I recently had a surgery that is kind of embarrassing. I made it clear to my wife that didn’t want her to tell anyone. Her mother can’t keep her mouth shut so I definitely don’t want her mother knowing.
Yesterday, I found out my mother in law knows everything. My wife told her. Her justification was that she doesn’t want to lie. I know that’s BS because she lies to her grandpa all the time. That’s another story but still.
She said her mother asked. She said she didn’t volunteer the information. But she even told me in the beginning before I had the surgery that she would tell her mother if asked.
That really pissed me off. My health is my business only. Also, I’d prefer people not know I had the money do it because what I had done was quite expensive.
Also, I need to add that this isn’t the first time my wife has done this. She has told people in the past about my health despite me repeating myself hundreds of times to not say anything.
Edit: I appreciate all the support. My wife has no problem with lying when it’s to other people like her grandpa. For example, her grandpa’s garbage was ripped into by a bear and it made a huge mess. She knew about it but she lied and said she never saw it. Clearly she is okay with lying.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. This is a hill I would die on, your spouse doesn’t share your personal information with anyone, ever!
NTA. Your wife isnt on your side. Why did you marry someone like this?
Nta your wife shouldn’t be telling going around people your medical information in general but, doing so after you explicitly told her not to is extra shitty.
No longer share private information with your wife.
NTA, you’re entitled to your privacy, end of. She doesn’t need to know, she doesn’t deserve to know and if you don’t want her to know, then she doesn’t get to know. Your wife needs to respect that and apologise.
“My husband asked me to keep that information private.” Isn’t a lie, and it isn’t hard to say. NTA
What do we mean by “freaking out”?
Did you scream, or throw a plate of delicious spaghetti?
NTA. She breached you trust. The “justification” that she didn’t want to lie is BS. If asked, she should have just said, “It’s not my place to say.” and left it at that.
Kind of TA. I get you want your privacy, but you must know your wife and her mom probably chat about everything – including their favorite subject – you! I feel you need to cut your wife some slack here, she was probably overly concerned and needed to talk it out.
NTA, but time for a better quality wife.
Crossed a line. Wife loyalty should be with husband and vice versa.
Al she has done down is blurred this line and proven that she cannot be trusted
NTA. She doesn’t have to lie. All she had to do was say it was none of her business. If your mother in law found out you had surgery and asked about it your wife should have simply said “It was a personal matter but not serious and surgery went well”
NTA, you can inform her that since she can’t keep her mouth shut, that you are not going to feed her any information henceforth and only operate on a need to know basis and that you will inform of all her lies to her grandfather.
If she protests, say “The truth shall set you free…..”
NTA.
Generally, if someone can’t be trusted to keep private information private, then they no longer get to know my private information.
How that works with a spouse, I don’t know.
“I don’t want to lie” is BS, because “That’s <husband>’s private information that he is choosing not to share” is 100% honest. But you already know that. I’m sorry your spouse doesn’t respect you, I wish you the best figuring this out.
You got penile enlargement?
Your home, your family, your spouse should be a safe haven. You shouldn’t have to hide medical info from your toxic spouse to keep it from being broadcasted across the state. She broke your trust and put gossip ahead of your marriage.
NTA she didn’t have to lie. She could have simply told her mother she’s not telling her anything because it’s her husband’s private business. This isn’t about lying this is about her choosing her mother over you.
what… what was the medical procedure? are we talking cosmetic? or some kind of health thing. you said it was expensive and you don’t want people knowing you have that kind of money. that seems like it is an elective surgery?? vs a necessary one?? why be self conscious about the money aspect of a necessary surgery?
YTA – Dude this is life and women. Plus your trying to control her. You need to accept this as part of your reality or leave because it won’t end, ever, Its not a big deal anyways. Their family, sometimes they know things others don’t. Honestly dude is this really the hill you want to die on. Learn to live with it and make fun of it.
Colonoscopies are not something to be embarrassed by. Very important to get them done after 50.
