if you’re around or you’re not.
You allow and encourage your mom to treat him like shit.
When he leaves you don’t act surprised.
Yta kids the days 🙏🙏🙏
INFO
> leave the spouses home with the kids
Did this town outlaw babysitters?
> We’ve been married since we were 21
> My (40f)
> she isn’t confident the kids can behave up to her standards (and I am not either.)
I mean, how old are these kids anyway?
[deleted]
Time for you to grow a spine & tell mom you will stay home with your hub
I’m with everyone else who’s saying that this is a pattern, and therefore not a benign one-off for which your mom should be indulged. You need to ask yourself, who is more important to you, your husband or your mother? YWBTA
NTAH
As long as no other children are going my children I mean grandchildren and it is only her biological children then no. Your mother or your father is allowed to take out their child without their child’s spouse
This is a tough one!! Before judgement, let me ask: are there other dinners planned for everyone or is this the only dinner outing planned for the trip?
What have you done to stick up for your husband since she seems to treat him and the other son in law so cold and like outcasts? Sorry but it sounds like your mother is the asshole here and maybe you share some of the blame since this has been happening for 20 years!?
YTA
Everyone in the family is opposed to this, yet mom is insistent. Worse, she refuses to acknowledge that this is part of a pattern of exclusionary behaviour.
For you to go along with her on these facts is to fail in your duty to support your spouse.
“I’m sorry mom. You’re excluded my husband for the last time. If he were generally included and this was a one time visit to the restaurant for nostalgia sake, that would be a different story. But the actual story is that you’ve rejected and excluded my husband for years and I profoundly regret having gone along with it. So no more. From now on, if you don’t plan to invite my husband and treat him like family when he gets there, don’t invite me.”
And yeah, YWBTA. Go have a serious discussion with your husband, opening with an apology.
your mother has purposefully excluded your husband from things for two decades? and you don’t see an issue with that? there is nothing wrong with a ‘just family’ dinner. but going out of your way to make all your sons and daughters in law feel like they don’t belong is wrong. and YTA if you don’t stand up for your husband and say something. i can’t imagine how that would make me feel.
YTA. How would you feel if the roles were reversed, good lord woman find some backbone and stand up for your husband. You allow your Mother to disrespect your spouse in the name of core family togetherness. I hope you don’t do this to your kids when they someday get married. Get with the siblings and put Mom on notice to accept spouses or go NC.
So the mom resented being treated like an outcast and does exactly the same thing to her own family. Tolerating this behaviour is wrong. YTA
Not the asshole.
If all spouses and children are being excluded then I can at least see your mom’s actions as fair, but it does feel sort of controlling on your mom’s side. The fact that she wants them all to stay home is such a red flag to me. Your spouses and children are an extension of you and therefore and extension of her family as well. Why not share that experience with the entire “new” family? Also why blame it on the children possibly being unruly?
If you wanted to stay home with your partner I think that you are totally in your rights to do so, but based off what you shared I wouldn’t be surprised if doing so started a fight of some kind with your mom.
Your mom may have a history of excluding the spouses, however she included and paid for all of them on this trip. They’re included, and that’s worth noting. I think it’s reasonable for her to want a single meal with just her own kids, at a place you have childhood memories together at that your spouses were not part of. I think, if you talk to your husband and explain all of that, and he can get more comfortable with the notion that this is a singular meal out of the whole trip he is included in, then YWNBTA if you go. Plus, it could make for some quality bonding time for him and the other spouses and the kids.
Honestly? After 20 years of marriage, the “he’ll be fine” approach feels dismissive. He’s told you it hurts. That should matter
At first I thought it was completely normal for a mom to want to have a special dinner with her just her kids. But this part made the do a 180: “There’s a whole history of mom not accepting any of her kids’ partners as “her own,” and -in our opinions- excluding them.”
YTA- you are married, time to be a big girl and untie the apron strings .
NTA it’s a generous gift from your mother and a small request to have one night with her children. Your husband is TA for making this a big deal. If he wants to have an adult dinner out during this trip, he can make arrangements for childcare and reservations for a different night. He’s not your mom’s child and while it’s sad that he lost his own parents, it’s not fair to expect her to fill that role.
YTA. You have let your husband be excluded and ignored for 20 years and all you can say is “I know he’s a big boy and would be fine to stay home with the kids and I know my mom is lonely and really cherishes the memories of “the old days” and I feel like I should just go and enjoy it, but now I’m thinking of 20 years of him being excluded and feeling sad and disloyal.” Maybe your first thought should have been thinking how disloyal you were. It’s NOT fine that she is always “not accepting any of her kids’ partners as “her own,” and -in our opinions- excluding them.”
Your first responsibility is to your immediate family – your spouse and children. Instead, it seems like he is an afterthought. You will be lucky if he doesn’t start thinking about a divorce. How long does he have to be the other in your relationship?
ESH – generally I think it’s ok for parents to have some time with their grown married/partnered kids without the kids SOs.
If your Mom was a better person to your spouse and had preplanned and communicated that during the vacation she’d like one dinner at a restaurant with just her kids – I’d understand and I think that’s ok.
