I know how this sounds but please hear me out. I (17f) have a twin sister, let’s call her Ava, who has been best friends with Liv (17f fake name) for 4 years now.
For some context my sister is the type of person who avoids conflict at all costs and tries her best to help everyone in any situation. She has always been there for Liv the whole time they’ve been friends and done A LOT for her. That ranges from helping her through rough patches to doing her hair/makeup, helping her with homework and lying about where she is to our mom in order to go see Liv’s crush (31m) almost every day.
Ava has also tolerated a lot of behaviors from Liv, like her being jealous of her other friends and getting mad at her when she hangs out with other people without her as well as Liv always wanting to do the activities she likes or eat what she wants when they hang out and almost never letting Ava choose herself. Also in conversations she always talks about herself and is generally very self centered. My sister rarely talks to me about disputes with this particular friend because I have never liked her due to these behviors.
Right now it is exam period for us and due to a lot of family drama on top of that my sister is rightfully very stressed, as she cares a lot about her grades. A few weeks ago, on the second to last week of school before exams, Liv started avoiding her for seemingly no reason. I asked her if something happened and she told me everything was fine, but a few days later when we went on a small trip she made up an excuse about her alergies flaring up in order to not walk home with Liv and go with me instead (which she never has done the entire 4 years of their friendship).
At the time I believed her because I was still under the impression everything was fine so I asked her if she needed her medicine. That’s when she told me it was a lie and started crying on our way home and telling me what happened. Apparently the week before she asked Liv why she was avoiding her and Liv replied “You’re always so grumpy and stressed these days that it is ruining my mood and I can’t be going out with someone that is always moody and doesn’t consider how that is making other people feel” and now “She wants to hurt Ava like Ava has hurt her all these years”
She also confessed that they got in an arguement about this and Liv told Ava that she is “Like our mother” and “Like Liv’s dad” which was meant to mean she is manipulative and toxic “for making her have to hang out with someone she felt pressured by (my sister) and that Ava doesn’t care about their friendship or her feelings. Ava told me that in this arguement she didn’t offend Liv in any way nor call her anything derogatory and was just trying to understand what she was doing wrong.
Now my sister has started to believe those things about herself because “if her own best friend thinks those things about her they must be true” and has expressed multiple times to me that she feels extremely hurt by them. She also keeps asking if Liv finds any good qualities on her or is it just bad ones. This went on for a few days and my sister was crying her eyes out almost every day. Also she’d been ignoring Liv’s calls/texts because she is now acting like all of this never happened and telling her to hang out.
The final straw was when Liv made my sister cry and leave school in the middle of the day and Ava came home to me crying that “she can’t do this anymore” and “just wants this situation to be over”. At this poin my whole family knew about the situation and everyone had told Ava that she needs to stand up for herself and can’t let Liv talk about her like this when all she has done their whole friendship is be there for her. Ava said she can’t and would never do that because she doesn’t want to hurt Liv’s feelings. Here is where I might be the asshole. I couldn’t handle seeing Ava crying her eyes out every day because of her. So I sent Liv a text which I will try to summarise and translate accurately here.
I basically told her she should be ashamed of herself for everything she’s said to Ava becaushe she’s been her rock for 4 years now. That she is a hypocrite and cruel to Ava for taking things she entrusted her with (like the situation with our mom) and using them to hurt her. I said that she probably didn’t want a best friend but a servant to carry her weight all the time without a word, that she’s self centered and doesn’ deserve to be called Ava’s friend, because what kind of friend tells you you ruin their mood when you’re sad instead of helping you. I told her to get a reality check and that i hope she’s happy she pushed away the one person that truly gave their all for her and lastly that she was probably jealous of all of Ava’s friends because she knew my sister had nothing substantial to gain from their friendship.
After that Liv sent me a voice message crying and saying that she’s disappointed if Ava really thinks about her like that and saying I’m the one that should be ashamed for how I’m speaking to her like that and that she’s always known “I am obsessed with eveyone” and Ava is not carrying her weight but my family’s. She said she won’t apologise for communicating something that bothered her in a relationship. I told her she can cry all she wants and that I didn’t care because she brought it all on herself and added I I’d never be ashamed for defending my sister and never said she can’t communicate her issues, but her friend having a hard time should not be an issue in the first place.
There were more messages after that where she threatened to beat me if I “didn’t watch my mouth” but I eventually told her to stop texting me. She later called my sister and read the texts out to her. She told me she sent the messages to some of our friends which I didn’t mind because I wasn’t trying to hide what I said. My sister doesn’t think I’m an asshole and said Ava needed to hear those things and she wouldn’t have said them herself but my friends think I’m an asshole for getting involved and I should’ve let them sort things out on their own. Now Liv is demanding an apology from me
So reddit, am I the asshole? Should I apologise for getting involved? Please help me out and sorry for the lengthy post.
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Backup of the post’s body: I know how this sounds but please hear me out. I (17f) have a twin sister, let’s call her Ava, who has been best friends with Liv (17f fake name) for 4 years now.
For some context my sister is the type of person who avoids conflict at all costs and tries her best to help everyone in any situation. She has always been there for Liv the whole time they’ve been friends and done A LOT for her. That ranges from helping her through rough patches to doing her hair/makeup, helping her with homework and lying about where she is to our mom in order to go see Liv’s crush (31m) almost every day.
