My wife (28F) and I (29M) have been married for a year, together for six. Over that time, I’ve gotten really concerned about her eating habits, and it’s starting to cause some serious friction.
She literally just doesn’t seem to enjoy food at all. She’ll say stuff like, “I wish we didn’t have to eat to survive and we could just choose if we wanted to go out to a fun restaurant. It would be for like a hobby.” She also just straight up tells me she doesn’t like food and she’s never hungry.
The biggest issue is that she’ll only eat dinner because I’m home to make sure she does. During the day, she’ll just forget to eat or avoid it entirely. Even at dinner, she’s super particular about what she’ll eat. And if I’m not home for dinner, she again will not eat. I’ve seen her hiding food in the trashcan that she said that she ate. It’ll be an excuse like she had a few bites and got full, but I don’t think she even took bites. Don’t even get me started with her not eating breakfast.
When I try to talk to her about it, she gets defensive. I’ve brought up the possibility of an eating disorder, but she shuts it down immediately, saying she’s fine because she weighs 140 pounds. (The weight she says she is.)
It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to force her to eat, and it just turns into a fight. She gets mad at me, and I feel like an asshole for causing these arguments. But I’m just so worried about her health. I don’t know what to do.
And maybe I wouldn’t be so worried if she wasn’t on the treadmill for like three hours a day without fueling her body. It’s not three hours constantly. It’s just going to the basement several times to get on the treadmill.
Should I keep “forcing” her to eat, even though it’s causing us to fight? Or should I just let her do what she wants. She would go for days without eating if I didn’t say anything.
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For me depends is she overly skinny or just missing meals? If it’s not healthy you need to cause you want her around for you. If she is just missing meals just let her be she will eat when hungery.
Yeah it’s awful trying to help someone who hates you helping
INFO: is there a chance she has autism? Because I have autism myself having experiences of not eating food/skipping meals?
Try to talk to her to the point she feels safe to open up to you, she may bot be communicating something important.
Maybe ask her to get it checked out by a doctor? It could end up serious or just another thing, better to be safe than sorry yk?
Honestly, 140 pounds doesn’t sound bad at all (unless she’s extremely tall, of course). So it sounds to me that she is actually getting the nutrition she needs and the issue here is just that you feel that her eating habits are weird.
She’s an adult, she’s allowed to skip meals if she doesn’t feel like eating.
How would “forcing” your wife to eat even work? Are you going to make her sit at the table until she eats or stuff food in her mouth?
If this is something that’s just suddenly changed then maybe she should talk to her doctor about that? If this has always been her relationship with food then it appears she’s doing okay? She is 140 lbs so she’s eating something.
Some people just don’t enjoy food. Does she smoke? Drink lots of fluids? Snack a lot? Maybe her parents didn’t cook for her? Maybe she doesn’t want the hassle of cooking for herself? Maybe ask some questions & listen to learn, instead of arguing or criticizing.
Uhhhh yeah it kinda sounds a lot like she has an eating disorder. Or maybe food sensory issues like you get with autism like the other commenter said.
Unfortunately forcing someone with issues like that to eat doesn’t exactly help and can kind of exacerbate the situation.
But you mentioned she said she would like to go to restaurants occasionally as a hobby, perhaps you might have better luck getting her to eat if you pick her up her favorite takeout. Or maybe get little things she likes to snack on instead of trying to eat a whole meal, that can be less intimidating.
Dealing with this shit is really hard, you are a good husband for trying to help
What do you mean there’s the “possibility” she has an eating disorder? It couldn’t be more plain. Get professional help for her.
You said she weighs 140 pounds. Is she losing weight?
From the limited information here, she’s at least a reasonable weight. If she isn’t losing weight rapidly then she’s taking in calories somewhere. Perhaps she’s hiding what she’s eating from you. But she’s got to be eating. You forcing her to eat might be causing her to hide her other food even more. Not that this is remotely your fault. Her eating disorder is just that.
This sounds like maybe an eating disorder or potentially ARFID? I think she would benefit from talking to a therapist or psychiatrist specializing in these to pinpoint what’s going on
If she’s 140 but you have to force her to eat, how is she maintaining her weight? Something is disordered about her eating or at least the way she thinks about food.
Try relationship therapy and bring it up with the therapist.
I wonder if she’s bingeing and purging..
eating disorder? when did this happen? how much social media is she consuming overall and daily. also has she had a problem with food before.
This is not healthy behavior. Getting to the point of passing out or not eating all day are red red flags. She needs to seek help from a professional.
