My ex (43M) and I (40F) have been on and off for five years — mostly long-distance. I have a gene mutation that puts me at high risk for ovarian cancer, so I’m getting my ovaries removed this year. I’ve gone through two failed IVF rounds with no viable eggs — it’s been brutal.
After my last failed cycle, I visited him and we went to a concert. We ended up sleeping together without protection. He knew I was ovulating and on fertility meds. I even asked if he was sure, and he said yes.
About a week later, I started feeling off. I took early tests and got a mix of faint positives and negatives. The clinic told me to wait and retest. I spent 13 days in limbo. Eventually, bloodwork confirmed I was pregnant, but it wasn’t viable — I’d miscarry naturally.
I called him immediately. He was emotional, cried, apologized for not being there, and said he wanted to be involved in my next IVF cycle to create embryos together. He said he’d call that night… but didn’t. I figured he needed space.
He texted the next day to ask how I was. I replied “taking it minute by minute.” I was a mess. I’ve had a miscarriage before, and this one triggered everything. After all the IVF loss, this felt like a miracle — and losing it devastated me.
He apologized for not calling and said he’d fallen off a ladder and cracked his shoulder. The next few days, the conversation was only about his injury — nothing about the miscarriage.
I finally told him I was spiraling and needed support. He read it… and said nothing.
Two days later, he drunk-texted something random. I told him I felt abandoned. He blew up and said I was selfish — that I never asked how he was feeling.
That same day, I had started spotting. I was actively miscarrying. I was already shattered, and then we argued. He called me a “selfish b*tch” and said because I’d already had a miscarriage, I should’ve known what to expect and didn’t need that much support.
I blocked him.
He called anonymously to apologize — but then doubled down, saying I was still selfish for not asking how he was doing during it.
Here’s where I might be the AH:
I told him expecting me to check on his emotions while I was physically miscarrying is like someone being mad you didn’t ask how they were handling your terminal illness. Yes, miscarriage impacts both people — but I was the one bleeding, in pain, and grieving a baby I wanted more than anything. His excuse for disappearing was that I didn’t check on him. That felt like emotional cowardice.
He said I minimized his pain. Maybe I did. But he rarely shares emotion. I told him: if he needed support, he could’ve said something — not ghost me and then blame me for not reading his mind.
What really stings is that during all of this, he drove four hours to see his best friend who had surgery and wasn’t doing well mentally. He showed up for him — but left me completely alone.
So… AITA for being angry he abandoned me during my miscarriage and not checking in on how he was coping?
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My ex (43M) and I (40F) have been on and off for five years — mostly long-distance. I have a gene mutation that puts me at high risk for ovarian cancer, so I’m getting my ovaries removed this year. I’ve gone through two failed IVF rounds with no viable eggs — it’s been brutal.
After my last failed cycle, I visited him and we went to a concert. We ended up sleeping together without protection. He knew I was ovulating and on fertility meds. I even asked if he was sure, and he said yes.
About a week later, I started feeling off. I took early tests and got a mix of faint positives and negatives. The clinic told me to wait and retest. I spent 13 days in limbo. Eventually, bloodwork confirmed I was pregnant, but it wasn’t viable — I’d miscarry naturally.
I called him immediately. He was emotional, cried, apologized for not being there, and said he wanted to be involved in my next IVF cycle to create embryos together. He said he’d call that night… but didn’t. I figured he needed space.
He texted the next day to ask how I was. I replied “taking it minute by minute.” I was a mess. I’ve had a miscarriage before, and this one triggered everything. After all the IVF loss, this felt like a miracle — and losing it devastated me.
He apologized for not calling and said he’d fallen off a ladder and cracked his shoulder. The next few days, the conversation was only about his injury — nothing about the miscarriage.
I finally told him I was spiraling and needed support. He read it… and said nothing.
Two days later, he drunk-texted something random. I told him I felt abandoned. He blew up and said I was selfish — that I never asked how he was feeling.
That same day, I had started spotting. I was actively miscarrying. I was already shattered, and then we argued. He called me a “selfish b*tch” and said because I’d already had a miscarriage, I should’ve known what to expect and didn’t need that much support.
I blocked him.
He called anonymously to apologize — but then doubled down, saying I was still selfish for not asking how he was doing during it.
Here’s where I might be the AH:
I told him expecting me to check on his emotions while I was physically miscarrying is like someone being mad you didn’t ask how they were handling your terminal illness. Yes, miscarriage impacts both people — but I was the one bleeding, in pain, and grieving a baby I wanted more than anything. His excuse for disappearing was that I didn’t check on him. That felt like emotional cowardice.
He said I minimized his pain. Maybe I did. But he rarely shares emotion. I told him: if he needed support, he could’ve said something — not ghost me and then blame me for not reading his mind.
What really stings is that during all of this, he drove four hours to see his best friend who had surgery and wasn’t doing well mentally. He showed up for him — but left me completely alone.
