I never thought I would post anything, but I feel like I’m in the twilight zone and want some outside perspectives. So, some background, I (32F) live with my sister (29F) in the home she was able to buy with inheritance from our father passing away (I used mine to complete my master’s degree in counseling). We’ve both been having a hard time financially. My sister has been going to nursing school, and has been working less. Because of this, I have covered her mortgage and the majority of the bills for nearly a year and a half now. I think our arrangement is mostly equal because she is also helping me get to work since I don’t drive.
My sister has had a string of bad relationships and has always been impacted by any sense of rejection because she has borderline personality disorder. Despite my training as a therapist I’ve always really struggled to set boundaries with her or have calm conversations about things that upset me regarding our living situation. Once she makes her mind up, it’s impossible to change it.
Now here is the current situation. My sister has been actively dating again despite some disappointments. With the most recent guy, after their first date (and talking for a day or so), I heard all the things I’ve heard before. That he’s different than the guys she’s met before, and she thinks he’s the one. I’ve heard this 4-5 times, all of which ended messily, a pattern that I would no doubt draw a client’s attention to, but I’m not my sister’s therapist. Anyway, a couple days go by and I start to notice she’s moving even quicker than is typical, confirming their committed relationship after one date and a couple days talking via messenger. I notice, but keep my judgy comments to myself. Then she goes on their 2nd date and I get a text message at midnight informing me that he’s going to be moving in with us because he has nowhere to go. There is no discussion, and no chance for me to voice my agreement or disagreement. She has decided, and I am just being informed of her decision. She acts confused when I am angry about it. I hate living with roommates, I can’t move out easily, and she does not actually know this person. During our fight today she said that the reason she said yes is because she doesn’t want him to go back to the place where he was addicted to drugs, which is not a ringing endorsement. She says its her house so she gets to decide, but my point is, I have been paying the mortgage and bills for months. I think I should at least get a say in the matter. It is her house, and she has helped me a lot, but I think its basic respect to care about what I have to say about it. We had a really awful fight, and I shouted that I would move out and not pay the mortgage for this upcoming month. Having calmed down, I have decided to still pay the mortgage and told her that. I might still move out, though I don’t know where I will go. She says I don’t have a say about him moving in and that I’m trying to control her. Am I the asshole?
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I never thought I would post anything, but I feel like I’m in the twilight zone and want some outside perspectives. So, some background, I (32F) live with my sister (29F) in the home she was able to buy with inheritance from our father passing away (I used mine to complete my master’s degree in counseling). We’ve both been having a hard time financially. My sister has been going to nursing school, and has been working less. Because of this, I have covered her mortgage and the majority of the bills for nearly a year and a half now. I think our arrangement is mostly equal because she is also helping me get to work since I don’t drive.
My sister has had a string of bad relationships and has always been impacted by any sense of rejection because she has borderline personality disorder. Despite my training as a therapist I’ve always really struggled to set boundaries with her or have calm conversations about things that upset me regarding our living situation. Once she makes her mind up, it’s impossible to change it.
Now here is the current situation. My sister has been actively dating again despite some disappointments. With the most recent guy, after their first date (and talking for a day or so), I heard all the things I’ve heard before. That he’s different than the guys she’s met before, and she thinks he’s the one. I’ve heard this 4-5 times, all of which ended messily, a pattern that I would no doubt draw a client’s attention to, but I’m not my sister’s therapist. Anyway, a couple days go by and I start to notice she’s moving even quicker than is typical, confirming their committed relationship after one date and a couple days talking via messenger. I notice, but keep my judgy comments to myself. Then she goes on their 2nd date and I get a text message at midnight informing me that he’s going to be moving in with us because he has nowhere to go. There is no discussion, and no chance for me to voice my agreement or disagreement. She has decided, and I am just being informed of her decision. She acts confused when I am angry about it. I hate living with roommates, I can’t move out easily, and she does not actually know this person. During our fight today she said that the reason she said yes is because she doesn’t want him to go back to the place where he was addicted to drugs, which is not a ringing endorsement. She says its her house so she gets to decide, but my point is, I have been paying the mortgage and bills for months. I think I should at least get a say in the matter. It is her house, and she has helped me a lot, but I think its basic respect to care about what I have to say about it. We had a really awful fight, and I shouted that I would move out and not pay the mortgage for this upcoming month. Having calmed down, I have decided to still pay the mortgage and told her that. I might still move out, though I don’t know where I will go. She says I don’t have a say about him moving in and that I’m trying to control her. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I threatened to move out and not pay the mortgage, and don’t want my sister’s boyfriend to move in with us.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA You need to move out. If you can afford her mortgage and bills, you can afford your own place. Sis needs to stand on her own feet and feel the consequences of bad decisions. No more bailing her out. She’s an adult.
