So I (24f) was invited to go to a wedding next week. It’s for a friend (23m) who I’ve known since high school, and J haven’t seen him in a while (he lives in North Carolina, I live in Missouri where we grew up) I’ve been planning and saving for two months to go this wedding, and I’m so excited to go.
The problem is my boyfriend (25m) doesn’t want to go. He says he feels like we’ve been moving around too much (he helps his family a lot and has been having to get some things done on his truck, regular maintenance plus getting a new instrument panel when the old one went out after a bad storm) he doesn’t want to drive 14 hours just for the weekend, there’s someone we don’t get along with going and he doesn’t want to see him, and he’s worried about a day off I’d need for a job I’m starting at (I’m calling them in the morning to see if anything can be done) and I’m sure other things I’m either forgetting/he hasn’t told me.
I told him if he’s worried about his truck, we’ll take my car. I’m worried about my car mostly because it needs maintenance and I need to update my plates and it’s short notice to change transportation plans, but I’m willing to make it happen. Taking a train or a plane would cost us $800 and I don’t feel like that’s worth it at all for just a weekend. I’m already paying $300 for the hotel stay. He doesn’t trust my car either though.
I also told him if he doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t have to and I’ll go alone. He doesn’t want me to go alone, he’s worried something will happen. He brought up the fact my car died on the side of the road a few days ago. (It needs and is getting a new battery this week, the battery’s old). So if he goes, he’s going to be cranky and uncomfortable the whole time, but he’ll be that way if I go alone anyways.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve been looking forward to going to this wedding for two months and all of this is just coming up now. The hotel’s already booked and I told my friend I’m coming, but I don’t want my boyfriend to be unhappy.
AITA if I go/“make” him go with me to this wedding?
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So I (24f) was invited to go to a wedding next week. It’s for a friend (23m) who I’ve known since high school, and J haven’t seen him in a while (he lives in North Carolina, I live in Missouri where we grew up) I’ve been planning and saving for two months to go this wedding, and I’m so excited to go.
The problem is my boyfriend (25m) doesn’t want to go. He says he feels like we’ve been moving around too much (he helps his family a lot and has been having to get some things done on his truck, regular maintenance plus getting a new instrument panel when the old one went out after a bad storm) he doesn’t want to drive 14 hours just for the weekend, there’s someone we don’t get along with going and he doesn’t want to see him, and he’s worried about a day off I’d need for a job I’m starting at (I’m calling them in the morning to see if anything can be done) and I’m sure other things I’m either forgetting/he hasn’t told me.
I told him if he’s worried about his truck, we’ll take my car. I’m worried about my car mostly because it needs maintenance and I need to update my plates and it’s short notice to change transportation plans, but I’m willing to make it happen. Taking a train or a plane would cost us $800 and I don’t feel like that’s worth it at all for just a weekend. I’m already paying $300 for the hotel stay. He doesn’t trust my car either though.
I also told him if he doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t have to and I’ll go alone. He doesn’t want me to go alone, he’s worried something will happen. He brought up the fact my car died on the side of the road a few days ago. (It needs and is getting a new battery this week, the battery’s old). So if he goes, he’s going to be cranky and uncomfortable the whole time, but he’ll be that way if I go alone anyways.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve been looking forward to going to this wedding for two months and all of this is just coming up now. The hotel’s already booked and I told my friend I’m coming, but I don’t want my boyfriend to be unhappy.
AITA if I go/“make” him go with me to this wedding?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA who cares if he doesn’t want you to go? He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide you’re ‘not allowed’, you’re his partner, not his kid.
Even he doesn’t want to go, that’s fine, but he doesn’t get to decide for you.
NAH He can’t have it both ways. If you go alone, maybe rent a car hybrid so it’ll save on gas and offset its cost.
NAH
He has the autonomy and the choice to not go to the wedding.
You have the autonomy and the choice to go to the wedding alone.
Leave him at home. NTA
Reconsider him. Is he like this about other things? Sabotaging your fun? Being the one to decide what you do? Saying no to something but not wanting you to go without him?
Or is it just this moment/weekend?
