For some background, I (18f) went to a FFA (future farmers of America) leadership camp over the summer, my mother is our FFA adviser and went with us. The advisers weren’t around for most of the camp, as they had classes and activities of their own. During one of the classes I was in, they had us write letters to ourselves that they would mail to us later in the year. I wrote truthfully in mine because I was told we would be the only ones seeing them. We left the camp and went home. I completely forgot about the letter.
Fast forward to January and I come home to find my mom and dad sitting in the living room. My mom is holding a piece of paper and it looks like she’s been crying. She then asks ”Were you expecting anything in the mail?”. I of course said no. Then she asked me what I was two years clean from.
When those words left her mouth I remembered. I had written in that letter that by the time I read it again I would be over two years clean. What I didn’t say in that letter was that I would be two years clean from self injuring.
I froze up and refused to say anything. Then she accused me of doing pills. I laughed some, a mean dismissive laugh. And she got mad. She kept persisting and coming up with worse and worse things saying stuff like ”I just want to get you help. I love you and want you to be ok.” I know I shouldn’t have said this, but I did ”If you wanted me to be ok you wouldn’t have went snooping.” Then she started crying again. This went on for nearly thirty minutes without me saying anything else. Finally I had enough and yelled at her what I had meant, that in October I had been two years clean from self-injuring. She proceeded to laugh and say ”Everyone does that at some point, you aren’t special” then she yelled at me for yelling at her and being mad about her opening my letter, she called me an ”ungrateful a$$hole” along with some other things. She handed the letter to me after she was done and without even looking at it again, I put it in our fireplace.
Now, am I the a$$hole here? I’ve been really thinking about it and maybe I shouldn’t have yelled at her. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected it to be private in the first place either.
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For some background, I (18f) went to a FFA (future farmers of America) leadership camp over the summer, my mother is our FFA adviser and went with us. The advisers weren’t around for most of the camp, as they had classes and activities of their own. During one of the classes I was in, they had us write letters to ourselves that they would mail to us later in the year. I wrote truthfully in mine because I was told we would be the only ones seeing them. We left the camp and went home. I completely forgot about the letter.
Fast forward to January and I come home to find my mom and dad sitting in the living room. My mom is holding a piece of paper and it looks like she’s been crying. She then asks ”Were you expecting anything in the mail?”. I of course said no. Then she asked me what I was two years clean from.
When those words left her mouth I remembered. I had written in that letter that by the time I read it again I would be over two years clean. What I didn’t say in that letter was that I would be two years clean from self injuring.
I froze up and refused to say anything. Then she accused me of doing pills. I laughed some, a mean dismissive laugh. And she got mad. She kept persisting and coming up with worse and worse things saying stuff like ”I just want to get you help. I love you and want you to be ok.” I know I shouldn’t have said this, but I did ”If you wanted me to be ok you wouldn’t have went snooping.” Then she started crying again. This went on for nearly thirty minutes without me saying anything else. Finally I had enough and yelled at her what I had meant, that in October I had been two years clean from self-injuring. She proceeded to laugh and say ”Everyone does that at some point, you aren’t special” then she yelled at me for yelling at her and being mad about her opening my letter, she called me an ”ungrateful a$$hole” along with some other things. She handed the letter to me after she was done and without even looking at it again, I put it in our fireplace.
Now, am I the a$$hole here? I’ve been really thinking about it and maybe I shouldn’t have yelled at her. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected it to be private in the first place either.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my mother for opening a letter addressed to me and accusing me of taking pills. She called my an asshole and the more I think about it the more I realize maybe I shouldn’t have written the truth to begin with.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA and your mom sucks.
NTA
“That letter was addressed and sent to me, you did not have right to open it, and I will not be discussing its contents.” Repeat repeat repeat.
Opening someone else’s mail, even a relative you live with, is a crime – just saying.
And since your mom was a snot about it – congratulations on your anniversary. Your mom may not think much of it, but being able to free yourself from a destructive behavior is an accomplishment you should be proud of. Good for you. Your fellow Redditors are proud of you.
I know I shouldn’t have said this, but I did ”If you wanted me to be ok you wouldn’t have went snooping.”
you should have said I’m calling the authorities about a federal crime
NTA Opening someone else’s mail is a huge violation of privacy and is illegal. It would be hard to open up to someone who says they are concerned, then yells at you and says some messed up stuff. She proved you cannot trust her. Where was your dad when she was verbally beating you up and being nasty? You are 18, from now on, you set the tone of your relationship.
Wow! I am so angry for you! What an invasion of your privacy that was compounded when your mom doubled-down on her treatment of you.
No, not everyone self-harms, at least not in the way I suspect she was referring to. If she has any understanding of the condition, she wouldn’t have been so flippant about it.
I had a brief relapse four years ago, but I’ve kept it in check since. Huge congratulations to you! Please don’t let your mother’s behavior diminish your accomplishment.
I wonder if she was relieved you weren’t on drugs but then wasn’t sure how to react to something she didn’t feel was that bad. It’s not justification, just speculation.
In case it wasn’t clear, NTA.
NTA. If the letter is not in their name, they should ask for the permission before open it.
No, you aren’t. Reading someone else’s mail is, like, a saying for a reason. It’s shorthand for invasion of privacy. In earlier eras it was also considered ungentlemanly. It’s low.
We live in an era of snooping, however, and a lot of parents spy on their kids. Some feel it’s their duty. If that were the only thing she did, I’d still say you were in the right, but plead for grace for her maternal protectiveness.
But it wasn’t. She forced you to tell her something really personal and then mocked you for it. That’s horrible, frankly. It makes me mad just hearing about it. Your mom treated your feelings like they weren’t important.
NTA, and I hope this isn’t her usual MO. If it is, know that this is not normal mom behavior and also not your fault…and that in the real world being two months clean is something to be proud of.
NTA, but your mom sure is one! She’s also full of bull paddies. Self-harm is not something everyone does, and it’s serious. I’m very glad you have not done that in two years, but if I had to guess, I’d bet mummie dearest is part of what drove you to it. She’s super-toxic, please take as much distance as you can from her. I’m
Ugh! NTA! Mom here who used to self injure and has a child who used to. Huge breech of privacy for one, illegal a well and if you thought you could talk to your parents about it you already would. I’m proud of you for being clean, self destructive habits are hard to kill. I’m still working on not saying bad stuff about myself. My husband had to break a lot of self destructive habits I had developed from growing up with horrible people. I’m glad you laughed at her! She deserved it! You should probably get a po box now since your parents have proven they can’t be trusted. Who knows when you might need to get something really important in the mail.
NTA and I’m proud of you for having 2.5 years with no self harm.