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NTA. Has your wife not ever heard the phrase ‘that is private?’
A few more suggestions:
If he wants you to know he will tell you
That is none of your business
It was a medical procedure and that’s all I’m saying
Ask him
NTA. My mom would also talk about my cancer and how proud she was of me…to complete strangers. In retaliation I started to respond with “It’s only because you and dad are cousins.” That stopped her running her mouth, so I definitely recommend this approach
NTA. This is one thing that you don’t even tell the “person you tell everything.” Medical stuff should be private. You have the right to be angry.
NTA, your wife is prioritizing blabbing to her mom over respecting and supporting you.
NTA she broke a boundary. That is messed up. You told her specifically not to tell anyone and she still did. She is 100% in the wrong. Now what do with that is the question. Do you start lying to her?
Nta but why are you with such a woman? Id go and tell others her deepest insecurities if she has them to make a point. You cant trust her
NTA. But your wife loves dishing out gossip and needs that rush more than she wants to protect your privacy.
NTA
This is a breach of privacy and trust. She has no respect for you. You have to decide what to do with that information.
Her mother asked her about a personal surgery she shouldn’t have known anything about?
Your wife’s pretty comfortable lying to you. She doesn’t respect you. That’s not going to change. You just have to decide how much disrespect you can live with
She could have said he is fine, nothing to worry about.
It’s not my information to give. Something besides opening her yap to her mom
NTA, but your wife is. I’d feel betrayed, too. Sorry she doesn’t respect your boundaries. Pretty sure she’d be pissed if you did the same to her.
NTA. Sounds like she no longer gets to have information about you medically. If she gets mad about that, point out that you specifically told her it was no one’s business, yet she was perfectly happy to share it around, so no more info for her
NTA
Your wife is not your partner.
NTA but your wife is trash. She will never respect your boundaries.
Nta any breach of trust is not your fault and this is a big one
NTA, unless the surgery was something life-threatening and your wife was turning to her mother for support in the moment, which would be about the only thing that might slide this into something a tiny bit more sympathetic. I don’t get that sense from this though. Shy of that, you’re entitled to absolute privacy.
NTA but are you sure you want to stay married with her? She’s breached your trust multiple times. I would not want to share anything with her if she just goes and tells other people. And not being to trust your own wife is not good in a marriage.
YTA.
I mean she told you that she would not respect your privacy, and you knew she would tell her mother before you even told her the information.
You’re wife kept her shitty word, and you fell for it.
You say the MIL asked so it sounds like you did something pretty obvious. If so, it’s pretty crappy to put your wife in the awkward position of having to lie or deflect to the people around her when they can clearly tell that something is different. I mean she still should’ve respected your wishes and told them to ask you instead, but you doing something obvious and trying to hide it puts it into more of an ESH for me.
Nta however….the phrase ‘fool me once’ comes to mind. She did this before. Why did you tell her anything? At some point your going to have to decide if its worthwhile being with someone who you can not trust with your private info….
Well, now you know. You are married to an individual who DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. I cannot make it any clearer than that.
Well your wife sucks. NTA I guess but you’re kind of an AH to yourself for putting up with this multiple times. This woman will not change. You don’t have a MIL problem you have a wife problem. I don’t really know what to tell you other than you should probably decide if this is divorce worthy or not because if you stay with her things will be like this for the rest of your life.
Ntah. I’d stop sharing anything with her. Anything you want to keep private, I’d completely leave her in the dark on. The lapse in your communication would be entirely her own fault.
NTA
Your wife is disrespecting your wishes, therefore you. She can justify it any way she wants, but you specifically asked for something and she did the exact opposite.
Words have not worked to make your wife respect you. I suggest actions.
Ask her to move back to her mother’s while you cool down. Keep communication polite but cool and unaffectionate. Do not entertain the possibility of her returning until she is genuinely sorry.
This is about respect, and unfortunately a little about power. Your wife has no respect for you, and she doesn’t believe you have equal power in the relationship to her.
