This is a long story and I am trying to obscure my identity by slightly changing some details but overall this is accurate to what I’m going through.
I(30f)have a child from another relationship and while getting out of the toxic relationship with his father I ended up with my current partner(32M). Now when we first got together there was a major accident that left me bed ridden for a few weeks. Think multiple broken bones and surgeries.
He told me at this time that he anticipated marrying me one day and would like to move me/my child in. The caveat was that this farmhouse was his inheritance and he wanted to protect it. I only had a vehicle at this time and understood the hesitation to risk something that had been in his family for generations. I agreed. If we got married and it didn’t work out that I would walk away with what I came into the marriage with.
A few months pass by and he says to me directly during a conversation about the level of repair this nearly century old house needed that if he passed without having biological children with me that the house would pass to his brother and his wife. I agree again, I would have no house if this happened to me but understand how much this particular home seems to hold for his family.
Come to find out that accident I had at the beginning of the relationship was found not to be my fault at all and those at liability want to settle immediately, in the six figures. My lawyers have said they are fairly confident we will win with the video evidence we have and they are going to be going for the full insurance coverage amount of a few million. Meaning after medical bills and lawyers fees and taxes I will be a financially set for life if I buy a homestead and invest the rest.
My partner has suddenly changed his tune and no longer wants us to have a prenuptial at all for our upcoming wedding. On the other hand, I have doubled down and told him I will not be marrying him without one. One that states the home that I will buy with my settlement will be sold when the youngest child has turned 18 and left the home if I die but we can live together in for as long as I am alive. He can have his family’s farmhouse completely separately.
He has lost the plot. Accused me of being money hungry and it changed me. I told him this is to protect my children, I have seen how money after one’s passing in the family corrupts even the most “pious” of humans.
Am I being the AH here?
Comments
NTA but it appears your fiancé is showing you who he is. Where else has he exhibited the concept that the rules apply to you but not to him? Where else has he shown that he is willing to take from you but not give to you? Seriously think and make a list. Consider if this is the man you want to marry. If so, I suggest pre-martial counseling.
Separately talk to a lawyer about putting this money into a trust with all the rules and guidelines you want. This should protect it no matter what you do in the future and who you marry. Make sure the trust is set up with that in mind.
NTA. Run, don’t walk, run!
Not the asshole. It will always baffle me how money hungry people are so quick to call other people money hungry.I wouldn’t marry him if I were you,you probably feel like he is a great guy because he is a little better than your abusive ex but he is not. You deserve love and partnership that wants what’s best for you and he is not it.
NTAH.
NTA and I would SERIOUSLY reconsider marrying this person..
This is your sign to end this relationship. He had no problem making sure you walk away with nothing but he is entitled to your money?
NTAH. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.
NTA. But girl. The red flags are flying high.
As the old saying goes, “…what’s good for the goose is also good for the gander.”
Dude nooo. Do not marry especially him, without prenup.
Wow. I’d suggest rethinking this marriage to be honest. For one thing, you were fresh from an abusive relationship so any kindness and love probably felt like a prayer had been answered. You gave him everything he asked for to protect his assets and that was fine as long as he came out on top. Now that a bunch of money that rightfully belongs to you comes into view, his perspective does a 180. Now his stuff is his and your stuff is his and that’s a big old red flag. There’s no equality here, just what he wants, and he wants it all. Please protect yourself and your children. He’s certainly not interested in providing for your futures so it’s up to you. NTA.
NTA. This, uh… well? It makes total sense that you’re all up in arms about protecting your kids’ future. The whole thing with the ex and then the crash just shows ya how messed up this world can be. And that kind of fear, it fuels ya to fight for them, hell yeah! You’re a strong mama bear, sweetie, keep standing up for what’s yours, because your kiddos deserve it, and so do you.