A dietitian is probably a good place to start. But see one who is eating disorder informed. Or a psychiatrist who also understands issues with eating. Unfortunately, there are doctors who will brush it off as no big deal if they don’t understand these disorders well enough. This is not something to brush off.
Just because she is 140# means nothing. An eating disorder doesn’t always “look” a particular way. People with bulimia can be overweight.
I know you’re trying to be helpful but creating this whole battle around food is actually making it worse. Forcing her to eat only reinforces her hatred of food. Go speak to a professional on eating disorders and let them guide you.
If she’s 140 pounds she’s eating somewhere.
I have struggled with disordered eating my whole life, she has something going on. Being “a healthy weigh” has nothing to do with the mental relationship to food and honestly, depending on her body type, 140 pounds could be very slim on her. I’m short and somehow when I am hovering around 130 people start to get concerned about my weight. 120 I look almost skeletal. So regardless of being in a healthy weight range, my brain is getting the good feels it wants because you can see my bones. To maintain that weight I have to eat like 500 calories a day AT MOST and exercise for hours a day. That’s clearly not healthy and after about 8 months of that I get sick and crash out. It is clear to me that your wife does not have a good relationship with food. She needs to see a mental health professional, not a GP. She very well might be perfectly healthy now but clearly something is going on with her mental health.
140lbs…. Not eating much… running 3hrs a day?
None of that makes sense? It’s almost impossible
She’s gotta be binge eating something somewhere if this is accurate
I’m guessing either an eating disorder that’s been developing, or autism/sensory issues?
According to your comments she can go days without eating, she has become dizzy and she hides food to lie about having eaten, which is concerning. If she’s completely against going to the doctor you could maybe get one of her family members involved, but be aware that she might see that as a breach of trust.
If it is mental health/sensory, and this is going to sound ridiculous, i have seen/heard of people who dislike cooking, picking out what to eat, etc. So there are companies that make a kind of kibble (yes, like dog food) for humans, especially for people who struggle with these things and want to eat purely for practical reasons! Maybe worth googling if this is what she’s struggling with!
Some people live to eat and other eat to live. Does her doctor have an concerns?
From what you’re describing this can be an eating disorder
because excessive exercising (3 hour long) with food avoidance is big red flags even with normal weight
From her prospective what she’s doing is normal and not “unhealthy”
She needs medical help.
This can be a big issue for the both of you as it’s hard to manage ED and she would need your support a LOT.
It would be draining to help and i wish you both the best
Also I started managing my ED with the help of chatGPT but I got medical help after as it’s NOT the healthiest way by a long shot but it did give me some excellent advices and tips to improve, so I know it’s not really the best thing but it might actually help with the first steps.
Ask her what and where eating would be “fun.” Find out what she likes. Instead of forcing her, try to make it fun for her. It really does sound like she needs to see a doctor. Your primary care doctor may refer her to a psychiatric doctor. Enlist families to help you to help her. Ask her parents and find out what they did. Since she doesn’t eat, maybe include multivitamins and nutritional supplement drinks. Maybe go as far as baby food(?) Not sure if that would be helpful or not. Check with a doctor to find out for sure! Or maybe you can talk to your doctor and let them know how concerned you are about your wife. Good luck with this!✌️
Has she lost a lot of weight recently?
Anorexic? How does she look? Gaunt? Sounds like she needs a medical evaluation.
This is absolutely eating disorder territory. Other options are depression (I absolutely hated eating and felt the same as your wife when I was depressed, it was a chore to eat and I hated it. Now I’m well, I love eating again). Or a sensory issue. It could be related to trauma, a control issue or autism related.
It is 100% not normal either way. Is she very skinny?
NTA for caring about her. She likely has an eating disorder like bulimia. She needs to be seen by a doctor and get treatment to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with food.
Just in case no one else has pointed this out, anorexia comes in all shapes and sizes. Just because a person isn’t skin and bones doesn’t mean they don’t have it. Also eating disorders, as far as I’m aware, usually stem from a desire to control something in life. Life tends toward chaos, so controlling the consumption of food can be a surrogate for some other area of life which seems overwhelming. I could be way off base, I’m just giving my perspective.
Your wife likely has an ED of some kind.
Restrictive and resistant to eat.
Total eating disorder, she says those things to pretend she feels that way. You can’t help her; only a professional can. Warning: eating disorders are tied to deep emotional stuff and she has a serious fucking issue. I’ve seen it up close
Look into ARFID
Three hours a day on a treadmill + hiding food = eating disorder.
