I live with my girlfriend and we split rent and bills 50/50. This includes the grocery shopping. My girlfriend goes grocery shopping with her mum every two weeks. I’ve offered to go instead but she likes going and spending time with her mum.
She’ll go shopping and then tell me how much it was and I’ll transfer her half of the money. This has worked fine but I’ve started noticing she’s coming back with things that are just for her and not groceries.
An example of this is a few weeks ago she came back with some new trousers and shirts for work. The time after that was a lot of food specifically for her to take to work and then this weekend she came back with a jacket.
The bill this week was a lot higher than usual so I asked if it was because of the jacket and she said yeah. I told her that I’m meant to be paying for groceries not for her clothes.
I said my half should be including the groceries only. I said from now on I think we should either go together or she should show me the receipt when she gets back.
She said I was being unreasonable but I pointed out I shouldn’t be buying her clothes and she shouldn’t be expecting me to pay for stuff she decides she wants. I said I’m paying for groceries and that’s it.
She again said I wasn’t being fair and that it’s not like she’s getting a lot but I just refused to pay for half going forward unless I’m there when the shopping is being done or she shows me a receipt so I know I’m only paying for groceries.
AITAH for refusing to keep paying for half of the grocery shopping?
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I live with my girlfriend and we split rent and bills 50/50. This includes the grocery shopping. My girlfriend goes grocery shopping with her mum every two weeks. I’ve offered to go instead but she likes going and spending time with her mum.
She’ll go shopping and then tell me how much it was and I’ll transfer her half of the money. This has worked fine but I’ve started noticing she’s coming back with things that are just for her and not groceries.
An example of this is a few weeks ago she came back with some new trousers and shirts for work. The time after that was a lot of food specifically for her to take to work and then this weekend she came back with a jacket.
The bill this week was a lot higher than usual so I asked if it was because of the jacket and she said yeah. I told her that I’m meant to be paying for groceries not for her clothes.
I said my half should be including the groceries only. I said from now on I think we should either go together or she should show me the receipt when she gets back.
She said I was being unreasonable but I pointed out I shouldn’t be buying her clothes and she shouldn’t be expecting me to pay for stuff she decides she wants. I said I’m paying for groceries and that’s it.
She again said I wasn’t being fair and that it’s not like she’s getting a lot but I just refused to pay for half going forward unless I’m there when the shopping is being done or she shows me a receipt so I know I’m only paying for groceries.
AITAH for refusing to keep paying for half of the grocery shopping?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to pay my half of the groceries without seeing a receipt after my partner started buying clothes and expecting me to pay half,
She said I was being unreasonable and unfair and that I should still be paying my half of the shopping.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. And it’s no big deal to ask to see a receipt even if she wasn’t buying clothing. It’s polite to show the other person the receipt. And her saying “it’s not like she’s getting a lot” is proof positive she wants to get more money from you for non grocery items.
NTA
This girl is taking you for a ride.
Next time you buy clothes for yourself, ask her to pay half and see how she reacts.
NTA, it’s clear you’re meant to be splitting groceries rather than subsidising her spending on clothing.
However, you shouldn’t need to see the receipt. You’ve been clear about your boundaries and she should either accept it, agree and you trust her or you should state that you’re no longer going to be blindly paying half. If you can’t trust her for something as simple as this, the rest of your relationship is going to be a minefield.
To be clear, I’m not saying end it, I’m saying that you need to be able to find trust in each other and agree on boundaries if the relationship has any chance of heading in a healthy direction.
Solution: start going with her and adding stuff you want to the cart. Automatic 50% discount!
Again the post to farm the carma?
NTA – if she is playing games and not being transparent then this isn’t cool.
Take note. Is this revelatory of character issues?
NTA. If she were sticking to groceries I wouldn’t think it was necessary but she obviously taking advantage of the situation. It’s time to have a talk because it seems, like she thinks you should be “taking care of her”
NTA If it’s no big deal then she can pay for half of your clothes too.
NTA. Your gf is clearly taking advantage of you.
NTA, but might I suggest that the two of you alternate buying the groceries?
