My (56M) ex (52F) and I have two children together. Last year, she emailed me and asked if I would be willing to help pay to send our kids to summer camp. According to the terms of our divorce, I am not required to. My ex said she would not be able to send or kids to camp without my help.
As an incentive for me to help, my ex said she would return several items of mine she got in our divorce and gave me with a list of those items. One of the items was a hockey jersey.
I agreed to help, made the payment, and my ex took my stuff to my attorney’s office. When I picked it up, I discovered that my ex didn’t return my jersey. I emailed her about it and she said that if it wasn’t included with the stuff she did return, she had no idea where it is.
I told her that we entered into a contract. I fulfilled my end by making the payment, but she hadn’t fulfilled her end because she hadn’t returned my jersey.
No matter how much I tried to work with my ex, she refused to admit she was obligated to return the jersey. She even went so far as to say she was making up the list from memory and she was only really returning the items in the pictures I made her send me to before I made the payment to ensure my stuff was still in good condition.
Eventually I gave up trying to work with my ex and filed against her in court. A couple months after the hearing, the judge released his decision. He sided with me and ordered my ex to either return my jersey or pay me the replacement cost of $250.
The day I received the judge’s decision, I emailed my ex and asked her how she would like to pay me since she claimed she no longer had the jersey. When she didn’t reply, a week later, I sent her another email and told her she had until 5pm two days later to contact me, or I’d file contempt charges against her.
In an unrelated email from my ex, she tried to deflect some blame as she usually does. I replied that her deflection wasn’t going to work this time and that she is entirely in a situation of her own making. But despite that, I was willing to work with her and set up a payment plan. She didn’t respond by the deadline I gave her, so I filed contempt.
I’m wondering if I’m the a-hole because I only gave my ex a week and a half to respond and set up a payment plan before I filed contempt. I don’t think I am because she has a long history of not paying her debts (she’s been sued in court by other people for other debts she’s not paid) and she refused to even acknowledge her debt to me (the jersey) and I had to take her to court to force her to have to repay it. But I think I might be the a-hole for filing so quickly.
TLDR: My ex promises to return my hockey jersey she got in our divorce if I help pay to send our kids to summer camp. I pay. She doesn’t return the jersey. I sue her and win. She doesn’t try to work with me to set up a payment plan. I file contempt 10 days after getting the judge’s order.
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My (56M) ex (52F) and I have two children together. Last year, she emailed me and asked if I would be willing to help pay to send our kids to summer camp. According to the terms of our divorce, I am not required to. My ex said she would not be able to send or kids to camp without my help.
As an incentive for me to help, my ex said she would return several items of mine she got in our divorce and gave me with a list of those items. One of the items was a hockey jersey.
I agreed to help, made the payment, and my ex took my stuff to my attorney’s office. When I picked it up, I discovered that my ex didn’t return my jersey. I emailed her about it and she said that if it wasn’t included with the stuff she did return, she had no idea where it is.
I told her that we entered into a contract. I fulfilled my end by making the payment, but she hadn’t fulfilled her end because she hadn’t returned my jersey.
No matter how much I tried to work with my ex, she refused to admit she was obligated to return the jersey. She even went so far as to say she was making up the list from memory and she was only really returning the items in the pictures I made her send me to before I made the payment to ensure my stuff was still in good condition.
Eventually I gave up trying to work with my ex and filed against her in court. A couple months after the hearing, the judge released his decision. He sided with me and ordered my ex to either return my jersey or pay me the replacement cost of $250.
The day I received the judge’s decision, I emailed my ex and asked her how she would like to pay me since she claimed she no longer had the jersey. When she didn’t reply, a week later, I sent her another email and told her she had until 5pm two days later to contact me, or I’d file contempt charges against her.
In an unrelated email from my ex, she tried to deflect some blame as she usually does. I replied that her deflection wasn’t going to work this time and that she is entirely in a situation of her own making. But despite that, I was willing to work with her and set up a payment plan. She didn’t respond by the deadline I gave her, so I filed contempt.
I’m wondering if I’m the a-hole because I only gave my ex a week and a half to respond and set up a payment plan before I filed contempt. I don’t think I am because she has a long history of not paying her debts (she’s been sued in court by other people for other debts she’s not paid) and she refused to even acknowledge her debt to me (the jersey) and I had to take her to court to force her to have to repay it. But I think I might be the a-hole for filing so quickly.
