I (25 F) and my husband (26 M) are about to open a business. It is mainly my business and I’ll be in charge, but he plans to help out when he can as he works full time. We also just got a puppy who requires a lot of care. A lot is happening, but I feel we are doing well with it and we haven’t been fighting until this point.
I spent all day in our business cleaning & organizing. I also had our puppy with me as he can’t be left home alone yet. On my way home I called my husband to see if he wanted me to pick something up for dinner. He said sure and listed some things he liked, one being those take away pizzas you can quickly warm. I didn’t particularly want pizza, so I got my husband a flatbread in a flavor I normally don’t care for, and myself some of those salad kits.
I called him to tell him he can preheat the oven, that I got a flatbread just for him. He asked me what I got for myself. He was immediately rude and acting sad stating he thought we would have dinner together. I said we are, just eating different things. I tried to tell him I got double the salad if he wants that instead and we can share, and I tried asking why it is so important we digest the SAME food if we are eating TOGETHER. He hung up on me saying it was a bad time and he couldn’t talk. I texted him asking wtf that was about and if he is seriously having a pity party because we are eating different things. I told him he was behaving extremely immature and I wasn’t happy. He responds he’s busy and it isn’t a good time.
I get home and he is on the floor playing with our puppy. I am shocked because he made it seem like he was in the middle of an important situation. I said “Is this what you’re in the middle of that you had to be so rude and hang up?” he responds with “don’t talk to me.” and that the reason he was stressed was because the puppy kept almost getting hurt by walking onto the side tables, almost rolling off couches, etc… I confront this and say I have the dog all day while he is at work and never use the minor inconveniences as a reason to be so rude. He went on a tangent that he is never allowed to have feelings yada yada. I explain that he is allowed to have feelings but needs to control how he reacts to things and the way he manages his stress toward others.
He goes on to say he is allowed to be “disappointed” after finding out we are eating different things and that I should just apologize and move on. I said Why would I apologize when I did nothing wrong and normal husbands would just thank their wives for picking up dinner and that would be the end of it. But apparently I’m not “allowing” him to be disappointed and I am taking his feelings personally. I said yes, when someone is an asshole to me, I take that personally.
I use the example that we should never order different things at restaurants/fast food anymore because that is the equivalent of this. He claims I am having a psychotic break because I am so upset and yelling about this. AITA?
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I (25 F) and my husband (26 M) are about to open a business. It is mainly my business and I’ll be in charge, but he plans to help out when he can as he works full time. We also just got a puppy who requires a lot of care. A lot is happening, but I feel we are doing well with it and we haven’t been fighting until this point.
I spent all day in our business cleaning & organizing. I also had our puppy with me as he can’t be left home alone yet. On my way home I called my husband to see if he wanted me to pick something up for dinner. He said sure and listed some things he liked, one being those take away pizzas you can quickly warm. I didn’t particularly want pizza, so I got my husband a flatbread in a flavor I normally don’t care for, and myself some of those salad kits.
I called him to tell him he can preheat the oven, that I got a flatbread just for him. He asked me what I got for myself. He was immediately rude and acting sad stating he thought we would have dinner together. I said we are, just eating different things. I tried to tell him I got double the salad if he wants that instead and we can share, and I tried asking why it is so important we digest the SAME food if we are eating TOGETHER. He hung up on me saying it was a bad time and he couldn’t talk. I texted him asking wtf that was about and if he is seriously having a pity party because we are eating different things. I told him he was behaving extremely immature and I wasn’t happy. He responds he’s busy and it isn’t a good time.
I get home and he is on the floor playing with our puppy. I am shocked because he made it seem like he was in the middle of an important situation. I said “Is this what you’re in the middle of that you had to be so rude and hang up?” he responds with “don’t talk to me.” and that the reason he was stressed was because the puppy kept almost getting hurt by walking onto the side tables, almost rolling off couches, etc… I confront this and say I have the dog all day while he is at work and never use the minor inconveniences as a reason to be so rude. He went on a tangent that he is never allowed to have feelings yada yada. I explain that he is allowed to have feelings but needs to control how he reacts to things and the way he manages his stress toward others.
He goes on to say he is allowed to be “disappointed” after finding out we are eating different things and that I should just apologize and move on. I said Why would I apologize when I did nothing wrong and normal husbands would just thank their wives for picking up dinner and that would be the end of it. But apparently I’m not “allowing” him to be disappointed and I am taking his feelings personally. I said yes, when someone is an asshole to me, I take that personally.
I use the example that we should never order different things at restaurants/fast food anymore because that is the equivalent of this. He claims I am having a psychotic break because I am so upset and yelling about this. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I got my husband a different dinner than me
2) I yelled about the situation and didn’t try to understand why it made him so upset.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Sure, he’s allowed to be disappointed for any reason he wants, even a batshit insane reason like this one. That doesn’t give him the right to make it YOUR problem.
If he needs time to work through his feelings, he needs to say that. And then he needs to communicate with you what exactly his problem with you eating different items is, because you can’t work with him to fix the problem when he can’t tell you what the problem is.
Girl this is not about the different dinners.
Dude, NTA. You’re juggling a ton and still made sure he got something for dinner. The whole matching dinners thing sounds kinda petty TBH. Couples can share a meal without eating the same exact thing. He’s gotta learn how to handle stress without projecting onto you. It’s about respect, not just the grub. Cut yrself some slack, sounds like you’re doing your best. 👍👍
I don’t think YTA, but I think this is more than different dinners.