However, in these circumstances……honestly, OP I also have a problem with you and your husband accepting her vacation if your husband is carrying these feelings.
I think her ask isn’t unreasonable but for you to draw the line at dinner while still accepting a vacation for your family seems a bit hyprocritical.
I want to tell you take a stand but you’re taking this woman’s $ in the form of a vacation so if she wants one dinner with her kids then why not?
Also, OP you are part of the issue. After 20 years you don’t know how to deal with this? You haven’t set boundaries with your Mom? You, yes you, continue to place your husband in this situation.
By now your mother should know where you stand (which I’d hope would be with your spouse) and you should know your answer to these requests.
For e.g. – in maybe a medical emergency, kids only. Maybe you all have a monthly or quarterly (or however often) lunch/dinner etc with her, kids only. Maybe if it’s a sensitive topic or emergency situation, kids only.
However, family vacations – include everyone or agree in advance one dinner (inform spouses so they’re not put on the spot). Celebrations – everyone etc.
My point is where have you set the boundaries to protect your husband while still understanding your Mom needs time with her and her kids?
These are two different issues:
Your husband is not your mom’s son and it is HER choice if she wants fill a role due to the loss of his parents. While that’s unfortunate that he lost his parents, your parents don’t have to become “like parents” to him.
On the other side, not being someone “surrogate parent” doesn’t make your mom N T A; wanting dinner with just her kids is fine, but if she’s being in a way “exclusionary” this is where I’d think you’d need to create a boundary with your spouse.
I think your husband needs to reset his expectations on the relationship he’s going to have with your mom but you also have to make sure that your husband doesn’t feel excluded from your life
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NTA. 20 years of being excluded is rough
I would be extremely hurt and offended if I were the spouse being asked to stay home. In that scenario you would be TA.
eta:typo
INFO
Is there any reason there can’t be another dinner with everyone?
bruh 20 years is a long time to be an afterthought. that’s rough.
Hold on here- your mom is paying for your husband to go on vacation. She just wants one meal during the trip with her own grown children. If you are having every other meal together, give your mom some credit for all the ways she is including your husband.
NTA if you go without him and enjoy one childfree meal with your sibs and mom.
You know, I sometimes get frustrated at my in laws for making me feel guilty for not spending enough time with them, but at least they’re not purposely excluding me from family outings.
Your family has grown. It’s not just you and your siblings and mother anymore. Your spouses and kids are all part of it and it looks a little different than the “old days” but that’s ok! It is not ok for your mom to treat your spouses as through they matter less. YTA if you go along with it.
YTA.
If this was a one-off, special occasion and your mom was usually inclusive and welcoming of her children’s partners, I’d say that your husband and the other partners ought to suck it up for one night if they don’t like it. But your mom has this pattern of excluding all of your partners, and that has me wondering why y’all tolerate her treating your partners this way. When your family is not good to your partner, a good partner demands better from the offender, especially if it’s a repeat offender. If the poorly behaving family member can’t or won’t behave better, you choose your spouse.
You are not the asshole but your mother is. Reading the comments she sounds like a bitter, insecure, emotionally immature person. I don’t blame your spouse for being upset. You may think this is trivial, but it’s a pattern of disrespect that will only get worse.
Just go. Your mom just wants to be with her babies. So what?
Yta, are you seriously doubting that? Poor husband, not sure why he’s put up with you this long. He should go out on his own and you can figure out a sitter since you just assumed he’d be staying in with the kids. He’s only 40, he can find himself a better more supportive wife/ partner. You are just so self centered and awful wife.
“I’m on the verge of continuing a pattern of minor abuse that’s been going on with significant consequences for years…. Should I just keep doing that?” No, no you shouldn’t. And how are these possibly the only options. Grow a spine. Stick up for yourself, your family, and your husband. Say you’re bringing him, and to deal with it.
YWBTA.
Your mom is giant long term asshole to your husband and you seem fine with that. NTA for one dinner but definitely the asshole for 20 years of this nonsense
If this was a one off, where one time in 20 years of marriage she wanted a dinner with just her kids, I’d say NTA. But it sounds like this is a regular occurrence. For that, YTA. It’s rude, and the kids are clearly an excuse. Your mother and you are hurting your husbands feelings, id never be ok with that.
So the spouses were brought along as babysitters. And you don’t understand why your husband is upset? YTA. Your mom has a history of this nonsense. Your family is your husband and children and it’s about damn time you stood up to your mom. Family means no one gets left behind.
20 years and he gets “he’s a big boy he can deal with it” wtf man
Pick a family for Christ’s sake.
Ok thanks all for weighing in! I appreciate everyone’s input and diverse perspectives. I’m done responding. Have a good night (or whatever time of day it is where you are!)
Stop blaming your mother bc you are complicit in mistreating your husband. The two of you are mistreating him.
ESH. Your relationship with your husband should come first, so if this bothers him, take it seriously. I get where you’re coming from, wanting a sibs dinner but also how it hurts hubby given your mom’s history. My family takes turns on vacation staying in with the kids or going somewhere else for dinner so we can all have adult nights. If you really want a sibs dinner, I’d suggest grandma staying in with the kids so the sibs and spouses can go out a different night.
