Ok soo a friend of mine who used to be really close to me when we were younger, but over time we drifted apart because I found him arrogant and hard to deal with honestly.
Recently, both of his parents passed away. I can’t even imagine what that must feel like, so I just thought it would be nice to reconnected with him and tried my best to be supportive in this situation for him. For the past two or three months, he’s been inviting our friend group over a lot, sometimes asking us to stay over usually because he doesnt want to be alone. At first I went along with it, but now I just feel drained tbh.
The issue is that he has constant mood swings. He nitpicks things I say, twists them against me, and it ends up making me look like the bad guy in the group. He also said me and another friend “don’t have anything better to do” than hang around with him, which felt insulting. When I try to talk calmly about resolving things, he shuts me down and brings it back to his trauma without addressing the conflict.
Meanwhile, the rest of our friends keep messaging me that “he’s still mad,” and they pressure me to apologize again, even though I’ve already apologized for the small stuff. I honestly don’t think apologizing over and over will change anything.
I do understand he’s grieving and that affects his behavior, but I feel like he’s controlling the situation and making me the bad guy. I’ve tried to be patient, but I’m frustrated and exhausted.
So my question is: am I being toxic for reacting this way to him, or is it fair that I feel frustrated with how he’s treating me?
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Ok soo a friend of mine who used to be really close to me when we were younger, but over time we drifted apart because I found him arrogant and hard to deal with honestly.
Recently, both of his parents passed away. I can’t even imagine what that must feel like, so I just thought it would be nice to reconnected with him and tried my best to be supportive in this situation for him. For the past two or three months, he’s been inviting our friend group over a lot, sometimes asking us to stay over usually because he doesnt want to be alone. At first I went along with it, but now I just feel drained tbh.
The issue is that he has constant mood swings. He nitpicks things I say, twists them against me, and it ends up making me look like the bad guy in the group. He also said me and another friend “don’t have anything better to do” than hang around with him, which felt insulting. When I try to talk calmly about resolving things, he shuts me down and brings it back to his trauma without addressing the conflict.
Meanwhile, the rest of our friends keep messaging me that “he’s still mad,” and they pressure me to apologize again, even though I’ve already apologized for the small stuff. I honestly don’t think apologizing over and over will change anything.
I do understand he’s grieving and that affects his behavior, but I feel like he’s controlling the situation and making me the bad guy. I’ve tried to be patient, but I’m frustrated and exhausted.
So my question is: am I being toxic for reacting this way to him, or is it fair that I feel frustrated with how he’s treating me?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Ok so I might be the asshole because I’ve been pulling back from my grieving friend, not spending as much time with him, and pushing back when he nitpicks or twists my words. I know he’s going through something huge, but instead of just letting it go, I’ve stood up for myself and stopped apologizing for things I don’t think are my fault. That might make me look selfish or unsupportive given what he’s going through.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Go very low contact with him. Don’t contact him yourself. Tell your friends that you have apologized to him over and over and he simply doesn’t like you, so you will remove yourself from his orbit. Stick to it. They will discover who is at fault within the year. Invite your friends over to your house or out to a pub and don’t include him. Tell your friends, “He doesn’t like me, so I’m giving him a break from having to see me. That’s why I don’t invite him.”
He will get even madder at you, but let him. He might be a malignant narcissist. He might be bipolar and unmedicated. He does have something going on mentally that goes beyond his parents’ deaths. Most people are grieving when their parents die, but they treat their friends kindly. He’s taking advantage of the situation to try to take over your friend group.
INFO: what did you say that everyone is telling you to apologize for?
General advice: don’t go where you’re not wanted 🤷🏼♀️