So… AITA for being angry he abandoned me during my miscarriage and not checking in on how he was coping?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might have been an asshole by minimizing my partners feelings during my miscarriage and telling him that his feelings don’t really matter because I was the one going through the physical miscarriage.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA and please block him everywhere and move on. You deserve better. ❤️
NTA. He left you to deal with it all by yourself, and when confronted, he tried to put the blame in your shoes. Ditch the jerk 🗑️
I mean a good question I’ll ask is why you two are still in contact to begin with and why he’s your “ex” and yet you two slept together? i’m incredibly confused by that part
anyways NTA.
What a selfish bastard. Block him and NEVER unblock. NTA.
NTA—keep him on the ex list where he belongs, he’s not emotionally mature enough for an adult relationship
NTA – he’s obviously having a lot of difficulty processing his feelings. I don’t normally like to compare people’s struggles as better or worse, just different.
But in this case I do think that even if his shoulder hurt, you’re actively in the middle of miscarrying! I mean come on! Imagine walking by the scene of a car accident and someone is trapped in their car bleeding, and while you walk by you twist your ankle. Twisted ankle should not expect more attention than trapped and bleeding.
Please consider whether having a baby with him is what you really want, because he may not be emotionally ready to be a partner or a father. If he’s willing, couples’ therapy might help.
NTA. Keep him blocked. That relationship isn’t going anywhere healthy, and it’s the last thing you need when you’re going through another miscarriage.
NTA. Was he going through something too? Sure. But he chose to be absent, to shut off. Meanwhile you still have to deal with the physical experience of miscarrying.
TBH, you saw this man’s true colors. Believe what you see. When the chips are down he is going to abandon you, he already has. He is not at all worth your time or effort.
You guys need to let each other go. You’re clearly toxic together and the miscarriages just adds to the stress and pain.
NTA
You were tight to call him out and he just doubted down.
You aren’t his emotional support blanket, especially when you are miscarrying yet again and that’s… just… heart breaking….
Just block him. Let him cry on someone law’s shoulder. If they have half a brain they will know the real story.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I hope you can get some counselling or something. You need support.
NTA, unless you keep doing the on and off thing. It’s over. Keep it off for your own sanity.
NTA, but please, don’t have a child with this man, ffs. I understand that this is time sensitive and hurtful, but this is not worth it imho.
NTA your ex is a massive AH and blocking him is best to help you move forward with your life. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
NTA.
It doesn’t sound like you two are close. Maybe you’re close to him but he’s not. Do you two live close by? And did he state he’d go help you make more embryos without asking if you even wanted to try again right now or was that your decision? This is very important because it’s your body, you need to take care of it, this is your call to make and taking a break from attempting to conceive isn’t a bad thing but again. That is your decision to make.
You just had a miscarriage- an event that impacts all parts of you, not just your body, and he whines about his shoulder, ignores your feelings and snaps at you for communicating your needs when you’re vulnerable?
He does not sound like a partner you could make a family with honestly. But that’s my opinion based on the little but damning information I have. Your relationship is on again and off again, he snapped at you when you were at your lowest, he didn’t come visit you to comfort you or even take the time to listen to your grief/frustration. He’s left you alone with it. Even if he was there at first.
Do you have anyone else who you can call for comfort? A family member, a close friend, a pet? I know, pets don’t hit the same when crying but at least they care right? You need someone who’s there for you. Not to whine and snap when you communicated your needs.
Please be kind to yourself, get some ice cream, cuddle a pet/plushie, put your favourite movie or music on, get into some comfy clothes… Anything that makes you feel good and happier.
Edit: I may have missed some bits, I’m sorry but what I say still stands. The only edits I could add are these:
He may be grieving too but that doesn’t mean he can abandon you as well, he went and got drunk with a busted shoulder when he could have come to you or called. His mind should be on you first then the baby. Grief is complex and finicky but the worst thing you can do is ignore it.
Stay off again with this asshat and never go on again. And most certainly do go making babies with him. NTA.
You are going through way too much emotionally to be in a situationship. There’s no guarantee of emotional support in one either.
NTA but there’s a reason this relationship has been dragging its sorry carcass around for 5 years: it’s nowhere near good enough for either of you to commit but you’re both avoiding ending it for good. I think being called a selfish bitch after dealing with the miscarriage of a very much wanted pregnancy, a pregnancy that might be your last, should be enough reason to end it. But that’s just me.
NTA
But get therapy. This man treated you horribly and I’m sure this isn’t the first time. Block him and get on with your life. He’s happy to use you for sex but won’t stand by you when things go wrong. Having a baby wth this man would be a nightmare. It’s time to get your life together and you can’t do that with him in the background.
Do you really want to be tied to this man for the next 18 years? Go no contact. You’re better to have a sperm donor than a deadbeat on the birth certificate.
YTA – To yourself. This is not the man to have an 18+ year long commitment with, no matter how much shared history you have together.
He’s shown you that he won’t be there any time your child is sick or needs help. Don’t do that to yourself OR any future children.