Sounds like ARFID – it’s an eating disorder that’s not tied to self image. One of the sub types is disinterest in food. There are some good nutrition tips in r/ARFID
Many people find a meal replacement drink they like (or five cause when you have one thing too much it’s 🤢) to prevent malnutrition. The goal would be to make sure she is getting nutrients, but probably won’t be through meals and food – think snacks and drinks.
She can also talk to her PCP about it and possibly get a referral to a nutritionist who has experience with ARFID (important cause others will just tell her to eat).
The 140# honestly means nothing without other information. Some women can be obese at 140 and others can be malnourished. Plus skinny DOES NOT equal healthy.
You described exactly, almost word for word, my relationship with food when I had an eating disorder. And her reaction, was exactly mine as well… How can I be anorexic if my goal is not to loose weight or I clearly don’t have a problem, since my weight is still X amount.
I’m certainly not a mental health specialist, all I can tell you is based on my personal experience and nothing else.
The day I accepted help was the day I fainted in the subway in the middle of a crowd of people. A nice lady helped me and gave me a juice box. I was lucky. By that time though, I had lost a lot of weight, even if that’s not what I was trying to do.
One thing I remember in therapy (it was a while ago) is what the psychologist told me: Anorexia has nothing to do with wanting to loose weight and everything to do with control. People who fall into that mental trap are usually people who feel like they have lost control of their life. The only thing you feel you can control is your food intake. So her perception of what an eating disorder is, is the wrong one.
As to what to do, I would suggest to talk to a therapist yourself. They can help you find ways to communicate with your wife and they can help you feel less helpless in this kind of situation. I have no idea if “forcing” your wife to eat is what you should or shouldn’t do. I’d really talk to a specialist that could guide you.
NAH
Highly likely an ED or some psychological aversion to food. Not normal.
I say this as someone who forgets to eat the entire day (coffee and go), but when I get home I eat a big supper and healthy snacks/fruits. By that time I reallize how hungry I am.
So, if she doesn’t even feel like eating at the end of the day, there is something more going on here.
This is anorexia. She could die from this.
I can partially relate to your wife. You’re NTA though, just be persistent and dont get mean or angry with her.
I’m have adhd. a common symptom of adhd is that you just dont get hunger cues the way everyone else does. You are either not hungry or starving. Also, being a woman means theres a high chance she has a bad relationship with food to begin with. Hiding food she didnt eat in the garbage is a bad sign that her relationship with food has deteriorated into concerning levels, she should speak with a mental health professional about sorting that out. For me, eating three meals a day is very difficult unless im on a routine (which is hard to maintain bc of adhd) or im put in social situations where it is expected. If im by myself, its very likely i forget to eat (and drink) all day. also with adhd, the effort of making the choice of what to eat and then preparing it is just not something you always have the spoons for.
also important to note that weight isnt a reliable indicator of health. her being a “healthy weight” doesnt mean she is healthy. not eating regularly puts a strain on your body and most likely means she isnt getting the required macros or micronutrients her body needs.
My recommendation to OP is that you encourage her to see a mental health professional that specializes in eating disorders and adhd. as for everyday encouragement, focus on saying how it would make you happy if she ate, or that you want her to stay healthy to have a long life together. those are the two strategies my partner uses on me, and they’re pretty effective. im more likely to eat if it makes my partner happy than if its up to caring about myself. hang in there, OP.
Until you added the treadmill, you could be describing what happened to me. It took 7 years but finally got a correct diagnosis. I still can barely eat, and I just don’t experience hunger. However, I still TRIED to eat. I love to cook and bake AND I used to love to eat, now it’s just a job.
To be safe, ask her to at least see her gp with you so that you can also voice your concerns, then you can leave the room and let the visit go on without you. But please try and talk her into getting a complete checkup.
Do she have any health issues? If she’s 140lbs, even if she’s a very tall woman, that’s not a starvation weight. The fact that she’s hiding food is worrisome, as well as the three hours on the treadmill! it could just be that she’s sick of you giving her grief about it so she feigns eating to get you off her back. It’s possible that she just kind of grazes throughout the day to stave off hunger pangs, has a nibble here and there and that’s enough for her. I would feel a bit concerned about her long-term wellbeing if she isn’t getting the nutrients she needs.
