I (51F) got a tattoo of a stack of books with a quill pen on my forearm during a girls’ trip with a friend. I didn’t tell my husband I was getting a tattoo.
My husband has a tattoo. He had one when we met that he actually didn’t tell me about at first. He told me he didn’t tell me about it at first because he worried I wouldn’t like it. I saw his tattoo a month into our relationship, and it wasn’t a big deal. We’ve been married for 20 years. At no point before I took this trip did he EVER indicate to me that he didn’t like tattoos on other people. I have a ton of friends and family members with tattoos. He’s never said a negative thing about their ink.
Before my trip, he saw me scrolling thru Pinterest looking at tattoo ideas. He asked if I was going to get one. I said “yes,” he said “okay,” and went back to watching TV. I honestly didn’t see the need to tell him a few weeks later when I scheduled the tattoo session. I thought he’d think it was cool when I got home and showed him.
I was gone for three days on the trip. He was FINE when I called him each day while I was gone. He called me while I was getting my tattoo and asked what I was doing. I said, “getting a tattoo.” He said, “you’re kidding, right?” I told him no and he hung up on me. I tried several times to call him back. He wouldn’t answer.
When I got home, he wouldn’t even look at me. He was on the other side of the bed, so I walked over and tried to hug him. He literally crawled over the bed to get away from me and told me not to come near him. He said, “tattoos on women are trashy as hell and I don’t want anything to do with you.” He didn’t speak to me for two weeks. He threatened divorce. He called my family members and went to all his friends and coworkers to tell them how trashy I was for my tattoo.
I asked him why I couldn’t do what I wanted with MY body. He told me it isn’t my body since I’m married to him. For two weeks I sat MY body by my mother’s bed side while she passed away. It was only at her death that he finally decided to speak to me, but even then it was only after he packed a bag late one night and left. I think he expected me to try and stop him. I did not. He ended up coming back and apologizing.
We are still together and he won’t mention my tattoo or even look at it. But I’d like to know – am I the a$$hole for getting the tattoo without telling him?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I (51F) got a tattoo of a stack of books with a quill pen on my forearm during a girls’ trip with a friend. I didn’t tell my husband I was getting a tattoo.
My husband has a tattoo. He had one when we met that he actually didn’t tell me about at first. He told me he didn’t tell me about it at first because he worried I wouldn’t like it. I saw his tattoo a month into our relationship, and it wasn’t a big deal. We’ve been married for 20 years. At no point before I took this trip did he EVER indicate to me that he didn’t like tattoos on other people. I have a ton of friends and family members with tattoos. He’s never said a negative thing about their ink.
Before my trip, he saw me scrolling thru Pinterest looking at tattoo ideas. He asked if I was going to get one. I said “yes,” he said “okay,” and went back to watching TV. I honestly didn’t see the need to tell him a few weeks later when I scheduled the tattoo session. I thought he’d think it was cool when I got home and showed him.
I was gone for three days on the trip. He was FINE when I called him each day while I was gone. He called me while I was getting my tattoo and asked what I was doing. I said, “getting a tattoo.” He said, “you’re kidding, right?” I told him no and he hung up on me. I tried several times to call him back. He wouldn’t answer.
When I got home, he wouldn’t even look at me. He was on the other side of the bed, so I walked over and tried to hug him. He literally crawled over the bed to get away from me and told me not to come near him. He said, “tattoos on women are trashy as hell and I don’t want anything to do with you.” He didn’t speak to me for two weeks. He threatened divorce. He called my family members and went to all his friends and coworkers to tell them how trashy I was for my tattoo.
I asked him why I couldn’t do what I wanted with MY body. He told me it isn’t my body since I’m married to him. For two weeks I sat MY body by my mother’s bed side while she passed away. It was only at her death that he finally decided to speak to me, but even then it was only after he packed a bag late one night and left. I think he expected me to try and stop him. I did not. He ended up coming back and apologizing.
We are still together and he won’t mention my tattoo or even look at it. But I’d like to know – am I the a$$hole for getting the tattoo without telling him?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I got a tattoo without telling my husband I was getting it.
2. My husband insists I’m the asshole because a tattoo makes a woman trashy and he says I should have discussed it with him before I permanently “disfigured” my body which is apparently also HIS body to make decisions about.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Um, you did tell him. He asked if you were getting one and you said yes.
