Lately I have been having arguments with my spouse about job searching. Our current situation is that we both work. He has been working for longer, and I graduated from college last year. He supported us before, and now I have been at my first job for a little over a year.
Financially, we are comfortable. We do not spend a lot, we do not have kids, and with his salary around $80,000, we cover all our expenses. My salary, which is about $68,000, mostly goes toward extras and savings. So we are not struggling, but I am not happy staying in these jobs forever.
His brother works in a similar industry and makes almost five times what we earn combined. I do not expect us to reach that level, but it makes me think that we could find something better even if it is not that extreme.
The issue is that my husband says he is fine with his current job and does not want to search for anything else. He never speaks positively about his work. He finds it boring, but he likes the stability it gives him. I actually enjoy my job, but I know I could earn more somewhere else. I have mentioned that in the future, maybe in a year or two, we could start looking for new jobs together. He flat-out says no and insists he is not going to search. He tells me that if I want to look for another job, I can do it on my own. That makes me angry because I feel like it is not fair that I would be the only one going through the hassle and stress of changing jobs and possibly relocating, while he refuses to even consider it.
When I bring that up, he calls me childish for expecting us to go through it as a team and says I need therapy. He often sends me job postings and encourages me to apply to other places, but I do not see him doing anything for himself. I feel like he wants me to take all the risks while he stays exactly where he is, even though he constantly complains about how boring his work is.
I told him I am okay with staying in my current role for now, and I am not rushing to change jobs tomorrow. But it bothers me that he has completely shut down the idea of growth or change, especially if it could benefit both of us in the long run.
I feel stuck and frustrated. AITA for getting mad at his response?
Edit because a lot of people are assuming genders here. We are both dudes haha.
Edit n2: I appreciate the help and I recognize that I’m in the wrong. I would appreciate some extra guidance… If I find a job 90% chance is that I would need to change to other cities (like mentioned small city currently). His current job is not remote so if we ended up moving then that means he would need to start looking for stuff then or simply not moving at all
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Lately I have been having arguments with my spouse about job searching. Our current situation is that we both work. He has been working for longer, and I graduated from college last year. He supported us before, and now I have been at my first job for a little over a year.
Financially, we are comfortable. We do not spend a lot, we do not have kids, and with his salary around $80,000, we cover all our expenses. My salary, which is about $68,000, mostly goes toward extras and savings. So we are not struggling, but I am not happy staying in these jobs forever.
His brother works in a similar industry and makes almost five times what we earn combined. I do not expect us to reach that level, but it makes me think that we could find something better even if it is not that extreme.
The issue is that my husband says he is fine with his current job and does not want to search for anything else. He never speaks positively about his work. He finds it boring, but he likes the stability it gives him. I actually enjoy my job, but I know I could earn more somewhere else. I have mentioned that in the future, maybe in a year or two, we could start looking for new jobs together. He flat-out says no and insists he is not going to search. He tells me that if I want to look for another job, I can do it on my own. That makes me angry because I feel like it is not fair that I would be the only one going through the hassle and stress of changing jobs and possibly relocating, while he refuses to even consider it.
When I bring that up, he calls me childish for expecting us to go through it as a team and says I need therapy. He often sends me job postings and encourages me to apply to other places, but I do not see him doing anything for himself. I feel like he wants me to take all the risks while he stays exactly where he is, even though he constantly complains about how boring his work is.
I told him I am okay with staying in my current role for now, and I am not rushing to change jobs tomorrow. But it bothers me that he has completely shut down the idea of growth or change, especially if it could benefit both of us in the long run.
I feel stuck and frustrated. AITA for getting mad at his response?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I just let him continue In his job and is not my decision
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. It is not your decision to force him to get another job that gives him STABILITY. That’s important, and him complaining about a job is normal.
What if he quits this one and can’t find another one for months?
Because YOU are the one wanting to do it, then YOU do it. Don’t force both of you to be out of a job while you both look for another one which could take weeks or months
EDIT: because two people have already asked me: YES most people get another job secured before quitting the one they currently are at, hence the two week notices, HOWEVER, there are people who don’t bother to look and just quit before really looking or end up living on their savings in the meantime. Also based on OP’s second edit on his post, he acknowledges that his new job will most likely relocate him to another city and husband will have to find another job there and OP even acknowledged that it could take months, hence why I think both of them quitting right now is not a good idea, also the fact husband doesn’t even want to quit
YTA. He’s providing an income that is more than sufficient for your needs. Just because his job is boring doesn’t mean he doesn’t have reasons to value it.