There are some people who are just really not that into food, it doesn’t mean she has an eating disorder, though she might. It’s hard to say. I’d suggest backing off about it for a while and see what happens. You can’t force her to eat, you can’t force her to go to the doctor or see a therapist. Maybe if the external pressure to eat is removed, she will feel more at ease and you might have the opportunity to express your love and concern for her. But if she feels surveilled or pressured, it’s understandable that she will react badly. So you’re a little bit of an asshole for “forcing” her to eat, even though I understand you’re doing it out of concern for her.
She has a disordered way of eating and exercising. Women’s bodies can hold onto weight for lots of reasons so her being 140lbs doesn’t mean there isn’t an issue. Running 3hrs a day AND eating very little is cause for concern, that amount of exercise she should be hungry. Look into support groups for yourself and/or even into intervention. Don’t force her to eat.
This sounds very much like my sister.
A family member once made an offhand comment to her: “You keep eating like that, you’re gonna get fat.”
I don’t think the commenter meant actual harm. But combine that with ridiculous beauty standards for women and general misogyny, and the comment was pretty destructive.
My sister would not eat in front of most other people. She did eat – I was one of the few she’d eat with or in front of. She was physically healthy, strong, into martial arts, built like the proverbial brick shithouse. But most people never saw her eat more than a breadstick she’d nibble on. It took her a couple of years to be able to eat in front of her own husband.
Eventually she worked through it, without anybody getting on her case about it.
Soft YTA if you’re forcing it. 140# is healthy, provided she’s not 6’5″. Let her know you love her and care about her health and happiness. Be a person she knows she can trust.
Been this way my whole life. Most of the time I have to psyche myself up to eat and the decision of what I’m going to eat is a chore. My mind, mouth and stomach rarely agree. Occasionally, I’m really hungry and usually it’s something specific from a restaurant and I’ll eat the whole thing. Otherwise, I keep easy things on hand and sometimes it’s just a bite or two. Applesauce, Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, veggies/salad, eggs, tuna, bread, cereal, cheese, chips, hummus. I’ll happily sit through any meal, will I eat all of it, probably not. Also, hate leftovers or anything close to the expiration date. Cooking meat smell also bothers me. Am I on the spectrum, probably. Best of luck and just make it easier for her to eat, not force her to eat.
How long has she not been eating. How is she maintaining her weight?
A word of advice: do not have children until this is resolved. It would be a strain on her body and deplete minerals etc that she is low on, plus children very quickly catch on and mimic their parents behaviour.
Unless she’s really tall, if she’s really 140 lbs, she’s eating something, even if you’re not seeing it!
NAH. She needs to see a doctor and psych. Forcing her to eat solves the nutrition problem, not the mental illness. If she refuses to see a doctor, there’s not much you can do besides call an ambulance the next time she passes out. Or you can leave the relationship.
She could have a motility issue. Still would require her to go to the doctor. My partner is never hungry, only drinks nutrition shakes some days, and hasn’t lost a ton of weight. He’s also nauseous most of the day but he never feels hungry. Mostly he eats because I make dinner. He has gastroparesis which is slow GI motility. It slowly progressed until he had a medical emergency and it went from never hungry but loves food to always nauseous.
I have to eat and stay hydrated consistently or I get dizzy quickly. We’re all different but if it is anything serious then forcing her to eat is detrimental to her mental health. So I would suggest couples therapy so you can get outside help for her or bring her along to your doctor’s appointment.
Don’t force her to eat. That goes nowhere. You can make going to a doctor a condition of continuing your marriage, or not notifying someone she wouldn’t want told – something along those lines.
You need therapy. She does, too, but you can’t force that. You need to be educated in eating disorders, and how not to enable, and stuff like that. When it gets worse, and it will, you’ll need someone to talk to.
This definitely needs professional attention. You are right to be concerned.
when I was growing up I was a very adventurous eater. In 2022, I caught Covid, and lost my sense of smell. All I can taste is bitter, sweet and salt. Forcing me to eat, is not the solution. I do get monthly vitamin IVs, because I am not eating as much.
From experience: This sounds like an eating disorder.
You need to sit down with her, gently and compassionately, to talk about it. It’s not healthy for her to not eat anything while still pushing her body until she sometimes nearly faints. She doesn’t have enough fuel and her body will suffer long term from it.
Forcing her to eat isn’t going to work. You need to talk to her about getting in with a specialized therapist. She needs a professional to help build a toolbox to handle her aversion to food. You’ll need to be open and ready to support her through that — and be ready to adjust your eating habits to whatever she needs. It’s going to take time and it’s going to be hard but y’all can get through this.