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NTA you want to go to the wedding, go. He doesn’t have to go with you. If he does don’t put up with his attitude and leave him in the hotel room.
Your have already spent money on this and reading between the lines, it sounds like you might need a fun weekend and to connect with some friends. You should definitely go.
YTA sit down, your car is now working right. Yeah getting a new battery but still other issues for a 12 hour drive. Just sit down and send a gift. You will have other weddings
ESH. He has a right to enjoy weekend off of work. Go on your own, and he sucks for objecting to that.
NTA
He can decide he doesn’t want to go. Personally, I think that’s a jerk move because part of being a partner is supporting them in social events, but if he really is that tired or he really can’t stand that person enough to be in the same vicinity, then yes, he can stay home.
He absolutely doesn’t get to say you can’t go.
I just drove 11 hours to go see my grandmother alone. I’ve done it several times. I’ll be doing the drive back in one go. A single woman can absolutely do a 14 hour drive (though I do suggest having your car and tires checked beforehand, but that’s anyone for any roadtrip).
I also note he doesn’t want you to do it ‘because he’s going to be cranky and uncomfortable’ either way.
How selfish can he be?
Be honest, how often is this ‘I don’t want to and I don’t like you to’ mentality coming up in your relationship? Is this a one off issue because he’s tired and being a brat, or is this an example of a greater dysfunction in your dynamic?
Leave him at home. Rent a car for a few days for reliable transportation. Go and enjoy yourself.
it doesn’t sound like your in the financial position to make the trip and he is making excuses instead of saying the truth… the truth is that niether of you are in a position to go.
Took my former boyfriend to my absolute best friend’s wedding and he ruined it. Texting the entire time. Blaming me for making him go.
Never been happier without him.
Not relevant, but 23 seems crazy young to get married!
NAH. But keep in mind that you’re presenting it to him as a chore. You’re expecting him to make a 28 hour round trip drive for people doesn’t know or doesn’t like. And if you’ve never made a 28 hour drive solo, he’s right to be concerned.
I expect he’d be more willing to go, or at least not be worried about you going, if you suggested a plane instead, or added an overnight stop at the halfway point.
Is this a last minute wedding invite? I only ask bc you mentioned starting a new job.
NTA. But don’t “make” him go. That’s a recipe for resentment. Leave him at home and rent a reliable car. He has absolutely no say in whether or not you go and he can’t complain that your car will stall out by the side of the road. If anything happens with a rental, the rental car company will rescue you.
I feel like you’re both making more of this than it needs to be.
If your car (and his truck) aren’t up to the drive, rent a car. (If you have enough saved to consider a train/plane ticket, you can afford to rent a car for a few days.)
If he still doesn’t like the idea of you going alone, there’s nothing that says he can’t accompany you on the trip, drop you off at the wedding/reception, and go do something else for a few hours; you could even leave the reception a bit early to have a late meal together.
ESH.
If you bring someone who doesn’t want to be there, he’ll just be a drag. Take a family member or friend if you’ve already RSVP’d for two.
If you both hadn’t been planning to go for 2 months I might have a different answer, but it sounds like the drive shouldn’t be a surprise since you knew where it was when you rsvp’d and he agreed to go with you, and y’all likely knew there was a possibility the person you both don’t like would be there, yet he agreed to go. Seems like the only wrench in the plan is the car issue, which can be fixed by renting a car, you take his car and go without him since his sounds like it’s more reliable, or you both go in his car like you planned.
NAH- it sounds like neither of you really has reliable transportation and this drive could result in a breakdown. This is an understandable concern. That doesn’t stop you from wanting to go. Have you looked into renting a small car? They aren’t too bad, definitely cheaper than $800. I rented about a year ago and it was only a couple hundred dollars for a long weekend.
You’ve been saving to go to a wedding for two months without even thinking about reliable transportation? Good grief.
And starting a new job that you’re going to try to get time off from? Priorities, people.
It really doesn’t sound like you are in a position to go – you both need severe maintenance on your vehicles, you have a new job you really shouldn’t be taking a day off from so soon.