He is so mean. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom.
You should reconsider if he is still the one for you.
So sorry that he was like that to you.
NTA!!!!
That comment that its not your body since your married. WTF!!
I’m not the person to say divorce but in this case? DIVORCE! Don’t spend the rest of your life with this awful man.
Edited to add: A man who doesn’t support you through a loss, makes comments about it being his body and tells people you are trashy over a tattoo is not a man you want to give your last moments in life to.
Girl… he can get f*xked. Hes an ass. He has a tattoo, he knows so many people who have tattoos and he has NEVER said anything negative to you about them. You were literally looking at designs and he didnt seem bothered.
Also the whole “you’re married to me, so its not only your body” comment?????? Absolutely not. In the bin with that man. It is YOUR body and YOUR choice what to do with it.
NTA. At all
There is no way that youre the asshole. If he is that upset about a tattoo on your forearm then you guys should probably talk about why he feels that way. Understanding how he feels will at least give you some context. I dont know the guy but maybe its for religious reasons or something like that. Either way you arent at fault for getting a tattoo on your forearm, however communicating with him and understanding him will lead to a better and healthier resolution. Saying that youre “trashy” for having a tattoo is pretty crazy. I could understand it if you had some crazy ass tattoo or something but a tattoo of a stack of books is not “trashy”. He should’ve view you any differently based on your appearance. It feels like he would have the same reaction if you got a different haircut or dyed you hair or something. My point is that his opinion of you shouldn’t change based on your physical appearance. Obviously there are extreme examples but this is not one of them. It isnt even close.
You deserve better
NTA but I’d be taking him up on that divorce.
“For two weeks I sat MY body by my mother’s bed side while she passed away. It was only at her death that he finally decided to speak to me, but even then it was only after he packed a bag late one night and left. I think he expected me to try and stop him. I did not. He ended up coming back and apologizing.”
This right here is not forgivable.
NTA You did actually tell him when he asked you the first time. As you said, your body, your choice.
NTA and you DID tell him.
he told you your body is not yours, he told you YOUR BODY BELONGS TO HIM
think about it.
you will be TA if you stay with someone who views you women this way
ESH:
NTA. Please, for your own well being, leave this man. He called you trashy to anyone who would listen. No partner who loves and respects you would ever speak about you that way. This level of control and cruelty is not love. Your marriage may already be over, and honestly, that might be the best outcome. You deserve better than this. Run, do not walk.
Send him on his way. NTA
Definitely NOT the asshole. He never mentioned any aversion to tattoos before… and even if he did you still get to decide what happens with your body.
He may disagree with it, but it’s not his decision, and he doesn’t get to try to make you feel like shit about it. It’s a very immature reaction on his part.
Everybody is going to say divorce as that’s what everybody says here, but he apologized. You two probably have some talking to do, but I don’t think that’s something to throw a 20 year marriage away for.
If it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back, fine, but if you in general have a happy relationship then work through it.
But you are definitely not the asshole.
Any man telling you that your body doesn’t belong to you because you’re married to him is a dangerous red flag. Absolutely not!
You are NTA.
He is not to be trusted.
>he saw me scrolling thru Pinterest looking at tattoo ideas. He asked if I was going to get one. I said “yes,” he said “okay,”
NTA This was his chance to voice any opinions or objections. All he said was “okay” — this negates any other potential issues. He could have asked if you were serious, etc, etc, and you could have hashed it out. He didn’t. He let it go and left things at what seemed a verbal indication of acceptance or not caring. That’s on him.
I do think you should have called and told him when you definitely decided to do it, not because you need his permission or he has any right to decide for you, but because you are spouses and his opinion should be factored in to your decision. (It still being your decision.) That said, the issue had already come up and he had made it seem like he didn’t have an issue, so he can’t act as if this was something out of the blue and suddenly voice a strong opinion about it. He missed that chance by giving the exact opposite impression of how he apparently really feels.
What’s the deal with all these people blabbing to their family and friends about marriage stuff? Seems a lot of Reddit posts have this happening
NTA. But-holy shit he’s an AH. He abandoned while your mom was dying? I hope this is rage bait because this is so foul. Contact a lawyer and divorce this emotionally abusive loser. I’m sorry for your loss and lack of support.
