I’m a single mom to 3 girls, (Sophie (2), Addie (4), and Evie (8). Their dad was in the military and passed when I was pregnant with Sophie.
I just got a new job that mostly aligns with the kids school/daycare schedule but I work late on Wednesday nights.
A friend of mine is going through a divorce and her ex husband is being difficult about child support so I asked her to babysit on Wednesday nights. In my opinion, the job is pretty simple. She gets there at 6, dinner is at 6:30 (always mac and cheese. I make the sauce before she gets there so she just has to boil the pasta and add the sauce), after dinner they get to play until 7-7:15, they each get a melatonin gummy, they watch bluey until 7:30-7:45, then everyone uses the bathroom, brushes their teeth, and goes to bed. All of the girls share a room, their pajamas and comfort items are laid out for them, and I have a stack of books out for bedtime stories. Everyone gets tucked in then sitter reads 3-4 stories until everyone’s asleep. Evie occasionally has a hard time falling asleep so I told the sitter if she’s not asleep by the 4th story sitting on her bed and rubbing her back tends to get her to sleep within a few minutes. Sitter turns off the lights, turns on the night light and sound machine, and gets to hang out on the couch until I get home.
I have all 3 girls sharing a room for a reason. Evie has anxiety and is scared to sleep alone. My younger two feel safer when their big sister is sleeping next to them. Putting the three of them together is the best way to get everyone to sleep. She knows she can get her own room whenever she wants but it’s not something I will force on her.
Last Wednesday I guess Evie wasn’t sleeping and kept insisting on more stories. My friend told her to lay down quietly or sleep in the guest room and Evie started to cry. My friend picked her up, put her in the guest room, and stayed in front of the door to the girls room to prevent her from going back to bed.
When I got home close to midnight Evie was still awake and was crying her eyes out. I didn’t find out what happened until the next morning. When my friend confirmed what happened and called it discipline I told her she wasn’t getting paid for that night and would no longer be taking care of my kids.
Now she’s saying I’m overreacting and my kids are spoiled and have behavior problems. I have mutual friends saying I’m screwing her over over a temper tantrum and saying the money I pay her is her entire grocery budget.
Now I’m wondering if not paying her for Wednesday and firing her was an overreaction.
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I’m a single mom to 3 girls, (Sophie (2), Addie (4), and Evie (8). Their dad was in the military and passed when I was pregnant with Sophie.
I just got a new job that mostly aligns with the kids school/daycare schedule but I work late on Wednesday nights.
A friend of mine is going through a divorce and her ex husband is being difficult about child support so I asked her to babysit on Wednesday nights. In my opinion, the job is pretty simple. She gets there at 6, dinner is at 6:30 (always mac and cheese. I make the sauce before she gets there so she just has to boil the pasta and add the sauce), after dinner they get to play until 7-7:15, they each get a melatonin gummy, they watch bluey until 7:30-7:45, then everyone uses the bathroom, brushes their teeth, and goes to bed. All of the girls share a room, their pajamas and comfort items are laid out for them, and I have a stack of books out for bedtime stories. Everyone gets tucked in then sitter reads 3-4 stories until everyone’s asleep. Evie occasionally has a hard time falling asleep so I told the sitter if she’s not asleep by the 4th story sitting on her bed and rubbing her back tends to get her to sleep within a few minutes. Sitter turns off the lights, turns on the night light and sound machine, and gets to hang out on the couch until I get home.
I have all 3 girls sharing a room for a reason. Evie has anxiety and is scared to sleep alone. My younger two feel safer when their big sister is sleeping next to them. Putting the three of them together is the best way to get everyone to sleep. She knows she can get her own room whenever she wants but it’s not something I will force on her.
Last Wednesday I guess Evie wasn’t sleeping and kept insisting on more stories. My friend told her to lay down quietly or sleep in the guest room and Evie started to cry. My friend picked her up, put her in the guest room, and stayed in front of the door to the girls room to prevent her from going back to bed.
When I got home close to midnight Evie was still awake and was crying her eyes out. I didn’t find out what happened until the next morning. When my friend confirmed what happened and called it discipline I told her she wasn’t getting paid for that night and would no longer be taking care of my kids.
Now she’s saying I’m overreacting and my kids are spoiled and have behavior problems. I have mutual friends saying I’m screwing her over over a temper tantrum and saying the money I pay her is her entire grocery budget.
Now I’m wondering if not paying her for Wednesday and firing her was an overreaction.
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> I might be the asshole because I fired my friend over one incident and didn’t pay her for the night she had worked even though the money she gets from this babysitting job is her entire grocery budget
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Yeah, definitely NTA. You get to raise your kids how you want, and you get to decide the rules for a child care person. Your “friend” traumatized your daughter by locking her in a room alone, then letting her cry. She has NO right to unilaterally decide “discipline” for your kids. Get rid of her from babysitting and your life. I think you still need to pay her, because she seems the type to sue.