TLDR: My ex promises to return my hockey jersey she got in our divorce if I help pay to send our kids to summer camp. I pay. She doesn’t return the jersey. I sue her and win. She doesn’t try to work with me to set up a payment plan. I file contempt 10 days after getting the judge’s order.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I filed contempt against my ex for not trying to set up a repayment plan with me 10 days after the judge ruled in my favor. I’m thinking it might have been to soon after the order even though she had a history of not repaying her debts.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nah dude, NTA. Seriously, contracts ain’t jokes. U held up your end, but she didn’t. She probs thought she could just dodge it and that’s not cool. Some might say you went in too hard, but honestly? Seems like you had to to get her to take it seriously. Stick to your guns, man. You’re in the clear.
INFO: why didn’t you want to pay for summer camp?Changed to ESH.
Why wouldn’t you just help your kids go to camp for free…bc they are your kids???
Dude, NTA. It ain’t about the jersey, it’s about the principle. If a deal’s a deal (which it is), she gotta make good or face the consequences 🤷♂️. Y’all gotta set boundaries, ex or not. And you did, so kudos to ya for standing your ground 💪. Justice served, tbh lol. Ain’t nothing wrong with expecting folks (even your ex) to honor their words. Stand firm, my dude.👍🚩
NTA with respect to your ex. You and she made an agreement and she did not do what she agreed to do. If you didn’t file for contempt, this behavior would continue.
Dude, NTA at all! You tried playing the good guy card and she straight up scammed you. Actions have consequences, she didn’t honor her part of the deal AND blew off court judgment. She provoked you to the limit, don’t feel bad about it. Just cause she’s ur ex doesn’t mean she’s entitled to play games with your sentiment. Stay firm, mate! 💯👊
YTA for not taking care of your kids.
Why do all the N T A replies start with “Dude!”?
YTA support your kids.
YTA. The fact that your ex has to NEGOTIATE with you so you help pay for your kids’ summer camp is ridiculous. And are you really going through all those legal battles over a $250 jersey that you’d said goodbye to before anyway?! Dude you have a serious problem.
INFO: If your ex can’t afford to send the kids to summer camp without your help (which you were unwilling to do for them), meaning she’s struggling financially, are you concerned at all about how these court proceedings and filing for contempt will impact her ability to care for your children?
I’m going with YTA. Whether or not the divorcee decree requires OP to help pay for things like summer camp OP is 100% the AH for basically holding his kid’s ability participate and have these experiences hostage to force his ex into doing things. This is practically the definition of weaponizing the kids. There’s some show or another that has a line ‘you divorce wives, you don’t divorce children’. If OP is withholding any form of support from his kids (regardless of if he is ‘legally’ required to provide it or not) in order to hurt. manipulate, pressure, etc his ex wife he is the AH. Period.
INFO: Why were you unwilling to help pay for camp for your children until she incentivized with the items?? Not that it absolves her from withholding the jersey, but I would like to know why this jersey was the defining factor of whether you’d pay for the camp. I feel like you needing to be given incentive to do something for BOTH of y’alls kids is more concerning than a $250 jersey…
NTA for waiting 10 days, thats enough time to search the house if its lost. If she didnt have the money at all, and she didnt have the money for camp either, she could have not wasted time deflecting, and asked for a payment plan type agreement.
That being said, I don’t think she should have had to bribe you to contribute to kids camp. They’re your kids too.
NTA
She made a legal agreement. She breached the agreement.
You just followed through.
Wait… according to your summary, your ex rightfully received that jersey as part of the divorce? But you value the jersey & stuff more than your children, so you’re making her trade the stuff to send the kids to summer camp, & you’re so incredibly petty about that you forced her into a legally binding contract. Since she can’t find the jersey (that you didn’t didn’t get in the divorce), you’ve hauled her into court to make her pay you for it. Where are the kids & their needs in all this? Oh yeah, waaaay behind your bitter priorities. YTA & the shining example of the nightmare ex that makes every woman quickly choose the bear.
YTA … take care if your kids! And… all this drama over a jersey? Grow up.
YTA, you should pay stuff for your
kids without having to being bribed. It’s not like she asked for you to subsidize a fancy vacation for herself while you watched the kids. It’s a summer camp… for your kids… to enjoy their childhood… are you following???
Slight ESH, you should’ve helped pay for the summer camp since they are your kids. If your child wants to do something in the future are you going to tell them no since it isn’t in the divorce agreement. She shouldn’t have used a jersey against you, but also having to do this type of back and forth to help the children YOU CREATED is crazy. I feel bad for your kids and can see why there was a divorce.
Manasphere.. “Dude, NTA.. get her.” People putting kids first..”YTA … help send your kids to camp.” She’s not asking for a new couch..