Nta
The thing is that she didn’t need to lie. She can easily tell her mom that it’s something you want private and not discussed but that you are now fine.
NTA. You said “embarrassing “ surgery so I’m guessing it’s not cancer or appendix out, it’s liposuction or nose job or hair plugs… whatever it is , you have a right to privacy and discretion. You told that to your blabbermouth wife and she betrayed you.
I don’t know where your marriage stands here but maybe you can start spreading a rumor that your wife recently had her congenital defect removed from her backside. It was a tail. And she got it removed.
“Hey, honey, my mom was wondering if she should get you towels for when you squirt on the bed during sex. She can find some deals on some extra-absorbent ones. Wait, why are you upset? You’re upset I told my mom? But I can’t lie to my mom.” Seriously, pretend to tell your mom something that your wife would find SUPER embarrassing, and then give a surprised pikachu face when she gets upset. Explain you can’t lie to your mom, and play completely dumb as to why that’s inappropriate. When she gets herself worked up, then point out that it’s the same situation, except you SPECIFICALLY asked her not to tell her mom. Explain that some things are supposed to stay between a couple, and that she betrayed your trust. Tell her that moving forward you don’t feel comfortable telling her anything because she’s just going to tell her mom. Ask her if that’s the kind of marriage she wants, one where you’re hiding things from her.
So you can’t trust your wife AT ALL. What’s step 2 in this scenario? For me, there isn’t one.
Counseling if you must, but she won’t change into someone who respects you.
Sounds like it’s time to not discuss things with the gossip in your life. I would feel betrayed and be seeking a way out without serious behavioral changes.
NTA, the wife is. Stop telling her things and trying to force her to keep it to herself – she’s clearly unable to keep any sensitive/private information to herself.
NTA. Your wife should respect your privacy.
She could have told your MIL that you aren’t comfortable with sharing private health information. That would be true and honour your privacy.
Sine she doesn’t want to lie, maybe set some truths free to grandpa, show her what its like when others tell what she doesn’t want being aired, you have tried the talking method and she didnt care. Nta.
Need more info – define freaking out? If the question is about your wife disclosing something, anything, that you’ve asked her not to, NTA. If you punched her for it, then yeah, you’d be the asshole, even if what she did was a betrayal. If you just got angry and yelled, then the NTA stands.
Now, what do you do about it? Counseling? Info diet? Expose her lies or tell her secrets so she knows what it feels like and maybe stops? Live knowing your wife absolutely can not keep her mouth shut? Find some embarrassing retort that will shut her up? I kinda love the guy who would say his cancer was due to his mom and dad being cousins whenever his mom would bring up his cancer to strangers. Petty, but hilarious and effective. Good luck, dude.
Based off the communities you’re active in, I wanna say not for this instance but if you aren’t open with your wife about what ya do on here- then yeah
NTA I recently had a surgery that was in an embarrassing spot. My spouse knew and I told him please do not tell anyone. My wishes were respected. I am close to my mom. I didn’t tell her. It’s no one’s business when it comes to medical procedures. Your wife saying she didn’t want to lie to her mom is bull sh**. Her mother has no right to know what is going on with you. She violated trust. I would tell her that you won’t confide in her any longer as she is not on your team. There are 2 people in a marriage, not moms or dads.
I would make her move out until she can respect you. And I would be petty and tell grandpa about all her lies
NTA. As a wife who’s been with her husband for 16 years, I would never break a confidence like this, especially about something so personal and private. This definitely shows where you land as a priority to your wife and it doesn’t look good.
Thanks for letting me know everyone i honestly thought it covered us with protection from anyone sharing our private medical info and do apologize for having wrong information though still a very toxic wife with no respect
NTA, how would you wife like it if you went round telling people about her medical stuff?
NTA – You made it EXTREMELY clear you don’t want her to say anything, yet she remained oblivious. You did nothing wrong here. Escalate this somehow as there is no other fix to this, and emphasize how you made it clear and how oblivious she is.
