I (26M) and my fiancée (23F) have been together a little over 2 years. I proposed about 6 months ago and she said yes. I honestly thought everything was great, like yeah we have normal couple disagreements but nothing serious. I really believed she was it for me.
Last night I was grabbing some water and she was in the bedroom talking to her sister on the phone. I swear I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop but I stopped dead when I heard her say this:
“I do love Daniel, he’s safe, he’s good to me… but it’s not the same. Not like it was with Mark. I don’t feel that passion anymore. Not with him. I love him but not in that way.”
For context, Mark is her ex. The same ex who cheated on her.
I just stood there in the hallway like a ghost. Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. She came out of the room and saw me and instantly knew I had heard. Her face went pale. I asked her straight up, “So I’m the safe choice? Not the love of your life?” and she started crying and saying “it’s not like that” and that she loves me, but I couldn’t hear anything after not like him.
I feel sick. Like I’ve been living in some kind of lie. I thought I was her person, the one she chose above everyone else. Now I feel like I’m just the guy she settled for because the one she really wanted destroyed her.
She went to bed crying. I’ve been sitting on the couch staring at the ring on her finger and thinking about how I thought we were building a forever together. But what’s the point if I’ll never be loved the way she loved someone else?
I don’t want to be “safe.” I want to be loved the way I love. I want to be someone’s first choice, not their backup plan.
I don’t even know what to do. Do I confront her more about this? Do I just end it? Can something like this even be fixed?
AITA if I call off the engagement after what I heard?
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/ResolveSpirited192:
I (26M) and my fiancée (23F) have been together a little over 2 years. I proposed about 6 months ago and she said yes. I honestly thought everything was great, like yeah we have normal couple disagreements but nothing serious. I really believed she was it for me.
Last night I was grabbing some water and she was in the bedroom talking to her sister on the phone. I swear I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop but I stopped dead when I heard her say this:
For context, Mark is her ex. The same ex who cheated on her.
I just stood there in the hallway like a ghost. Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. She came out of the room and saw me and instantly knew I had heard. Her face went pale. I asked her straight up, “So I’m the safe choice? Not the love of your life?” and she started crying and saying “it’s not like that” and that she loves me, but I couldn’t hear anything after not like him.
I feel sick. Like I’ve been living in some kind of lie. I thought I was her person, the one she chose above everyone else. Now I feel like I’m just the guy she settled for because the one she really wanted destroyed her.
She went to bed crying. I’ve been sitting on the couch staring at the ring on her finger and thinking about how I thought we were building a forever together. But what’s the point if I’ll never be loved the way she loved someone else?
I don’t want to be “safe.” I want to be loved the way I love. I want to be someone’s first choice, not their backup plan.
I don’t even know what to do. Do I confront her more about this? Do I just end it? Can something like this even be fixed?
AITA if I call off the engagement after what I heard?
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NTA!
I am sorry this has been your experience. While I usually recommend couples stay together and work things out, you are not married yet.
I would recommend you make a clean break. There is nothing you can do if you just don’t give her the “feels” her ex did.
It is not your fault but she has been alpha widowed. You will never measure up to Chad and Tyrone in her eyes. Ironically, character isn’t part of the equation. No matter how good of a man you are, she will most likely divorce you in the future or worse yet, cheat on you. She is just an exciting man on a girls’ trip away to do so at any time. This is a great example of the beginnings of a divorce where the woman just tosses aside a good man who did not do anything wrong in the future.
You should try to find a woman who wants to get on your program. Someone who WANTS be with YOU
Let her go free to seek her excitement.
You are still young. Keep building and make sure your thoughts, energy and actions always align with the outcomes you desire. We rockin’ with you brother.
Fake. Reported
If you want to be first, then you need to break off this engagement. Don’t stay in a relationship where you are secondhand. There are women out there who could possibly fall deeply in love with you. Why don’t you end this farce and head out there looking for your One.
I don’t know if you should end it. Definitely cancel the wedding and, perhaps, even take ring back. But before you end entire relationship, you guys should have honest chat and go together for a therapy.
What I mean is this: don’t get married just yet, but check with professional if it’s not wedding jitters or something.
Of course, if you can’t get over what she said, you shouldn’t push yourself and try to stay in this relationship. You don’t want to hate her in 10 years or be unhappy in your relationship. Just don’t completely jump the ship either.
Updateme
NTA Break it off, get some space and then see how you feel in a few months. You must realize that the safe choice only works until she runs into some other guy that ignites those passionate feelings. You got a lucky break, don’t waste it.
You end it. You end it before she does, because she will. She will leave you for someone else eventually because she doesn’t love you the way she loved her pos cheating ex and she’ll leave you for someone just like him.
You need to love yourself enough to walk away and find someone who loves you the way you deserve.