NTA for only wanting to pay for what’s actually use, but are you sure about this relationship?
Splitting 50/50 is fine, but you guys are in a relationship and not just friends who live together. The fact, that it’s so important to you, to not pay for any of the stuffs that’s only hers seems weird to me.
scammers & thieves hate to be called out
NTA
Theft by deception. NTA.
NTA. You should not be subsidizing her clothing purchases.
You have a bigger problem than seeing the receipts for groceries.
Seems like your gf expects you to take care of her (buying her stuff like clothes, accessories, personal care items, food etc) and it doesn’t sound like you signed up for it. You need to be clear about your financial expectations from this relationship and if you both are not on the same page, end it right now. NTA
I would question why she thought it as a fine idea why she could con you out of money, and her only answer is , well, I didn’t spend that much. The question of whether you should see receipts going forth is secondary. What kind of person is she? NTA.
Probably buying groceries for her mom as well
Just say I’ll give a set amount each trip. For example my husband gives me his whole check and I break it down to accommodate our bills. Anything extra I keep anything missing I put in the difference. (My checks are mostly for Savings, emergencies and fun stuff) but this is recent for us before that everything was split in that he paid mortgage, light, I paid water Car ins and groceries. When he was without a job I held everything down when I lost mine he did the same its a give and take. Ultimately you all are not on the same page with finances and I’d suggest having a deep discussion of how you both want this to work not only now but long-term.
NTA. She either needs to show the receipt for half or you two ought to switch off who shops and that person pays the entire grocery bill each time. If funny business happens (more expensive items are “forgotten” on one person’s run repeatedly), then you both would have to rethink if this is really working for you two.
Nta.
While you aren’t wrong here. Two of the three complaints you made there were essentials for work purposes and the third was a jacket. That has happened once. Shes your gf it doesnt kill you to contribute to her getting something nice for herself on a rare one-off occasion.
Cheap bastard
NTA. In general when splitting bills, whether with a partner or a roommate, I think it’s good practice to always show the receipt. That way there is no mystery and if, for example, something is purchased that you can’t have because it’s for her work then you don’t have to pay for half of it.
NTA that’s absurd. I’m the grocery shopper in my house/relationship and I only ask for my boyfriend to pay for things I buy specifically for him that I won’t eat and 50% of the stuff we both use. Any food that’s specifically for me, or any surprise treats he didn’t ask for are on me.
NTA – Seems she’s taking advantage of you. It would be different if you both agreed in advance that she was buying items other than groceries
NTA.I’d have said NAH until she responded like she did. The obviously reasonable thing is to say “oh, you’re right, I’ll figure out how much it was without it” and then every time she gets something for herself she can just do the math on how much of the bill was for her and send you the number for your half without it. It shouldn’t require sending a receipt and going through all that.
But since she seemed to jump right to insisting you pay anyway, she’s being unreasonable.
Edit: I actually can’t tell for sure if this is how it went down. If she said she bought a jacket and you immediately jumped to “I need to see a receipt,” then you’re being TAH. If you said you weren’t supposed to be paying for her other purchases and just asked for a groceries number with her jacket removed and she tried to dance out out of it, then she’s at fault
before I decide if YTAH I want to know the ratio of salaries between you and your gf. Whoever is making more, should proportionally be paying more for shared expenses.
it wasn’t cool of her to include clothing in the “grocery” budget but i can understand why she’s doing it if she’s spending a higher percentage of her income on shared expenses.
The fact that her only comeback is to say “that’s unreasonable and you’re being ridiculous” means she knows exactly what she’s doing.
So you definitely aren’t the asshole.
Nta should do separate transactions if she’s going to be buying clothing like that
If you dont want to show the receipts, then you know something is up. But if you make more, you should discuss an offset amount for an additional allowance for the other to spend on themselves, but still showing the receipts. The accountability in both directions is a must to maintain trust.
NTA. Go separate grocery shopping. It will save YOU a ton of money.
NTA it’s the way she tried to sneak it in there and hoping you don’t notice. I would get your own groceries from now on since you noticed she started getting herself goodies and demanding half the money for it.
