I (F, 20s), and my best friend Daisy is about the same age. We became roommates when we started university together. After some tension between us, she moved out for a while but had to come back months later because of financial problems. I left apartment and city shortly after due to personal problems. We were living in an apartment owned by my uncle’s wife – they’re distant relatives, not people I’m close with at all.
The whole nightmare started when our toilet broke. My uncle offered to fix it. I thought it would be fine since he’s family, but while he was there, he harassed Daisy. It was clearly inappropriate and left her completely traumatized. She made me promise not to tell anyone, but I eventually told my mom, hoping she’d make sure the rest of the family knew what happened. Instead, my mom just had a private talk with my uncle because she didn’t want to cause problems with that side of the family.
I tried everything I could think of to help Daisy. I helped her move out immediately, stayed in constant contact, and tried to support her emotionally. I even told her that if she ever felt overwhelmed, she should see a therapist – and that I’d personally go with her if she wanted me to. I meant every word. I would have canceled anything to be there for her.
Then things got even worse. My uncle actually showed up at her workplace to “apologize,” even though my mom had specifically told him to stay away. I immediately called my mom in a panic and made sure he left. After that, I asked Daisy for more details about what happened – like whether he had approached her directly – because I was terrified he might come back. But instead of answering, she got furious with me, saying I didn’t understand and that my mom and I should have “solved” this already.
I completely lost it at that point. I shouted that I was doing everything possible, but we live three hours apart, and where we live, reporting this to the authorities would be pointless – everyone knows the police don’t take harassment cases seriously unless there’s physical evidence. I know that yelling at her was wrong. I tried to start a conversation to apologize and talk about what happened, but she ignored all my attempts and responded with something like “forget about it.” After that, she texted me to end our friendship.
Now she’s cut off all contact with me, saying I completely failed her.
I know I messed up by not protecting her properly, and maybe I shouldn’t have asked for details when she was so upset. But I truly tried everything I could think of. I offered to get her professional help, I was ready to drop everything to be with her. I just didn’t know what else to do.
So, AITA for not handling this situation better and losing my only friend because of it?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (F, 20s), and my best friend Daisy is about the same age. We became roommates when we started university together. After some tension between us, she moved out for a while but had to come back months later because of financial problems. I left apartment and city shortly after due to personal problems. We were living in an apartment owned by my uncle’s wife – they’re distant relatives, not people I’m close with at all.
The whole nightmare started when our toilet broke. My uncle offered to fix it. I thought it would be fine since he’s family, but while he was there, he harassed Daisy. It was clearly inappropriate and left her completely traumatized. She made me promise not to tell anyone, but I eventually told my mom, hoping she’d make sure the rest of the family knew what happened. Instead, my mom just had a private talk with my uncle because she didn’t want to cause problems with that side of the family.
I tried everything I could think of to help Daisy. I helped her move out immediately, stayed in constant contact, and tried to support her emotionally. I even told her that if she ever felt overwhelmed, she should see a therapist – and that I’d personally go with her if she wanted me to. I meant every word. I would have canceled anything to be there for her.
Then things got even worse. My uncle actually showed up at her workplace to “apologize,” even though my mom had specifically told him to stay away. I immediately called my mom in a panic and made sure he left. After that, I asked Daisy for more details about what happened – like whether he had approached her directly – because I was terrified he might come back. But instead of answering, she got furious with me, saying I didn’t understand and that my mom and I should have “solved” this already.
I completely lost it at that point. I shouted that I was doing everything possible, but we live three hours apart, and where we live, reporting this to the authorities would be pointless – everyone knows the police don’t take harassment cases seriously unless there’s physical evidence. I know that yelling at her was wrong. I tried to start a conversation to apologize and talk about what happened, but she ignored all my attempts and responded with something like “forget about it.” After that, she texted me to end our friendship.
Now she’s cut off all contact with me, saying I completely failed her.
I know I messed up by not protecting her properly, and maybe I shouldn’t have asked for details when she was so upset. But I truly tried everything I could think of. I offered to get her professional help, I was ready to drop everything to be with her. I just didn’t know what else to do.