I would schedule some couples counseling at minimum. It could be cold feet on her part, but you both deserve a chance to work through it since your relationship has progressed this far.
I’m not usually the immediate “divorce!” person on Reddit…
NTA that’s rough.
I was with a guy he thought i was safe because i had the qualities that he wanted his future wife to have. U know what he did after two years? He cheated
NTA she sees you as a placeholder. At least you found out how she really feels before she leaves you for somebody else in 5 years. Find somebody who loves you like you love them.
NTA, but maybe don’t end it suddenly and permanently.
I’d postpone the wedding if scheduled already. Full stop, no explanations needed – “Something came up.”
Start with TALKING. If “passion” translates to “your sexual performance is not as satisfying as his” sometimes a candid, clinical discussion is necessary. I mean literally the next time you are intimate, (and it may be literally scheduling a session) get her to communicate: “Touch me here. Now there. Harder. Harder still. Now do this. Now that.” etc. If the ex was more experienced at pleasing her she needs to communicate what she wants or needs (as do you.)
If it’s emotional, as in he was a “bad boy” and that’s her actual thing, then you need to ferret that out, possibly in professional therapy sessions.
After viewing all the options and IF you then decide it is not salvageable, NOW it would be fine to end it.
Ah… that hurts and also revealed a level of immaturity
I would suggest intensive couples pre marriage counseling. Being clear about your needs and both your expectations of about your partner meets them and how your partner meets determines the success or failure of.long term relationships.
In a way arranged marriage is more stable because both side come into it viewing it as a functional relationship, like a business partnership instead of some mushy feeling.
The problem is, if she’s chasing a feeling and instead of developing it with you (you know communication, honesty and effort) the nagging question is how long will it be until she dumps you or cheats.
NTA.
She’s still comparing you to her ex. That’s enough for you to feel inferior and insecure. You don’t want to stay in that kind of relationship.
You are just a placeholder until she finds another “Mark” who she thinks will not cheat on her. Gonna be a bumpy ride, made worse by the fact you actually know her plan and her clear intent.
Get the ring back and end it. She is young and you are too, but she is so young I’m thinking she isn’t mature enough for marriage.
I will say this. Don’t marry for passion. Marry the person you can walk through hell with, the person you want by your side in a battle. She isn’t it.
NTA she doesn’t love you, prepare for a sexless marriage where she cheats on you and the kids might not be yours
NtA.
I’m sorry but there’s nothing to save here. Not because something broke after something you or her did but because there was nothing from her side.
I’d break it off, you know how it’ll end in the long run, even more now that you know how she really feels.
You were on the way to get married and she couldn’t even be honest with you, even without physical or emotional cheating involved, she played you. Not to hurt or not because she doesn’t care about you but you were going to live a fake life.
You can’t trust anything she says now, she’ll go in damage control mode now.
Imagine learning this years from now after marrying her. Or her telling you this after an argument.
Nobody wants to be a second chance, it’s not your ego talking, everybody wants true love.
i read the title and just thought oooooofff that no good… she has problems that she needs to deal with if she’s comparing her current relationship with you to her past one with a man who cheated on her… don’t get yourself caught up in this because it’ll only end up in more hurt
NTA, if you love her, tell her to find someone that checks all the boxes, she deserves that, and you deserve to be loved by someone that loves you fully, completely amd pationately
NTA. I suspect this is a tragic immaturity thing on her part more than anything — neither of you (but especially her) understands the difference between healthy love, insecure/codependent settling, and “butterflies” that feel exciting but are in fact just the body having a low-level fight or flight response. (Very few people who are younger than 26 do, what with the underdeveloped brains, but plenty of us still struggle looooong after that.)
She might be able to figure this out with therapy and time, but that’s really something that she has to do for herself, alone–and good Lord is it not something that should be happening within the confines of marriage if either of you can possibly help it.
NTA. She’s still in love with her ex and if he comes back into her life she’ll leave you.
Have you considered that he gave her issues about intimacy and allowing herself to love someone for fear of betrayal?
you already know what you need to do. Sorry that happened to you man, that’s a horrible feeling. But there is definitely somebody out there that is waiting to know you so you can be their first choice
Show her you’re not the safe choice by dumping her and moving on. +5 character growth points
Did you have a deeper conversation by what she means “in that way” ? I wonder if she’s just romanticizing him sexually or something. Cheating and toxic relationships have a way of feeling more passionate because they are unhealthy. I wonder if a little more spice and dating her again a little bit might introduce those feelings back… update if you get more context around what she meant / how she’s feeling. But no not the ass hole for wanting to feel like a first choice. I’m just not convinced you’re not here.
NTA, do not marry this person. Do not do it.
I swear I’ve read this exact story five times in the past two months.
Nta I’m sorry op good luck. UpdateMe!