NTA, she’s trying to scam you out of extra money. Never trust her with your cards or banking information
My wife does all the grocery shopping, she enjoys going around and finding sales and good produce. We split them 50/50 but she would never tell me what I owed saying stupid shit like “I’ll total it on your next pay check.”
No matter how many times I begged her “I don’t want to receive some massive bill of 200$ for groceries on my next pay check, I want to pay it as it is purchased.”
I got so fed up, I just started saying if I don’t have the bill in hand, I’m not helping to pay because I’m sick and tired of watching a huge chunk of my paycheck just vanish because you forgot to add a grocery bill from two months ago.
Dude, just tell her she either shows you or you don’t pay. She can choose, also I’d suggest you demand to know the second she walks through the door. But that’s just because of my own situation.
In order to do this effectively & fairly, you’ll have to determine which purchases are “approved” & which aren’t. Also, if she buys an outfit for an activity or event that you need her to attend, is that for you or her? Point is that, you either trust her or you don’t. If you don’t, then no amount of receipt reviews are going to solve a basic relationship issue. As women everywhere always say, it’s not about the money. You feel that she’s being dishonest with you.
NTA. I don’t understand what she thinks is “not fair” about you refusing to pay for half of her spontaneous clothing purchases. I’d bet that she even considered her ability to afford that jacket based on you covering half.
NTA and you know it 😂 just tell her you don’t want her doing the shopping anymore. Tell her she and her mom can go do their clothing shopping on their own dimes and you’ll have her send you half the grocery money from now on.
You have girlfirend-taking-advantage-of-you problem. This is not fair to you. Shop for yourself or get a shopping list from her. She should be responsible for her own clothing, toiletries, and other wants. Get those receipts. NTA
I had an ex boyfriend in college like that.
All of a sudden, he’d “forget” his wallet when it came time to pay for groceries. After the 3rd time, I paid for my groceries only.
We didn’t last long after that.
NTA. Your roommate is delusional to think you should pay for HER personal items. Even if it’s a box of toothpicks, she pays for her own crap.
She’s your GIRLFRIEND not your WIFE. She should not expect you to foot everything. And even in a marriage that only works if you combine finances or she is a stay at home mom.
If this is to be a equal partnership and you have discussed finances before, she should keep to it.
Maybe try reversing the roles and shop for groceries, get a jacket and give her the total. I’m sure she wouldn’t agree that she has to pay.
I think this is a big red flag.
NTA. This is why you should keep separate finances. You’re a partner, not a sugar daddy.
It’s not right for you to pay for her clothes or things she needs without even asking but being sneaky about it and expecting you to pay for her things if she doesn’t like it, maybe it’s best that you go shopping with her or go do your own shopping because it’s not right to just take without asking and try to blow it off
Go grocery shopping yourself, bro.
NTA
DUMP HER!
She’s using you HARD. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was also adding a meal & whatever her mom wanted during each shopping trip. I’ve known people like your girlfriend before. I didn’t stay friends with them because I refused to be used. You’ll eventually find someone who would never make you question whether they’re using you or not.
Just break up. Yall 50/50 relationship die hards are aggravating 🙄
Jfc I’m so glad I’m not in a relationship that nickels and dimes one another. I guess technically NTA but this just sounds miserable.
I just don’t get this 50/50 thing that’s so down to the wire. I’m not saying you need to buy her clothes but do you take her out to dinner where you pay? Or is that 50/50 too? You two are roommates with benefits
NTA. Yeah, if she’s using you to subsidize her wants then that’s wrong. I would definitely want to see the receipts from now on
What’s “not fair”. It’s really shitty of her to be passing on her personal purchases to you without asking.
You should definitely go over the food bill from now on. And keep an eye on her if you ever do get a joint account.
NTA
NTA.
She is taking advantage and now you’ve caught on and her response is that you’re unreasonable. You are not unreasonable and she’s dishonest.
Ok there are 2 issues here. First the extra personal items, second the need for proof.
