I (24 F) became close w/ my bf’s SIL (31 F) the past few years. Let’s call her A and her husband J. A is one of the only 2 people I’ve never had a single negative thought about or said a single negative thing about. She’s a literal earth angel. Until recently, that is.
She did a complete 180 personality-wise, cheated on J w/ a married man (let’s call him R), is divorcing J, and constantly tells their 3 young kids about her new dating life. Her behavior lately makes it seem like she’s going through an early midlife crisis. I tried to listen and be understanding at first while also not agreeing w/ her actions.
I encouraged A from the beginning to tell R’s wife (let’s call her H) about the affair. She said it was R’s truth to tell. She gradually drifted away as a friend, not for my lack of effort.
6 months into the affair, our mutual friend found H on Facebook and messaged her telling her everything. She never saw it. 7 months into the affair, I found out A complained to J that she keeps asking R to leave H for her, but he kept saying no. This was my last straw. I found H on insta, copied and pasted the message our friend sent via FB, and DM’d H. She saw it, was shocked, and has thanked me multiple times since, even saying I “saved” her.
A was furious w/ me for telling H w/out reaching out first. Ig she doesn’t know our mutual friend told H before I did. A said the way I went about it was “disrespectful,” “selfish,” “impulsive,” and “immature,” and that I only did it to feel “morally superior.” She said I should’ve reached out to her or given R a deadline. I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to give him a deadline. He had 7 months to tell his wife, and he didn’t. Plus, idk him. If I’d reached out, he might’ve taken H’s phone and blocked me before I could tell her. I didn’t wanna risk it.
I thought I was just doing the right thing. I’m a girl’s girl, I couldn’t sit by any longer while this poor woman couldn’t make an informed decision about her own life/marriage. But all of the harsh things A has said to me make me wonder if I’m crazy. Should I have consulted A first or given R a deadline? AITA for telling H on my own before talking to them?
Comments
I don’t understand, she wanted R to leave H in the first place, you’d think she would be happy that you did it for her. 😂 😂 😂
Good job. 👍 Cheaters suck ass.
NTA. You did the right thing by that woman, surely she didn’t deserve what was being done to her, by both R and A. R didn’t deserve fair warning about it, he’s had plenty of time to do the right thing but that isn’t what he wanted to do at any point.
Why would anything A has to say about it carry any weight with you? She’s clearly not the voice of reason or morals, she’s been an actively destructive force in that woman’s life for quite some time.
You’ve restored a bit of balance to the world. Honestly though, I think it’s problematic that you’ve maintained a friendship with A. How does your husband and his family feel about that?
Cheaters deserve everything that comes to them. Screw their feelings.
You did she you felt was right. Your friend is delusional.
NTA. A is clearly going through something, mental health or otherwise, but she cant expect you to lie for her and keep this to yourself. H deserved to know. She deserved to know months ago because who knows how many time R has done this without her knowing.
A really needs to realize R was never going to leave his wife and she blew up her life to live the life of a sidechick. She was NEVER going to end up with R. The dude was flat out refusing to leave his wife. This needs to be a wake up call for her.
Yes, you could’ve said “tell her or I will” to A, but if she wanted to be the one to blow it up, she would’ve a long time ago. And youre right, R would’ve spun this to being something like “oh, hun, ignore any random messages that come through to you. Its a disgruntled person blah blah blah.”
You should, however, take a major step back from this now. If H has questions, answer with what you do know and nothing else. But A has to hit rock bottom. And you have your own mental health to take care of.
NTA
You did the right thing. Someone needed to tell H because R and A weren’t going to. Butting into other people’s business as a 3rd party is usually an AH move but this is one of the few occasions where being an AH is how not to be an AH.
NTA. H deserved to know and there is no trust in either your ex-friend or her AP to actually be honest and confess, due the obvious nature of being cheaters. The feeling of “morally superior” is irrelevant; the moral decision to tell and you did that. Also I hope even she can acknowledge the hypocritical irony of calling you, “disrespectful, selfish, impulsive and immature.”
But please give actual fake names instead of singular letter names. Makes it way harder to follow.
You should’ve minded the business that pays you. You don’t know this man or woman and took it upon yourself to insert yourself in their business. Girls girls or not this had nothing to do with you. You should’ve allowed it to unfold on its own.
NTA, but am I the only one who has a problem reading these when the people are only letters instead of fake name? I think I’m just old. lol
Updateme
All the things A called you – “disrespectful”, “selfish”, “impulsive”, and “immature” – really just described herself.
NTA. Whatever your motivation, you did the right thing. Obviously, neither of them can be trusted to do what’s right so why should you assume that was going to change!
A is a morally bankrupt pos that refuses to take responsibility for their own actions. NTA, you don’t need trash like that as a friend
NTA I wouldn’t take a cheater feedback on anything. For er to complain about someone being wrong when she is cheating with a married man is laughable
Too many letters
Do you really need to be friends with someone like that? Really? Nta
You did the right thing
Consequences are a foreign concept for many cheaters.
NTAH. Actually, you are morally superior.
Cheaters. Don’t. Deserve. Protection.
Holy S! I’ve got to go back and study my alphabet again
I feel like this is an SAT question
Not you did the right thing. A need to remember when you point a finger at someone else you have 4 fingers pointing back at you. she is the one who is Disrespectful, Selfish, impulsive and immature. Sleazy, and has her legs spread open like a warm breakfast attracting fly’s.
B tch please close you leg and be a better person.
Yes I can’t stand when someone else is dragged though the mud by someone like this. This guy R does not want to leave his wife and just using the dumb ass A too. all of them are losers.
Op do you really want to be A friend ? Good you told The wife.
I have done the dead like thing but it was done within 24 hours of finding out told the felons to confess or I would be calling within 24 hours and held true to my word.
Yes the did confess and there was a break up but throwing all of them in hard. they blow up quick too. LMAO. and out of the 4 people 2 did get back together an survived.
Never the AH letting someone know their partner is cheating on them. You did good. Always have that evidence, and the one being cheated on can make their own decision.
NTA. Cheaters suck and you did save the wife. She might have never known what a POS she was with. Your friend is just as bad, better to have her out of your life.