NTA
No one should marry knowing they are the ‘safe’ backup. Especially because it could lead to her meeting someone further down the line who she does feel passionate about, which means the end of your marriage.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but you don’t deserve to just be someone’s safety net. You are still so young, and as painful as it feels right now, you could meet the right person who feels the same way and wants you and only you. Don’t settle for less.
NTA. Sorry but the genie has been let out of the bottle. I don’t know how you can recover from this. You’ll forever have doubts. You know you have to break it off, don’t you?
I don’t think I’d be able to continue. She has higher regard for an ex that cheated on her. Likely, an ex that she’d go back to or cheat on you with given the right opportunity. I couldn’t enjoy life always wondering and worried.
Def end it. Id be devastated if I was getting married to someone and find out that I was his second option and the he would never feel the same towards me as he does with his ex. Life is too short to be with someone who would rather be with someone else…
She’s going to chase that passion eventually.
NTA
Nah fam. She still loves you. Just not as much. I mean id full send.
How did you stare at the ring on her finger if you are on the couch and she went to bed? I’m guessing AI?
NTA- I would end it. When you talk to her she’ll gaslight you and make you feel like you didn’t get the whole story. The fact is, you got the point.
You deserve to be #1 to someone. Shes not it.
Im sorry man. Good luck!
Definitely NTA. You should be with someone who loves you the way you love them, she will continue to feel the way she does and even more so as your lives progress and the challenges of married life arise.
I tend to agree with others posters, take a break postpone the wedding and see what else life has to offer.
100% support for breaking up. If you want to see what your life will be like if you marry your fiancée, watch the show Sex/Life. You found your “Billie”.
It’s on Netflix. Season 1 has only eight episodes. I promise you, it will be worth your time.
NTA. Honestly – she is quite young, and while that’s okay, I do think that she doesn’t know what she wants. And I know every person deserves love, passion, support, and respect from their partner.
Just don’t do it. This is a disaster in due time. Stop pussyfooting around it and break it off. You both deserve better than this!
Repost, I remember this one. Bad boy, OP.
NTA for sure no ones a second choice or someone to settle with after getting hurt from someone else. Not after knowing that there is a possibility the partner would go back to the other person after they “changed”…
This gotta be fake why are you reading this like it’s a book?? “Her face pale” “like a ghost” when it’s about something traumatizing? Definitely fake no way
This is why you should wait until peoples frontal lobe is developed to consider marriage. She still wants the drama of a trauma bond, it’s toxic and unhealthy but it’s exciting. She’s still maturing. She is not ready for marriage.
Updateme
She’ll always be thinking of the other guy who she knows is gone. She’s also very young, and there will be more options along the way. being the safe guy gives you no security.
Don’t be somebody’s second choice. If a he’s so in love with the ex, she needs to get back with him or find a way to move on. If I was with someone that I knew didn’t love me, I would be the one moving on.
Leave her. You will always be second to Mark. You can find someone who will love and appreciate you.
She’s immature, she’s smart enough to know a mature, good man is better for her, so she is settling for you, but she longs for the passion and the addicting drama a toxic relationship provides. So she will marry you, and when someone comes along that ignites that passion, she will struggle not to cheat or will straight up cheat.
She’s not ready for a long term, committed relationship.
I’m a bit late to this. Was working.
Reframe how your approaching this.
My sister had a bunch of crazy relationships before settling down. She would describe them as exciting but what she meant was tumultuous. Cheating, fighting, leaving then getting back together.
She later met her current husband. She described their relationship as loving, calming, and safe.
Been thirty years.
We’ve discussed this when something similar happened. She was talking with our other sister and said sometime very much like your fiance.
After talking it out (which you should do) they realized that their relationship doesn’t have the drama that her earlier ones did. That back and forth felt like excitement. Make up sex is really good for a reason but make up sex isn’t about love.
I don’t see this as a deal breaker if you can be grown up about it.
NTA. She’s only crying because she realised she f*cked up and lost her Mr Safe. Some words, once spoken, can never be taken back.
For the love of god, do not seek help at reddit. It is full of incels telling you to divoce/break up with your SO even tho you just asked for suggestions to name your new puppy. This issue is between you and your partner only, two paragraphs of text won’t give us enough of context anyway.
NTA. That’s an instant break-up for me.
Can I give a different perspective on this. Her ex hurt her bad so she may be incapable of loving like that again. On the same way I got hurt so bad by an ex I can’t feel that kind of passion that deepness of love because of the hurt I love the partner I’m with but I can never get to those depths no matter how much I’ve tried it’s like I’m blocked off from it. And I am in therapy I just can’t love that deep that passionately anymore. Sit down and talk with her we go through different loves in our life. Even if you start off passing it talk to most people that are married that’s not how their marriage is 5 years 10 years in because you become different people you love in different ways.