NTA- You need to pay her for the hours she was there as she was present and actively keeping an eye on your children (though I do agree she had no right to discipline your children in a manner alternative to what you’d discussed) but I would definitely fire her also.
It would be awful to come home to your daughter being so upset. Maybe your friend was likely trying her best. It was a new situation for her and your kids. I’d pay her for the night and come to an agreement that it wasn’t a good fit, as Evie will likely hate her now.
Holy fuck,
N T A. I would be absolutely livid if someone did this shit to my kid.That said, eight is pretty old to still be needing so much attention at bedtime. melatonin gummies + 4 stories + indefinite back rubs? Either her bedtime is waaaaaay too early (I’m guessing bc she shares the room with littles) or she’s got some sleep problems. Or this is how I find out my kid is just a weirdo for going to sleep by himself lol
Edit: ESH. Even if someone does a shitty job, they still get paid for doing the job. Withholding the money after that was going too far.
You’re NTA for firing her, but you should pay her for watching them that night. She did take care of them, even though she messed up royally by causing Evie unneeded stress.
As a mom, I would be absolutely livid if I found out my sitter disciplined my child like that. It’s not her place to do that. The better solution would’ve been to just have Evie sit on the couch with her until you got home. She probably would’ve fallen asleep on the couch and then you could’ve handled it when you got home. Isolating Evie in a separate room was not the right choice, since that isn’t her normal routine and she has anxiety.
ESH. You should pay her for the time she worked. But absolutely NTA for firing her, for not following your clear instructions — not to mention for insisting, later, that her way is better.
YTA for not paying her, but it makes sense to fire her after she overstepped by “disciplining” your child.
NTA. The only reasonable thing for her to have done is call/text when your instructions weren’t working. But you don’t want to get into a wage dispute so the legal and ethical thing to do is pay her for that night then tell her you won’t be using her again. Go ahead and text her that you’re paying her for that night but that you won’t be using her going forward. Then block her if you have to. Tell your other friends that they’re welcome to hire her or help her get set up on care.com but that you won’t be discussing it again.
Pay her for when she was there. But she’s STILL fired. And she’s definitely not a friend.
°She locked your kid in a room alone for hours
°She didn’t do what you asked
°She’s actively trash talking your children and you.
NTA. Tell everyone defending her that they’re welcome to letting her treat their kids like that, but you’re not paying someone to bully your children.
NTA because it was not your baby-sitters job to trap your kid in a room BUT also, she probably never should have accepted that baby-sitting job. Your nighttime routine sounds like a nightmare — training a kid not to fall asleep without multiple books, drugs, and having a back rubbed until she drifts off? That was never going to work with a sitter/stranger. So, yeah. the baby-sitter made a bad call but that sitting job you describe is far from “easy.” Easy is baby-sitting kids who can independently self soothe and go to sleep.
ESH. You established a bedtime protocol that works for you and your girls, and you asked the babysitter to follow it. She deviated from it and is unapologetic about it, so any reasonable person would fire her. That having been said, you should pay her for the hours that she worked.
YTA. You owe her for the night. Firing was not an overreaction.
ESH. You need to pay your friend for the time she was there. You may not have liked how she handled things, but she was in your house, fed your kids dinner and kept them safe and was in your home until midnight. You need to pay her. Sometimes kids don’t sleep or they’re just not tired. So Evie could have laid quietly in bed and not disturbed her sisters, or she could have come out to the living room and fallen asleep on the couch. Your friend calling it discipline was a bit heavy handed. I would pay your sitter because she worked. Whether or not you hire her again is up to you. You refer to this woman as your friend and she’s in a tough spot. It wouldn’t kill you to give her a second chance and spell out to her what you’re ok with next time one of the girls can’t fall asleep.
YTA for not paying her. No job is allowed to withhold the money you earned when they fire you.
Don’t get yourself in legal trouble over this.
not wrong for not wanting her to watch them, but you need to pay her for the time she spent there from 6pm-12am.
INFO: How much money are you paying her that 6 hours of watching your kids 1 day a week is her entire grocery budget?!
Not paying her was an overreaction. Firing her was not. You should pay her.
INFO: Would she be okay not doing that again in the future? Or did she not accept that she cannot do something like that while watching your kids?
I think you owe her the money for that night if you fire her.
ESH.
Y T a just for giving your kids melatonin gummies
YTA for giving your kids melatonin and then letting them watch TV afterward
So you drug your children to get them to sleep? YTA just for that.
She was there and she worked. No matter how poorly she did the job it’s illegal not to pay her.
Okay, so in general, I am going with NTA but you DEFINITELY need to pay her for the time she did work that night.
as for the firing her? yeah 100% NTA. what she did was super out of line.
You need to be pay her for the work done.
But you don’t need to hire her for future work.
Pay her but do not let her babysit again.
YTA for not paying her. She’s already in a tough spot with her divorce and money ( you said this)
I don’t think the sitter was over the top on how she handled the situation either.