Ava has also tolerated a lot of behaviors from Liv, like her being jealous of her other friends and getting mad at her when she hangs out with other people without her as well as Liv always wanting to do the activities she likes or eat what she wants when they hang out and almost never letting Ava choose herself. Also in conversations she always talks about herself and is generally very self centered. My sister rarely talks to me about disputes with this particular friend because I have never liked her due to these behviors.
Right now it is exam period for us and due to a lot of family drama on top of that my sister is rightfully very stressed, as she cares a lot about her grades. A few weeks ago, on the second to last week of school before exams, Liv started avoiding her for seemingly no reason. I asked her if something happened and she told me everything was fine, but a few days later when we went on a small trip she made up an excuse about her alergies flaring up in order to not walk home with Liv and go with me instead (which she never has done the entire 4 years of their friendship).
At the time I believed her because I was still under the impression everything was fine so I asked her if she needed her medicine. That’s when she told me it was a lie and started crying on our way home and telling me what happened. Apparently the week before she asked Liv why she was avoiding her and Liv replied “You’re always so grumpy and stressed these days that it is ruining my mood and I can’t be going out with someone that is always moody and doesn’t consider how that is making other people feel” and now “She wants to hurt Ava like Ava has hurt her all these years”
She also confessed that they got in an arguement about this and Liv told Ava that she is “Like our mother” and “Like Liv’s dad” which was meant to mean she is manipulative and toxic “for making her have to hang out with someone she felt pressured by (my sister) and that Ava doesn’t care about their friendship or her feelings. Ava told me that in this arguement she didn’t offend Liv in any way nor call her anything derogatory and was just trying to understand what she was doing wrong.
Now my sister has started to believe those things about herself because “if her own best friend thinks those things about her they must be true” and has expressed multiple times to me that she feels extremely hurt by them. She also keeps asking if Liv finds any good qualities on her or is it just bad ones. This went on for a few days and my sister was crying her eyes out almost every day. Also she’d been ignoring Liv’s calls/texts because she is now acting like all of this never happened and telling her to hang out.
The final straw was when Liv made my sister cry and leave school in the middle of the day and Ava came home to me crying that “she can’t do this anymore” and “just wants this situation to be over”. At this poin my whole family knew about the situation and everyone had told Ava that she needs to stand up for herself and can’t let Liv talk about her like this when all she has done their whole friendship is be there for her. Ava said she can’t and would never do that because she doesn’t want to hurt Liv’s feelings. Here is where I might be the asshole. I couldn’t handle seeing Ava crying her eyes out every day because of her. So I sent Liv a text which I will try to summarise and translate accurately here.
I basically told her she should be ashamed of herself for everything she’s said to Ava becaushe she’s been her rock for 4 years now. That she is a hypocrite and cruel to Ava for taking things she entrusted her with (like the situation with our mom) and using them to hurt her. I said that she probably didn’t want a best friend but a servant to carry her weight all the time without a word, that she’s self centered and doesn’ deserve to be called Ava’s friend, because what kind of friend tells you you ruin their mood when you’re sad instead of helping you. I told her to get a reality check and that i hope she’s happy she pushed away the one person that truly gave their all for her and lastly that she was probably jealous of all of Ava’s friends because she knew my sister had nothing substantial to gain from their friendship.
After that Liv sent me a voice message crying and saying that she’s disappointed if Ava really thinks about her like that and saying I’m the one that should be ashamed for how I’m speaking to her like that and that she’s always known “I am obsessed with eveyone” and Ava is not carrying her weight but my family’s. She said she won’t apologise for communicating something that bothered her in a relationship. I told her she can cry all she wants and that I didn’t care because she brought it all on herself and added I I’d never be ashamed for defending my sister and never said she can’t communicate her issues, but her friend having a hard time should not be an issue in the first place.
There were more messages after that where she threatened to beat me if I “didn’t watch my mouth” but I eventually told her to stop texting me. She later called my sister and read the texts out to her. She told me she sent the messages to some of our friends which I didn’t mind because I wasn’t trying to hide what I said. My sister doesn’t think I’m an asshole and said Ava needed to hear those things and she wouldn’t have said them herself but my friends think I’m an asshole for getting involved and I should’ve let them sort things out on their own. Now Liv is demanding an apology from me
So reddit, am I the asshole? Should I apologise for getting involved? Please help me out and sorry for the lengthy post.
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nah fam, you ain’t the asshole, you just did what a real one would—stood up for your sis when she couldn’t do it herself. that girl been dragging ava down for years, acting like a victim while treating her like a doormat. maybe you went a lil hard, but sometimes ppl don’t hear you till you raise the volume. you ain’t gotta apologize for having your sister’s back when no one else did.
Go for the third option and out her for her 31 year old boyfriend.
Encourage your sister to end this very toxic relationship.
Sounds like victim narcissism. I guess it’s a whole spectrum of it. I fell down the rabbit hole, researching it when my therapist had suggested that my mom had it.
Have your sister’s other friends come over and take her out somewhere to cheer her up. Your sister needs to hear from everyone that she is a nice person who is loved.
NTA.
Liv can suck it.
Nta. You did the right thing by sticking up for your sister when she couldn’t do it herself. You rock!
You’re a good sister! NTA! I would expect a sister to have her back, and you do. You two sound very different, and Ava needs your support. Big hugs to you!