You never love any two people the same way.
NTA end it and take time to process it all. She’ll cheat eventually when she finds someone who sets the fire inside her. Im sorry yoy found out but its better now then once your married. I would ask for the ring back and space.
[deleted]
Yah you got to confront her but you also can’t stay. Can’t know that and live a life together it’s not possible
“It’s not like that”
…then what IS it like…?
NTA Op i’d run if i was you
ESH: this reads like fan fic or AI.
NTA- you heard the one thing you were not supposed to hear. That is what she will think forever and her ex will always be fair game for her.
Do not settle for her now. Tell her you are not settling for someone that is settling for me and just leave.
Some times the save choice is and turns out to be the greatest love. Don’t take it like that
You are both young , head games an cheating get you stuck on that high low love rollercoaster which is very addictive.
There is no choice to be made, only information to be digested.
You’d be Mr. Safe until Mr. Passion shows up to show her a good time. Just skip that whole nonsense.
Dude you are so young, don’t settle for any less than you deserve and never be someone’s back up plan. She said what she felt inside, and even if you went through with it and she convinced you that you’re a number one choice, you will always have those doubts. you don’t need a lifetime of wondering what she’s really feeling..
NTA but she’s not either, there’s all types of romantic love and they all have an upside and downside and none of them last without real respect and friendship being there as well. Talk to your fiancée you need to know if she really just sees you as the safe reliable option that has little chance of hurting her or if she fell in love with you because you make her feel safe and loved. There is a difference, if she just sees you as safe and reliable and someone who can never hurt her than its unlikely she’s in love with you because people we don’t love can’t hurt us and she’s not seeing you as a whole person, this will most likely lead to problems in the future. But if she fell for you because you made her feel safe and loved than yh it’s not hot passion but it’s still her being in love with the person you are and she’s choosing to spend the rest of her life with you. Have the talk don’t throw it all away or let things fester over what could of been just bad wording on her part.
NTA this is a hard one and I cannot clearly lean to one side. How can you ever trust her again to be honest and know she actually truly loves you the way you do in the future
Updateme
NTA. Yeah it was pretty crappy of her to verbalize that. I am the first to admit I love my husband differently than how I loved my previous two boyfriends before him. The first I was head over heels for. He cheated. We tried it to make it work two more times and then finally I broke up with him for good so we had a total of three breakups over 5 years. the first for cheating, the second I publicly embarrassed him and I don’t feel bad for that, and the third I was just sick of the horse s*** and knew I was worth so much more. But I’m glad I’m not with him anymore and the next guy I dated for 20 months, was more fun but I never told him I loved him and I don’t think I did. I was hurt when he cheated on me and we broke up but I wasn’t devastated. But yes I feel safe with my husband. I also love him to pieces. It’s different but it’s so much more and so much better. There’s no indecision there’s no doubt and there’s total trust. He also still gives me butterflies after 30 years. I’m not saying it’s a fairy tale has there’s definitely been ups and downs, but you should be happy and you should be content and you should be secure in your partner’s love and definitely not be someone’s second choice or safe choice.
It’s unfortunate she did not say that she loved you differently but so much better.
NTA it’s a good thing this happened before the wedding. Actually for the both of you.
I agree with most any advice you have seen in here. NTA, and calling it off may be the move, she clearly has shit to work out.
But, I would offer a little food for thought. My main question is how long was she with the previous guy? If it was a shorter relationship, it’s possible she was riding the high and then the carpet was pulled out from under her by the cheating. If the relationship was so young she never got to “truly” know him and just has a memory of an IDEAL of him, then of course you’ll never stack up. Her “passion” was to a lie. This doesn’t excuse her, but sometimes understanding can help ease pain. Either way, she has issues to work on.
If their relationship was similarly as long as your guys, then yeah, just let it go. Not everything is meant to be and that’s okay. Be glad you found out now.
NTA, call off the engagement but be ready for her to spin lies about why you did it.
I don’t see how you come back from that- what a disgusting thing to do to someone.
You deserve someone who is all in.
I’m so sorry that she is so selfish and that she thinks so little of you- She clearly thinks she is the prize here and she is above you.
This will always be an issue. She can’t unsay it, you can’t unhear it. This relationship is over.
But if you don’t want to break up, at least cancel any engagement/ wedding related events. And try building again
I would personally not be able to continue this charade. You are so young, there’s so much more out there. What happens if you marry and the ex pops up….
NTA
Updateme
I’d be pissed. I’d be hurt. I’d break off the engagement. And I’m female. You were right to assume you were her safe choice. Safety and finding value in it is a sign of maturity. BUT, it shouldn’t have been phrased in such a manner. I don’t think I could get over hearing that myself. I want to be someone who is madly in love with me as much as I am with him. I found that in my husband 20yrs ago.