He said you’re having a psychotic break because you had a disagreement about dinner? Uhhhhhhh that’s not normal
Not the asshole at all. Your example was the same exact thing only that it’s a restaurant. He needs to get his shit together, he could have easily been texting you WHILE simply holding the puppy instead of letting it go do these dangerous things over and over.
NTA. Sometimes you just have to ignore the irrational reactions of others.
NTA.
Your husband thinks you are not “eating dinner together” if you are sitting at the same table but eating different foods? He’s “disappointed”?
That is not only a very weird hill for him to die on, it’s controlling to an alarming degree.
Your example of the restaurant/fast food is valid. What he’s demanding is the exact equivalent of him insisting on ordering the same thing for both of you at a restaurant.
The way you both handle disagreements is not ideal, but I’ll give you a free pass this time for getting upset and possibly yelling because 1. your reasoning is sound and 2. what he was demanding took you by surprise. It would have taken me by surprise too. If my partner made a bizarre and controlling demand of me, and then said “Don’t talk to me” when I argued back, damn right I’d be upset. And “a psychotic break”? Jeez, give me strength.
Has he ever behaved like this before?
“my business that my husband will work at” sounds like a not great idea but why is he policing your food.
Was the flatbread on the list of things he wanted?
NTA
Is he autistic?
I was reading along, not planning to comment at all, scrolled onward and this Emerson line zapped into my mind: “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.”
Surprised myself. WTF. Then Oscar Wilde chimed in with “consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative,” and an answer to your question “what is behind my husband’s rigidity about dining” became clear.
What if he is seeing himself as less go-getter, or less creative, or less business-like, or whatever value he puts on a trait revealed by your ability to conceive and run a business that he doesn’t think he possesses.
Is he feeling jealous pangs now that this is all coming to fruition for you? Is he having this desire for uniformity/consistency of your meals because that’s easier to face than “she’s more talented (whatever trait) than I am, what if she realizes this?”
NTA and what a strange thing to get upset about!
Um, how did he have the puppy at home if you had the puppy with you at work???!! 🤔
He sounds exhausting.
I’m confused about the fact that you had the puppy with you at your business, but then you got home and your husband was playing with the puppy and he said that he was stressed because the puppy kept walking into things.
This is cuckoo. Why do you have to eat the same food?! When you go out to restaurants, is he also this controlling about what you eat, insisting that you both get the same dish?
There are always going to be differences in what each of you likes to eat as individual people. My son and I LOVE pasta whilst my husband DETESTS pasta. He doesn’t begrudge us eating it though. On the nights that son and I have pasta, I make him something else. When he sees the sauce being made, he even automatically asks what he’s getting. If his is fish & chips or flatbread pizza, he’s over moon. Everyone wins.
NTA
You guys are young newlyweds?? You’ll need to learn to pick your battles and let all else roll off your shoulders if you hope the marriage lasts! Damn…
NTA. You asked him if he wanted dinner and got him what he requested. He should be happy, and if he’s not, then maybe he should get his own dinner.
He’s being selfish and immature, clearly cannot communicate well, and he’s unable to process his emotions in a healthy or effective way.
I suggest therapy for him own his own and therapy for your marriage, as well, because this isn’t going to work out well if he can turn a pizza into a drama and crisis. Most people would be delighted if you showed up with pizza, so he just wants to act petty and fight, apparently. Nobody has time for that, especially if you’re starting a business and taking care of a puppy.
Having dinner together but complaining about eating different foods is about as ridiculous as it gets. Then you add on the passive aggressive behaviors, and the weird controlling vibes, as well as some borderline mild gaslighting by suggesting you apologize when he created this drama over nothing, and you have a big mess.
Get some help for this marriage. I am sure everyone is tired and stressed, but this isn’t healthy behavior or communication.
>He claims I am having a psychotic break because I am so upset and yelling about this.
His reaction is lame, but if you’re actually upset and yelling, then yeah YTA.
Honestly, this sounds a whole lot like my ex, who used to gaslight me over the dumbest shit just so he could make me feel insane and call me crazy later. He was abusive in all the ways. This screams a need for control, for me. But that could just be the PTSD talking…🤨
You had the puppy with you, and you walked into your home to find him playing with the puppy?
NTA. My wife and I eat dinner together and eat different things all the time. I don’t see why this is a problem.
NTA the real question is, why is he picking a fight with you?
You said you had the puppy with you, but when you got home he was on the floor playing with the puppy? I’m confused there.
As far as getting something else for dinner, NTA. It’s strange he’d be upset about that.
You the Ass
Calm done. You’re both stressed
Next time just buy yourself dinner and let him figure his own out. NTA.
If you went to a restaurant together, would he insist you both order the same thing?
He sounds completely irrational.
NTA
NTA anyone who starts calling you psychotic for being upset at something they caused is a 🚩
NTA and truthfully, I don’t get it at all. I thought this was going to along the lines of you brought him something he didn’t like but got yourself something he did. I’m baffled. Good luck with that.
Like another person commented, this is not about the dinner. I think he’s struggling with the new dynamic is your relationship specifically your business and he can’t articulate or understand it.
If he can be vulnerable and admit this, then I suggest that you both seek marriage counselling to work through it.
Minor point but I would not consider a flatbread a pizza and I would be annoyed if my spouse decided on my portion size. If I only ate half the pizza then the other half could be saved for the next day or binned. So in the future if he says a pizza, get him a pizza?
ESH. He’s being immature about the meals but goddamn, do you harp on him like that about everything? I would be annoyed at you, too