Updateme
I’m sure he has no problem socializing with women with tattoos outside of you
I think there’s a bigger problem here…..
The hell? Never too late to have an ex husband. NTA
He doesn’t own your body but making irreversible modifications to your body while married and not discussing it first is an asshole move.
I don’t know why he said “okay” when you said “yes” when he saw you scrolling tattoos on pinterest but beyond that, it should have been discussed. His tattoo is immaterial as it was pre-existing.
I know someone who also has tattoos who’s wife came home from a girls trip recently with a new tattoo and he was also pissed. Not that she got it, but that she did it while away without telling him anything about it.
He said the tattoos he got when they dated and after they got married, he always discussed with her ahead of time and told her the design and all that and she was supportive. But then she out of the blue comes home with a large tattoo while on a girls trip without discussing anything about it.
Doing it on a girls trip felt to him like she bent to peer pressure.
It’s not controlling it’s respectful when you are in a committed long term relationship!
Okay I was on his side until you actually gave his reasons. At first i was like yea if my partner got a tattoo that they had planned but never talked to me about on a trip, I would be upset and disconcerted. Because I would wonder why we didn’t talk about it. However, your husband is just an ahole.
I guess maybe try to find out his reasoning if you guys have had a good marriage, but idk I’d be done with that level of an ahole.
Did he really not support you while your mom was dying? Cause I wouldn’t be able to look at my husband, let alone stay married to them, at that point.
NTA
Nta…fuck that guy! He doesn’t own you! I try to not jump to divorce because you know Reddit! But throw the whole man away and got love your best life!
NTA but he doesn’t respect you. Can you forgive him for not supporting you while your mom was dying? Was his apology sincere? How did he explain his behavior?
NTA. He has shown you who he is. What are you gonna do about it? (Rhetorical)
My husband was pissed as shit when I got my 1st tattoo, many yrs ago . Our friends (most of whom dont have ink), told him to calm down, that he was acting like I got a big ole’ battleship across my chest 😆
He got over it. But honestly he was never as bad as your husband. I think I would have told that man to stay at Mommy’s house, if that’s where he went, lol
Of course your NTA
ETA: but if you’re asking this now and intend to wave the votes in his face, that wouldn’t be cool. You already accepted him back so in essence you forgave that episode and it should be over
I was AGHAST at all of this and hope that it’s just rage-bait. If true, so obviously NTA. Boy, BYE.
Nta. You deserve better. Acting like that while you’re going through something devastating is beyond reprehensible. Your husband is a selfish asshole.
He doesn’t own your body. Dude should move to salafist muslim country. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you find strength and joy again in your life.
Nta and I can’t believe you let him come back after all the things he said and did
The double standard in this relationship is astounding. What a big baby! Sounds like a very tasteful, meaningful tattoo. You go girl! NTA
What in the ever loving hell?? NTA, but I’m wondering if this is possibly another Lotion man situation https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1id4afc/the_lotion_man_saga_with_a_new_2_year_update/
His behavior is highly suspicious. It’s like he’s looking for a reason to leave you. I wonder what he was up to while you were gone. I’d check his phone. Maybe he’s trying to justify his own bad behavior by making you the villain.
your a 51F and you need to come on social media for gratification and wether you have get it approved my your husband.
I think at 51 you are an adult.
He threatened divorce over a tattoo you did tell him you write going to get (and he said nothing against it) and told you your body belongs to him and didn’t support you when your mom died? And you’re still married to this guy? Why?
He left you to grieve your mother alone. Over a tattoo. Leave him. What a child.
You do not need anyone’s permission to get a tattoo. If I were in your shoes I’d leave him.
NTA he needs to grow up.
No offense – but fuck him.
Fuckkkkk this guy. You can get a tattoo whenever you want. He doesnt own you
ESH.
You should have had a serious conversation about it. Even though he said “okay” in a throwaway conversation.
However, his behavior is either unforgivable or nearly unforgivable.
This man is trash, sorry.
NTA. But you will be if you stay with that emotionally abusive asshole. He called you trashy to all your friends and family. He left you when you needed him the most. He said your body belongs to him. That’s some caveman shit.