He clearly only cares about what benefits him the most. I’d re-examine this relationship and think hard about how he might be using you for his gain. He could be marrying you simply out of convenience. If he loved you he’d want you to be taken care of for life even if the relationship goes sour
NTA, I’m kinda shocked my husband pulled a 180 on us with our pooch’s trust after initially agreeing. Hell, that dog’s got more financial security than our damn kids! We all agreed its money’d go for Rover until the kiddos turned eighteen… what a turnoff when someone’s true colors show over a windfall.
NTA – amazing how when it was protecting his familial home, it was because you may be money hungry because you weren’t bringing anything to the relationship. Now, you will be worth a good deal, you are money hungry. Walk away, him being so hell-bent on reaping the benefit that you have earned through true pain, etc shows his true character. He was always money centered and would throw up money in your face regardless. I would assume you liked him/loved him enough to marry him money or no. Especially being eilling to sign an agreement. However, can the same be said of him? He seems to be the one who is the gold digger.
Updateme.
NTA. Put anything you get into an account that only you have control over. Then decide how you want to spend your money.
NTA I wouldn’t marry him.
I think he has shown you who he is, believe him. You deserve much better. If you decide to marry him, please get an ironclad prenuptial agreement. If you really take some time to think and reflect, do you really want to live your life with him?
Nta
I wouldn’t even want to be with him. He didn’t want to protect your interest when the shoe was on the other foot.
Now he wants to join everything. Because he sees dollar signs.
I don’t like the sound of his integrity.
Your Fiancé “What’s mine IS mine…”
..
..
Oh, but I want you to split what’s yours….”
Just make sure you wait until AFTER you get the settlement to get married (to ANYONE) You don’t want him to say it was earned while married.
Run!!!
Ah. Time to break up. Sorry, but you see now who he really is.
NTA. Dont marry this guy AT ALL with his attitude.
NTA I would seriously reconsider marrying him after pulling this on you, he has shown his true colors.
Run fast, and run far.
NTA
it is called “malicious compliance”, and it pronounces “haha fuck you bitch !”.
This should be the hill you die on.
He wanted a prenup when it was in his advantage, but not now that you have more $$ to lose.
I would reconsider the entire relationship.
Leave the relationship
Regardless of how you feel, he’s a gold-digger and he just proved it
Anyone should
Get a prenuptial agreement because 40% of marriages end in divorce
NTA.
HE brought up the prenup. HE said that his brother will inherit the property if he dies without having children. It was all his idea. You agreed to it.
Ask him one question. Preferably whilst his brother is present. Has he told his brother that YOU will now inherit the property he was expecting to get because now that you have money he doesn’t want a prenup anymore?
Or you could just tell him to fuck off.
Your choice.
nta, you need to end the relationship
NTA
He has shown you how he thinks: my money is mine, your money is ours. Believe him. No prenup, no wedding.
Definitely NTA, NAH IMHO. However, I don’t see this as a deal-breaker either – just high emotions. Frankly, I’m not sure a prenup is even the best way to handle this for you or him. I also have a multi-generational family farm that I now own. You need to hire an attorney. I am not an attorney, but suspect that the attorney would recommend putting your settlement money and any house you may buy from those funds in said trust and name your child as the beneficiary of such. He too should put his family farm in a separate trust and list his brother as the beneficiary. Regarding repairs to the house, consider having your trust loan money to his trust. You and him as a married couple should probably rent the farmhouse from his trust, and said rent could be used to repay the loan from your trust for the repairs and for any other upkeep, etc. The key in all of this is not to comingle premarital assets if you want them to be protected from a future divorce. Above all, it is critical you do not comingle any of your finances before you are married!!
TL;DR: Hire an attorney.
NTA. But your fiancé is a scumbag. He wants to keep all of his assets and have yours too. Fuck that. Dump this parasite.
He showed you who he was when he told you that basically, if he dies before you, you and yer kid will be homeless, as he’d rather his brother AND his brother’s wife inherit the house over YOU, his future spouse. You didn’t believe him, so now he’s telling you again that what’s his is not yours, but what yours automatically belongs to him,
Break up with him and never look back.
