I am a 38 year old man and I need to get this off my chest. I feel completely broken and worthless in my own marriage to my 34 year old wife. We have two kids, 9 and 6.
For the past 12 years, I have been the sole provider for our family. I have never complained. I paid the entire down payment on our house, every single EMI for the last 8 years, the rent before that, the kids’ international school fees, our cars, vacations, and all daily expenses. My wife works and earns about 60k a month, but that has always been her personal money for her own spending and her family. I was genuinely fine with that arrangement.
Last year, I was laid off from my job where I earned 58 LPA. I had good savings, so I was not panicking. In fact, I saw it as a rare chance to take a mental break after working non stop since I was 22. I planned to spend quality time with my family and be selective about finding the right next job, not just the first one that came along.
For the first two months, it was okay. Then, everything changed.
My wife started pressuring me constantly to just get any job, even if it was for 20 or 30 lakhs, which is less than half my previous package. She said I was wasting our savings and doing nothing. She then complained about me to everyone: my parents, her parents, her siblings. They all started calling me, visiting me, and lecturing me about my duties. They treated me like a lazy, irresponsible failure who was abandoning his family.
Through all of this, not once did my wife offer to use her own salary to help with a single household bill. Not the mortgage, not the kids’ school fees. Nothing. She watched me use my savings to keep our expensive life exactly as it was, while she called me useless to anyone who would listen.
I finally found a job after five months with a package close to 65 lakhs, but the emotional damage is done.
I provided a top tier life for my family without a single complaint for 12 years. But the one time I needed a break, the one time I needed just a little emotional support, I was met with relentless pressure, public criticism, and a complete lack of partnership. It feels like my only value in this marriage is my paycheck. I do not feel like a husband or a partner. I feel like an ATM. If the ATM stops giving cash, it gets kicked until it works again.
Has anyone else been through this? How do you come back from realizing your partner does not care about you, just what you provide for them? The resentment is eating me alive.
Comments
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You aren’t the asshole, her lack of support is alarming. You mentioned LPA and lakhs… so I assume this isn’t in the US or EU. Is it a cultural expectation that the man always provides for everything, in any circumstance?
There really isn’t much to come back from if anything you should leave now. If you stay your coparenting relationship will suffer as she thinks she did nothing wrong while emotionally abusing you by going to your friends and family she did that not to help you and when people say it was to help you call them evil. It is evil to claim you are doing something for someone while they are actively telling you to stop. She was doing that so when or if she filed for divorce she already positioned herself to your friends and family to take her side. Also if you divorce her they are already on her side
Congratulations on learning what most married guys already know
Your wife focused on your paycheck, not your well-being, and that kind of neglect can make anyone question their value in a relationship
NTA, she’s shown you she won’t support you if you’re in need, so why should you continue to support her?
NTA. I understand being stressed about money when someone loses a job. Both me and my husband have been through that. But the fact that she keeps her entire paycheck for herself and her family (not even including your kids together), especially during this time of hardship, makes her the asshole.
NTA. These things are cultural – I am not familiar with the culture where you live, what is expected of men and women, etc. In the US, it would be unusual for a wife who is earning not to use that money to help support the family when a husband is laid off. I don’t blame you for being upset.
But if this were me, here in the US? I’d be pissed as hell. I’d make sure to tell her how I felt about her treatment of you, and that things need to change. She needs to start contributing her income to the family expenses. And she needs to respect what you are providing to the family, and be more supportive and understanding when things get tough. Or you are going to get divorced.
They’re indian. So yeah
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Your worth isn’t money if she only values your paycheck thats not a marriage its a transaction.
My friend you don’t have a partner, you have a leech.
Did she marry you to have a built in ATM? Because it sounds like that’s all she sees you as. It might be time to reevaluate your future because it definitely does not appear that shes being a partner- she’s more of a stingy, selfish, greedy person that needs a wake up call! Put your foot down and tell her she Will be contributing to the household expenses! I can understand why you feel like you do! NTA
Divorce this ungrateful cow
she makes 60K? I am assuming this isn’t the US dollar, but even so, she shouldn’t be making you feel bad about yourself. You deserve a break, and you were not fired, laid off, that’s totally different. My husband has been laid off since March, and I have done my best to never make him feel bad about it, especially given the current job market in the US. Sometimes people have a hard time with change, is she the anxious type? Maybe she is just craving stability. However, she should not be name-calling and saying things about you; you don’t deserve that.
Would you mind if I read this for a snap:TikTok series im doing? I can change names if you’d like! Thanks in advance
DEF not the ahole!!!
So your money is her money and her money is her money? Even before she was kicking you while you were down, it’s pretty messed up that the money she makes goes to her interests alone while the money you make supports the whole family. NTA.
Nta
She just wants you to give her the great love she use too and keeping all her money for herself !!! Greedy
NTA. Financial struggles are nearly certain to occur at some point in any marriage. The fact that her go-to response was to bad mouth you to the Uncles and Auntie’s is a pretty telling sign.
All of that being said, you need to sit down and talk with your wife about all of this if you want to move forward.