NTA and you might have to stop telling your wife any details as well. Clearly she can’t be trusted.
NTA your wife doesn’t need to lie to keep your medical information private. It’s not that hard to say she’s not going to discuss her partner’s private matters.
NTA we have literal laws about this for a very good reason!!!! you should be able to trust your partner with that information
Going forward i wouldn’t share info with your wife, she isn’t trustworthy. Guess you know the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree as they are both gossips. You might also want to make someone else your emergency contact etc. She has created this situation so she should understand the necessary changes.
Need more info. I mean the surgery: expensive likely means not covered by insurance which means cosmetic.
If it’s a penile implant. Your wife sucks.
If it’s a hair transplant: everyone will know you had work done and lying is silly.
NTA. I could only see it being somewhat understandable if she told them anyway because it was something they would have eventually noticed and would end up making an even bigger deal out of than they originally would have. Like maaaaaybe if they were going to notice it she was just trying to do damage control and keep the reaction as small as possible.
Is any reaction at all necessary? Nope. Is it appropriate for them to feel like it’s their business? Not at all. I’m not defending that part whatsoever. They need to learn some boundaries.
For example: if the surgery was a nose job because you were insecure about your nose and now you have a totally and obviously differently shaped nose… Dude, they’re gonna notice your new nose. Her telling them before they see you in person might not have been what you wanted but it might have cut down on the reaction which is the part that makes you uncomfortable. Maybe even saying it nonchalantly like, “Yeah, SO broke their nose as a kid they had a deviated septum that affected their breathing and sleep so they had a little procedure to fix it. When you see SO, don’t react or anything because it makes them uncomfortable.” Saying something like that might be in good faith because they were trying to lessen the reaction.
Alternatively, say it was something they would not have noticed: Absolutely no reason they needed to know. Like idk, maybe if your rectum was prolapsed and falling out every time you pooped. Your mother in law doesn’t need to know about your inside out butthole. 🤷♀️ NTA.
Easy responses she could have given her mom: “(spouse) prefers to keep his medical information private” or even “it’s not my place to share (spouse’s) info.” or “(spouse) is very private and prefers I don’t discuss this with anyone but him. So many ways of responding to her mother that do not break your trust and do not require her to lie. NTA
Don’t let your wife know next time you have your butthole bleached.
She doesn’t have to lie- she could have simply said “I don’t know” or even better “I’m sorry but that’s not my information to share”
NTA – obviously. But she sure is.
ESH. I’m going against the grain here, but I don’t think she is 100% an asshole. But that is based on my assumption that she must be really close with her mom. So something like her spouse having surgery would come up in daily conversation. Now if she called her to specifically tell her, that would be pretty shitty. But family is weird, especially when you’ve been together for a long time. You’re technically part of her family too. So the in-laws probably care about your wellbeing, whether you want them to or not. And no matter how hard you try, depending on how close you are emotionally or locally, the in-laws are bound to know about your goings ons.
I can probably bet on that whoever your mother-in-laws shares your info with if she is gabbing, that those people don’t care. My grandma has always been like that, just sharing the worst parts of someone’s sicknesses to whoever will listen and everyone just brushes it off and barely listens. As adults, we are all going to have medical stuff come up, even if it’s about your butthole…no one really cares enough for it to be embarrassing.
But yes, your wife should definitley be more sensitive to sharing your info if it’s that important to you. Omission is not lying. Or she could say, “he just had a procedure and it’s no big deal, he’ll feel better soon. And he doesn’t really want it shared”. Or something along those lines.
You should discuss the raceplay subreddits your in with your wife along with the current predicament
NTA. Put her on an information diet. When she asks why you don’t tell her anything, state because she is not trustworthy. Start making jokes about her big mouth to everyone. Guessing that will keep her very, very quiet. And perhaps humble her.
You have a serious problem, OP. You should be able to trust your wife. Assuming that you don’t divorce her over this, explain to her the damage she caused. Does she really want you to be guarded with her? Having to keep secrets from her to ensure that other people don’t find out?