Bring her to the hospital your wife is anemic
This sounds like ARFID and/or ADHD, potentially with an image disorder to boot. I have ADHD and either forget to eat, or will just keep putting it off for whatever my spicy brain had planned to do first. I get dizzy and nauseous. It’s not intentional and I have to force myself to eat at normal food times, otherwise I might only get 1-2 meals in a day.
She needs to see food not as food per se but as a fuel for her brain to function properly and to not have her body breakdown at 45 because her bones will give up and not have any muscle left.
A lot of people are focused on weight. Whether she is 140lbs or more or less at this point is irrelevant.
She’s exercising three hours a day.
Picking at food.
Hiding leftovers.
She has a disordered relationship with food. That’s a mental health issue. She needs to address it.
I would try to find a helpline you can contact for the best way to help her. You don’t want her more vigilant. This is extreme behaviour and she needs treatment.
She definitely has an eating disorder.
Your wife sounds exactly like me.
I have Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, or ARFID.
It’s an eating disorder not triggered by body image issues. Instead, the lack of desire to ingest food is caused by a combination of low appetite, sensory issues triggered by the texture, flavor, and smell of the food, as well as general executive dysfunction.
I was taking olanzapine to help with my ARFID-related psychosis but they changed it to buspirone, which doesn’t seem to be helping much more, unfortunately. I also see a nutritionist and a dietitian, along with a talk therapist specifically for ARFID (in addition to my regular psychiatrist for my GAD/PTSD/OCD/Bipolar II). Unfortunately, I also have gastro paresis and I’ve been extremely ill for a while now, and my weight has drastically dropped and my labs show I am clinically malnourished.
But my main point is that what your wife is dealing with is not normal, and it’s not okay. But there is help out there for people like us. Please encourage her to get that help before her health is irrevocably damaged! Good luck to you both (and feel free to DM, either one of you, or anyone else who feels this way about food and hunger! I will do my best to assist any way I can!)!
This sounds like an eating disorder which is usually caused by underlying obsessive compulsive anxiety. Nagging her will only make it worse. Seek medical attention, even if alone. Let the medical community determine what you should do. NAH.
This enrages me, b/c my husband similarly sticks his nose in my food/eating habits. She’s a grown up, unless she has dissolved down to skin and bones or you’ve caught her throwing up you should mind your business. And if she has undiagnosed issues it could even cause her to cut her eating out of stubbornness/the desire to not be controlled. Exercising daily isn’t a problem, not gorging herself 3 times a day also isn’t a problem. Yes YTA
Honestly, when I was younger, I couldn’t have cared less if I ate or not. In my twenties, I had a terrible time maintaining weight. I’m 5’8″ and couldn’t reach 120 lbs. In my early thirties, I got to and maintained 120. I never felt bad. I always had tons of energy.
As long as your GF doesn’t look sickly or feel bad, I would leave it alone. It wasn’t until, what, the late sixties that the powers that be decided we needed the food pyramid. Before that, most people only ate once a day.
I have an eating disorder and will often say I’m full or not hungry to avoid having to eat. It’s a very common excuse I think. That paired with the amount of exercise your wife is doing makes me feel pretty certain she has some issues tied to eating and body image.
It can be really difficult to treat. I would suggest sitting her down and trying to have a conversation with her not at meal times. Tell her you’re worried about her and why. Try to avoid focussing on her appearance or weight but frame it around her health and energy. Ask her if she would consider going to therapy with you or if she would like help finding a therapist. Plant the seed but don’t be pushy. It’s up to her to get help and I truly don’t think you can be pushed into it. It might even be worth going to talk to a psychologist that specialises in ED to see if they have any advice on ways you can support her.
Updateme
This is 100% an eating disorder. Her treadmill time is a form of purging, along with starving herself. Part of an ED is insisting nothing is wrong. I’m currently watching an acquaintance slowly kill herself because she has her husband convinced the doctors he’s taken her to say she’s fine… but she doesn’t let him come in the exam room or speak to any of them, and her skin is yellow and hanging off her bones. Even at 140 lbs, your wife is probably harming her organs with her habits. Please intervene. For some reason, doctors are often hesitant to believe family over their patient, despite knowing that people with an ED almost always lie, so please keep trying. Good luck, OP.