YTA – if you don’t like your job, change it. But stop putting it on your husband. He’s communicated clearly to you he’s content with his job
YTA. He may complain about his job, but it provides stability and allows the two of you to maintain a particular lifestyle. You’re live comfortably, but all you seem concerned about is money. Stop nagging the poor man and try to appreciate what he does for you.
NTA! You are not making him do it alone. You are willing to shoulder the stress and changes together.
YTA. He’s happy with his job, he makes enough money, you are comfortable. What’s the problem? If you want to look for another job, you can — there’s no reason you both have to be changing jobs together. In fact, it would make sense for one of you to have a stable job while the other is transitioning. Having a stable job you are satisfied with is nothing to take for granted — he could easily end up in a worse situation somewhere else. That doesn’t mean he’ll stay in his current job for the rest of his life but he’s good where he is for now and there is no reason for you to be coercing him when it’s his career not yours.
You sound absolutely exhausting. How do you think you control where he works, how long he works somewhere and what his income should be?
YTA.
This comes down to logistics. In this economy a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It doesn’t make sense that you both should stress yourselves out over finding a new job. If your significant other isn’t in a bad place, leave it alone.
You can search for a new job with his support, but in my opinion you are trying to create a stressful situation when it doesn’t have to exist. Sometimes you hit a plateau in life. Stack your savings and hone your skills.
As for looking at his brother’s income, that’s a bit tacky and diminishing to your husband. Comparison is the thief of joy.
My husband is like that, he’s just not ambitious. I came to realize after a few years that any progress we’d make was on me. I make 3 times his salary. I’m a little bit resentful, because that puts a lot of pressure on me. He does pull his weight at home and with the family, so that helps. But you need to think about whether this is something you can live with, that he’ll never really pull his weight financially.
You have an image in your head of what you want your life to look like but you have created it while ignoring what your husband has told you multiple times.
YTA: Both of you, losing your income at the same time, with no prospects lined up, is an absolutely stupid desire. You are an asshole for being mad that your husband is more sensible.
Jeopardising your family’s stability to chase a higher salary, likely out of comparison to your brother, is 100% an asshole move. You can’t find satisfaction and comfort with your household’s already above average income?
YTA job searching is not really a team effort kind of thing.
You can’t make him change and if it goes badly then he will resent you.
YTA, you said it yourself! You are comfortable in the spot you are.
You have every right to look for a new job but you have no room to expect him to up and quit. Its not your choice.
You can suggest but at the end of the day you have a job that you can change and he does as well; but that doesn’t mean it has to happen at all let alone at the same time.
Thats like wanting a new phone and then getting mad that your husband likes his current phone and you just want to get a new one and justify it with him getting one too.
Just look for a new job if you want one. $80,000 is nothing to sneeze at, you should feel blessed that in today’s world you are living comfortably and have a husband with a good paying job too.
I feel a shift in perspective would do you well.
YTA. There are a lot of things that I get are a team effort in marriage, but looking for new jobs is not one of them. Trying to force someone to look for another job because you think he should is weird.
I voice a lot I do not like my job. I do find it boring. I have outgrown my job. But I make really good money. Annually I get great increases. My benefits are paid for. I have flexible hours. My coworkers are nice people. In this economy, I would not rush trying to find a new job. I’m HR and the job market is terrible.
YTA. It sounds like he’s supportive of your career goals and he’s contributing plenty financially. He sounds like a keeper.
‘It’s not fair that I’d be the only one going through the hassle and stress of changing jobs’-yeah, because you’re the only one who wants to!
If you wanted an ambitious husband, you should have married one. You don’t marry a chill guy and try to change him into what you want. It’s gross.
Can’t say you come off looking good here. Your husband has a job that offers stability and a decent salary yet you want him to uproot that just because you want each other to have something different. You’re risking stability in a volatile economy and for what? Cause you’re bored? Your husband sounds like he’s the one making sure the bills are paid while you have the fun money and savings, don’t risk the stability just because you get the urge.
