I (F31) and my husband (M31) have been married and living together for four years. Last night, we had a fight, and he called me selfish and said I overreacted. The argument started because, the night before, after he got home from work and was doing some extra work on his computer (he’s a mechanical engineer), I asked him to put away the leftover pizza from our dinner. He told me he was busy and that I should do it myself because I “wasn’t doing anything important.”
I got angry. He did put away the pizza, though he complained about it. Later, I apologized for how I reacted. But when we talked about it again today, he told me I was unreasonable and should have understood that he was working and that I interrupted him for no good reason. We ended up fighting again.
Here’s the thing—I also work full-time as a software developer. I feel like I do most of the housework for us. Every day, I do all the dishes, cook and prepare meals, and sweep the house. I also do the laundry on weekends. He does contribute—he mows the grass once or twice a month, waters the plants daily, and cleans up after our dogs once or twice a week.
That night, I had worked all day. After he got home and started working again (by choice—he wasn’t doing extra hours), I cleaned the floors, did the dishes, and made the pizza from scratch. And yet, he couldn’t take five minutes to put the food away? i didn’t even asked him to clean the dishes, I know I wasn’t busy at that exact moment, but it was my free time. I had worked all day, and I wanted to rest. I don’t think it was selfish to ask him for help just because he chose to spend his free time working.
We make almost the same salary and contribute equally to our finances. I know our division of household chores is something I agreed to, and it’s generally fair. But I still feel like, in that moment, he should have just helped and put the food away, because i did all the other chores by myself.
Am I the asshole?
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I (F31) and my husband (M31) have been married and living together for four years. Last night, we had a fight, and he called me selfish and said I overreacted. The argument started because, the night before, after he got home from work and was doing some extra work on his computer (he’s a mechanical engineer), I asked him to put away the leftover pizza from our dinner. He told me he was busy and that I should do it myself because I “wasn’t doing anything important.”
I got angry. He did put away the pizza, though he complained about it. Later, I apologized for how I reacted. But when we talked about it again today, he told me I was unreasonable and should have understood that he was working and that I interrupted him for no good reason. We ended up fighting again.
Here’s the thing—I also work full-time as a software developer. I feel like I do most of the housework for us. Every day, I do all the dishes, cook and prepare meals, and sweep the house. I also do the laundry on weekends. He does contribute—he mows the grass once or twice a month, waters the plants daily, and cleans up after our dogs once or twice a week.
That night, I had worked all day. After he got home and started working again (by choice—he wasn’t doing extra hours), I cleaned the floors, did the dishes, and made the pizza from scratch. And yet, he couldn’t take five minutes to put the food away? i didn’t even asked him to clean the dishes, I know I wasn’t busy at that exact moment, but it was my free time. I had worked all day, and I wanted to rest. I don’t think it was selfish to ask him for help just because he chose to spend his free time working.
We make almost the same salary and contribute equally to our finances. I know our division of household chores is something I agreed to, and it’s generally fair. But I still feel like, in that moment, he should have just helped and put the food away, because i did all the other chores by myself.
Am I the asshole?
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> i fougth with my husband and made him do the work, ami the asshole?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Why was there any reason to talk about it again today?
Whomever brought it up today is TA.
NTA
Nobody is too busy to put away the leftovers of a scratch pizza that was made for them to enjoy. Good grief!
NTA. You both work full-time, and it’s reasonable to expect a little help with household tasks, especially after you’ve done most of the work already. It doesn’t sound like a big ask for him to put away the pizza.
If one person makes the food, the other person can help put it away afterwards. NTA
NTA but i think you need to communicate better.
This is a common problem is see with alot of relationships, being an uneven distribution of household chores. It tends to fall on the women more often as I think we are still shifting into new social norms where men are expected to contribute more to the household. I understand your frustrations and we both know this isnt because of the pizza. This is pent up frustration built up over time from having to clean up after him and feeling like your time is less valuable than his.
I agree that you did overreact but I also understand where your anger is coming from which is why I think NTA. However, your approach is damaging for your relationship and blowing up at him over this was not appropriate. I think you need to find the root cause of your anger and frustration (is it because he is dismissive? Does he postpone chores or put the responsibility on you often?), try to find a way to communicate it to him, set your boundaries for what you are okay with, and find out how to compromise to find a way to divide the chores more evenly. As you said, you both work full time and both contribute to paying for the bills. In this day in age where everything is “50/50” he should not expect you to have to clean up after him (ie: washing his dishes, laundry, etc). He is a capable person with two function hands and feet and if he were living on his own, he would have to put the pizza away himself and more. Do not swallow the responsibilities and just take it on yourself. Communicate with him and learn to work together.
Good luck OP.