Maybe just that is a clue. I agree that a Medical checkup might help find out why. When the immune system goes wacky whether from external sources or internal best to rule out medical issues versus behavioral. ❣️
ARFID? maybe there’s a underlying health issue ruining her appetite
As someone who used to have an active ED there are a few things that raise concerns about your wife’s behavior, because I used to do the same things off and on for like six years, but I’m not qualified to make any sort of diagnosis.
While I think you’re completely right to be concerned about her there isn’t anything you can truly do because at the end of the day she’s an adult and if she doesn’t want to work on addressing the root cause(s) and repairing her relationship with food you can’t force her. I had people try to help me with my problem before I was ready and all that did was piss me off and cause me to step back from them. The only reason I recognized that I really needed help and to stop was because I was risking other people’s safety because I started blacking out while doing things, I was a coxswain and I was blacking out while on the water.
There’s probably resources and forums online that would be better suited to provide you with the tools to best help your wife before she’s ready to get the help she needs. But there’s truly nothing you can do before she’s ready to accept the help, maybe except for being the one to make dinner because you could make the meal super high in protein and with the other food groups so at least the one meal she’s having is nutritional.
I wish you the best on best supporting your wife and I hope one day your wife gets the help you need.
Could be an eating disorder like anorexia, could be something like AFRID.
I know it’s really hard for me to eat some days because of food aversions, and I get the “feeding myself every day is exhausting” thing. There have been a few times where I’ve been SO HUNGRY with a plate of food in front of me, and even taking even one bite makes me want to hurl. Like I’ve been crying over a plate because I want to eat, but I physically can’t force it down.
I would suggest getting some easy food on hand, that takes like zero effort and is stuff she likes. At this point the focus is calories, don’t worry so much about nutrition. So smoothies, Fairlife protein drinks, Ensure (if she hates protein shakes like I do, MyProtein makes a clear whey isolate that’s more juice consistency) liquid calories are going to be clutch. Ice cream, peanut butter, seriously whatever foods she really likes that are as calorie dense as possible.
There could be many reasons for this, but she really should be going to a doctor.
You’re not her dad, you can’t force her to eat. She has a serious eating disorder that needs significant mental health intervention. This kills people, take it seriously.
She needs to see a doctor, and possibly seek therapy.
INFO – Has she ever been insecure about her weight or body in the past? Has she mentioned wanting to lose weight? Can you see her ribs?
A few comments here to add –
This screams eating disorder. She needs help.
I’m going to come at this as someone who lives with an addict and who is a member of AlAnon. I think it goes without saying that your wife has an eating disorder. If we think of that as a kind of addiction (addiction to a behaviour or to a lack of substance rather than addiction to a substance) we can apply the same “rules” or advice given to people who live with alcoholics or others in active addiction: You didn’t cause it, you can’t change it, and you can’t cure it. SHE has to want to get help. Even if you force her into an in-patient program for eating disorders, she may well not get better for real unless and until she truly wants to. (If ever you plan to have a family, that can be something that might make her want to. But basically she has to accept there’s a problem and want to make the effort to find the root cause and fix it.)
That does not mean you need to watch her waste away. Look into high protein/low calorie foods (chia seeds, silken tofu) you can incorporate into things like soups and smoothies. A person CAN get all the nutrition they need from only 1 meal, in a pinch. I recommend you put your focus on finding things she does like and trying to boost the nutritional content of those. There are also drinks and things made for people who have a hard time eating food (cancer patients in treatment, AIDS patients etc) like the protein drink named “Boost”. Maybe if you know she’s getting vitamins, minerals and protein from sources like those, it might be a but less of a worry for you, and if it’s just 1 glass of whatever or a small bowl of soup, it might be easier for her to ingest.
Best of luck. Not an easy situation.
Ooof this is sad. She definitely has an ED. And the ED works very hard to protect itself. She will be very defensive and it probably will get worse. This is the “in sickness” part of your vows. I would look for professional advice on how to help a loved one with an eating disorder.
It’s a real issue but handling this way won’t help. From the mental health perspective, there is an aspect of ‘having control’ to tame anxiety and if you try to control that it will only get worse.
Eating and body image disorders are similar to addictions. Walking into a room of addicts and saying, “I told you- stop smoking crack!” has worked never.
Or she has cancer.
You’re correct this is an issue. You’re incorrect that parenting your wife is a solution.
I had basically this exact behavior and I had an eating disorder. She is going to be mad but she needs your help. I was furious when my parents forced me to seek help but after starting to eat normally again it felt much better and the disordered thinking faded away slowly. You are absolutely NTA.