No your not! I wouldn’t pay the mortgage as she claims it’s her house! Use that money towards getting your own place!
“During our fight today she said that the reason she said yes is because she doesn’t want him to go back to the place where he was addicted to drugs…”
NTA This arrangement is going to end badly. Put a Lock on your door and lock up everything of value you have before Mr Not So Wonderful arrives. Your sister has lost her mind letting a recovered addict she barely knows move into the home but she did. All you can do is go on the defense to protect yourself.
NTA.
I can tell by the post that you are genuinely concerned for your own safety.
It would be best for you to move out as soon as you can.
Since your sister’s name is on the deed, it’s her responsibility to pay the mortgage after you are gone and paying rent on your own living space.
NTA, your sister has serious mental health issues & it must be difficult to live with. She may need Baker Acting for putting herself & you in serious danger.
NTA. You not wanting him to move in there isn’t being controlling. She barely knows this man. Stop paying her mortgage. Save your money and get your own place ASAP.
I’d get a studio,
An addict moving in after only knowing each other less than a week?
Don’t put yourself in this situation, please.
Call a friend, call family, anybody that can get you out, plan an exit.
Its not worth the headache and the potential dangers.
Y T A is you stay living in this house. Do not pay any more bills and move out and get an apartment or studio within walking distance or bus distance to your place of employment. She herself told you to get out so follow her advice and leave.
Stop paying her mortgage
NTA. Her decision is compromising your safety at worst, your privacy and peace of mind at best. Considering, I think you should consider taking the money for next month’s mortgage and use it toward moving out. In the meantime, before this guy gets there if possible, do you have friends or family you can stay with until you have enough deposit money and have found a place? Do you hate living with roommates more than you hate living with a volatile, self-absorbed sister (prominent features in borderline pd, as you know) who thinks nothing of compromising your safety and hers? Honestly, I’d consider public transportation or a motor scooter for transportation if it meant peace of mind.
I would not pay the mortgage. I would find somewhere else to live. I would find a studio or rent a room somewhere. If he is a drug addict and has nowhere else to go, then he will be living in your home when you are not there. Possibly having people in the house and or stealing your items to sell for drugs. That is not a safe environment. In this situation, you definitely need to look out for yourself. NTA.
YTA. Her house, her rules, HER MORTGAGE, period, full stop.
Time to stop carrying her and move out. I would give 30-60 days “notice” and dip.
Don’t pay the mortgage and move out. Let her fuck around and find out.
YTA to yourself. You have been paying mortgage and she gives you rides and you somehow think that’s fair?!?! Girl no it’s not fair. It’s her house then stop paying the mortgage. You need to move ahead is t helping you at all
STOP paying the mortgage!!!!! You definitely should move out and put that mortgage payment towards a place for yourself. She is blatantly disrespecting you and all the help you’ve given her. BUT…it’s her life and if she wants to fuck it up by letting a strange man move in then it’s on her. Luckily for the sister, he can get a job and help with the mortgage now!
This is how ppl end up the topic of cold case murder documentaries
Maybe you can get her to charge him rent. He will probably resent it and this will accelerate her insight into his personality.
NTA, but I don’t know what kind of legal leg you might have to stand on here (Paging Judge Judy). You’re a tenant, I guess, but it is still her home and she can move in anyone she wants, unless there is a lease we don’t know about. This is going to end badly for your sister, unless this guy can somehow magically get it together in the next week or two? Move out as soon as you can get an apartment close enough to work and/or public transit. They will drag you down for sure.
If she can’t cover the mortgage without you, I guess she’ll be losing the house soon. You can’t stop a borderline from trying to destroy everyone around her. You have a masters and counseling, but you will not be able to fix her. Trust me on this
Do not pay anything else. Move out.
Why would you continue to pay the mortgage? If she insists on letting this guy move in, you’ll move out, right? You should. So you’ll have rent to pay somewhere. I would not throw money at someone who is burning up her life. Your money will get burned up with it, and it won’t have actually helped. She’s probably better off without your money, because that will lead her to face — and hopefully solve — her own problems more quickly.
NTA but if she is set on him moving in you both need to protect yourselves. Write up a formal lodger agreement with set parameters for staying and eviction. That way when, not if, things go bad you’ve got legal protection to remove him from the property. Keep all your own stuff in your room with a lock on the door and no sister does not get a spare for emergencies. Everything valuable needs to be photographed and ownership documented so if things go missing, police reports can be filed. If the whole reason she wants to move him in is so he doesn’t fall back to drugs, I would make it a zero chance policy that if any drug paraphernalia is found on his person or in the house then he has to leave immediately.
NTA, and you need to get out ASAP. She doesn’t know this guy, and I’m pretty sure you’re going to get home from work one day to find the house cleaned out.
NTA. Find another place and have some self confidence and self respect.