Why would you stay in a relationship where you are the second choice
“Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired” — Robert Frost
As someone who has been married for quite a while, I’ve learned that love is a lot of different things. Being safe. Feeling secure. Having the freedom to be yourself without judgment. Repecting your partner and genuinely working toward compromises that serve you as a couple. Those are all important pieces of love within a committed partnership, at least for me.
But, there will always be the teenager inside me that says, “if you don’t irresistibly desire me, you don’t love me.” It’s a little harsh, and I don’t expect my husband to lust after me every moment of every day. But, I do expect him to want me more than any other possible alternative and to show me that in his words and in his actions.
Just some things to consider in the context of your relationship.
ETA: NTA
NAH.
This sucks, hurts and I am sorry you are feeling down about it.
She is actually giving you the biggest gift, your life back.
This marriage would have sucked the soul right out of you brother. You would have struggled for decades to try and unlock the riddle of marital sex, all to no avail because she wanted “safe” for the moment.
Shortly after the honeymoon period the emotional affairs would begin, the gaslighting, the ever-increasing girl’s night outs, you would have been made the villain for everything wrong in life, no matter how hard you tried to fix things.
You have been given an out. Take it! Find the person that was meant for you, that desires you as the man you are.
Best of luck and please come back when things improve and share your success story.
You have your answer. What is important is getting your ducks in a row for an exit strategy.
Even if that was meant as a compliment, and she was just venting… the fact remains that it carried an insult.
The implication is you lack the type of fun she would prefer. In other words, you are not the one.
Let her go to her preference.
Here comes a dead bedroom!
Run fast and run far!!! You should know better than getting married in the first place.
NTA and it’s better that you found out now BEFORE the wedding. It hurts now but not as much as it would if you found out after you married her.
So sorry, but you def need to break up and wait for the person that you deserve.
NTA. Trust that sick feeling in your gut. You love her as the one, but she doesn’t love you in the same way. Consider yourself lucky you found this out before the wedding. You’re still young, you’ll find someone. It’ll be rough for a bit but you will find someone better.
NTA, end it now, brother. Three or four years from now she’s gonna be hiding her phone telling you he’s just a friend or a coworker. Then three months later you’ll hear I love you, but I’m not in love with you. Cut your losses get out of there and find a woman who’s committed to you.
Oof. NTA.
Id’ like to try to shed some light on your financee’s words, as someone who may relate to your financée.
I also had an ex who cheated on me and who I thought I was deeply in love with. In hindsight and after many years of processing and growing, I know it was never love, it was this extremely intense trauma bond that created a kind of obsessive addiction to his validation and to the moments of harmony- which were so scant.
The chaos, the uncertainty, the bonding over childhood traumas etc. made my feelings so intense. It genuinely felt like an unhealthy addiction. I knew at the time he was not a good person and not a good partner for me, but I couldn’t keep myself away because I confused the chaos for love.
Eventually I ended things, we stayed broken up, I processed my feelings and was able to move on.
But something that has remained true for the 6 years since that relationship ended, is that the intensity of the emotions has never been replicated with anyone else. Which is a VERY good thing. Because what I was mistaking for love was actually the adrenaline fuelled state I was so often in because he was such a wild card. It was highest highs and lowest lows, and that sense of uncertainty made the risk/reward feel way more intense. So it was really the situation and dynamic that sort of hijacked my nervous system and at a time, I blurred “love” with the immense sense of relief I felt if he was good to me and showing me love.
But it took me a while to gain this clarity. For a while, I thought he was the love of my life and I thought that’s what deep love felt like. It wasn’t until I grew signfiicantly and went through a lot of major life changes that made me realize that wasn’t love at all. That was profound dysfunction that produced so many intense emotions and delirium that I didn’t feel with clarity. It was so confusing it was easier to call it love than to contend with the shit show it was.
Today, I am with an amazing man who is loving, loyal, present, thoughtful, stable, considerate etc. And I do not feel those intense highs and lows. He is “safe” in a sense, and that’s exactly what I’m looking for. My love for him is much more real than what I previously called “love” for that ex. I’m no longer the person who was compatible with my cheating ex, and I no longer sit in a state of confusion where someone could tell me chaos and a broken nervous system is what love feels like. At a time I thought that’s what love did feel like. Now I’m grateful to be loved by a stable man who never sends me into those states of panic that used to be so familiar. And I will choose this calm and secure love over chaos every day.
And yes, this love is SO different. But it’s what I want for myself and it’s what feels best to me now. That was not always the case- there was a time where I was drawn towards some dysfunction.
Maybe your fiancée is missing the words and hasn’t processed her past relationship enough to see it for what it was. Or maybe what you overheard was something else. Idk. No one knows what was going on in her mind, so it’s very clear you guys need to have some ongoing conversations about this and perhaps attend couples therapy together to work through what happened, what you heard, and what it means to her.