Sounds like she needs some therapy.
Edit: doctor*
This definitely screams eating disorder. But first, is there something medical going on? Is she nauseous? Finds it difficult to eat? Could be a sign of something else. I’d address that first and if medically she’s okay, I’d get into counseling together. It’s something you will want to be delicate around and likely a third party will have to recognize the behavior as “off” for her to even pay mind. I wish you both the best.
I really enjoyed reading how much you love and care about her in this. It’s not overt, it’s in your small details and great care/concern for her wellbeing
Sounds like eating disorder; she needs to be evaluated by a professional. You can’t handle this by yourself. Don’t be in denial; get her help before it’s too late.
NTA. A don’t have a eating disorder make a major and chronic gi issues. Most days I could go until 3pm before I eat something. Before I had surgery I didn’t want to eat because I knew pain and throwing up was coming. I am a little better now but still force myself to eat a little something every couple of hours. Does she possibly have a medical issue? This behavior is defn not normal.
no point in forcing it. if it starts to affect her health she needs to see a specialist
I’m a recovering anorexic with an exercise addiction and your wife sounds just like me.
You’re very much NTA and your wife really needs help. And unfortunately, short of actually taking her to the hospital because she passes out, it can be impossible to force someone to accept that they need help.
There are support resources for family and loved ones of people with eating disorders. That could be useful for you. And perhaps the experience people going through what both of you are can shed some light on good ways to help her be willing to get the help and treatment she needs.
Good luck to both of you. Anorexia is hell on the person experiencing it and the people who love them. Recovery is not easy. But it is possible. (And for me, recovery is not something that happens and is done. It is something I have to make a conscious effort to continue every day. Relapse is always just around the corner. It’s a hard hard thing.).
Welp. You’re in for a long road I’m afraid. This is most definitely disordered eating or a mental health concern. How is her relationship with her mother? Just curious if her mother is also very slim and could be adding to the situation.
At 28 she’s probably getting anxious about the “big 30” when we as women are told our metabolism slows down.
Is this a new thing that’s started? How long do you feel like this has been going on for?
I’m sorry this is really stressing you out. I would recommend researching some books on the mental health of women and eating disorders. Because, and I know it hurts to hear, there is not a whole lot you can do for her. You calling her out and calling attention to what you’re seeing is only going to make her hide it more.
I would recommend couples counseling because she is going to turn down individual counseling for sure. It might be able to just get her started on the right path. Bring this up in a non-food related way. Like that you want to work on communication or getting ready for next steps in your life (house, kids, new dog, new job.. whatever)
Next I would just start logging this in a journal for yourself. Because she’s going to make you question yourself and your judgement and you need to write down the facts.
I would stop bringing up her habits and I would stop commenting on her body. Even if it’s positive. Positive reinforcement might make her continue to engage in the dangerous behaviors. If you comment on it a lot: slowly ween yourself off so it doesn’t feel abrupt.
Maybe you can lead by example with getting in to see the doctor. Go and get some blood work done. If you have high cholesterol like the rest of us you might be able to convince her to get some blood work done and get an idea if there’s a problem. Sorry to then also say blood work will not tell you much. Her body needs to be in a starvation state for at least a year for the inflammatory markers to show up in blood work. She may come back and only have like mildly elevated liver enzymes. But no other issues and the doctors will brush it off.
If she does choose to go to the doctor. What you may be able to do is call the office and put a note on the file that you’re concerned about disordered eating and for them to evaluate for that. Because she’s going to go in there and act perfect and throw no red flags. Unfortunately this is the issue with mental health care.
Finally, because I could go on for days, is she on medication that is suppressing her appetite? Or is she on a GLP-1? Even if it’s below the table? If this is all new behavior that could also be the problem. But her compulsively walking on the treadmill is a huge red flag to me.
Your wife has a psychiatric/eating disorder and needs intervention ASAP
Is she underweight or suffering any conditions? Plenty of people just eat once a day. My partner typically does that, has no ill health effects from it at all. She probably eats earlier in the day. Not everyone’s hunger drive has them needing to eat 3 times a day. I usually eat like 4 meals a day. Everyone is different.
YWBTA if you do this unless there’s an actual reason to be concerned with her health.
It sounds like she really needs some help, this meets criteria for an eating disorder.
It sounds like she has an earring disorder. She would benefit from professional help.
Sounds like anorexia to me. She needs to go to therapy asap.