NTA
You gave her clear communication, multiple chances to respond, and even offered a payment plan. She ignored you. That’s not jumping the gun, that’s following through after she showed she wasn’t going to handle it like an adult. It wasn’t just about the jersey, it was about the principle and her pattern of avoiding responsibility. The court sided with you. She still blew you off. Ten days is more than fair in that context. You didn’t file contempt out of spite. You did it because she left you no other way to enforce what was already legally decided.
Yta
NTA and stop giving her anything outside of what is court ordered
You’re both in your mid50s, aren’t your kids grown?
NTA on principle, but she has to bribe you with stuff to get you to cover your half of the kids’ obligations?? Tsk…
You’re willing to hire attorneys to recover $250 but make your ex beg to help send your kids to summer camp? YTA. YT biggest A on this thread in some time
Wow, you really showed her. YTA.
YTA do you hate your kids?
ESH: her for hanging on to things that she now acknowledges were really yours, and you for not helping your kids go to camp.
The jersey isn’t really the point here. You offered a fair exchange, followed through, and she decided the agreement was optional. Courts exist for exactly that kind of problem. NTA
YTA bc why should your ex have to negotiate with you to send your kids to camp? Don’t you want your kids to go to camp? Does she owe you the jersey? Yes. Are you focusing on the wrong thing here? Absolutely. Ladies, this is why you don’t have children with shallow men, bc they will value a sports jersey more than their own children’s entire summer experience. Do you think suing your children’s mother will make her a better mother to your children or perhaps add to her stress level, causing her to be snappish and short tempered? All in all, you present a picture of a man who has prioritized his children on the bottom rung of a ladder whose top rung apparently has a sports jersey hanging on it.
On the issue at hand I say NTA. She made a legal agreement and gets to be held to it. Obviously she doesn’t care about the jersey so why did she get it in the divorce settlement? Spite claim?
But, you come off as the asshole for negotiating all this stuff before agreeing to help pay for your kids to go to summer camp. Why is that even transactional? It’s the kids. Help them enjoy their childhood. Simple.
YTA
you’d rather stick it to your ex than let your kids go to summer camp? YTA. your ex sucks for changing the terms but she shouldn’t have had to cajole you into helping in the first place. are you really so blinded by hate that you are choosing to be a shit dad? your kids deserve better.
NTA.
She made a legally binding agreement, received a court order, and defied it – all because of her own choices.
She can always fund the kids summer camp herself or just not bother you with her drama addict bs, but she chooses not to.
Protecting yourself from such an untrustworthy person is necessary, not an asshole choice.
YTA, and a big one
Going to suggest that chasing after a $250 hockey jersey cost you a whole lot more than that in legal fees. That’s some major league petty.
This is about your kids and whether they go to camp, not whether your ex is taking her new boyfriend to Belize.
Step up. YTA.
All this fight for a shirt and not a single fuck for the kids 😭
YTA: Dude, if she has to resort to literally bribing, baiting and switching to get you to pay for summer camp for your kids, there’s no universe in which you’re NTA. 🤦♀️ OMG! And the explanation that you MIGHT have HELPED even without the bribery tells everyone with a functioning brain everything they need to know about you. MIGHT have HELPED?? like you’re doing your kids and her a favor when it’s required of you as a parent? . 👀
YTA – she shouldn’t have to beg for you to do something for your children. You’re a grown adult who decided to lay with a woman and create life. Grow up and take responsibility for the children you helped create and stop using them as pawns in your stupid game.
YTA
So, may get downvoted for this, but this is really where I think AITA goes wrong. You can be in the right legally and *still* be an asshole. Being right doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t an asshole.
Did your ex-wife enter into an agreement with you? Yes. Did she violate the terms? Yes.
Was the manner in which you “enforced” those terms assholeish. Hell yes.
To be blunt, you really sound like a dick. I am not surprised you are divorced. You seem to think being cold and calculated means that the values of compassion, grace, and kindness don’t apply to you. They do. Every step of the way, you acted in the most aggressive, asshole-ish way possible.
Shame on you, OP, genuinely shame on you for not responding when she made this offer with “oh no, actually, I am doing this because I want *my* kids to have this experience”. Just gross on all levels here.
You are a loser
So you have no problem (willingly) spending thousands in attorney fees but because you’re not contractually obligated to help pay for your kids to have an enjoyable experience at summer camp – you refuse to offer a couple hundred bucks? Legally , (though I can’t believe any judge would have humored this, and not redirected you to small claims court), I guess you are technically within your rights. As a father? You completely suck. YTA.