But who knows, maybe I’m just interpreting your story through my own lens. However, if you choose to move forward with her perhaps my story will shed some light on her experience. To say “it’s not the same with Daniel as it was with Mark”, might be a very very good thing if she’s on the path to healing. That said, we all know that some people never choose healthier dynamics and they stay stuck yearning for the dysfunction and uncertainty that can be so stimulating. If that’s the case for her, that’s definitely concerning if you represent stability and certainty to her.
Ya’ll are cooked. If she’s not a virgin she’s gonna have mental issues. They all do.
I honestly feel like you guys need therapy. If you truly love her, seek some professional help. You guys are SO YOUNG and feelings change minute by minute. Just make sure you are both making the right choice.
Marriage is hard with both partners all in (I’m happily married for over 20 years). Start factoring in kids, illnesses, money stresses, etc and I guarantee you it will not improve but get worse as time goes on.
Man, you’re not an asshole for wanting to be someone’s first choice. Being loved as the ‘safe option’ is like being handed a participation trophy in your own relationship. If she can’t love you with the same fire you give her, then she’s not your forever she’s just your detour.
Sweetheart, I’m going to hold both of your hands as I say this: BREAK UP WITH HER. She has made it abundantly clear that you are #2. She doesn’t truly love you. When you marry someone you become each other’s top priority and #1 in their heart, mind, body, and soul. NEVER settle for less.
NTA
Never settle OP. You deserve someone that wants you not someone who prefers a cheating asshole
Well for starters its probably not passion she misses but drama. A cheating ex is full of drama and lots of people confuse that for passion. That said she did say she has no passion for you and you deserve to be with someone who’s world you light up. You can try therapy and maybe it will get her to a point where she can uinderstand the difference between drama and passion. But really, you are young its probably easier to go find someone else.
You need to step away from this. You can’t trust her or your own feelings right now.
NTA, leave the relationship. You deserve to be someone’s first choice/true love and not be the safe choice.
It will be hard in the beginning after breaking up but it will be great in the long term. If you stay, it will just get worse and worse.
Updateme
FYI, she was a dirty ho for her ex. For sure did all the things she says no to now
God let you hear what you heard for a reason.
NTA
Call it off before she cheats on you when Mark texts her in a few years time wondering how she is. She would 10000% divorce you and take half your shit and leave you for mark.
I’ve seen this happen time and time again. Fucking white people man😂 Everything’s so hyper sexualised and this shit is so normalised.
Trust your gut here. It is wiser than any of us on Reddit. All we can do is echo its wisdom. Your fiancé ended your dream relationship whilst on the phone with her sister. Think how that sister will view you at every “family” gathering in the future. Worse, who else in the family will she or your “fiancé” tell? Move on, Dude!
Let her go. Find someone who places you first above all others. You didn’t fail, she did. She never should have said yes when you proposed. This is her not you.
“You must realize that the safe choice only works until she runs into some other guy that ignites those passionate feelings.”
That’s what I’m thinking too.
You’re young mate I got married at 31. This isn’t the one for you. Cut your losses, see it as a learning point, get a therapist that deals in grief and betrayal cos it is a story of betrayal and get better. Hit the gym too. Does wonders for the psyche. It’ll be slow at first but I promise you you’ll do better for yourself.
Leave now. Don’t look back. Be better to yourself. You deserve better.
Good luck!
Uodateme!
If you do stay with her though, don’t feel bad when she does leave you for someone who reignites that passion who she feels won’t cheat on her or even mark himself if he got back in touch lol
She’ll be at home all day and you’ll be working. You really wanna think about who she’s seeing and what she’s doing??
Leave dude
NTA She may not understand this now, but you breaking up with her is the best thing that can happen for BOTH of you.
I’ve never said this before, But I bet if you cheated on her she’d find you much more attractive. You are “safe” because she thinks no one else would want you. In her head the Ex is still hot because other women lust for him.
Bottom line is she is not ready for marriage. You know this.
NTA. Run as far as you can
Updateme
Agree with what people are saying but I think it wouldn’t hurt to point out to her that not only is that not what you want, but she’d be making a mistake for herself as well. I think you at least need to hit the pause button for a year or two while this all shakes out – she sounds like she’s still on the rebound.
Even if she doesn’t cheat the odds are too good if you stay the course that you end up down the road getting divorced to “I love you, but I’m not in love with you“. Hopefully without kids.
NTA
This is a really tough one.
I can understand that the first love feels different but I agree that marriage should be with the love of your life and she made you feel that that is not you.
Take a break, a breather. Seperate for a couple of days and find somebody to talk to.