NTA
A prenup is to protect both parties…. He still needs one to protect his family home & ensure it stays within his family if he chooses to not sell it at some point….but now you also have additional priorities for yourself to protect.
Additionally I’d question who he is if he now doesn’t want one…. especially when you got together as you were getting out of an abusive situation, which I’m pretty sure is something abusers look for…..come in as the hero to care for you when you have no support & limited options, but then end up abusive.
nta what’s good for the goose is good for the gander
His inherited property and your insurance settlement are already considered seperate,, not community property, by law in pretty much all places. So if this post is real it is much ado about nothing.
Clearly NTA
The real issue here is that both of you are trying to win a divorce before even getting married. Why bother.
If you just like each other’s company stay as partners, keep your finances separate, and don’t have children.
A collegue married into a fairly prominent well off family– not the kind of money in their halcyon days but he had a trust fund worth a couple hundred grand. About two weeks before the wedding his family springs the prenup. She was about six weeks pregnant and while it stung, he was clear it was non negotiable and pointed out that it “benefited” her as well since anything she had pre wedding was solely hers.
Bridesmaids took her out for some nonalcholic partying and stopped at a convenience store to use the ATM and bought her a sheet of quick pick lottery tickets. Yada yada yada mid seven figures. He was so happy that “they” won the jackpot– when she reminded him of the prenup. Supposedly he burned through most of his trust fund on lawyers’ fees trying to get his hands on the money LOL
In the final irony, she would have been in all likeliness been able to have the prenup overturned as the short time to call of the wedding and her pregnancy would have been viewed as signing under duress. She and her second husband live a solid upper middle class lifestyle and founded a group that works with at risk kids. Once the dust from the divorced passed her ex stepped up and is an excellent co parent and even does some volunteer work with her foundation.
What really bothers me about YOUR situation, OP is that, while it’s fine for your fiance to want to keep the farmstead in the family, there were ways to do that (such as a life interest) the wouldn’t have seen you kicked out of your marital home upon his death. That was a really crappy thing for him to do.
Yta if you marry him. His money is his. Your money is yalls.
He just showed his true colors!! Best he either signs your new pre-nup or you best walk away. He’s only looking out for himself & not you so best to throw him to the curb…NOW!!
You’d be pretty dumb to marry this person. Nta
Do not marry him. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. Also, ensure all your money is always and only in a separate account.
YNTA, your “fiancee” or whatever he was is. But maybe it’s time to stop seeking attention from inappropriate and dipshit men? It’s ok to be happily single and focus on raising your child. I promise.
NTA. Please, don’t marry that guy. He is a hypocrite and definitely is after your money now that you are not ‘after his assets’. He shows what counts to him and what he wants to get out of this marriage. You are still young and can find a great partner, who values you for who you are and not what you can give them.
Anyway, please updateme.
NTA but boy that mask slipped fast didn’t it?
Insist on an iron-clad prenup and no joint accounts.
I would not marry this man. He was perfectly willing to boot you out of his home if he died without issue…because he thought he had the best hand. But you got dealt the winning card on the river and he no longer had the best hand.
This is about control. And before this, he had all the control. Frankly, if anyone is being “money hungry”, he is.
NTA. Watch out for him conning you into fixing up the farmhouse to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars even if he agrees to the new terms.
Nope don’t marry someone like that at all. No prenup no marriage
Definitely get a prenuptial. He wants your money to fix up the old farm house and then he gives it to one of his family members. Bullshit.
Bank your money. Live in thr farmhouse. Keep putting your money away in savings. It provides you financial freedom which will be important for you.
NTA- The fact that he no longer wants a prenupl when you have money coming to you is a HUGE red flag
You should consider.not marrying him and moving on.
NTA but he is certainly a red flag!