So, AITA for not handling this situation better and losing my only friend because of it?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole because:
I involved my mother instead of respecting Daisy’s initial request to keep the harassment private, which led to inadequate consequences for my uncle and further distress for Daisy.
By breaking Daisy’s trust and pushing for details about the harassment when she was clearly traumatized, I prioritized my own need to ‘fix’ the situation over her emotional needs. My insistence on problem-solving (asking for specifics about the workplace encounter) rather than simply listening made her feel unsupported, which ultimately contributed to our friendship ending.
While I wanted to help, my actions actually compounded Daisy’s trauma by making her relive the events and feel betrayed when family intervention failed to bring justice.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA for telling your mom when Daisy told you not to tell anyone. That’s ultimately what led to your uncle showing up at her workplace and probably re-traumatising her. I get that it was a mistake on your part, but she’s justified in being angry about it.
This feels above this sub’s paygrade: I’m going to go with an NAH vote as a vote has to be made, although I think you aren’t quite really recognising how severely traumatic this was for your friend – being harassed in her OWN HOME by what should have been a “safe” person – your relative – not just some random trades person.
Unfortunately, you cannot control your uncle’s actions – he’s a grown adult. It’s a sad situation.
YTA. You were the one that opened your mouth. You are the one who got her put in a deeply uncomfortable situation. You are the one refusing to take any accountability. You’re “doing the best you can”, and yet you’re the one who put her in MULTIPLE unsafe situations.
I genuinely hope she never speaks to you again for her own safety.
NTA, you aren’t responsible for your uncle. You were trying to help and it sounds like you had good intentions. So you aren’t an AH.
YTA. you have first hand knowledge of two harassment incidents of your own family member! YOU CALL THE COPS and file the report no matter what you THINK will happen! You should’ve reported it WHERE the crime happened!
It sounds like it was serious enough to report it the first time- you didn’t, you told your mom who went STRAIGHT to the perpetrator of the crime! You lost your only friend because you weren’t a friend! You didn’t even do the bare minimum and that would’ve been to call the cops. BOTH times!
I’m willing to say YTA, but not for the reasons you think. I do not think you should have kept quiet. It sounds like you knew of a crime. You should not have told your mother who then proceeded to try and not “cause problems with that side of the family”. You should have told the police.
When Daisy started to ignore your attempts to contact her, you should have respected that.
You are not TA for “losing your only friend”. It is something that happened as a consequence of your uncle’s behavior. You tried to salvage it, it wasn’t salvageable. Sometimes friendships end due to circumstances that are beyond the control of either of the friends. It’s sad but does not make you TA.
Think I need more info on how he “harassed” Daisy before I can render any sort of judgement.Edit to add judgement: ESH except for Daisy. In my opinion, considering the level of harassment, a talking to from your mom was completely insufficient. He should never have known where she worked and you should never have broken her trust by telling your mom. Yelling at her after your uncle’s visit to her work was also wrong of you. I have to agree with her that you completely failed her
This is what unfortunately happens when the legal system fails. When you can’t go to the cops there really are no good answers. She didn’t want to make things worse and decided to distant herself, and, from your comments, you seemed to want some form of punishment for your uncle.
While you might have had the best of intentions by telling your mom, you really should have respected your friends wishes by keeping it quiet. As the victim she should have final say. I know shedding light to these things helps stop them but ultimately it is up to the victim. They are the ones who will have to deal with the consequences. I know you believed your mom would make things right, but your friend was the one who had to deal with your uncle at her job. So sorry to say YTA, for telling your mom against your friends wishes.
It’s a grim day when you find out your parent isn’t the person you thought they were. Take this as a hard lesson learned about what kind of people your family are and move forward with that knowledge. In the future, if god forbid you ever find yourself in a similar position, do your best to support and protect the victim instead of looking for ways to punish the perpetrator.
YTA def for yelling at her.
YTA
You wanted you mum to tell the whole family, but didn’t do so yourself? Why are you actively protecting your uncle? You’re assisting in concealing his predatory behaviour.