He is a Company Man, nothing at all wrong with that and YTA for making him feel bad about not wanting to leave his job.
Do people really get married without having conversations about careers and what each partner wants out of life?
YTA, with where things stand for you now (financially comfortable, in your words). If you’re planning some big life change in the future, like kids, that might disrupt that – then yes have that conversation about finances and individual contributions at that point. But he is not “making you take all the risk”, he is supporting your choice to take that risk for yourself, one that he does not want to take for himself, and getting mad is unfair. He told you that he values the stability he has, over what you might think is more “interesting” or fulfilling or something- and that’s not wrong of him. Having different values when it comes to one’s job doesn’t need to be a huge issue. It sounds like he’s being supportive of what you potentially want for yourself – which, yes, would come with the added stress, hassle, etc. that you mentioned, but you’re not being particularly supportive of his need for comfort and stability where he’s at now because you think his values should be different.
You want to risk new jobs together? New jobs are inherently less stable (last hired first fired). I’m my relationship we have a one-at-a-time job change policy. It’s not a hard rule, but a sensible policy that one income should be stable. A new job is not stable.
But even without this silliness, YTA. Learn to be satisfied with “enough” or you will always be miserable.
YTA- I used to complain about my job sometimes but I loved my job. Why would he want to change jobs because you want to? You have issues, he is providing and did so so you can finish school. You need to be a supportive spouse not a nagging one. The majority of your income goes to savings. You guys are doing great except you are looking at greener pastures (his brother job) but believe me when you get close up it’s not as green as you think. Stop comparing him to his brother because that is what you’re doing.
I kinda think that each partner should manage own job and career. The other one can definitely discuss problems like being frequently away, being nerveus due to stress or earning mininum wage while being underemployed.
By I dont think it is reasonable to decide that your more money earninf partner should change the job when you decide to, because you have vague idea they might be able to earn more. Especially if you two earn enough.
You can fully manage your job. It is not unfair for one partner to change jobs while the other stays … it is normal.
YTA
Saying YTA feels a little harsh, but I truly don’t understand why you want to pursue career changes at the same time, as a team. Your career is separate from your marriage. Your career journey is your own. That’s a pretty healthy thing to separate out from your partner. If you don’t think you can make career moves on your own without your partner doing the same, that does seem really weird to me and like therapy is order.
Plus, career changes are stressful and risky. Why would you want both of you to do that at the same time? Wouldn’t it be better to have one stable, less stressed partner who can support the other during a transitional time?
What happens if you start looking for jobs at the same time and then both get offers in different states? What happens if he gets a new job first and it takes you years to find a new job? Do you stop looking? Do you force him to look again?
Just search for your own better role and maybe it will inspire him to do the same, but he has been pretty clear that he’s fine where he is for now. So don’t push it. Just worry about yourself and if you guys aren’t struggling for things than it’s not that big of an issue for him to stay with his current decent wage. YTA for expecting him to have the same goals as you.
Personally both of your incomes is more than enough to survive and thrive actually. In the current market if you know what you are doing even 18an hour can make u very wealthy and you guys individually are way above that. Also if your salary is primarily for saving you are doing significantly better than a majority of people right now. So if he content to me it does feel like unnecessary that you force him to change when the reality seems that it’s just you that wants a different job. Forced ideology never works and it’s not worth putting stress on your marriage for no reason in my opinion. Though I do feel saying that you are childish and need therapy might be a step in the wrong direction in how to handle the situation I also believe he’s kinda right. Also like just start putting your savings into bitcoin and never sell and it’ll generate so much more than w.e job he would upgrade 2.
YTA lots of things in marriage are team efforts and this isnt one of them. This isnt ok for you to just decide for him. You can change jobs but its not OK to just decide things like this for your husband. More so because you said your financially comfy.
YTA.
He’s comfortable where he is, why would you want to disrupt that?
By all means get a better job yourself but he earns good money and doesn’t have the instability of not knowing what a different workplace would be like
He doesn’t want to get a new job. I realize you have aspirations of higher income but not him. You are trying to force your world view on him when he is not interested. That makes you TA.
Now, you are well within your right to search for a new, better paying job yourself. Once you do that, and get it, perhaps your husband will see how having more income is better.