It’s OK for a parent to want some 1:1 time with their kids, especially if nostalgia is part of the drive.
However you’ve mentioned a prolonged history of exclusion and coldness from your mum towards all the partners.
Viewed in isolation, the request for the 1:1 nostalgia dinner is innocent, but combined with the history I can see why it was taken as a gut-punch by your partner. Yeah she’s paying for the holiday, but in your partners shoes I’d take it as done out of obligation rather than out of kindness.
You mentioned in a comment the trip is still in planning phase, so you could ensure there’s a family dinner at a restaurant included so your partner gets to be excited once again. However that might still not be taken well, because it might feel like a cop out now to your partner – only added in once they made their feelings known AND then were dismissed.
YTA. First off, apologize to your husband for allowing this bullshit to go on for over two decades. As you should’ve been standing up for him instead of allowing your mother to treat him or any of the other spouses like this. After that, put your foot down and tell your mother that things are going to change. Either she starts treating the in-laws with more respect or she’s going to be even lonelier than she is now. As you won’t spend time with her until she changes her tune.
Yta
YTA. Omg do you even like your husband??? You so casually say his feelings get hurt, but oh, it’s ok, YOU’RE fine with the way he gets treated by your mom. Newsflash, partners are supposed to be supportive, and you most definitely are not.
Truthfully, I was on your side until I saw the way you acted in the comments. YTA.
YTA and so is your mom. You AND your mom have excluded him for decades. You’re showing him that you don’t care about his feelings. Neither does she. Both you and your mom are selfish.
It’s a family vacation that she’s paying for and she wants 1 dinner with just her kids? How is that too much to ask?
YTA ngl. Id exclude you from the marriage. It’s clear you want to pick mommy.
YTA. She is treating your husband the same way her in-laws treated her and you are enabling it. Tell her the chain of abusive treatment stops here.
I’m going to go the other direction here. NTA. Your mom is funding a vacation for you, your family, your siblings, and their families, and all she wants is a dinner out with just her kids. No spouses or grandkids, just you, your siblings, and your mom like in the old days. I think for a free vacation, the spouse can stay with the kids and order pizza and make it a pizza and party night. Let your mom have this trip down memory lane. You never know when you’ll no longer have her around.
And if this is a common thing, your mother excluding the spouses, discuss it with her.
YTA, yes.
YTA. Your mom has excluded your husband for 21 years and you just let it happen? That’s crazy.
>There’s a whole history of mom not accepting any of her kids’ partners as “her own,” and -in our opinions- excluding them.
YTA The problem is that this is not a one-off “let’s relive the old days” thing, which would be understandable and acceptable. This instead fits into the pattern of exclusion and non-acceptance. It’s this history that taints what otherwise could be an innocent event and makes it something else. Capitulating to your mother would be enabling her exclusionary tendencies and indicating to her that your loyalties are to her rather than to your spouse when it comes to making these kind of choices. Whether you mean it that way or not, I suspect that those would be the vibes picked up both by your mother and your husband.
Husband 100% deserves a better wife. You have gone out of your way for 20 years to exclude him. You are incredibly selfish and he needs to divorce you asap
Why did you even post on here? Given the comments you’re extremely sensitive to criticism? You were looking for a bunch of people to tell you it’s ok, and when they don’t you’re throwing a tantrum like a little girl. Honestly I feel sorry for your husband and that one day he’ll decide to stop being your door mat.
What is the standard that your mum expects that your kids don’t measure up to? Either your raising your kids like animals in which case you should be ditched along with your husband or your mum expects too much of your kids in which case you don’t have their backs either. You said it’s a place your all went to as kids do not sure why they couldn’t go, so yeah you’re right
YTA and big time. You don’t deserve your family
I would never chose anyone’s happiness or feelings over my husbands. Ever.
This is horrible. I’ve been married for 21+ years and when we said “I do” both our families grew to include the other. My parents treat my husband like family and vice versa. Both sides have always been extraordinarily welcoming and warm. I can’t imagine it any other way.
Your mother of all people should know better as she suffered the same poor treatment she now inflicts on your spouses. You all need to stop kowtowing to this awful and dysfunctional behaviour, especially after DECADES of it. Good Lord. Grow a spine and tell her it ends now.
YWBTA if you exclude him once more.
You and your so called family sucks royally! The past is over. Id probably leave the trip and go home so you can spend the rest of your life being a puppet for your parents! If my mom asked me that i would straight up tell her no and bring my family! And tell her she can reminisce just fine with the whole family there.
Just book an adjoining table, bring whomever the F you want. I’m not trying to be insensitive. In the really BIG scheme of things, this just a lil road bump.
Are you going to allow your mother to set the agenda for your entire future?
It’s a family vacation. Excluding family makes it a “members only” event. YTA, at the very least hire a sitter and let your husband go do something with the other spouses. Your mother should pay for the sitters as well. You can have your event, and the spouses can bond over how crappy your mom is.