Ultimately it is up to you to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not but remember that you are still young and have a lot of life left to share with somebody
Yeah, I really just can’t see a way back from this. I don’t think there’s anything she could possibly say and really you should look at it as she did you a favor because she probably saved you a lot of worse heartache down the road.
NTA She clearly hasn’t gotten past her fiancé or her ex. If you want to try to salvage this relationship I suggest couples counseling.
In other words you are not Mark and you will never will be him. One day she’ll meet someone who reminds her of him and that’s when you’re cooked. Leave now it will be worse later.
Sucks knowing some other guys fucked her better than you, but use this as a learning experience.
NTA. You’re setting yourself up for future misery. Best case scenario you eventually feel secure enough to know she chose you. Worst case she becomes restless and infidelity happens (emotional and/or physical). Likely you’ll live in constant insecurity and it’ll erode you over time.
Don’t enter into a lifelong commitment knowing you’re starting at a less than wanted position.
/updateme!
For the sake of your own heart, you need to end this relationship. If she doesn’t feel the way she needs to, your heart will suffer.
NTA. Tough break. But better to find out now than after you are married and she starts cheating on you.
Unpopular opinion but I’ll tell you straight, no, walk away. The odds of your fiancee cheating is about 1/5. No lie. Not all, but women in general will always go to safety and survival. And that looks different to every woman out there. For some it’s money, cars, and stuff, for others it’s a certain “look”, it varies as much as the species does but they will all, almost unequivocally, leave whomever they’re with for the next better step up in their eyes. Don’t get married. It’s a scam. Almost as big a scam as having kids. Both are designed to keep you under wraps and controlled by debt. First comes the wife, the ring, the wedding. Then comes cars and houses and all the other shit they want. It never ends. Get your own place, get a roommate that’s cool, buy and play with all the adult toys you want. Then live for yourself because once you get a woman in your life, your time is never just yours alone ever again. And buying toys for you? Maybe after the bills are paid, nails are done, hair did, car note paid, makeup purchased, kids activities paid for, it never ends.
I can’t believe she still your girlfriend much less your fiancé.
Wow, you caught a lucky break. It may not seem like it now, but you know where you stand and it’s not where you want to be. That must’ve been an absolutely horrible feeling and I’m sorry that happened, but I’m glad that you have the chance to call this off before the wedding.
let me offer another perspective. because i’ve been where she is, i think. and here’s the thing- it’s NOT the same. but passion is often trauma fueled. safer and calmer and healthier relationships can feel… idk, less exciting, after being used to chaos, abuse etc. the extreme highs and lows you get from being with somebody who is bad for you… you get conditioned to it. when you finally meet somebody who is healthy, and kind, it does feel different and it takes a while to retrain the brain to accept that that passion you felt before? that was never love. it was the feeling of having to beg and perform for love. of depending on them for your sense of worth because even though they mistreat you, they still want you. look, straight up it’s trauma. trust me, it’s probably a good thing she doesn’t love you like she loved mark. because that wasn’t what love was supposed to be. that’s what she was saying….. she loves you. you’re safe. you’re everything she’s ever wanted but it doesn’t FEEL the same. there’s a reason for that and it’s not because she doesn’t love you deeply… it’s trauma and conditioning to chaos. you are her peace. that is the deepest kind of love. the nervous system responds to it differently because it is safer and that’s probably where the “no passion” comes from. …. it’s a good thing. it just takes some time to realize that after being in a toxic relationship.
Definitely call off the engagement.
Don’t be anyone’s 2nd choice. If she doesn’t have passionate love for you now she won’t grow into it.
What’s sex going to be like when kids arrive? When she will be more inclined to turn you down because you don’t turn her on.
NTA at all, I’m sorry this happened to you. Get out of the relationship. You’ll both be better off.
NTA
Marriage is hard, and the rest of your life is a long time. If you dont feel passionately for each other, it simply won’t work. She’ll leave at the first bump in the road, or if she feels that level of passion for somebody else. You deserve somebody who’s with you because they love you, not because you’re convenient.
Do not minimilise this. It’s a big deal that she is planning to marry you while still thinking of her ex and considers you to be her ‘safe bet’ partner. Safe bets get cheated on. You deserve more. They aren’t enough for the person and eventually they look externally for whatever is ‘missing,’ they will not break up first because your role is life security, and they need that safety until they find the one they will leave you for.
Yes this is enough to break up over. Canceling the engagement and staying will not grow her love. She cannot change how she experiences her love for you; she’s not grateful or excited, she’s lamenting. Break up. Investing more of your time hoping your love will be enough for her is not it.
If you regret your decision you can get back together. I doubt you’d regret it with how deeply this hurt you. She was supposed to lift you up in life, like you’d do for her, her feelings are a reflection of her, how she processed the cheat of her ex, how she still wants him, how she looked for a band aid with you. It’s not your fault. You don’t lack. She lacks. Find a love who sees – and is happy – to share their future with you.