“Fair” isn’t an issue here. It’s irrelevant actually. You want something he doesn’t. It’s that simple.
Look for your new job. Let him be at his current job and see what happens. You can only make yourself do what you want. You can’t make him do what you want unless he wants to do it too.
He’s been supporting both of you while you studied. He’s entitled to relax a bit while you flex that new degree and see where it can take you. You don’t have to be in the exact same place about your careers every minute. Trust his need to rest. Trust your need to stretch.
Leave him alone ma’am, you’re better off than most. Just listen to him vent when he needs to, and be a supportive spouse. That’s all you need to do.
NTA. I was on the fence until I got to the part where he’s sending you job postings to apply to. He shouldn’t be asking you if he won’t even entertain the same for himself.
YTA. If *you* want a different job, then *you* can look for one. He literally supported you, you just started working and now you want to act like this?
YTA. Why don’t you just go out and find yourself a better job now?
YTA
YTA. You want your husband to leave something he finds comfortable, that already makes more salary than you, because you seemingly want to have more money? You might as well say “I want my husband to possible be miserable because I want more play money”.
Yeah maybe he can find better. But it’s not easy to walk away from a good thing. And you said yourself you are both comfortable, and seems like you have a lot more cash than most people. Unless you’re planning something like a kid, you’re the asshole.
YTA If he is able to financially support you and he is content in his job then leave him be. If you want to be with someone who wants to make more money and be more of a go-getter than divorce him and find someone else.
YTA, he’s right, you can find a different job yourself if it’s so easy. Some people are just happy to work an average 9-5 job and don’t want the stress of trying to maximize their income. This is who you married. Honestly, it sounds like who you are too, because you don’t seem excited to try yourself.
YTA for comparing your husband to his brother and then using it as a fault against him.
If you’re a grass is always greener person, then you may never be satisfied. I can understand encouraging him, but if you’re living comfortably, then it’s either greed or jealousy (of others, hence the comparison you made).
This is something that you both should’ve made clear prior to marriage. He is someone who is fine living well enough, and you want silver and gold. Then that is something you should pursue, but not force him. You have different endgames.
And if you do well, will you just resent him for being content? If so, then expect to fight about money, which doesn’t tend to end well for couples.
YTA.
Not everyone wants a high-powered career. Some people like being comfortable, and it sounds like your husband is among them. If you want more out of life, you should reach for it – but just practically speaking, if you want to take career risks, you’re better off having someone in a stable job to fall back on. It doesn’t make sense for both of you to take a big career risk at the same time, and if he’s stable and comfortable, maybe that gives him more time and energy to support you in the changes you want to make. It is absolutely fair that you be the only one going through the hassle and stress of changing jobs if you’re the one who wants to change jobs. You put up with all of that red tape for the opportunity to do work that you like more or that pays you more.
He’s not trying to hold you back and put you in a category where you don’t want to be, but you are trying to push him in a way to put in him a category where he doesn’t want to be. If and when he wants to make a switch, he will.
YTA. Your husband is content where he’s at. More money doesn’t necessarily mean the job is better. More money could mean more stress. He’s pulling his weight and supporting you, both financially and your career(and schooling). You didn’t say how old you both are, but sometimes there’s a time where you just don’t want to start over again, especially if the 401k(assuming anyone has one), and time off is pretty good. Just so you, and support your husband like he did you.
> I feel like it is not fair that I would be the only one going through the hassle and stress of changing jobs
But you’re the only one who wants to change jobs. That sounds like the very definition of fair to me.
You don’t get to bully your partner into making a major life change that they don’t want to make. YTA
Leave him alone! It’s so annoying to have someone in your ear who doesn’t accept a No. he is fine!
Well, it sounds to me like you are fighting a future fight. Why are you fighting now about how to look for a new job in two years? I don’t suggest dual new jobs. And if you are the one who wants to move up then you go get a new job. You don’t get to live your husband’s life for him. Now, if he is just a complacent guy then you might need to reevaluate the relationship. Just don’t have kids anytime soon before you figure your compatibility out.
YTA. IMO for a lot of people, stability and job security is a lot more important than climbing the corporate ladder and chasing ever increasing salaries.