The wedding is next week? It is incredibly rude (INCREDIBLY) to just not show up at this point.
NTA for wanting to go, but, as someone who made a bunch of bad financial calls when I was in my early 20s, I would strongly consider attending the wedding webcast and sending a card/gift.
This is not the job market where you want to risk messing things up at work, and you might find yourself without a job or a car if you go through with your plans :
YTA. You have literally not given any thought to how impractical this trip is. Driving 28 hours in a weekend to save the cost of a plane ticket is an incredibly poor use of resources, Do you have any idea how much the gas is going to cost you? How about the wear and tear on your already faulty car?
Your boyfriend doesn’t want to put that many miles on either of your faulty cars and doesn’t think you should piss off your new job by taking time off so soon after starting. Your only real retort to all of this is “but I wanna.”
Call a friend who is going and get a ride from them. Enjoy the wedding
There’s this thing called car rental. And if he doesn’t want to go then just go.
Since you are coming from your hometown, and it’s a really long drive, is there any way you know someone else who is also making the drive? Maybe you could carpool?
Nothing brings down the mood than a grumpy ass road trip partner. Leave him at home and go yourself.
Also, it’s hella dumb to drive 28hrs for the weekend for a wedding. But if you’ve already RSVPed, YWBTA if you don’t show up.
Can you get a ride with someone else, or rent a car? I’ve read renting a u-haul or a truck from lowes or home depot is a cost saving option
He doesn’t want to go. Respect that or be an AH.
NAH
For now there is no assholes here. You want him to go with you (or even the classic want him to want to go) but you didn’t do anything to force him.
I was ready to jump at your bf for being controlling not wanting you to go alone but then you mentioned your car dying on the side of the road and I see his point. You need a more reliable car to get there or a different mode of transportation.
YTA on taking a trip you’ve not planned properly for. No idea how it costs you 800 dollars for plane tickets round trip domestically, even for 2 people, unless you’re trying to buy a ticket the day of the flight.
Are you trying to get a day off on a new job that you havent yet started? If its not PTO. then why are you replacing it with essentially a full day of driving unless youre literally not being paid enough to equal the amount saved for that leg of the trip.
If you must actually go to this trip. I really do not see how driving in any way for that far is going to save you money when you’re giving up work hours for it, and if you were planning it for months it shouldnt be a thing you just tell your new job about because it usually falls under the “when are you able to start” question.
Sounds like you shouldn’t be going either. Focus on filling your own cup before you overspend on other people who will understand when you explain your absence.
NRA. You don’t want him to be unhappy, but he’s making zero effort to do something that will make you happy. He can work on his vehicle, but not yours? He can’t do anything to make it easier for you to get there by yourself, but he won’t go with you plus he’s trying to stop you going even though he knows it means so much to you? He’s the AH.
If he doesn’t want to go to the wedding. Maybe he can just drive ip with you. Although there is no reason not to just avoid the person he’s mad at
I’m wondering: do you have a plan if your car does break in the middle of your trip? Aside from roadside assistance, are there extra funds to get it fixed on a whim, no matter the cost and/or tow it back to your home state and get it fixed there? If you do, maybe laying these solid plans down for tour bf will help ease his anxiety of you driving alone.
What if you rented a car? Would that be in your budget? I feel like your boyfriend doesn’t want to go because it isn’t his friend. But i don’t blame him for not wanting to see someone there. It’s nice that he’s worried about you, but ultimately that is your decision as to whether you go alone. Maybe he’d feel better if you rented a car – though cat rental places often don’t let people under the age of 25 rent a car or even be a driver on the car. Not sure if that is the same everywhere though.
If he doesn’t want to go it’s going to drag the trip down. I definitely wouldn’t want to “force” someone to go on that kind of trip. If this is behavior he often exhibits it can be a sign of controlling behavior.
If you’re going to drive you’re better off renting a car than putting that kind of wear and tear on a vehicle that has issues. I’d check around on different flight sites though. One airline ticket is going to cost less than gas, wear and tear, food, and time on the road. Have you checked all the nearby airports on budget airlines like Frontier Allegiant and Spirit?