Run. You deserve to be someone’s “WOW”!, not someone’s “eh, better than a jab with a sharp stick i guess”
Sorry this happened but at least you know before you are 5 years in and she is cheating on you. I don’t think it can be fixed. You can’t control how you feel inside and neither can she. You deserve better.
NTA. Call it off immediately then break up with her. She needs to sort out some personal shit first before being in a serious relationship.
NTA- no one deserves to be second choice.
I’m so sorry, man. That has got to be the worst feeling. Definitely NTA, but you would be the asshole to yourself if you stayed with her. You deserve to be first, and she sounds like she’s not mature enough or ready to be in a serious relationship, let alone a marriage. Sounds like she’s taking advantage and using you, which is awful. Our expectations of others will almost always hurt us. But this is two years in, and if the passion isn’t there like she said, it never will be. Don’t waste your time or life or anything else with someone who doesn’t feel the same, as much and as badly as that has to hurt. I’m sorry, man. On the positive side, at least you found this out before you got married and spent years together, possibly having kids. You’re still young and can find someone else who loves you the way you deserve and the way you love them. You don’t have to be mean to her about it, but I would end it. I realize that’s way easier for me to say, but I don’t see staying together as being good for either of you in the long run. Good luck, bro. Keep your head up.
I wouldn’t unilaterally cut it off, but I’d have a conversation before going through with a marriage or wedding.
No, NTA. Never allow yourself to be settled for. It’s emotionally damaging and you deserve better.
NTA.
Don’t marry her, for your sake.
If you do, will you ever be happy?
Will you always wonder?
What if she meets someone she does feel a spark with?
As hard as it is. She chose you for security.
She loves you for what you can provide, security and safety.
Good luck.
While you’re certainly NTA, I think it’s a little more complicated than “she’s gonna leave you for another Mark”. Love, objectively, is extremely messy. As one who’s been in more relationships than I’d care to admit, it’s not always easy to move on or forget about past partners, especially if it was a first love.
I think the best thing to do is have a deep conversation with her about this and how it made you feel. Give her a chance to explain her side. If you really do love her and see a future with her, consider giving it a shot. I don’t think it’s fair to blame her for how she felt in the past, however it’s not unreasonable to break things off.
Hope this helps. Best of luck out there
Here is what you need to do, you need to have an actual conversation after you two have rested and really think it through.
The marriage, yeah that is not gonna happen, if she can tell her sister that you two doesn’t have that passion, there is no salvaging from it. You don’t need a friend, you needed a partner that is all in 100%
You are not just an option for now, while she looks for that passion elsewhere.
Not every relationship is hard and heavy, but you don’t reminiscence about past cheaters and say that it was better than the one you are about to marry if you are in this relationship 100%.
She dropped the ball, you dodged a bullet
Because you know full well that if you are married, and she meets someone at the gym or at work that gives her that passion she got with the EX, she will definitely cheat on you, because that is something she believes that she is missing. No matter how good your marriage is, that longing for something will definitely make her step out of the marriage at that point.
Protect yourself, but really have a good conversation with her, because it is a blessing you found out.
I’d break up. Don’t be second choice, this is something you’ll never be able to forget. You’re only 26, there’s plenty of time to meet someone who will appreciate you the way you deserve
NTA. She “loves” you because you’re convenient, not because she truly loves who and how you are. That’s not a relationship you should want to hold on to.
She spoke the truth when she did not think you could hear or would know. You can either live with that or you cannot. NTA of you leave, make it clean. Don’t be petty. We often cannot control our emotions. You cannot make someone love you. So be a grown up about it. I am sorry for your pain. I wish you all the best.
You don’t feel like the guy she settled for, you are the guy she settled for.
The universe did you a HUGE favor in revealing this to you before you married her. Don’t waste it or else this coming wedding will be your funeral.
You’re only 26 man!! You’re in the absolute prime of your life with endless options so don’t settle for a girl who views you as the lesser, safe choice.
You deserve a woman who loves you the same way your soon to be ex-fiancee loves Mark!!
Stop wasting time in this dead end relationship and go find her!!
NTA the stars aligned for you to hear that statement! Do you how many couples wished this happened? No passion, not loving like another a safe choice what more do you need? She was lying to you this whole time is it like that and she had the nerve to speak it out loud while you were home!!!! Why stay it’s done deal the starts aligned because your person is out in the world but it’s not here end it stand firm and hold her accountable the consequences! No I didn’t mean what you heard it’s not like that yea I’d leave you if he wanted me but he doesn’t so it’s just you! Heck no I would’ve packed up that night or sent her to her sisters! You didn’t deserve that and do not let her ruin it for you if you meet someone else her actions are here alone! Good luck keep us updated!