He makes pretty good money, and even if he finds the job boring, he clearly values the job a lot.
If you want to chase your career advancement aggressively? Go for it.
But the fact that you’re upset that he won’t “share the pain” with you is, I don’t know… a little selfish of you?
It almost sounds like you’re jealous of his brother and you want to live a more lavish lifestyle.
You don’t need to stay in your current role if that’s not what you want for yourself. But he’s told you what he wants – and that’s to stay in his current job. Now you need to decide if that’s acceptable or not and go from there.
Once a comfortable amount is being earned then stability and flexibility are far more important than money to me too so I have to agree with your partner on this one. It is also wiser for one of you to change jobs at a time rather than both of you jumping into the unknown at the same time.
Gonna have to go with YTA here. If you want to change jobs then do so when you’re ready. If your partner is happy staying where they are then that’s up to them. Don’t try to push them into something they don’t want.
YTA. Many people find their jobs boring. Doing the same thing day in and day out. Doesn’t mean that they need to change jobs just cause you want to change jobs. I went into this thinking maybe he had been unemployed for a bit but nope so yeah YTA bigtime. If you don’t like your job, get another one, but you have no say on anyone else’s job.
YTA you don’t get to choose your spouse’s career or job.
You’ve said you aren’t financially struggling, so it doesn’t sound like there’s an actual problem other than you seeing dollar signs when you look at his older sibling.
From my own experience, yes higher salary jobs exist, and often the stress and anxiety that comes with them will make you hate your life. For a lot of people, including your husband, that’s not worth it.
Be glad that he is content. He knows what he wants, and he’s got it. Some people live to work and others work to live. Sounds like he has a great work to live setup.
If you are not content with your job, great news, that’s the thing you have control over! I think he’s trying to help by sending you JDs since you’re not content with your job. Maybe you could mirror that by being supportive of him keeping g a job he is content with.
You are in what appears to be a good relationship, yet are looking for a job that will mean you’re moving to a new city? Cut him loose, and let him find someone who truly will love him. You’re just wasting his time.
This is confusing…. So you’re upset that only you would take on the risk of finding a new job, but you’re mad that he’s providing stability (and not risk) in staying in his current job? Which in turn gives you flexibility…
Also while there’s inherent risk in everything, don’t quit your current job to find a new one and it won’t be a risky endeavor in general.
I’m all for growth, but pushing someone into that choice for only the possibility of more money, when they said they’re fine and you’re both comfortable, seems kinda YTA-ish.
Also do your homework, look at job postings, Glassdoor, etc. for job opportunities. Don’t assume just because someone claims to be making a certain amount that that’s true/industry standard.
YTA
You aren’t looking at the big picture. You said yourself if you were to get a new job you would have to move and he would be forced to get a new job. What if he doesn’t find a job? What about housing? If you rent you will have to time your move with your lease. Considering a job that involves a move is a life changing decision that needs to be agreed upon. If you’re unhappy about your job look for one within a reasonable commute from your home. Your husband is content with his job and you don’t have the right to dictate what he does.
YTA. You seem to be looking for a problem. If you aren’t happy, find a new job. But don’t project onto him.
YTA.
Not everyone wants to climb the corporate ladder as fast as possible. He may just have settled into his new job and found he likes it and is good at it.
If he was an unemployed bum, you might have a point. It’s quite possible he will get promoted as time passes.
As for the I’m going through a job hunt, he should too? Grow up. That makes you double YTA.
YTA. He doesn’t want to change jobs, theres nothing wrong with that. As long as it’s not sex with a different man or anything illegal, he’s allowed to want different things than you.
YTA. If you want your partner to be ambitious, you should have picked an ambitious partner. Picking a man who’s perfectly happy working a job he doesn’t love for a reasonable paycheque and then trying to force him out of the life he likes for the sake of more money isn’t team behaviour. If you’re career orientated, that’s fine, go chase your dreams of wealth. If what you want is more money without you having to bust your ass to earn it then you’rebeing selfish and greedy. Your husband dreams of a job that doesn’t stress him out and a life outside of work. High earners usually have to sacrifice everything but work to make that amount. Maybe he sees the person earning 5 times as much and realises that they’re missing out on things that he wants in his life. He’s told you who he is, you should have believed him.