NTA Your our medical history is your business and not for your wife to share.
So how did the penis enlarging surgery go? Asking for a friend.
COME ON MATE, you need to tell us what you had done. We don’t know you, we won’t judge.
Was it a penis thing or an up your bum thing.
NTA.. my wife tells me im “secretive” and “i dont tell her much”. Yeah, because every time i do she tells someone else. I know I’m headed towards divorce but once you break that trust it’s gone.
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Just don’t ever tell her anything you don’t want other people to know, tell her you’ll be back later , and if she asks, say ” don’t worry about it”
You can’t share medical information with her then. That info is private, what the hell is wrong with her? That’s huge….it’s trust, if you haven’t got trust, what do you have? I feel sorry for you dude. Not the AH.
It’s not only your MIL who can’t keep her mouth shut. Your wife obviously inherited that gene.
NTA and make sure your wife knows no one in this thread is on her side. She needs to protect her husband, not be the source of private information to her mom.
Good lord. Hard pass. Or soft pass:)
Honestly, based on your comment (“She’s told people my medical issues in the past. I made it very clear I didn’t want her to. She did it anyway.“), at this point YTA to yourself for fulfilling the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome). She does not respect you or your privacy. You need to decide whether you can live with that or not.
I can’t offer judgment because it depends on what the surgery was. If it involved any lengthy or obvious convalescence, then it would be impossible for your wife not to mention that you had surgery.
Was it a penis enhancement
Your wife cannot be trusted. Did you know that/realize that when you married her?
Yeah you are. She has to deal with it herself, which means she will turn to her trusted support group. Ya know the one she turns to when it’s you she’s mad at. She needs emotional support like everyone else and you owe it to her to not get your panties in a bunch when she does turn to said support.
“It’s personal.” That statement is not a lie. Your wife seems to have the same affliction as her mom, a gossip.
NTA – If you don’t have children… What wife?
NTA I’ve accidentally disclosed stuff I didn’t know not to say but she knew explicitly not to say anything and she did it anyways.
ESH. Yeah, your wife violated your boundary. It wasn’t fair of her to share your personal info with your explicit issue with disclosure.
That said, her mom asked about you, she didn’t volunteer the info, which tells me either you did or said something her mom picked up on, or your wife did or said something concerning that led to her mom asking. I also don’t think it’s very fair to ask your wife not to disclose you undergoing surgery, especially if the surgery required her being a caretaker for you, and was done with any risk level to you over 5% mortality.
I say this because as your caretaker, your wife can’t lean on you through this. And it’s your surgery, your risk, but it’s your wife who is waiting, who is worrying, is spending energy and time and emotion caring for you through your recovery, and she can’t confide in you, can’t emotionally lean on you – and when you tell her she can’t share that with family of all people, you’re isolating her emotionally through a high stress experience. I had a minor procedure that was embarrassing, and did I want it all over social media, no, but I also wasn’t upset with my partner when she talked about it to her best friend, because that’s her place to unpack her stress when she can’t with me. And I caused her stress and she couldn’t lean on me through it, so she turned to someone who loves us both and could relieve her burden.
Talk to your wife about why she felt she should talk to your MIL about your medical concerns, but also consider what position she could’ve been in if your procedure had gone wrong in anyway. Community matters, and it was your medical business, but it’s her shared experience.
your wife needs to check out her loyalties and priorities.
And learn a thing or two about privacy.
Plus she needs to tell people “mind your business” NTAH
She doesn’t need to lie. It is called “avoiding a subject”
Past relationships, current ones, medical conditions of OTHERS.
“I cannot talk about that now” does the trick.
How frustrating. I’d be so mad at my spouse if they shared info I’d specifically asked NOT to be shared. She should be ashamed of herself.
That’s your wife? 🥴
Excuse me while I rack my brain for all the embarrassing, expensive surgeries I can think of.
For real though, your wife is way out of line, but you had to have known they had a relationship like this before you got married, no?