It sounds similar to ARFID – it’s a pretty severe eating disorder that is rooted in food sensitivity, consequential fear of eating (choking, vomiting, etc) and trauma. She needs to see someone to help her work through this. It sounds way more like an actual aversion to food rather than a desire to be a certain weight. Sorry she’s going through this.
She clearly has an eating disorder. Like most psychological issues, she will protect the problem unless and until she personally wants to change it. And, like most psychological issues, that kind of decision may not come easily.
Do you have others in your lives who you could talk to about this? If she’s hearing concerns from MANY sources, it is more likely to have influence than if she’s arguing with her husband but getting compliments from others about how she looks.
Hi OP:
I’m being vulnerable when I say this so people try to be kind. I’ve never admitted to having an ED, but I’m not stupid. I know I have some kind of issue surrounding eating/ morphed view on it. I’m not proud of it and know better.
Your wife sounds similar to me, even around the same age I’m 30. She knows what she is doing and is doing it both consciously and subconsciously. I can’t tell you why she is doing it, everyone has their own “issue”/ reason for starting this vicious cycle. Personally for me, mine started with my depression. It gave me no desire to eat, food had no taste, appetite or take care of myself in general. Once I got my depression kind of under control, I still deal with it, it was kind of like my food issue was now “set in stone”. I put quotes around it because of course it’s not, I’m the one still making it like that.
You’re NTA for “forcing” her to eat but it’s not going to work. She on her own needs to make the choice and decision that SHE WANTS to change and help herself. I know that’s really upsetting and painful to hear, but it’s the truth.
The more you push, the more you ” force” …. The more secretive and hard she is going to work to hide the food from you , skip even more meals/ the small snacks she is actually eating, or run four hours instead of three.
I’m not saying you should pretend like nothing is happening or say absolutely nothing, that would be neglectful and uncaring. It’s a hard spot understand…I mean my boyfriend would definitely understand what you are going through. He definitely knows I have some kind of disordered eating and struggles with it and tries his damn best to be helpful and supportive without being overbearing and pushy. He’s amazing at it and I love him dearly for it. But I know at the beginning I was snarky and defensive about his subtle ways of trying to help.
Some ways subtle ways he helps:
I know some people will think he’s babying me or going above and beyond but he’s not. He literally just does it out of the kindness of his heart, and isn’t annoyed in any way shape or form. He has helped me improve slowly but surely. And like I said I’m aware I have a problem and am not proud.
OP I wish your wife the best and hope you and her can figure out some solutions. I praise you for being proactive.
I’m so sorry this is eating disorder please don’t wait she needs help
is she on any medications? I take a medication that has basically destroyed my appetite and I literally have to like, set a schedule daily where I remember to eat because I just do not feel hunger anymore. It doesn’t help that I’m autistic and already have ARFID due to sensory issues so making myself eat foods outside of what is comfy for my sensory concerns also is extremely difficult. the medication I’m on is otherwise life-saving so the side effects are worth the benefits imo.
that being said. if she has a traditional ED though, as many here are suggesting, there is unfortunately very little you can do to force her to do anything. it is very similar to an addiction in that those who suffer from it have to want to get better on their own, and no amount of pushing is going to give her that lightbulb moment. she has to want it for herself.
No, you shouldn’t keep ‘forcing’ her to eat, you need to get her some medical attention. This is way out of your depth to handle. Professionals need to handle this.
As someone who did this, she doesn’t see how bad this is yet. She may truly believe it’s not an ED, a lot of people think that if you’re not throwing up it can’t be. I recommend a therapist, if she doesn’t want to do that you may have to take the extreme way. Which truthfully idk if I actually recommend, but I know this is what worked for me to finally understand. She has to learn herself. Don’t push her to eat, let it happen, eventually she’ll pass out and you can rush her to an ER. She’ll try to stop you from taking her but it’ll be the harsh reality check she needs. But do not do this unless you can be with her, it’s definitely not a safe thing to do.
She does have an eating disorder and she knows. Do you have kids? Are you planning to? Cause her body will not be able to handle a pregnancy if that’s something you two want. And kids pick up on our habits, surely she wouldn’t want others to inherit her trauma. Cause that’s what it is. Me and my siblings joke around about how my mom is “sooo full” after eating a handful of grapes. We see it now that we are adults, but I do see myself struggling with eating big portions and I’m working on it. It’s not a switch you turn on and off, she needs psychological help too. Hope you can find a way for her to care about herself, cause it sounds like she doesn’t right now. NTA maybe there are gentler ways, but I get your worry