I think beyond the lack of emotional support that needs to be discussed, you might want to discuss downsizing your lifestyle if she’s unwilling to help during times of financial uncertainty. She should also realize that there will need to be a period of austerity since you’ve depleted your savings supporting the household while you were out of work. You were able to float on 10+ years of savings. What happens if you’re laid off again in the next five years since she’s unwilling to contribute?
You need to let her know that since you are paying everything for you and the kids, she is the unnecessary person in the family so she is welcome to leave or start pulling her weight in the family.
My guy….
There are better women out there. Most of what she did i could abide….
However, telling everyone else you’re lazy and struggling is evil as fuck. She should have never talked about you like that behind your back. She’s supposed to show strength when you’re down, instead, she kicked you dude.
You gotta get out of this relationship. She’ll use you up and take all your sweetness away and when the next woman comes around that really truly deserves it, you won’t have any sweetness left to give.
Save yourself!
It was so well written. It was delightfull to read but heartbreaking. Your feelings are totally valid. There were several posts about this imilar situation. It didnt went well for most of them. You should talk to her and say what you just wrote.
I have similar arangements but I always feel discomfor when my partner spents more and if something would happen with him or his job of course I would step up more.
The sad mistake was allowing your wife to believe that her salary was her salary alone. Always the best way to handle money is for each adult to pay a proportionate amount of every joint expense commensurate with their respective earnings. The rest is then for each’s personal use. Please, leave this woman. She’s unworthy.
On first glance, this sucks. You paint a very sympathetic figure.
But I’m also Indian, so I have to ask, does your wife who works also do the household management and maintenance. Is she the main parent? Does she cook and clean? Did you take over all of this when you were unemployed?
If she suddenly decided she was burned out maintaining the home and childrearing, would you have empathy and take over for her?
NTA — It’s important to feel appreciated.
I have not been through this, but this sounds like you could use personal therapy to work through your hard feelings and make peace with how you were treated AND couples therapy so you can talk to your wife in a mediated setting about how she made you feel during a very hard time in your life and how she can provide better support next time.
If it is possible, Divorce, life is too short
My friend, this is the culture. Transactional and without emotion.
Knowingly or not – you bought into this. You were not selective enough.
This is precisely why shared values, emotional connection and attraction is so important. Everything an arranged marriage is not.
Because once you fail to bring to table what you the transaction demands – you are cast aside.
At least you find out why she married u 😉
Wow she’s not a very good partner. Both my husband and I worked. The only time I didn’t was maternity leave. The money I made went to our family not just me. It helped with extra things for the kids. Both our salaries went into the same account. I don’t get the my money is mine and your money is yours. We’re a family and our money is ours and most of it is spent on the expenses for the whole family.
I guess your marriage is over. Because this is absolutely terrible how she treated you. Feel free to revisit what you are actually paying for. Cut off whatever you need to cut. Take vacations with your kids. She definitely has a nest somewhere with her own money while your money are seen like a family property. Get a lawyer. Check your options regarding property and money. Get a therapist to process your feelings. NTA
She undoubtedly felt anxiety at the unstable situation and feared that her life and the lives of her children were going to crumble.
You should speak with her about this, share your insights, and perhaps see a marriage counselor with her. There is no shame, here, only normal marital tension.
NTA
She needs to begins proportionally contributing to the family expenses. Immediately.
What does she bring to the table of your relationship? Nothing financial or emotional, we can see.
Dude. Divorce this asshole.
A lot of this comes from the Indian cultural mindset. Does she have the right to veto or decide any large decisions without you?
NTA, and I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you needed. That said, it’s about time to have your wife kick it up a notch. You have to talk to her about the damage she’s just created because the resentment is going to start seeping out of you and once that happens, there’s really no turning back.
Prepare your assets so they don’t get someone taken by your wife man she is only there for the money. It’s gotta hurt but don’t beat yourself up man cause it’s really not your fault that other people are just disgusting and find nothing wrong with the way they act
Did you take over household chores and childcare during this time? Or was it your wife continuing to do both her paid job and job in the home while you were waiting for the right opportunity. If you took on the household tasks and childcare then NTA. If you failed to use your free time to support her then why would she support you? In that case YTA.
Info: when you took two months off, how much of the housework and childcare did you take on to ease the burden on your wife? She works a job, takes care of the house, and the kids… could she ever take 2 months off?
If you want to change your family dynamics, you have to take a deep look and your household and cultural expectations. You both have to work together to break down gender roles to find real happiness and connection
NTA. Unfortunately, your wife showed you exactly how much she values you, or more accurately, she showed you what she values you as: the walking, talking wallet. Leave this horrible woman as soon as humanly possible.
nope. sounds like you’ve nailed it.
NTA but tbh dude, you need to grow a spine and have it out with your wife and then divorce. She failed as a wife when it was most important and I’d make sure to tell her that.
Why didn’t you speak to your wife?
Yeah my guy. You are just the provider… And if you don’t do that you are worthless by the sounds of things
Imagine it was just you and all your work went back to you and what you wanted? It’s lonely driving a sports car through a french vineyard alone, but it’s better than having a leech in the seat next to you expecting more.
Have you talked to her about it?