Edit: sorry I wanted to add that the distribution of chores doesnt really sound even to me. Having to wash the dishes every day, cooking, preping meals, sweeping and laundry are tasks that require more frequency and time than watering the plants, mowing the lawn once a month, and cleaning up after the dog once a week. Your chores are required on a daily basis. It may be helpful to divide up the daily and weekly tasks and then separate responsibility for bigger chores (like mowing the lawn, or cleaning the bathrooms)
You don’t feel like it’s fair and seems you may have some resentment from doing more around the house , if you guys are splitting finances how is jt fair that you do more around the house anyways lol
I think the bigger issue is that the chores aren’t split equitably and you’re resentful of the fact you do what appears to be quite a bit more than him.
Time to sit down and talk about that.
NTA You need
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards
YTA. It would have taken less time to put some left over pizza in the fridge than it would to go to where you husband was working to ask him to do it. Then when it turned it into an argument you act like it was all his fault. Please enlighten me as to how long it takes to put uneaten pizza in the fridge. If left in the box it would be 10 seconds. Place in a container and then the fridge, dispose of box maybe a minute. Put on a plate, cover with wrap, place in fridge, dispose of box 2 minutes Max.
Super simple” M, W, F: your nights to clean up before you go to bed. Tu, Th, Sa: his nights to clean up before he goes to bed. Ya’ll “share” Sunday, and do it together. Problem fairly solved for a couple that both works.🤷
Can’t you have a convo about all chores so you can find the same equality and no one is resentful?
Stop doing more than 50% of the chores. Why would you do >50%? Just do your laundry, just cook your dinners, etc., until he picks up his 50%.
Hard to say, but I think if someone is doing their job, you probably shouldn’t ask them to do things you could trivially do yourself.
INFO
> after he got home from work and was doing some extra work on his computer (he’s a mechanical engineer), I asked him to put away the leftover pizza from our dinner.
OK, where were these four things located at the time, in relation to each other:
You
Your husband at his computer
The pizza
The refridgerator
> I cleaned the floors
By hand? You guys are a software developer and a mechanical engineer and you don’t have a Roomba?
> our division of household chores is something I agreed to, and it’s generally fair.
Then why are you framing this like it’s inequable?
If it took him “only” five minutes to put the pizza away then wouldn’t it take you “only” 5 minutes to do it ?
Marriage isn’t a contest of who does more. When he’s busy you need to do more, when you’re busy he should do more.
A task that would of taken 5 minutes is now a 24 hour fight.
Nta. You bought and cooked the meal, it’s pathetic that he is complaining.
Who brought up an already resolved fight?! They are the a-hole. They need counseling. They are selfish.
You asked while he was in the middle of working. Yes you worked all day and do stuff around the house it wasn’t that you asked it was when you asked. He was working you weren’t at that time doing anything. I think you could have just put it away since he was working
On what planet is your division of household labor fair? You do 3x the chores he does! NTA
You’re married to a narcissist. Oh dear.
NTA, Not at all.
Write down all the tasks you do and how long it takes you.
Get him to write down all his tasks and how long it takes.
Then tell him its 50/50 from here on out. And start dividing.
One cooks and one cleans. That’s how it goes.
NTA. But it’s so not about the pizza.
Yes. If he was working and you were not you should have put it away. In that moment everything else is irrelevant. It sounds like you are just trying to convince yourself that you were in the right because you feel like you do a lot.
The fact is he was working at the moment and you were not.
NTA i don’t think the division of chores is fair
NTA. You were both tired and didn’t want to deal with putting away the pizza. The problem isn’t who was more tired, it is about continuing to fight about it the next day. It really is a silly thing to blow up a relationship about.
NTA but you two will have to hash this out because right now it sounds like he’s perfectly content to have one job to your 1.75 jobs.
2 things:
It isn’t just distribution of chores – he takes it for granted that she does the daily housework and expects her to do any extra tasks as well (servant, answer the door)
I get that he didn’t want to stop working when he’s in the middle of a task. It can be hard to get back into it once interrupted.
However, it needs to be understood that he cleans up after himself and cleaning tasks are his responsibility too.
He shouldn’t leave to start work without asking
“is there anything I should do before I start work, since I don’t want to interrupt my flow.”
ESH
He should do more of the housework, and seems very selfish.
You were the one who noted the pizza being out and found it objectionable, but went and told someone else – who was already engaged in a different activity – to put it away. It’d have taken less time to just put it away yourself.
NTA but time to change this. Split the chores equally or hire a housekeeper. What he doesn’t do doesn’t get done. You are doing too much and he clearly isn’t doing enough.
Nta but This is a good time to mention unseen labor theory. The ‘work’ of a chore is not less than a money making one. So you felt like it was fair to ask him and he felt like he was already doing enough.
But usually when it’s something small it’s not actually something small .
He may be stressed when his work flow is interrupted or you may have been exhausted and didn’t have the juice to put it away and he didn’t know that.
One of the best fixes I’ve seen is to start including the other person. Have him make the pizza with you next time sort of thing
You need to communicate about why you didn’t want to put it away (sounds like you needed a break or some sense of teamwork ) , he needed to explain that it had to wait till he was done with his work , and he needed to know how tired you were
ESH. It sounds like you two need to completely redistribute household chores. This divide clearly isn’t fair, and you’re holding a lot of resentment over it.