Its not how YOU would have handle it, but it’s not the babysitters fault your kid wont go to sleep without demanding more stories. This IS a behavior problem.
The sitter separated her probably so she has one kid that isnt sleeping vs 3.
The sitter sitting in front of the door tells me Evie wasn’t listening to the adult and kept going back to the other room. Again, a BEHAVIOR problem.
This is all on you.
YTA
NTA
I’m torn about the pay. They are alive, safe and fed. She didn’t leave them.
You did fire her, so that’s over. Maybe pay her up
Until the hour she put her in the guest room. She did everything right until
Then, assuming. It’s not an illogical idea to let her be awake in another bedroom
As to not keep up
The other two as well. Maybe let her read for a little while with a light on. The whole blocking her and saying your kids need discipline sounds a little nutty. All kids have trouble sometimes.
Your kids will know since she’s not coming back you stood your ground on how you want things with the family and that won’t happen again. That will be good for them.
I am curious, are her kids just a lot older? Who watches her kids?
NTA, pay her she worked. If you were fired would you still expect to be paid??? firing is correct, an what I would have done. but you still have to pay her…. 2 wrongs don’t make a right.
the gummy is a good idea, the average sitter is not going to rub her back until she falls asleep.
YTA for not paying her. She came, stayed with your kids for hours, and they were alive and while upset, not hurt. Firing her is reasonable considering you aren’t comfortable with the way she handled the situation. But she did still watch the kids and technically fulfill her end of the agreement.
YTA for not paying her but not for never hiring her again…
You can’t withhold funds that she worked for. You need to pay her. She still worked even if it wasn’t to your satisfactory. That being said, 8 years old is plenty old enough to lay down and be quiet when told to. Your daughter sounds like she was testing boundaries and fucked around too much. I think it would be a good time to talk to her about how just because you love and tolerate her behavior doesn’t mean others will. Had your friend done this to either of your two little littles- I’d be preaching a completely different tune. Your friend didn’t lay hands on her- she prevented her from continuing to disrupt the other two.
ESH.
You have to pay her for the night she worked. Plain and simple
You’re not wrong for firing her.
Not paying is an AH move. Firing is not.
Pay her and don’t let her babysit again. You’re NTA. She isolated your daughter and didn’t let her sleep in her bed. Kids can be stressful and hard especially when they all share a room, but she handled it the wrong way. She’s 8. Your friends are being kind of ignorant. As a full time nanny myself I do everything I have to do to make a child go to sleep happy. I’ve had to rub a 5 year olds back for two hours one time lol. She was tired and missed her parents which is normal. A child should not be crying for 4 hours. She should have either rubbed her back or turned all the lights off and let her lay on the couch till she was comfortable enough to fall asleep. I’m sorry you’re going though this!
melatonin every night ???! Why ? I can’t imagine a doctor thinks that’s a good idea. Eventually they’ll need multiple to sleep bc you’ve messed up their body’s normal output of it
YTA. Pay her.
NTA for firing her.
YTA for giving those young kids gummies every night. Whatintheactualfuck?!
I think you should cut book down to 2 unless they short..rub her back for few min if that don’t work then tell her lay quietly go into other room
Pay her for that night and find other care options.
ESH. Ok… I’m going to start with parenting is hard. Bloody hard. And everyone is an “expert” and ready to criticize. Add on top single parenting in tragic circumstances? Give yourself a serious pat on the back. You are doing great and everything you can to be a great parent. Here comes the but… This bedtime routine has serious red flags IMHO and you are not helping your girls long term. (I’m the parent of 2 girls – 1 with high anxiety and went through a hellish bedtime phase, amongst other challenges, so I do get it. We tried everything and ultimately had to balance tough love with a healthier wind-down routine. That worked for ours but every kid is different. She is now 19, and in university studying youth psychology to help kids like her). I’d be seeking professional help with this young lady… for both of your sakes. Now, back to the babysitter. Yes, she made some “interesting choices” and you have every right to fire her but you absolutely need to pay her for the time she was there. Maybe a kinder option could’ve been giving her 1 more chance now she knows the situation… maybe not… but if it were me and I’d have heard your routine demands, I honestly wouldn’t have taken the job in the first place.
NTA but please consider ways to help your children put themselves to sleep instead of making their sleep dependent on all this stuff. It’ll help them their entire lives if you help them learn to put themselves to sleep now.
ESH – firing her is totally reasonable, not paying her for work she has already done is not.
Yta for withholding pay. You’re free to not use her services again but not paying her would be considered illegal in most other situations. I realize this is an under the table situation so it’s probably not illegal in this case, it’s just fucked up.
Firing her was fine for any reason you like. Witholding her pay is surely criminal.
ESH except the kids. I don’t agree with the sitter’s way of handling the situation, proven by the fact that it didn’t solve anything and Evie was still awake at midnight. Would’ve been easy enough to just leave her in the room with her siblings to fall asleep. You need to pay her for the work she already did but not using her services going forward is fine if you feel so strongly about it.