You should not be subsidizing the personal items if that is not your agreement
But, YTA for asking for the receipt or demanding to go with her. This is because by doing so you are accusing your GF of deception. Basically stealing. That is a relationship ender. No self respecting person will stay with a parter who accuses them of stealing.
Just ask her when she comes back what she bought that wasn’t groceries and take that off the top before you split it. No need to check the reciepts.
On the other hand if you actually think she is stealing from you, the solution is to break up, not to engage in controlling behaviors.
Asking to see the receipt is a reasonable request, what is she hiding. So much for 50-50, she wants to be “taken care of”. Try this move on her and see how she reacts.
NTA – Her personal items, including her work lunches/snacks, should be on a separate purchase. This is an easy thing to do (we did it all the time when I had roommates, one purchase for household items, a second for whatever personal items the shopper was getting).
She’s taking advantage of her role as the shopper, either intentionally or unintentionally. I’m hoping her anger is just masking the embarrassment of being oblivious to the situation.
However! Please take into consideration how much both of you eat! I ended up shopping for just myself in that roomie situation after one roommate would take well over her “share” of food.
It is possible that you’re consuming the lion’s share of the common groceries/meals and that is why she’s putting her lunches and snacks on the shared purchases. She might not be able to or want to have an awkward conversation about that with you (that’s why I just switched to buying my own stuff under the guise of wanting to eat healthier).
That’s not to say you’re a glutton or anything, but men tend to need more calories. If you’re taking an extra helping or two at dinner and she was expecting to have leftovers for lunch…
(No excuse for the clothes and jacket, though. That’s either thoughtless or just taking advantage).
Yes you’re the ah. You and your gf have a relationship. There should be some trust.
Plus it’s worth it to me to not have to deal with grocery shopping.
She could also be buying stuff for her mom. How long has she been living with you?
Yes. you are most definitely the asshole… you go to the fucking store and get your own food you piece of trash
NTA. Op she is using you. Her buying no food things on a shopping trip is fine but making you pay for things that are just for her is wrong. Op this is not going to get better.
NTA but are you sure that the jacket is the only extra thing she added? Before my mom passed away I paid for everything when I took my mom to the grocery store or any other store. The difference is that my husband knew that I was buying my mom groceries or new clothes & shoes. My mom had a stroke & couldn’t work anymore. She was living on social security. All of her children helped pay for her expenses. My husband was ok with this. He loved my mom. Maybe she doesn’t want to show you the receipts because there’s other items on it that aren’t groceries or items for her mom.
I think that you & your girlfriend need to have a serious conversation about expectations going forward. Hers & yours. It looks like she wants you to pay for more of her expenses than you expected. This would be ok if you agreed to it ahead of time. If you agreed to pay for half the groceries that means half the groceries not her clothes.
Sneaky and unethical. Why would she think this is ok, and if she thinks this behavior is ok, what else is she willing to blur the lines with that you don’t know about or in the future? This seems trivial, but there really is more to it, IMO. Best of luck to you.
Obviously her behavior is wrong. She should have asked you or removed the non communal items from the tab before splitting the bill. You feel like she broke your trust and her refusal to acknowledge and apologize for her behavior is not making it any easier for you.
I would definitely want to see receipts moving forward, at least for a while. There would be too many questions for me now. Hell, how much is the base bi-weekly shopping? If she apologized and offered to make things right (and not do it again), I’d drop the issue and move on.
N.B.- I think her behavior is more what I’d expect from my spouse than my GF/BF. Are you guys on the same page about where you are in your relationship and what that means to each of you? Cohabitating may be confusing things.
NTA, tell her you need the receipts for tax purposes.
NTA. My husband and I buy our groceries separately to avoid issues just like this. Its been working for about 10 years, and I love it.
NTA but also… money is important because money is hard and can cause ALOT of issues
Me and my partner split 50/50. We are very much on the same page that it has to be fair and correct. I have friends who are a bit “it will sort itself out” and they are fine with that. Find what works for you and if you can’t find a place where you both are happy well… that’s saying something.
Are you a partnership or housemates? Cause this sitch is giving housemate vibes for sure