NTA, but you need to find a new place to live. Stop trying to rescue your sister and maybe she stop trying to rescue guys because she’ll have to expend the energy taking care of herself.
The money you’re contributing to the mortgage, at least, should be put aside and saved for your move. While you’re there, you should still cover bills but only a respectable amount. Whatever you can save up needs to be saved quickly. Is there any way you can work other temporary side jobs? You need to save As much as possible, as soon as possible. You are continually being put into an uncertain and possibly unsafe environment. If Your Sister wants to do the it’s my house thing, she has every legal right to. As soon as you can get out of there, she can have the privilege of being the financial muscle in her house as well. Her and whomever she decides to bring into her home. Consider trusted friends and family. If you’re somewhat regular about your church attendance, maybe they can offer some resources or help.
Yta.
Its her house.
You can voice your opinion. But fighting her is irrational. Unfortunately Its solely her choice.
I agree its irrational to invite someone who you’ve met twice.
NTA. Your sister found a homeless drug addicted who swings low and hard, and has love bombed the shit out of her. He got kicked out of where ever he was and that should be a huge red flag to your sister.
She’s setting herself up to have an abusive, controlling boyfriend. He’s already driving a wedge between you two. He’s already dug his hooks so deep into her that she’s letting him move in!
Your sister has no boundaries and no sense of self-awareness of her destructive patterns. She is being willfully ignorant because she’s ignored your pleas to get help in the past and she will continue to do so until she’s hit rock bottom.
This guy will have her taking out loans using the equity of her house to go to rehab, fuel his drug habit, and his lifestyle. And in the end your sister will be left with nothing.
You need to let her know the path you see for her and let her know if she burdens you with seeking safe shelter with no warning like this that you will not be there for her when she’s struggling to find a place to sleep at night.
NTA and for god’s sake put a lock on your bedroom door and keep it locked all the time and check the local databases and see if he’s got a criminal record.
No, it’s a potentially disastrous situation and you’ll be unhappy when things go sour at home, and you’ll be unhappy when she’s crying and begging you to move back in, and you’re not going to see peace and quiet for several months to come. So, use this as your hand-on competency test for your counseling career, and think about what you’d like to see for a client in your shoes. Then do that. You’re not at all the a-hole, but you also can’t be her rescuer. The world would be better if you and I ruled it, but no such luck. And have nothing to do with the drug situation, but be ready for her to join him in addiction. I’m so sorry.
NTA … just as sisters human beings and WOMEN..she needs to give you some consideration …but the fact you’ve been paying the mortgage for a year and a half …makes it 100% that she should have discussed the decisions with you. I think you came to the end arrangement . She’s standing on “its my house so you don’t get a say” even though you paid the mortgage for the last year and a half. I would not pay the mortgage. I would save that money and move out. She’s giving you no consideration… she would not receive any consideration in return.
Listen to all the concerned strangers on here. DO NOT PAY the mortgage or utilities or anything. The only thing you should pay for is a secure lock for your room so you can lock up your valuables until you can move out.
Move out as quickly as you can, and use the money you would have paid towards the mortgage and utilities for your own rent somewhere else. If you can’t find an apartment quickly enough, put your belongings in storage and rent a room somewhere. Move a coworker will rent you a room until you find something permanent.
Let him move in. You move out and take the mortgage payment with you.
NTA at all. In a living situation, all home residents should be in unanimous agreement for even overnight stays of guests, let alone new people being invited to live in the home. It’s even worse given that this guy is a stranger neither of you know much about. This isn’t just about an increase in utilities- this is about privacy, personal space and safety as women. Your sister could be endangering you both.
NTA. I’d genuinely consider a temporary rental before securing a new place. Like honestly your sister’s degree is a wash if she’s moving in addicts when you pay the majority of bills
NTA.
This isn’t even legal in most places. Leases prohibit subleasing or adding tenants. It’s also frowned upon socially, as you see here.
Tell her they can live in a van down by the river.
Unfortunately, it is her house. You’re NTA. Stop paying all the balls/mortgage.
Give her notice, in writing, that as of such and such date you will be reducing your contributions to 1/3 of all monthly household expenses, save the rest and move out.
If you can pay her mortgage, and all household bills you can certainly afford to live on your own.
And fyi, your arrangement is not fair. Driving you places does not equate to all expenses paid living situation.
Ah, the hobosexual. This is going to end terribly. NTA.
Sister’s boyfriend is a hobosexual. Only in the relationship to have someone take care of him.
NTA
You need to drive, what are you doing? You’re 32, move out on your own or get other roommates. You guys living together sounds horrible.
NTA
Leave. Let her and whoever figure out bills. If you can afford to pay for “her house” you can afford your own place
NTA, but it IS her house, you have no legal say. Time to move out into your own place where you do have a say.