Ugh. I’m sorry your going through this. What a breach of trust on your wife’s part. I feel like i could have written this post. It’s gotten to the point to where I don’t tell my husband what’s going on with me because he can’t not say something. I hate that he’s on an information diet but that’s where we are. Maybe try that with your wife? You are definitely NTA
Shes a gossip queen. Stop telling her things when you do it. When she asks why you didnt tell her, you tell her because you didnt have to to lie to her
Was it a tummy tuck?
My BIL had to get a hernia operation and my sister went around telling everyone he was getting a tummy tuck. He just shook his head and tolerated it.
NTA
If you wanna keep this marriage, clearly you cannot keep telling your wife about your health issues.
100% betrayal. I don’t even want people knowing I’m on an antibiotic because I don’t like inviting people to talk to me about my health. I don’t even want them knowing if I have a cavity filled. My spouse respects this. It’s not hard to just not bring it up.
NTA
NTA. Just because her mom asked about you doesn’t mean she HAD to tell her. She could have just said “OP doesn’t want to talk about it right now”. She wasn’t tortured or anything that forced her to tell the info. Your wife just doesn’t care you don’t want your MEDICAL operations out in the open for people to know.
Let me guess!!! She also telling mommy every time you have an argument. And tells people when you make a mistake. That’s not good OP. Certain things stay between spouses. And medical things are very personal. Should never be told unless the person receiving care okayed it.
NTA. Your medical info shouldn’t be shared (unless you want to share it yourself). The fact that your wife does this all the time is pretty alarming.
OP- you’re living with someone who compulsively shares…this is beyond wrong…but it’s also not something that can really change….especially if she doesn’t have a problem with it. There are all types of compulsive behaviors- sharers, gossipers, talkers, gamblers, liars, cheaters. Etc. the question is if you are a truly private person, and you value your privacy, then you are misaligned with her as a partner.
Penis enlargement ?
NTA- I am assuming it was a hair transplant and its no one’s business but yours. I will say- I assume it’s pretty noticeable and your wife knew her mother would want to know more about it
How about you start telling grandpa all your wife’s lies.
NTA. I think it’s pretty clear she’s the TA, and you probably know that, so the question is more what to do about it?
I am strongly leaning towards NTA. There is one thing that stops me. Was this a serious surgery? Was there a scare that you might not make it through? If so, then she may have needed support, but could have asked for support without disclosing the surgery. If it was a minor thing then for sure she is the AH and broke a trust.
Need more info… does your wife know the kinda subreddits you’re active in?
Don’t tell her anything any more. She’s not trustworthy.
Stop confiding in her. She is no longer on a need to know basis. This only refers to your health and medical history. “Fine.” That is the only thing she gets to know. “How was the doctor’s visit?” Fine. “What did the doctor say?” He said I’m fine.
Return the favor. Don’t keep something she wants private held inside. Gauge her reaction and act accordingly.
Nope. NTA. You should be able to trust your spouse to keep your secrets, especially intimate secrets. Shame on her for violating that trust.
But it could be worse. She could have told her mom about your reddit history. Good grief, man. You’re a perv.
What were you getting done? Getting a dildo out of your a**? Lying to her grandpa about a bear and then not telling her mom about her husbands health are really different
NTA. But you have a wife problem. She doesn’t respect you.
Mother in law: “”I’ve been noticing Harold’s bulge a lot more lately. Did he have Penis Enlargement Surgery?
Wife: “Why, yes, mom, yes he did. “
Your wife sucks NTA put her on an information diet here on out when it’s in regards to Medical.
There is not justified reason to tell your MIL other than gossip. Your wife doesn’t have your back. Hope you don’t have kids with her and can get a divorce.
NTA
It’s not like the only options were tell people or lie. She could have easily told her mum that it’s private and no one needs to know
Your wife’s correct response should have been, he had a private matter and asked me not to talk about it. Thats not lying.
Don’t tell your wife anything. She is a blabbermouth. NTA